The Death of Her

by Debbie Howells

  As her eyes met his, behind the fear and uncertainty, Jack saw something else. Physically she was fragile, there was no doubt about it, but inside, he sensed steel.

  Then, as he watched, it was as if the fog lifted momentarily from her imploded, uncertain world, as she remembered something.

  ‘She has a pony.’ She turned agitatedly to Abbie. ‘Can I borrow your iPad?’

  ‘Of course.’ Abbie went out to the kitchen and came back with it. ‘Here.’

  He watched as Evie fumbled. Abbie caught his eye, but Evie managed to google and somehow find what she was looking for quite easily.

  ‘You’ve clearly done this before,’ Abbie said quietly.

  Evie ignored her. ‘This is it.’ Her hands were shaking slightly, her voice animated as she passed the iPad back to Abbie so that she could see the image of the soft, grey-brown toy with mournful eyes and fluffy mane. ‘It’s exactly like this. Except Angel’s pony, called Pony, only has one ear.’

  ‘I’ll make sure it gets passed on. Also,’ Abbie hesitated, ‘is there any chance you might have told Nick’s mother about Angel?’

  ‘No.’ The word came out instinctively. An honest, gut feeling, Jack noticed. His own experience of Sheila Abraham told him she wasn’t someone anyone would confide in. Evie seemed sure. ‘We didn’t talk. She never liked me. After Nick and I split up, she wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me.’

  ‘Do you know why?’ Abbie was frowning.

  Evie was silent for a moment. ‘I wondered if she was one of those jealous, possessive mothers. You know . . .’ She glanced at Abbie, then at Jack. ‘The kind for whom no woman is ever good enough for their beloved son.’

  It happened. Jack had come across a number of women who saw their son’s lover as a threat.

  As the light seemed to go out in her eyes, Evie’s hands started to shake. ‘How do people do this?’ Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she turned to Abbie.

  Jack could see Abbie swallowing as she reached for Evie’s hand. ‘You hold on to hope –’ she looked at Jack, then back to Evie – ‘really tight, because sometimes, it’s all you have.’

  Jack could feel the strength in her words. As she spoke, he saw the expression on Evie’s face change.

  ‘We’re doing all we can.’ He spoke quietly, but with as much conviction as he could muster. ‘I know, right now, it’s really hard.’ He paused. ‘You have all these memories coming back, and a lot of them don’t make sense, but you mustn’t let this incapacitate you. If you do, you won’t be able to help Angel.’

  He watched Evie blinking at him. But Jack was right, he knew he was. She had to rise above this, the desperation, the agonizing worry which didn’t go away, which wanted to cripple her, and somehow find the same strength he’d managed to find when Josh was in the car crash. The human spirit had an instinct for survival, even when it seemed impossible, when the world was crumbling around you. And only when she’d summoned that strength could she think clearly. Start to make sense of what was already coming back to her; to examine every detail she remembered of the minutiae of her life, before it was too late.

  Evie got up and walked over to the window, where she seemed to be engaged in a battle with herself. Then she turned round to face them.

  ‘Oh God . . .’ She looked agitated again. ‘I don’t know if this will make sense, but I need to talk about Nick again.’ She looked at Abbie. ‘This isn’t like before – when I talked to Charlotte.’ She spoke fiercely, her body tight, as she stood there. ‘I can’t explain how, but I know it’s different. I need to tell you, Abbie . . . Both of you.’ She glanced at Jack. ‘Everything I’m remembering, right now, before I lose it again.’

  They needed to let her talk. Jack could see how urgent this was for her; how frightened she was of losing it all again.

  Glancing at Jack, Abbie nodded, then got up, reaching into her bag for a notebook, then getting her phone. ‘Do you mind if I record this, like last time?’

  Relieved, Evie nodded.

  ‘Right. And like before, if you want to stop at any time, just say.’

  Evie waited for her to set the phone to record. ‘Where do I start?’

  ‘You and Nick,’ Abbie said. ‘How you met, where you lived, why you parted. Other people in your lives – like family or ex-lovers; anyone who might have been jealous of you. People who wanted to break you up.’

  31

  ‘It was Nick’s idea to move,’ Evie started. ‘We were living in Croydon at the time, which was an easy commute for him – he worked in the City. But after we got engaged, his grandfather died and left him some money. Moving to the country was something we’d talked about on and off – for the future. Not for now, when we had jobs and friends where we were.’

  She thought for a moment. ‘Suddenly Nick was in a hurry. He kept saying how he didn’t want to be one of those people who talked about what they wanted but never did anything. He couldn’t see the point in putting it off. I was less sure than he was. But he was insistent. Once he’d made his mind up, Nick was like that.’ It resonated with the Nick the police had interviewed. His portrayal of Evie’s reticence had been nothing short of scathing. ‘We started to look at houses. None of them were right. I thought maybe he’d give up on the idea. Then I discovered I was pregnant.’

  Evie shook her head sadly. ‘He was elated, emotional. And impatient. I wanted to wait until after the baby was born. But he wouldn’t listen.’ She stared at Abbie. ‘It’s like a large, brilliant picture playing in my mind. I can remember expressions, emotions. Nick’s face, his enthusiasm. Even my reticence. They’re all part of it.’ Then she frowned. ‘You don’t think I’m making it up, do you?’

  ‘It’s fine, Evie.’ Abbie tried to reassure her. ‘You’re doing really well.’ She glanced at Jack. ‘Keep talking.’

  ‘We saw this farmhouse. Nick fell in love with it.’ Evie’s voice was flat. ‘I could see why. It was everything he’d wanted. It was huge – with room for a family to grow, for us to have friends over. I was less sure, because it was so much further from everything I knew. But he kept on about how villages were friendly, how I’d get to know everyone and we’d probably end up living there forever.’

  She paused. ‘The thing is, if we’d stayed together, it might have been like that. He’s persuasive. People are drawn to him. And he’s hugely sociable. We would have had parties and got to know everyone . . . But I suppose, even before we moved, I wasn’t sure.’

  Jack watched her. She believed every word she was saying. Had his colleagues misread Nick? Was there a charming side to him? Somehow, he doubted it. From what he understood about the man, it was more likely Nick had bullied her.

  ‘I didn’t understand why Nick was so sure about moving. I was happy with city life. And just because you live in a small village doesn’t mean you’re surrounded by instant friendships.’

  ‘Were you happy there?’ Abbie asked quietly.

  ‘I wanted to be.’ It came out too brightly, and then her eyes were suddenly full of tears again. ‘I tried to want what he wanted, but I couldn’t.’

  ‘What happened after you moved there?’

  ‘I lost the baby.’ Pain washed across Evie’s face. ‘I miscarried at six months. Just one of those things. It happens – to more people than you’d think.’

  She must have gone through labour knowing her baby was dead. Jack tried to imagine how that would be. ‘Was that when you left?’

  She shook her head. ‘We’d been there nearly two years.’ Evie paused, as if trying to work it out. ‘I could remember, because we’d planned to celebrate with champagne in the local pub. It had been Nick’s idea to mark the date. That evening, he was late getting home. He used to catch the train from Haywards Heath. I tried to call him but he didn’t answer. I even checked the trains to see if the one he usually got was delayed. Everything was running on time.’ She swallowed. ‘It’s all coming back. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it before.’

  It was easier
not to, Jack was thinking. He didn’t talk, that was for sure, just buried what was painful rather than confront it head on.

  ‘When he eventually got home, he said his train had been cancelled. There was alcohol on his breath. All that time I wasn’t happy, it seemed Nick wasn’t, either. Soon after that, things started to fall apart. Two months later, I left him. I went to stay with a friend.’

  ‘And you were pregnant again.’

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered.

  ‘What about Nick’s mother? After you split up, did you see her?’

  ‘No. There was no point. Anyway, she was poisonous. She hijacked our break-up with her lies, saying how I’d betrayed Nick, and how I wasn’t good enough for him. How I’d let all of them down, including her. I couldn’t believe the force of her attack. But looking back on it, I don’t think she could cope with me leaving her perfect, handsome son. She said I was ungrateful. I remember her saying to me, “Who do you think you are . . .”’ Her voice faded.

  Jack was silent. People made each other so miserable sometimes. It reminded him of when he discovered Louise’s affair. It was after Josh had died, when he’d naively believed things were OK between them and that they’d found some semblance of happiness. Then out of the blue, he’d discovered they weren’t. Happiness severed, was how he remembered that time.

  Abbie frowned. ‘It must have been difficult for you.’

  ‘Yes.’ Evie stared at her hands, at the finger that used to wear an engagement ring.

  ‘I mean, having to move away,’ Abbie went on. ‘Especially after losing your baby, when you were pregnant with your second.’

  ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left. I found out soon after,’ she mumbled. ‘I was staying with a friend – then I found out I was pregnant again. After that, I wanted my own place.’ She stared ahead of her. ‘I got my old job back, but Nick came looking for me. He wanted us to try again. When I said I didn’t want to, he got nasty. He called my boss and told him I’d lost my last job because I was unstable. It wasn’t true. He did it out of spite, because I wouldn’t do what he wanted. He has a controlling streak. I knew that if he ever found out I was pregnant, I’d never be free of him.’

  ‘Nick wouldn’t give up?’

  ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘But for all the wrong reasons. It was about pride, possession. Obsession, even. Not because he loved me. He’s like his mother.’

  ‘We’ve talked to Sheila Abraham,’ Jack interrupted, then watched alarm register on Evie’s face.

  ‘Why?’ Suspicion clouded her eyes. Right now, it was clear, Evie didn’t trust anyone.

  ‘I’m sorry, Evie. I know you didn’t want her involved. But we have to talk to family members. Apparently, when you and Nick split up, she was shocked – so she says. According to her, you got off to a bad start. She said she’d tried – several times – to make things up with you, but you refused to have anything to do with her.’

  Jack watched as Evie started to shake, whether with anger or fear, he couldn’t tell.

  ‘She’s not the kind of person you can trust,’ she said, her jaw set.

  Jack glanced at Abbie. As far as he could tell, it was an accurate assessment of Sheila Abraham.

  ‘So what happened after you moved into your own place?’

  ‘I knew I couldn’t go back. I didn’t love Nick. I scraped by until Angel was born, then I moved to Cornwall. That was when I changed my name. It was a chance for a fresh start. And I had Angel. I didn’t need anyone else. She was my reason to go on living.’

  After a moment, Abbie turned back to her notebook. ‘Do you know why you felt the need to hide?’

  Evie stared straight at her. ‘Is it really that strange? Plenty of people live quiet lives. And it was because of Nick. Every day I lived in fear that he’d find us.’

  Abbie looked perplexed again. ‘The trouble is, if he’s her father, don’t you think he had a right to know he had a daughter?’

  Evie looked distressed. ‘Nick’s best friend is a top lawyer. If he’d found me, he’d have done everything in his power to take Angel away. I know he would. Between them, they’d concoct proof that I’m an unfit mother. Nick knew about the medication. He wouldn’t think twice about using it against me. I wouldn’t have a chance.’

  ‘And now he does know.’ Abbie’s voice was gentle.

  ‘Yes.’ She took a breath.

  ‘And he knows he may not be her father, doesn’t he?’

  Jesus, what a mess, Jack was thinking. But when you were desperate, you did things you wouldn’t ordinarily do. ‘You do realize that he can’t just take her from you?’

  Evie nodded. ‘He said he wants a DNA test.’

  ‘It’s reasonable.’ Jack looked at her. ‘And if it proves he isn’t Angel’s father, it will be the end of it.’

  ‘Yes.’ She nodded.

  ‘It was brave of you. You’re quite isolated out here.’

  ‘I couldn’t think what else to do. I thought I could give Angel the childhood I wanted for her, with beaches and clean air and open space. To start with, the isolation worried me. But as the months passed, and as Angel got a little older, I realized I felt safer without people around me. No one knew I was here.’

  ‘Safe?’ Abbie stopped her. ‘Do you remember feeling that you were in danger?’

  Evie leaned forward, burying her head in her hands. Then she looked up. ‘I suppose I must have. But I don’t know why.’

  Abbie looked at her. ‘Evie? This feeling of being unsafe, it’s impossible to prove but do you think it could be related to your attack? It seems that the closer we get to it, the more fragmented your memories are. You know you were afraid, but you don’t know why.’ Abbie paused, letting her take the words in.

  ‘I don’t know . . .’ Evie clasped her hands. ‘I can remember being frightened, but when I try to remember why, there’s nothing there.’

  ‘Charlotte said you’d had this conversation and she was convinced you were hiding from Nick.’

  Suddenly Evie looked up. ‘What if Nick knew? He could have pretended he didn’t know about Angel. What if he found me? What if he’s taken her?’

  32

  If there was one thing Jack knew about, it was emotional pain. The heartbreak of his wife’s betrayal and subsequent departure; the grief he suffered after Josh’s death. Dark, desperate months when he’d wished he, too, had died, unable to believe he’d get through that terrible loss. Grief was a lonely place; only had space for one. He hadn’t got over losing Josh. You never did – not with your own child. It had changed the world – changed him, too. He wasn’t the same person he had been before.

  As for Evie, he hardly dared think how long and unbearable each day must be. Days during which she imagined Angel somewhere, with an unknown someone; knowing the little girl would be missing her mother, wouldn’t understand why she hadn’t come. Imagining the best outcome, which was that she was being cared for, before glimpsing the worst, waiting for the onslaught of pain, embracing its violence, holding on to the only thought that kept her sane: that every day they didn’t find a body, there was still hope.

  Sometimes it was all you had – hope. He’d clung to it as he and Louise had rushed to the hospital. Even when they’d stood at Josh’s bedside, watching him, wired up to drips and machines, his eyes closed, his breathing mechanical. The realization had hit Jack like a thunderbolt – though his body was still functioning, Josh had gone.

  From what he knew about Nick, he wasn’t sure the man could have attacked Evie – not with the level of brutality that had left her fighting for her life. He believed in listening to his gut and right now, his gut was telling him Nick hadn’t done it. But from bitter experience, Jack knew that until there was proof, no one could be sure.

  Having seen her face, the distant look in her eyes, the dullness of her responses, Jack knew about the uncertainty that had Evie in its grip, that verged on insanity. He knew she was on pills that numbed everything, slowing the rate at which her brain work
ed, blunting her thoughts, her feelings, until they were running at half speed; all there, just less so. He remembered it all too well. It made it bearable, if you could call it that – her head just above the water, so that instead of drowning, she could float.

  What he also knew was that inertia killed you. When your child was in danger, if there was anything you could do, you had to do it. Evie had been stuck first in hospital, then in the house, apart from the brief episode when she’d run off and worried Abbie half to death. He had a day off today. Instead of chopping yet more firewood and sitting at home, letting the emptiness of the house get to him, suddenly he knew what to do.

  ‘Meet Beamer.’ His dog was wagging his tail with characteristic enthusiasm. ‘Are you OK with dogs?’

  ‘I like them.’ Evie reached a tentative hand out for Beamer to sniff. ‘I have a cat. He adopted us after we moved here.’ She frowned. ‘I haven’t seen him for a while. Sometimes he’s gone for a couple of days, but not longer than that.’

  ‘Maybe he got shut in somewhere,’ Jack suggested. Cats did their own thing. One had somehow got locked in his shed without him knowing.

  Evie was silent.

  ‘He’ll turn up. It’s a bit of a mess.’ Jack was talking about his car. ‘I thought it made sense to drive up the road a bit and walk from there.’ He’d thought by driving some of the way, she could conserve what little energy she had, save it for walking.

  Climbing into the car, she didn’t say anything. He drove down the track carefully. ‘I keep looking,’ he said quietly. ‘All the time. Everywhere I go. The villagers round here, they’re all looking too. They want to help, did you know that?’

  Through the trees, a ray of sun caught his eye. Nothing sounded right. It was good everyone was looking, but Angel hadn’t been found. What else would it take?

  ‘Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to go?’ he asked.

  She shook her head. He wondered how much of the countryside she recognized. He didn’t like to ask. Half a mile up the road, he turned up a dirt track through the trees and, after a hundred yards or so, pulled over and parked. ‘These are the same woods that your garden backs on to. Searches have combed the area closest to your house. Does this seem like a good place to start?’