Questions zoom in and out, never giving me a chance to think them through before the next one is clouding me. All of it makes me feel as if I can heave up the dinner I never got to have, so I try to calm myself down. I need to get home before I let a breakdown happen, but this façade is hard to keep up, and it causes my body to tremble.
Being my usual clumsy self, I almost trip over my own feet while walking into the comforts of my house. From the family room, I feel the concerned stares of my mother and Gabe, but I avoid it at all costs. I can’t imagine how bad I look with blood-red cheeks and knotted hair.
I accidentally slam my bedroom door behind me, jumping slightly at the sudden sound. I huff, rubbing my hands down my face while mentally telling myself to get it together. I drop my bag down on the desk, dragging my feet to the bathroom. Along the way, I strip myself of every piece of clothing, leaving a path of jeans, a sweater, and undergarments behind.
My tense muscles loosen in the scorching hot shower while I just cry until I physically can’t anymore. I feel needy and pathetic—a few of the worst emotions to ever curse me.
I don’t want to feel this way. I sure as hell don’t want to feel this way about Hayden, but it’s not exactly something I have control over.
Somehow, after an hour, I manage to pull myself out of the warm, comforting barrier of the shower that had been restoring my heart slowly. I dry myself off mindlessly, wandering in my imagination as I slip on clean undergarments and pull on leggings and a t-shirt.
Looking around my room, I noticed it’s an absolute mess, but I don’t have the strength or motivation to mosey about and pick everything up. Instead, I climb up on my bed, not even bothering to pull the blankets over me.
There is a stack of homework the size of a dictionary in my backpack that I should be slaving over, but the thought only makes me snuggle further into my comforter. The smell of fabric softener invades my senses, and I let out a sigh of contentment, forgetting the pain for just a second.
A gentle knock on my door causes me to groan into the plushness of my pillow. I honestly don’t know how long I have been lying here, just pondering on anything and everything.
“Come in?” I say just above a whisper, eyes heavy and body limp, in need of a good sleep.
My heart stutters at the thought of Hayden being on the other side to sort things out between us, but I know I’m not ready to face him after all of those cruel things I said to him only hours ago. Then there’s a small part that insists he wouldn’t chase after me; we’re not kids anymore.
I physically and mentally calm down when Gabe strolls into my room, giving me a warm smile. I compose myself while tucking my hands underneath the pillow, skin meeting with a coldness that makes me sigh.
He sits down on the edge of my mattress, placing a fifty-dollar bill on the bedside table. My brows furrow as I use all my strength to sit up so I can question him thoroughly, but apparently, my questioning stare is enough.
“I know you really want to go on that France trip with your art class, and I want that for you, but your mom wants you to learn responsibly by earning money. So, she doesn’t have to know about this.” Gabe chuckles, expression full of genuine kindness.
I exhale loudly to soothe my lungs, feeling admiration wash over me like a tidal wave. “I don’t know how I can ever thank you.”
“The money isn’t a problem, Elsie. You’re my family. It doesn’t matter what a DNA test would say.”
Reaching over, I take his hand in mine, smiling softly. “I’m grateful for the money, but I can’t ever repay you for being what this family needed,” I admit truthfully, wondering how we all got so lucky to have someone like him in our lives.
He pecks my forehead gently. “You guys are my family, and I love you all dearly.” Gabe grins, and I’m not able to fight mine from creeping up, completely forgetting about Hayden until he mentions it. “Don’t let him get to you. He’s not worth the pain, or your tears.”
I blink up at him in shock, eyes burning from unwanted tears building. “But I love him.”
“I know.” He nods with a soft voice. “But sometimes love isn’t enough.”
They say love can conquer all, right? But what if it’s unrequited? Does it still stand? I’m starting to think otherwise. How can one person try to hold up a relationship that has so much history when it feels like a thousand-pound weight?
“Good night!” Gabe says while walking back towards the door. “Have sweet dreams.”
Probably not, but I’ll try.
Once he’s gone, the tears that I thought dried up for the nightfall again. I’m so exhausted from crying over him constantly, and I want it to stop, but it’s not that easy. Finally, I will myself to slip under the covers, sinking into them as I bring my hand up to wipe the moisture off my cheeks.
After clicking off all the lights, I close my eyes, and sleepiness takes over and carries me straight into oblivion.
***
Hours later I find myself sweating, tossing, and constantly turning just to find a comfortable position. I just end up getting frustrated the longer I try.
The familiar sound of a window sliding open causes my heart to skip. My loud breaths get heavier and heavier when I see a slight shadow in the corner of my room, approaching my bed.
It’s just a nightmare, nothing to be afraid of. I try to convince myself in hopes of calming my racing nerves. However, a small squeal spills past my lips when I hear a thud that is followed by a string of muttered profanities under someone’s breath.
I come close to giving myself whiplash when I pop up quickly, stretching to flick on the lamp next to my bed. The light illuminates the room, and I let out a whoosh of relief when I see the brunette who’s bent down, caressing his foot.
“Ouch, shit!” The words just continue to tumble out of his mouth; he’s oblivious to the fact that he woke me up from a restless sleep. “When did you put a wooden bench in front of your bed?” Hayden hisses through clenched teeth.
In any other situation, I would have been doubled over in laughter, but all I feel like doing is crying. Even more so when he brings his sea-glass eyes up to meet my own. They are red-rimmed, and his cheeks are flushed while the rest of his face is pale. His messy hair is tangled as if he has run a hand through it a thousand times.
Every bone in my body is screaming to go to him, to let him know that everything is okay. I don’t, but I do sit up straighter to keep my expression clear of everything. “What are you doing here, Hayden?” I glance at the digital clock, reading the bright red numbers. “It’s one in the morning!”
Shoving the blankets off me, I hop out of bed and walk over where he stands. I use my knee to fix the bench he had moved out of place when he knocked into it.
Hayden drops his foot back to the ground, curling his toes against the carpet. As childish as it sounds, I know he’s double-checking to make sure that he still has all his limbs, which is just an irrational fear.
I remember when we were around the age of seven and six. Hayden had broken his arm while climbing on the jungle gym at the park, which scared me to my wit’s end. He cried for hours on end, mumbling things about amputation. His mother sat there stroking his curly hair in the middle of the emergency waiting room, promising it would be okay.
Unfortunately, at that age, I wasn’t all that comforting. In fact, I had been more mesmerized by everything going on around me.
“If they do cut it off, could we freeze it and then attach it back to Hayden’s robot body in the future?” I had gasped at my own idea, small eyes wide and frantic as I stared at his purple skin.
I was sat right next to him on the hospital bed after we’d been taken back. My legs were tucked underneath me as I inspected his arm, bottom lip tucked in between my teeth.
“Elsie!” Hayden had whined, turning his head to look up at me with glossy eyes that resembled the blooming grass outside. He squeezed my small hand in his for reassurance while his mom merely rolled her eyes at us.
&nbs
p; “Don’t worry,” I cooed, voice soft but still high-pitched. “I promise I won’t let them take your arm and use it for mutation purposes. I’ll even steal it back for you! Maybe we can stitch it to Mr. Biscuit!” I giggled, referring to his neighbor’s demon dog.
“Elsie, please…” He begged, a lone tear dripping down his cheek that usually held the dimples I was used to.
After that, I had decided to tease him no longer. Seeing him scared and upset was the worst; so to comfort him, I pressed a light kiss on his sweaty forehead. Picking at his fingers as we waited for the doctor to cast him up, Hayden fell asleep with his face nuzzled into the side of my leg.
Returning from the old memory, I came face to face with an eighteen-year-old Hayden, not the seven-year-old that would never think of hurting me. He’s gazing at me with an intensity I’ve never seen before like he’s thinking back on something as well. The expression on his face is more somber than my own, and I shift uncomfortably on my feet.
“I promised myself when we were kids that even if I were the one to make you cry, I would be the one to make it stop. I’m not breaking that promise now.” He admits softly, a strand or two of hair falling in his line of vision, which causes my fingers to twitch at my sides.
“Why not?” I bite out quietly, not wanting to wake my family. “You’ve broken others in the past…Why is this so different?”
“Elsie—” he sighs as he rubs a hand over his tired face “—I hate every single second that you’re upset with me. Even more so when I’m the one who causes it.”
“Then stop causing it.”
“I know, love. I know.” He visibly slumps while taking slow strides till he’s toe-to-toe with me. His warm and comforting hands dart up to cup my cheeks. “I’m just scared, okay?”
I whisper ever so quietly, “Scared of what?”
“There are a lot of things.” He leans in closer, irises deeply searching mine. “Scared of things changing. Scared of losing you. Scared of putting my effort into something that doesn’t mean a thing to me.” He thumbs my skin gently as my brows tug low. “And there’s more.”
Every time he’s this close, my brain turns to mush, and I can’t sort out a single feeling or thought I’m having. I shake my head gingerly in an attempt to sort everything out, and he senses that, pulling me even closer.
“The most important thing that you always remember is that no matter how much you hate me, you’ll always be the first one to have my heart.” He smiles shyly, pressing his lips to my hands that had come up to cover his.
I don’t realize I’m crying until he swipes the fallen tears away and wraps his arms around my shoulders. Hayden hauls my body to his, and I snake my arms around his waist, burying my face in his neck.
“I could never hate you, Hayden.” I concede, granting him access to a few of my thoughts. He may be the most frustrating boy I’ve ever met, but it’s important he knows that I will never have those malicious feelings towards him.
He relaxes against me like that was the only thing he needed to hear. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you for good.” He quivers, hands rubbing up and down the expanse of my back.
“You’d probably lose brain cells from playing too many video games, and probably get too many STIs because you never remember to get check-ups.” I chuckle, trying to make the mood lighter, but I still feel my heart clench.
It will always hurt. Not being able to share the feelings ready to burst inside will never be easy. He’s not the guy I once knew, but I still love him with every fiber of my being.
He lets out a breathless laugh into my wavy hair before leaning back to kiss my forehead. “See? We’re the perfect match!” He shoots me a boyish and dimpled grin while I finally see the shimmer come back into his eyes. “So, how about one of our sleepovers like the good ole days? Then we can spend the day together tomorrow?”
I tense in his arms and look to the ground when I remember the times he’d said the same thing before, and they only ended in tears for me. His pointer finger curls under my chin, nudging my head back up to look at him.
“I promise. No going back this time, okay?” Hayden takes it one step further with a strong voice, and the pathetic thing is I would have melted right into him if it weren’t for the dinner with Nick crossing my mind.
“I have dinner plans tomorrow night, but I’m free the next day.” I let out a small yawn, my words muffled.
He looks perplexed by the lack of invitation that I would usually offer up. Either way, he nods understandingly, a yawn coming from him as well. It’s far more obnoxious than mine, which causes us both to erupt into giggles.
Within the next five minutes, we’re both cuddled up in my bed, the darkness of the silent room blanketing us. More yawns are passed back and forth as our bodies drift unconsciously towards one another until we’re touching.
“I really am sorry, Elsie.” He exhales, cold lips pecking my cheek for the millionth time tonight. “I hate hurting you.”
He knows I’ll forgive him. I always do, right? So, the only thing I manage to do is to scoot closer, muttering these words before slipping back into a deep sleep: “Good night, Hayden…”
Chapter 5
Elsie
Waking up next Hayden for the first time in what felt like ages is more than peaceful. It feels like home.
Only minutes after peeling my eyes open to the sun shining through the cracks of the sheer curtains on my window do I realize that his arms are slung around my waist. Our foreheads and noses slightly touch while my arms curl up against his chest.
My gaze roams his serene face as a tendril of his hair flops out of its place. I smile to myself, reaching up to gently comb it back. The slight movements cause him to grumble, his arm tightening around me.
For some time, I just lay still. I want to enjoy it for as long as I can before it gets snatched away and dissipates into thin air as if it never happened.
We won’t have high school forever. One day, it’ll be over, and we’ll all have to grow up and move on. I’ll have to move on. It’s a cruel thought that pops into my head sometimes, but I try not to dwell on it.
Hayden knows exactly what he wants to do once he graduates. The Green Pine Community College is waiting for him to continue his education. But me? I have no idea what path my life is going to go down. Unfortunately, I can’t mope about my feelings for Hayden and make that into a career because one day, we might not even be in each other’s life.
In the near future, we might think back on times we had together, but that’s all it’ll be—memories. You hear those stories of high school best friends drifting apart. My heart aches agonizingly at the thought. I don’t know what I’d do if he weren’t in my life anymore. I’d much rather have Hayden around and be in pain than never see him again.
I wish I can take a small peek into the future just to see if he will be happy. That’s all that matters. If he is okay, then I guess I will be too.
It’s rare I ever allow my thoughts to drift into unwanted territory where Hayden and I never met. What would my life be like now? Would I still be the same person I am today? What kind of people would I surround myself with? But most importantly, would I be in this excruciating situation?
Hayden gave depth to my life. He’s made me more adventurous and outgoing. He peeled back all of my introverted layers and showed me that there’s so much more to life.
I haven’t even noticed that my hand has yet to leave his hair, as it’s constantly running soothingly through those wavy locks. He mumbles in his sleep while my thoughts run. I don’t know how long I’ve been laying here in the comfort of his arms.
My eyes spring open when I remember that it is indeed a school day. I twist around to see that the clock on the table reads eleven in the morning. We’re so late. I manage to somehow remove myself from his iron grip without waking him, crawling out of bed.
Stopping at the door, I turn around to take one last look. He tosses and turns, groaning lowly as his hands reach
out for me. A frown covers his face when he doesn’t find me lying next to him, but he relaxes once he finds my pillow.
Downstairs, I find my mom sitting on the couch with a mug in hand and a laptop on her legs. She’s worked for the same company for sixteen years. They’re an organization that sends people off to foreign countries that are in need. For the last month or so of the pregnancy, they gave her maternity leave to rest.
Once I get her attention and plop down on the couch, I ask why I wasn’t woken up for school. And she replies, “You guys looked too cute for me to wake up. Missing one day of school won’t kill you.” No, but it’ll kill my grades.
Hayden wakes up from his deep slumber an hour later, stumbling downstairs with complaints of me leaving him cold and lonely. Then he proceeds to sit on top of me while we chat with my mom for a bit. My stomach grumbles soon after, and we decide to make breakfast.
Now here I am, perched on the counter next to the stove where the griddle is cranked up to its full heat. Hayden pours the pancake batter we spent forty-five minutes making into the oddest shape. It wouldn’t have taken us that long if Hayden didn’t try to swipe each ingredient across my face.
“Are you serious?” I ask in annoyance when he completely ignores my protests.
“I told you that I was going to make you penis pancakes. It makes up for the lack of real ones you don’t get.” He chuckles in a voice that’s still coated with sleep.
I gasp playfully, nudging my fingertips into his side while he cackles. “Who says I don’t get any?”
Hayden nearly drops the measuring cup filled with batter. The amused expression suddenly leaves his face, and he chokes on nothing before trying to compose himself. He peers over at me with wide eyes. “What?”
I double over in giggles at the reaction I got out of him. “Joking,” I manage to say between spouts of laughter.
He musters up a shaky laugh, continuing with the pancakes as if I never said anything. He surely doesn’t find it as funny as I do. “I thought I would have to kick some guy’s ass,” Hayden smirks proudly while maneuvering the concoction into the shape of a penis.
The Best Friend: A Young Adult Romance Story Page 3
