Falling Hard: The Blackhawk Boys, Book 4

by Lexi Ryan

  I shake my head. “It wasn’t like that. You were wrong about her. We both were.” The truth settles into my gut like lead. “But we’d made our lives out of deception and couldn’t believe everyone else wasn’t as crooked as we were.”

  He waves at Patsy and she shakes her head. “You’ve about had enough tonight, don’t you think?”

  Dad sighs. “But you weren’t crooked. You were the worst conman I’d ever met. Too good deep down to do a job right.” He studies me for a beat. “Too good deep down to be stuck in the life I’d made for us. You deserved at least one chance at something better, and I gave it to you in the only way I knew how. But don’t you see why? Look at you now. Look what you’ve become.”

  I throw back my shot, letting the heat fill the cracks around my aching heart. “I wouldn’t be anything if it hadn’t been for her.”

  * * *

  Emma

  The rolling waves of the Gulf of Mexico roll into shore just beyond my balcony and help me breathe a little easier. Breathing hasn’t felt right since I left Keegan. I understand the metaphor of a breaking heart, because my chest literally aches, and I don’t want to take a full breath, because it hurts as if the shards sitting in there are poking into the tender tissue of my lungs.

  He called a couple of times the day after I left. I didn’t answer.

  He’s texted a dozen times since. I haven’t replied.

  The sliding glass door slides open and closed again.

  “I owe you an apology,” Mom says. Becky met me here shortly after I arrived, telling me friends don’t let friends nurse broken hearts alone. Mom arrived not long after that, and Becky refused to let her in the door until she listened to how Harry showed up at Keegan’s and tried to force himself on me again. “You know I’m not good at apologizing, and I’m sorry for that too. I should have listened to you five years ago. I should have believed you, because mothers should believe their daughters, but I didn’t want to. I wanted it all to be a terrible lie, because the truth was too horrible. I told myself, if she’s telling the truth, she’ll fight me and insist that I listen. But you didn’t, and I wanted to choose his story over yours so badly that I gave myself permission to think yours was all some jealous lie.”

  I cut my gaze away from her and focus on the steady rhythm of the waves rolling onto the shore, one after the next. This is life—moving on and continuing at its steady pace, no matter how much we might hurt inside and wish it all would stop.

  “A mother doesn’t want to think she’s put her daughter into the path of a predator over and over and over again. I chose what was easier. His bullshit was easier, and I’m sorry.”

  The words themselves cut something open inside me—an unhealed wound I’ve had wrapped up tight for five years. “Mom…” I shake my head. I don’t know what to say. Words tangle on my tongue, confused and contradictory. How could you? Thank you. You’re selfish. I know this is hard for you.

  “I told him I wanted a divorce a few months ago. He’s broke and wanted my money more than he ever wanted me. He swore he’d make a public spectacle if I went through with the divorce. I’ve been waiting because I didn’t want to take the attention off you and Zachary. And that marriage…there’s another place I failed you.”

  I turn away from the waves and look at her. She looks decades older today. Has she aged so suddenly, or did I stop looking her in the eyes so long ago that I never noticed the wrinkles that have formed there?

  “I should have known it wasn’t what you wanted,” she says. “There was something off about you two together. You and Zach are clearly good friends, but it didn’t compare to you and Keegan together. Something was missing, and instead of telling you to wait, instead of advising my daughter not to settle for a marriage where something important is missing, I chose what was easier. I told myself the marriage was going to make my daughter happy, and I needed to do everything I could to make that happen because I was never able to give her happiness before.” She gives a shaky smile, but her eyes remain sad. “I know an apology isn’t enough. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But if you’re going to keep hating me the way you have for the last five years, then I want you to do it knowing that I know I screwed up.”

  “I don’t hate you,” I whisper.

  “Maybe you should. I think I would.” She lifts her eyes to the clear sky. “If I could go back in time, I’d do it all differently. I would never marry Harry. I’d listen when my little girl told me she felt like she spent too much time on the set and she wanted to quit the show. I’d have asked more questions instead of pushing her to keep going. I can’t change any of that, but if I could…”

  “I forgive you, Mom. You believed what you needed to believe to stay sane. We all do that.”

  She shakes her head. “Don’t do that. Don’t be so easy on me. Yell at me or something. Make me feel terrible, because I deserve worse.”

  “You’re still my mom. You’re not perfect, but neither am I.” I take a breath. “You were just protecting yourself.”

  “And is that why you ran from Keegan? To protect yourself?”

  I shake my head. “It’s not the same.”

  She rubs my back with her open palm, and the physical affection is so out of character that it takes me by surprise. “I can tell you from experience: it’s not worth it. Better to be cut open and be true to your heart than to protect yourself and live half a life.”

  Chapter Forty

  Keegan

  “Keegan, there you are!” Bailey and I both turn to Olivia as she walks into the bar with Jazzy on her hip and a grin on her face. “You’re a tough man to track down lately.” She looks back and forth between me and Bailey. “Damn. Who died?”

  I shake my head. “Don’t. Not now.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Come on. You can’t be serious about that girl. She’s not even…”

  “What?” I ask through clenched teeth.

  “She’s in the way, okay? Dre dumped me, and suddenly you weren’t interested, and I’m alone with no job, and the second you decide you’re not paying my bills anymore, I’m screwed. I have student loans but no degree, a baby but no husband.” She shakes her head. “All I have to show for anything is this beautiful girl and her daddy, a guy who loved me once.”

  Bailey nods at me before turning back to tending bar. “We’ll talk later.”

  I’ve spent the last week avoiding Olivia and refusing to talk to her about anything that didn’t directly affect Jazzy, but it’s time to talk. “My dad told you?” I ask.

  “Yeah. It took some time, but I got the old man to spill the beans. He’s sweet. He admires you, ya know. You changed, turned over a new leaf, became the better man. He wants to be like you someday. I found his story real interesting, though, and I figured it couldn’t hurt to tell her. You two couldn’t have anything like that between you anyway. Am I right?”

  I thought I was too tired to feel angry anymore, but she’s bringing it back full force. “You knew exactly what you were doing.”

  Olivia sinks down onto the stool next to me. “I’m sorry I was immature before. I’m sorry I couldn’t see that we should be together. Just give me a chance. We had fun together.”

  “Liv, you were always holding out for something better.”

  “I’m not anymore. I was stupid. But Jazzy…” She shakes her head. “That kid is so awesome that I’d do anything to give her a good family.”

  “Including being with a man you don’t really love and living a life you don’t really want?”

  Her smile falls away. “I didn’t know the necklace was hers. I saw it in your drawer one day and borrowed it. I forgot I had it until I was looking for something to wear with my dress that night. I figured it was something of your mom’s or something. Did you steal it from her?”

  I shake my head. “No. Dad did. I tracked it down and emptied out my savings to buy it back for her. It belonged to her grandmother.”

  She cocks her head to the side and studies me. “Then why
was it in your drawer, Keegan?”

  “I meant to give it back a long time ago. I kept thinking that I’d get around to shipping it. But that’s the necklace she always said she couldn’t imagine getting married without. I think part of me didn’t want her to have it.”

  Her face falls and her words go soft. “Because you didn’t want her marrying someone other than you.”

  I meet her eyes. “Liv, I love her. She is the reason I’m worth a shit today. She’s the reason Dad and I aren’t still wandering around the country screwing one woman after another out of her money.”

  “Sounds exciting,” she says, propping her chin on her fists.

  “Don’t glamorize it. It’s not like the movies. It’s pathetic—seducing women, getting them to give me money for this or that fake problem. I might as well have been whoring myself out. At least that would have been more honest, but it was the life I knew. It felt normal. And then I fell in love with Emma, and it was like seeing the world in a whole new way. She made me believe in myself like I never had before.”

  “Is she the reason you never let me in?” she asks, a resigned sadness to her features now.

  “It wasn’t intentional. With other girls, I wasn’t interested in getting emotional. I didn’t want to fall in love—I’d been there, done that, and it fucking killed me. But once I knew you were pregnant, I wanted to let you in. I really did. I do love you, Liv, but the thing that was missing between us? I think Em already had it.”

  She swallows and rubs her bare arms. “I’m sorry if I screwed everything up.”

  “I wish she hadn’t found out like she did, but she needed to find out, and if she can’t forgive me, that’s just something I’m going to have to come to terms with.”

  “Well, if she never comes to her senses, maybe someday you and I—”

  I shake my head. “Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t settle for half my heart just because you’re scared you can’t do any better.”

  Her eyes fill with tears. “Keegan Keller, any girl would be lucky to have you and half your heart. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that.”

  * * *

  Emma

  “Are you about done yet?” Becky asks from behind me.

  I push myself up off the sand and wipe my sandy hands on my shorts. She’s been patient with me all week, and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. “Done with what?” I ask.

  “Punishing him for what he did? Are you done so you can quit punishing yourself?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.” I shake my head. “I’m not punishing myself.”

  She folds her arms and leans her shoulder into the jamb of the open sliding glass door. “You’re miserable. This can’t go on.”

  “I don’t know what to do. My relationship with Harry was so bad because it was entirely built on his ability to manipulate me to get what he wanted. And to find out that Keegan was the same?”

  “Your relationship with Harry was so bad because he’s a pedophile. He liked that he could control you,” she says. “Don’t do that to Keegan. He’s made mistakes, but he doesn’t deserve that. Don’t put your relationship with him in the same category.”

  “He just wanted money from me.”

  “Did he? Is that why he asked you to come to Indiana with him? Is that why he wanted you to leave behind the city where you could have made millions more if you’d been willing to keep acting?”

  I swallow hard. I know what she’s saying makes sense, but my pride is so damn battered I don’t want to hear it. “He played me.”

  “Five years ago,” she says. “And then you pushed him away and he had no idea that you had anything to do with sending him to college. Then, when you ran away from your wedding, he took you in without hesitating. He’s not Harry.”

  “I know he’s not. Of course he’s not.”

  “You know what the real problem is here, don’t you?”

  I fold my arms and shake my head. “I’m guessing you’re going to tell me.”

  “The real problem, sweet girl, is that you don’t believe that anyone could love you if there’s nothing in it for them. Your problem is that what Olivia told you confirmed what you already believed, and it was easier for you to hold on to that and run away than it was for you to accept that he truly loves you and you deserve to be happy.”

  “What about him? What if me being there means he doesn’t get to have the family he wants? I did find my way back to him,” I say, then I stop for a beat to marvel at that. Sometimes it seems like the world brings us back together with the people we need most. “But I ran away because I got scared that I’m not enough for him.”

  “Isn’t that his choice to make?”

  I still, realizing her words echo what I promised Bailey that night at the bar. I told her I still didn’t believe I was good enough for Keegan, but I was going to let him make that choice. But then Olivia’s words got in my head and I wondered if it was true, if maybe Keegan just felt guilty for the lies and was sacrificing more than he should to make it up to me.

  “What if he’s already back with Olivia?”

  She gives me a sad smile. “Then I guess you have your answer.”

  “He’s not with her,” a man says.

  Gasping, I spin around to see Keegan’s father approaching us on the beach.

  “He can’t be with Olivia when he’s in love with you.”

  Becky darts her gaze between us, and I put my hand on her arm. “It’s okay. He’s Keegan’s dad.”

  She draws in a breath. “Want me to stay?”

  I shake my head. “No. Let us talk.”

  “Call for me if you need me. I won’t be far.”

  Keegan’s dad watches her go, and when she reaches the stairs that lead back to the condo, he pulls a small thumb drive from his pocket. “This is for you.”

  I stare at it as he places it into my open palm. “What is it?”

  “It’s Harry Evans’s private collection of photos of you—plenty of evidence there to prove you two had a relationship ten years ago.” Pain sweeps over his face, and he squeezes his eyes shut for a beat before looking at me again. “I only regret that I can’t go back in time. I wouldn’t have let him bring you those flowers if I’d known what he would do. I thought you wanted him there. I believed…” He clenches his fists and his nostrils flare. “I don’t know if you want to do anything with it, but I hope you’ll take it to the police. I hope that son of a bitch will get the punishment he deserves.”

  “How did you…?”

  “I just had to get close enough to him to get to his laptop. After that, it wasn’t hard. I’m good at getting people to let me in.” He shrugs and shifts his gaze out to the water. “It’s how I got by for most of my life, but I’m not using my gifts for greed anymore. I need to prove it to my son, but that’s going to take some time.”

  I curl my fingers around the thumb drive. The girl I once was didn’t have the courage to tell anyone about Harry, and then I became a woman who didn’t have any evidence even if she wanted to tell. “Thank you.”

  When he turns back to me, there are tears in his eyes. “Don’t make Keegan pay for my mistakes. I should have raised him better. I should have cleaned up my act the second his mother walked away, but instead I saw an opportunity to use a kid to get ahead. But he’s good deep down, that one. I always knew it. He’s too good for the con and I was always afraid he’d end up hurt because of it. That’s why when I thought you were sneaking around with Harry, I assumed the worst.” He shakes his head and swallows thickly. “I failed you both.”

  “Does he know you’re here? That you’re giving me this?”

  “No. I was afraid he might tell me not to come, and I wanted the chance to apologize in person.” He drags a hand through his gray hair. “I wanted a chance to do what Keegan would do.”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Keegan

  “Can you fill the bucket with water for Daddy?” I ask Jazzy, handing her a tiny blue pail.

  Sh
e takes it from my hands and toddles toward the ocean, scooping up a couple of milliliters before shrieking when the cold water washes over her toes and she rushes back to me.

  Back in Seaside, the only thing I can do is put my head down and train hard for next season. Emma still hasn’t been in touch and that burns like hell, but I’m giving her the space she said she needed.

  “Dump it here,” I tell Jazzy, pointing to the moat we’ve scooped out around our sand castle. “There you go.”

  She plops onto her bottom and uses a shovel to dig a new hole. I press my hand against my chest as I watch her. I wouldn’t change any of it. Emma made me want to be a better man, but if she’d never left me, I wouldn’t have Jazzy. I have to believe this time will result in something incredible too.

  “Do you know what fish love is?”

  My head snaps up at the sound of Emma’s voice. She’s on the beach in front of my condo and walking toward me.

  This stretch of beach along the Gulf of Mexico is considered by many as the most beautiful beach in the world. The sand is soft and white, and the water displays colors of blue and green and everything in between.

  When I moved down here last year to train with the Gators, I couldn’t believe my luck. To get to live in such a beautiful place, to get to wake up and look at the ocean every day. But right now, the ocean isn’t the beauty that’s stolen my attention. Instead, I can’t get my eyes off Emma.

  She’s wearing a simple light pink sundress that moves in the wind, molding around her curves. Her red curls fly in the breeze of the ocean. She sighs and plops down onto the sand beside me, tucking her legs beneath her.

  “What’s fish love?” I ask, and my voice is shaking.

  “It’s some old parable. The man eats the fish and he says he loves the fish, but he only loves the fish because the fish tastes good and makes him feel good. He loves the fish because of what it can do for him.”