Agatha Raisin and the Love from Hell

by Beaton, M. C.

  ‘You are not supposed to be here,’ James was saying sharply. ‘There are official visiting days twice a year, and this is not one of them.’

  ‘Is that all you have to say?’ demanded Agatha, her hands on her hips. ‘Melissa gets herself murdered, there’s a police hunt for you, I think for ages you’re probably dead, and all you can come up with is that it’s not a visiting day!’

  James sat down suddenly on the bench and put his head in his hands. Agatha sat down beside him, suddenly weary.

  ‘Tell me about it,’ he said.

  So Agatha told him all about Melissa’s murder and how she had finally discovered that Megan was the culprit. ‘If you had not run away,’ she said waspishly, ‘then Megan would have been arrested for assault and Melissa would still be alive.’

  James looked at her. Under his tan, his face had gone quite white.

  ‘So why did you run away?’ asked Agatha.

  ‘I was a mess,’ he said. ‘I thought you were having an affair with Charles.’

  ‘Don’t judge other people by yourself,’ snapped Agatha.

  ‘I started spending some time with Melissa. But she began to frighten me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I had been consulting a psychiatrist in Mircester and he let slip that he had all the files from the psychiatric unit. I had begun to think Melissa was a classic example of a psychopath . . .’

  ‘Didn’t stop you shagging her,’ put in Agatha.

  ‘Please.’ He held up his hand. ‘I looked in the files and found she had indeed been sectioned at one time and diagnosed as such. She had got quite drunk over dinner one night and had told me she had a lot of money and was going to leave it to her old friend Megan, who, by coincidence, had married her ex-husband. She said Megan was the only friend she’d got. They’d been through some hard times together. Then, one day when I got home, I went out into the back garden. At first I thought it was a teenager and called to her sharply. She introduced herself as Megan Sheppard. I asked how she had got in. She said, “Over the fence.” She said she had come to warn me to leave Melissa alone. She said Melissa was her friend.

  ‘I got rid of her quickly. But something made me wonder if Megan was another psychopath, and if such, could be dangerous; if such, could only be interested in Melissa for the money.’

  He sighed. ‘I couldn’t leave well enough alone. I simply had to go back to the psychiatrist and check the files. Yes, Megan had been in the psychiatric unit at the same time as Melissa. I felt I had not long to live. Our marriage was a disaster. I thought I could at least help Melissa.’ Agatha winced. ‘There are different levels of psychopathy. I thought Melissa probably had a personality disorder, whereas the little I had seen of Megan pointed to a stone-hard psychopath.

  ‘So I called on Melissa and told her about Megan’s visit. I said that Melissa would be better off leaving her money to her sister, and telling Megan that. Melissa’s eyes lit up at the prospect and I realized with a sinking heart that she was actually looking forward to the experience and that she was as incapable of affection and friendship as Megan.

  ‘She must have told Megan it was I who had counselled her to change her will. Megan walked in on me and started berating me. She then swung a hammer at my head. I staggered off. I got in the car and drove until I realized I was too ill to drive any more. I got out. I wanted to get away from the whole mess. I hitched a lift and told the truck driver I had suffered a fall. He said he would drop me at the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford. I did not go in. I waited in the meadows until dawn and sponged the blood from my head.

  ‘I got out on the A40 and another truck driver took me as far as London. I got a bus from Victoria coach station to the coast. You see, in all my distress and shame, all I could think of was this monastery.’

  ‘The police were looking everywhere for you,’ said Agatha. ‘They must have missed the coach station. How did you get over to France?’

  ‘Friends, with a yacht. I worked my way south until I got to here. I never thought for a moment Melissa was in danger. I thought someone would have seen Megan leaving my cottage, have heard the noise. I thought that by now Melissa would have realized that when I told her Megan was dangerous, I was speaking the truth.’

  ‘So where do we go from here?’ asked Agatha, searching his face for some sign of that old affection, but James’s face was set and bleak.

  ‘I would like to join this order. I found a faith here, Agatha, and that faith cured me.’ He smiled wryly. ‘I’ve always missed army life, and this is very like it, the order and discipline.’

  ‘What about us?’

  James looked at her sadly. ‘I hope you will give me a divorce, Agatha.’

  Agatha shrugged. ‘Sure,’ she said. Another woman she could have battled against, would have battled against, but how on earth did you fight God?

  ‘I planned to return in a week’s time to clear things up. I shall see you then.’ He stood up. ‘I must go. Someone will soon come looking for me and you should not be here.’

  Agatha stood up as well. She held out her hand. James gave it a firm handshake. ‘See you next week.’

  Then he smiled sweetly at her and raised his hand in benediction. Agatha suddenly found she was so angry, she was shaking.

  ‘Get stuffed, James,’ she said evenly.

  He gave her a sorrowful look, and putting his cowl over his head, walked away through the garden.

  Agatha felt old and weary and the sustaining anger drained out of her. She hoisted herself up the wall and rested for a moment, lying across the top. ‘Want me to come up and help you?’ came Charles’s voice.

  ‘No, I’ll manage.’ Agatha fumbled her way down the other side.

  ‘That was James,’ said Charles, ‘and what did he have to say for himself?’

  As they walked across the field to the other wall, Agatha told him. Charles made an odd sound. She stopped and stared at him. ‘You’re laughing?’

  ‘I can’t help it,’ chuckled Charles. ‘My husband, the mad monk.’

  Overwrought, Agatha slapped him across the face. Charles promptly slapped her back, hard, and then fell on to the ground, rolling over and over, holding his sides and roaring with laughter.

  Agatha stared down at him, holding her cheek where he had slapped her, the anger ebbing out of her.

  And then she began to laugh helplessly as well.

  ‘That’s better,’ said Charles, getting up and putting an arm around her shoulders. ‘So does he want a divorce? You didn’t say anything about that.’

  ‘Yes, and he’s welcome to one. He’ll be back next week to wrap things up.’

  ‘How’s his tumour?’

  ‘He says he’s cured.’

  ‘I can see where he’s at,’ said Charles. ‘If I’d had a brain tumour and a bunch of monks cured me with their religious belief, I’d be joining a monastery as well.’

  ‘Not if you loved your wife, you wouldn’t.’

  ‘So do you think you’ll be able to live with it?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Agatha. And with increasing surprise: ‘Yes, I think I can. It really is all over now.’

  Epilogue

  ‘And is he definitely coming back?’ asked Bill Wong. ‘Or do we have to send out men to bring him back?’

  ‘Oh, he’ll be back any day now. To wrap things up.’

  ‘I don’t see that we can really charge him with anything,’ said Bill. ‘A good lawyer would get him off like a shot. Attacked and injured, not himself, thought he was dying, didn’t look at newspapers. How did he get over to France?’

  ‘Friends with a yacht.’

  ‘I can understand James not knowing about the hunt for him, but his friends surely would. He’d better come and see us when he gets back and make a statement. I haven’t asked you: how did you know where to find him?’

  ‘It was that diary of his.’

  ‘But we went over it. Nothing there.’

  ‘There was a bit about the monastery and the spiritual peace. Charles sa
id it was a long shot, but James had been interested in miracle cures and he said it was worth a try.’

  ‘Amazing how the pair of you discover things. Where is Charles, by the way?’

  ‘He felt like staying on in France, and he’d done so much for me that I got him to drive me to Marseilles and got a plane from there.’ Agatha laughed.

  ‘What’s funny?’

  ‘I thought Charles had turned all generous, but before I left, he asked for my share of the petrol money, and then he’d bribed some old fellow, and he asked for the money he’d given him because it was to find James. But it was good of him to urge me on to going to that monastery.’

  ‘Megan is not going to trial.’

  ‘Oh, why?’

  ‘Unfit to stand. We’ve had every sort of psychiatrist to try to prove she’s faking it, but she does seem to be really mad.’

  ‘I’m relieved I won’t have to go to court.’

  ‘You still will have to. Luke Sheppard is being charged with conspiracy to murder. I’ll let you know the date of the trial. My bosses would have been really angry to find you were out of the country. They’d have expected you to be available for further statements. So I suppose I’d better put in a report about James.’

  ‘Can’t you leave it? He’ll be here. The man of God has promised. And he does want that divorce.’

  ‘All right. I’ll give it another week, and if he isn’t at police headquarters by then, I’ll send the gendarmes to get him.’

  ‘But you said he wasn’t going to be charged with anything?’

  ‘That’s true. But to wrap things up, he’ll need to make a statement about his long disappearance, and Wilkes will no doubt give him a dressing down about wasting valuable police time. But then, he didn’t murder Melissa, knew nothing about it, so he can hardly be blamed for anything. And if someone hits you on the head with a hammer and you don’t report a crime – well, that’s that.’

  ‘James said he thought Melissa was just someone with a personality disorder, not a dyed-in-the-wool psychopath.’

  ‘Then he’s probably right. But if she hadn’t been so manipulative, holding out the offer of riches after her death to Megan, she’d still be alive. I wouldn’t blame James. I think even if he had reported her, she would have bided her time until the fuss died down, and then she would have killed Melissa anyway. I can’t see that one waiting years to see if Melissa died without helping her on her way. Oh, there’s one other thing.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘As far as we can gather, Melissa had not made a previous will. She had lied to Megan.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I think it might have amused her to think that if she died first, Megan was going to be one very disappointed woman.’

  ‘And James got involved with someone like that?’

  ‘He was thrown by his illness. Most of the people we interviewed seemed to find her very friendly and charming. What will you do now?’

  ‘I’ll wait for James and we’ll go to a lawyer and start proceedings for a divorce. After that, I don’t know.’

  ‘You’ll find something. Let’s hope it’s not another murder.’

  ‘I don’t care if a body drops at my feet,’ said Agatha. ‘Never again.’

  ‘We’ll see. Now what about you and Charles coming for Sunday dinner?’

  ‘Charles is in France and I can’t really think of anything other than getting things straight with James,’ said Agatha. ‘I’ll let you fix a date when this is all over.’

  ‘All right. I’ll hold you to it. What does Mrs Bloxby have to say about all this?’

  ‘I haven’t told her yet. I only got back last night. I’ll drop along and see her this afternoon. How’s your love life?’

  ‘Dead. Nothing happening. Didn’t work out. We’re quite a pair.’

  ‘You’ll find someone,’ said Agatha, although she privately thought if Bill would stop taking them home, he’d find someone. ‘It’s different for you,’ she went on. ‘You’re young. Lots of girls around. At my age, if the man isn’t married, then there’s something up with him, and nice widowers don’t pop up all over the place.’

  ‘You could join one of those dating agencies,’ said Bill. ‘You know, one of the good ones, where they try to match up people.’

  ‘Thanks, Bill. But right now I feel like steering clear of involvements.’

  After Bill had left, Agatha fed her cats and was about to go along to the vicarage when the doorbell rang.

  When she answered it, she stepped back a little and tried to wipe the look of dismay off her face. Jimmy Jessop and his wife, Gladwyn, stood on the doorstep. ‘We were touring the Cotswolds,’ said Jimmy, ‘and I found I still had your home address. So I said to Gladwyn, “Agatha will be thrilled to see us.”’

  Gladwyn gave Agatha a small, thin smile.

  ‘Come in,’ said Agatha reluctantly. ‘Can I offer you lunch?’

  ‘No, we had some in a pub.’

  ‘We only have a few minutes,’ said Gladwyn. ‘What a quaint little cottage you do have. Me, I like modern. Still, it takes all sorts.’

  ‘Where is your baby?’ asked Agatha.

  ‘My mum’s looking after him.’

  ‘I heard they got someone for that murder,’ said Jimmy. ‘You didn’t have anything to do with finding out who did it, did you?’

  ‘I did indeed,’ said Agatha, glad of an opportunity to show off. She outlined how she had discovered that Megan was the culprit while Gladwyn fidgeted and yawned.

  ‘That’s fascinating,’ said Jimmy when she had finished. ‘But what about your husband?’

  ‘Oh, he turned up,’ said Agatha airily.

  ‘Everything all right?’

  ‘Marvellous,’ said Agatha. ‘We’re a very happy couple.’

  ‘So where is he?’ asked Gladwyn, her eyes boring into Agatha’s.

  ‘Over in France on business. He’ll be back soon.’

  ‘Mrs Raisin?’ called Mrs Bloxby’s voice. She came into the kitchen. ‘You left the front door open, so I just walked in. I met Bill Wong and heard the news.’

  Agatha shot her a warning look, but Mrs Bloxby was smiling at Jimmy and Gladwyn. ‘I’m so glad James is alive and well. But going to be a monk! And you’re getting a divorce.’

  Gladwyn was smiling now.

  ‘This is Mr and Mrs Jessop,’ said Agatha hurriedly. ‘Gladwyn, Jimmy, Mrs Bloxby. They’re just leaving.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ said Gladwyn, settling back in her chair. ‘I want to hear all about how you can have a marvellous marriage with a monk.’

  But Jimmy saw the look on Agatha’s face and stood up and helped a reluctant Gladwyn out of her chair. ‘I won’t take up any more of your time, Agatha. No. We can see our way out.’

  Agatha sat down and put her head in her hands. She heard the outside door slam and then a high cackle of laughter from Gladwyn out on the road.

  ‘Oh, I am sorry,’ said Mrs Bloxby. ‘I just blurted it out without thinking. Was that your police inspector?’

  ‘Yes, and I told his dreadful wife that me and James were happily married and that he was away on business in France. Never mind.’

  ‘So tell me all about it.’

  Agatha felt she had told the story so many times that her voice was beginning to echo in her ears. When she had finished, Mrs Bloxby said, ‘How dreadful for you.’

  ‘You mean, Melissa trying to shoot me?’

  ‘No, James being a monk.’

  ‘I thought you would approve. “Nearer my God to thee”, and all that.’

  ‘I’m glad he is well and alive. But finding that he plans to enter the monastery must have come as a great shock to you.’

  ‘I think I’ve gone through every emotion from grief to anger, but it’s all over now. Perhaps it would have been easier for me if he had died.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t think so. Before you came to live here, there was a woman in the village who adored her husband. He was actually a rather nasty man. When he died, s
he elevated him to sainthood and wasted lots of money on mediums trying to get in touch with him. Now if he had lived – they had not been married long – then she would have found out what sort of man he was. You see, when one of the nearest and dearest dies, the one left behind feels irrationally guilty and remembers all the nice things about the dead person and blames themselves for not having been nicer, better, kinder. And you say James is coming back? Good. That will give you some much-needed time to accustom yourself to the idea of divorce.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have thought a divorced man could become a monk,’ said Agatha.

  ‘You weren’t married in the Catholic Church, so possibly it doesn’t count.’

  ‘Maybe. Maybe he won’t tell them. I’m going to start planning my life, figure out what I’m going to do in the weeks and months ahead.’

  ‘Oh, I wouldn’t even bother. You’re the sort of person that things happen to. Are you sure you are going to be all right?’

  ‘Yes, I’ve come to terms with it all.’

  But during the following days, Agatha found herself going to the beautician twice and the hairdresser twice. She walked and cycled, she cleaned her cottage herself, although Doris Simpson had already cleaned it, and then went next door and cleaned and dusted James’s cottage.

  Every time she cycled, walked or drove back and came into Lilac Lane, her eyes always flew to James’s house. She was so used to seeing it standing there, closed and silent, that when after a week she was driving back from the market at Moreton-in-Marsh she was quite shocked to see the door to James’s cottage standing open.

  She cruised to a halt and got out of her car. Would he be wearing his robes? She rang the bell. James came to the door. He was wearing a coarse white cotton shirt and faded jeans.

  ‘Agatha!’ he said with genuine pleasure. ‘Come in. I was just about to call on you. Coffee?’

  Agatha followed him in.

  ‘Yes, please,’ said Agatha, sitting down on the sofa.

  ‘Only instant,’ he called from the kitchen.

  ‘Fine.’

  James came back with two mugs and settled down in an armchair opposite and stretched out his long legs. His eyes in his deeply tanned face looked bluer than ever.