Tools of Ignorance: Lisa's Story

by Barbara L. Clanton

She opened the journal to a new page.

  Today started out so great. Clarksonville was so proud of our softball team and Coach Spears that they threw us a parade. Hoo-daddy! Oh, speaking of “daddies,” William was there with his really cute fiancée Evelyn. Mom made a tentative lunch date for me and him next Saturday. That’s cool. I have so much I want to ask him, like, do I have another set of grandparents? Do they want to know me? Do I have cousins? Aunts? Uncles?

  Lisa sighed and decided not to go down that road just yet. Maybe he’d volunteer information about his family when they met. They might not even want to know she existed. Kind of like he didn’t seem to know she existed for sixteen years. She started a new paragraph.

  Oh, I fractured my hand in the quarterfinal game against Overton Corners on Monday (seven days ago). Geez, that sounded kind of melodramatic. To be precise, I broke the fifth metacarpal bone on the pinky finger of my right hand. I have to wear a soft cast that you Velcro on. I’m glad I don’t have to wear a hard cast. Writing isn’t so bad, either. I was worried about final exams this week and next, but I’ll be okay, I think. Anyway, Mom made me call Coach Spears when we were on our way home. Sam drove us, but more about Sam in a minute. Coach Spears was surprised that there was an actual break. She yelled at me again for hiding it, but c’mon! I wasn’t gonna take myself out of the playoff games. We needed to win a championship, right? Shoot, Mayor Bradley even gave Coach Spears the key to the village after the parade.

  Oh, speaking of the parade, I freakin’ came out to Julie (White Girl) today. I didn’t even mean to. Sam was on the sidewalk as we drove by during the parade, and Julie figured it out from the dumb-ass look on my face. She told me her uncle is gay, but he moved because he didn’t fit into the North Country any more. She said he moved to “San Francisgay.” When I burst out laughing, she laughed, too and then told me that her uncle called it that. I wonder if I’ll have to move out to San Francisgay or somewhere else, so I won’t get harassed. I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t even know what college I’m going to. I want to be a firefighter or a police officer. Do I have to go to college for that? What college is Sam going to? No, I’m not thinking about Sam yet.

  But, see? Julie didn’t freak out about me, because she already knew somebody that was gay. So there. My theory is correct. If straight people know at least one gay person, then it makes it so much easier for the rest of us to come out. We perpetuate our own “Tools of Ignorance” by staying in the closet. Ha! I am so philosophical tonight.

  Hey, queers everywhere! Come out, come out, wherever you are. Make it easier for me, please. Geez, I’m such a hypocrite, ‘cuz I don’t know if I can be open and public about it, either.

  Oh, Julie told me some more bummer news. She said that a long time ago it was a law (a stinking law! GEEZ!) that blacks and whites couldn’t even get married. Kind of sound familiar now? Gays can’t get married, either. Well, not really. I think you can go to Toronto or Boston or something to do it—even Iowa now— but the good old Federal government in the good old USA won’t recognize it. Everybody gets so excited about civil unions and such. Sounds like second class status to me. Why are gay people okay with being second class citizens? Maybe ‘cuz then we’re not, like, the scum of the earth anymore? I think I want to hold out until marriage is real for everybody. Life is so unfair sometimes.

  Okay, yeah, remember how I said the day started out great? Well, it’s not ending so well. Sam and I are in a fight. Yeah, Sam is as rich as Paris Hilton. Well, maybe not, but Sam or Samantha Rose or whoever she is didn’t tell me any of this. Susie laughed at me ‘cuz I didn’t know. I felt like such an idiot today. My heart hurts so much. How can you love someone, but feel your heart sink when you think about them?

  Seems like everybody’s in one kind of closet or another. Me, Sam, Marlee, Susie, and Coach Spears are all in our gay closets. Julie is in the closet about her inter-racial relationship with Marcus, and William was in the closet about my very existence. Hell, even Sam was in the closet about being rich, and she still would be if Mr. D’Amico hadn’t outted her. I don’t know if I can trust her now. Grrr! I don’t want to think about this right now.

  Lisa signed off and closed her journal. Instead of tossing it in the back of her top drawer, she stood up and pulled out the Rubbermaid step stool she kept in her closet. She stashed the journal on the top shelf under some sweaters.

  She felt satisfied that she had gotten a lot of thoughts on paper, but also felt like a lot of things still weren’t cleared up. She still had to have her heart to heart talk with William, she wanted to talk to Julie some more about being gay, and she needed to digest all that she learned about Sam, but before any of that, she an English final exam to study for.

  She fished her English notebook out of her backpack and pulled out the handout entitled, “English – Eleventh Hour Notes.” She shimmied down the bed and rested her head on the soft downy pillow. She blinked her eyes wide to try and stay focused, but the day’s events got the better of her, and she couldn’t keep them open anymore. The last thing she heard was Bridget flying into the room asking if she was awake. Lisa kept her eyes closed.

  Chapter Twenty

  There Are Ways

  LISA SAT IN the front passenger seat of the family minivan watching the purple and yellow wildflowers as the car whizzed by on highway 81.

  She jumped when her mother spoke. “Are you excited about softball camp?”

  “Yeah.” Lisa looked at her mother in the driver’s seat. “Why are you letting me go, Mom? I can’t do anything.” She held up her broken hand in the soft cast.

  Her mother laughed softly. “I know you won’t get to play any softball, but the camp director said you could still be useful as a CIT.”

  “Counselor in Training?”

  “Um hmm. And when she cut your camp fee in half, that convinced me you would still benefit from a week away from home.”

  “Trying to get me out of the house, eh?” Lisa grinned.

  “Honey,” her mother’s tone was serious, “I’m proud of you for getting all A’s and B’s on your report card. I know how hard you worked on your studies, and I, for one, am especially proud of your B-plus in Geometry.”

  “I guess.” Lisa knew she didn’t sound very enthusiastic so she added, “I guess I knew more geometry than I thought. Julie and Marcus both got A-plusses, though.”

  Her mother laughed. “Well, you can’t be the best at everything, but you’re the best sixteen year-old daughter in the world, you know. You’re a godsend when it comes to your sisters and brother. And, this week away at camp is our way of letting you have some alone time. I don’t ever want you to think that Papa and I take you for granted. It’s important to us that you get time for yourself. ”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  Lisa tried to sound upbeat, but couldn’t find enthusiasm for much of anything these days. She and Sam were still in a fight, and it had been two weeks already. Sam texted her every day, and Lisa texted back, but her responses had been minimal and non-committal. Neither one had suggested seeing the other, but now Lisa was heading off for camp, and Sam was at her summer house on Lake Bonaparte for two weeks. Geez, who owned two houses? It seemed kind of wasteful to Lisa, but what did she know? Maybe Sam had twelve houses, and maybe Sam had twelve girlfriends, too. Maybe that’s why Sam never invited her over. Or, more likely, Lisa thought with a frown, maybe Sam was too ashamed of her poor girlfriend from the poor side of Clarksonville.

  Sam wasn’t all that was on her mind either. Lisa still wasn’t quite sure where she fit into William’s life even after their lunch the Saturday before. Lisa stared out the van window. The exit for Syracuse Airport was coming up. She wished she could get on a plane and go somewhere, anywhere, so she wouldn’t have to deal with any of it. She sighed and pushed her sunglasses up the bridge of her nose against the early afternoon sun.

  “What’s up, Lisa Bear? You’re kind of quiet today. And yesterday. And the day before.”

  “I
know, Mom. I’m sorry.” She didn’t know how to talk to her mother about Sam without actually coming out to her, so she said, “William wants me to go to his wedding. He wants me to be one of Evelyn’s bridesmaids.”

  “Oh?” A hurt look crossed her mother’s face, and Lisa cringed. “You didn’t tell me about the bridesmaid part.”

  “I’m sorry, Mom. I just…I don’t know if I want to go at all.”

  “When is the wedding?”

  “Two weeks. A week after camp.”

  “Lisa, that’s pretty close. You need to tell William and Evelyn right away, because they need to fit you for a bridesmaid dress, and there are rehearsals and such.”

  “Oh.” She hadn’t thought of that. “Hey, Mom?”

  “Yes?”

  “William’s kind of okay. He’s nice.”

  Her mother looked at her with a gleam in her eye. “I know. I’ve always thought so, but I didn’t want to confuse you until you were old enough.”

  Lisa burst out laughing. “Mom? You wanted to confuse me when I turned eighteen?”

  Her mother laughed so hard that the van swerved a little. “Oh, sorry.” She caught her breath. “No. I hoped you wouldn’t get confused at all when you were eighteen and mature.”

  “You mean I’m not mature?” Lisa crossed her eyes and let her tongue loll out of her mouth.

  Her mother laughed again. “Apparently not.” She blew out a sigh. “But you need to decide soon and call William from camp. I’d say sooner rather than later. Okay?”

  “I will.” Lisa kind of wanted to be in William and Evelyn’s wedding, but wasn’t sure how William’s family would react to his bastard kid suddenly showing up after sixteen years. She sighed and decided not to think about it just yet.

  They rode along in silence for a while until her mother said, “I wonder how Papa’s doing at home with the kids.”

  “He’s probably in shock. I can see Bridget now, pulling on his shirt begging to go to the playground.”

  Her mother laughed. “And Lawrence Jr. kicking his soccer ball around the house until Papa plays with him.”

  “What about Lynnie?”

  They both laughed and her mother said, “Lynnie will be whining to stay in her room and read the Harry Potter series over again. You know she finished all those books that Sam gave her.”

  The mere mention of Sam’s name put an immediate end to Lisa’s temporary good mood. In silence, she watched a semi-tractor trailer pass them.

  “Honey?” her mother asked. “Talk to me.”

  Lisa took a deep breath. “What?”

  “C’mon. Whenever I bring up Sam’s name you clam up and get moody. What happened between you two?”

  Not now, Mom. The last thing she wanted to add to her troubles was a heart to heart with her mother about Sam. She wasn’t in the mood to pretend that she and Sam were just friends who’d had a misunderstanding. Is that all it was? A misunderstanding?

  “Honey?”

  “Sorry.” Lisa sighed. “We just…”

  “You like Sam, don’t you?”

  It wasn’t really a question. “Yeah.” She didn’t elaborate.

  They sat in silence for a few long minutes. Lisa knew her mother was digging for something more, but she hadn’t planned on coming out to her mother that day. Someday, of course, but not then. Not with so many complicated things going on in her life.

  “I mean, you really like Sam,” her mother pressed.

  Lisa exchanged a silent glance with her mother, but then stared at the truck in front of them. I don’t know if I’m ready to tell you, Mom.

  “I don’t want to make assumptions, so you’re going to have to help me out here.”

  “Mom, c’mon,” Lisa said in frustration. “Not today, okay?”

  “If not today, when?” Her mother sighed and tapped the steering wheel with her index finger as if trying to figure out what to say next. “I want you to talk to Reverend Owens.”

  Lisa groaned. “Why? There’s nothing wrong with me.” She looked down at her hands.

  “I know.” Her mother put a defensive hand up. “I just want you to be sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. I mean, this could be a phase. Or Sam could be taking—”

  “Taking what, Mom?” Lisa whipped her head around to glare at her mother. “Sam could be taking advantage of me? Me? What the hell do I have to offer her?”

  “Language, young lady.”

  “Sorry. Sam’s got everything in the world she could ever want.” Lisa sighed and sat quietly for a moment before adding, “She’s not the kind to take advantage of people.” Something clicked in her head, and she decided to get it over with. She braced herself and said, “Sam and I have been…Sam’s my…” She sighed and scratched at the soft cast on her right hand.

  “You’re in love with Sam?” her mother suggested.

  “Yeah.” Lisa let out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry for what? That you love somebody?”

  Lisa nodded.

  “Oh, honey. I hope your father and I haven’t ever given you reason to think we’d love you less because you love a…because you love somebody. I just want you to make sure this is what you really want. This kind of lifestyle won’t be easy. Talking with Reverend Owens might help you.”

  “What does Reverend Owens know about any of this?”

  “He’s a counselor for the church.”

  Lisa groaned. “Yeah, a marriage counselor for straight people.” She almost choked at saying the word straight with such derision in front of her mother. She quickly added, “What if Reverend Owens tells me I’m going to hell?”

  Something primal crossed her mother’s face. “Then we will find someone else for you to talk to.”

  “So you don’t think I’m going to hell because I’m gay?”

  “Oh, Lisa. Don’t use that word. We don’t know if you’re gay.”

  “How about lesbian? Or queer? Pick a label, any label. They all fit.” Lisa shrugged. But whatever label you pick, Mom, I like girls and that’s the way it is.

  Her mother hesitated and then said, “Please talk with Reverend Owens before you label yourself.”

  “But Mom—”

  “Please, honey. At least grant me that.” The pleading look in her mother’s eye silenced any more of Lisa’s objections.

  “What about babies?” her mother asked. “You always talked about having a houseful.”

  “I still want babies.”

  Her mother tapped the steering wheel, alone in her thoughts. “There are ways, I guess.”

  “Ways of what?”

  “Having babies.”

  “Mom!” Lisa groaned again, but inside she smiled a little. Maybe her mother was coming to terms with her eldest daughter being gay.

  “What? I want grandchildren.” She smirked.

  “Mom, we had this talk in fifth grade, remember?”

  “We didn’t have the two mommies talk, did we?” Her mother laughed. “I would have remembered that.”

  Lisa pulled her sunglasses down and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “So, you’re okay with, you know, me and Sam?”

  “Well, I still haven’t quite wrapped my brain around the whole thing yet, but I will love you regardless. I do need to ask one more thing of you, though.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Be respectful around the little ones. I don’t think they’ll understand.”

  “Are you ashamed of me?” Lisa stared down at her hands.

  “Oh, honey, of course not. I just need time to get used to the whole idea. I think I’ll be making my own appointment with Reverend Owens.”

  “You will?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Well, you may not have to.”

  “Why not?”

  “There may not be a 'me and Sam' anymore.”

  “Oh?” Her mother glanced over. Lisa couldn’t read the expression.

  “I don’t know, Mom. She’s Samantha Rose Pa
yton, East Valley royalty.”

  “To be honest, Papa and I felt a little self-conscious when she came over for our Memorial Day barbeque.”

  “You knew who she was?”

  Her mother nodded. “We thought maybe you’d be embarrassed that we’re just working class folks. A hair dresser and a handyman.”

  “I’m proud of you guys, Mom. I would never be embarrassed by you.” Lisa had always admired the hard work her parents put in at their jobs. She loved the way her mother was equal parts psychologist and hair dresser with her customers. And she loved the way her father could fix anything—even mean old Mr. Muller’s furnace which her father fixed for free all the time. She’d learned a lot of skills from both of her parents. From her dad she learned stuff like the difference between a ball-peen and a claw hammer. From her mom, she learned how to have patience and listen carefully to other people. Which I think maybe I forgot.

  Lisa looked at her Mom. “Her family owns half of Clarksonville County or something, and she didn’t tell me.”

  “And so now you feel a little betrayed?”

  “Geez, wouldn’t you?”

  “Yes, I guess I would, too.” Her mother nodded. “Maybe Sam was embarrassed.”

  “Yeah, maybe, because I’m not sophisticated or something. Like I wouldn’t know which fork to use or whatever.”

  “Oh, no, honey. I meant maybe she was embarrassed to show you how she lived.”

  “Why?”

  “Maybe she’s self-conscious about how much wealth her family has that others don’t.”

  “Like me.”

  “Yes, like us. You know, that was an awfully quiet car ride back from the emergency room.”

  “I know. Sam and I are in a fight, I guess. Susie, that’s Marlee’s friend, told us that Sam was stinkin’ rich, and I was embarrassed, because I didn't know. Marlee was looking at me like I should have known all along. That I should have told her.” The words tumbled out in one continuous stream. “I felt like the stupidest person in the world. I mean, was I so selfish that I never asked Sam about herself? Geez, was it all about me, me, me the whole time?”