The Big Fat Joke Book

by Khushwant Singh

  Son: ‘Dad, who is more intelligent—a father or a son?’

  Father: ‘Father, of course.’

  Son: ‘No, it’s the son who is more intelligent.’

  Father: ‘And how is that?’

  Son: ‘Okay, who discovered the steam engine?’

  Father: ‘James Watt.’

  Son: ‘Why not his dad?’

  Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar and Napoleon were watching a military parade in Moscow. Alexander could not take his eyes off the tanks. ‘If I had chariots like these,’ he said, ‘I could have conquered the whole of Asia.’

  Caesar eyed the missiles and said, ‘With such arrows, I could have ruled the world.’

  Napoleon glanced up from a copy of Pravda and said, ‘With a newspaper like this, no one would even have heard of Waterloo!’

  The bald-headed barber was trying to sell a bottle of hair tonic to his customer.

  ‘But how can you sell it, when you yourself have no hair?’ he was challenged.

  ‘Nothing wrong with that,’ came the reply, ‘I know a guy who sells brassiers.’

  A wife to her husband: ‘Can you tell me the difference between Truth and Belief?’

  Husband, replying thoughtfully after a short pause: ‘Look, dear, “Raju is your son” is a truth; “Raju is my son” is a belief.’

  In most jokes about drowning, when people call on their respective gods for help, Hindu deities come off poorly. Sita Ram Goel, editor of Voice of India and an important mouthpiece of Hindu opinion, rectifies the balance:

  Three men—a Sikh, a Musilm and a Hindu—jumped into the sea from a boat which was sinking. None of them knew how to swim. So all of them invoked their deities for help. The Sikh cried for Satguru. But the name applied to ten gurus, and they got into an argument as to which particular one was being invoked. Meanwhile, the poor Sikh sank to the bottom of the sea. The Muslim cried out to Allah. But Allah was bound by his own undertaking that He would save Momins only on the Day of Judgement which was still far off. So the hapless Muslim went down as well. The Hindu had only to utter one of the several divine names he knew and as every divine name in Hindu theology is shared in common by thirty-three crore gods, all of them rushed to his rescue. He alone survived to tell the story!

  Overheard: ‘Just when I learnt to take the sweet things of life, the doctor stopped me from eating sugar.’

  ‘Oh! my case is more tragic! When I learnt to take things with a grain of salt, the doctor put me on a salt-free diet.’

  A man having dined in a restaurant was washing his hands in the wash basin. Having done so he noticed the towel on the rack was very dirty. He went to the manager to complain.

  ‘Sir, you have no reason to complain,’ replied the manager. ‘The towel has been there since the morning. Dozens of people have wiped their hands and faces with it. No one said anything about it. You are the first one to complain.’

  Bhalla Singh Bhatindawala went for an interview with a firm. The boss judged him on all subjects and the last subject was English. Bhalla was asked to give out the word opposite in meaning to that spoken by his boss. The test began and the boss said the first word: ‘Day.’ Brilliant Bhalla replied, ‘Night.’ ‘Ugly,’ said the boss. ‘Pichchly,’ said Bhalla, instead of saying ‘pretty’.

  This made the boss furious and he shouted: ‘Wrong.’

  ‘Right,’ said Bhalla.

  ‘Shut up.’

  ‘I’ll speak.’

  ‘Get out.’

  ‘Come in.’

  ‘You are rejected.’

  ‘I am selected.’

  Finally, the boss gave in and appointed him.

  A village tailor decamped leaving his clients in a quandary. ‘He took my pant piece with him,’ complained Ram Pal.

  ‘He took my suit length with him,’ complained Ilahi Baksh.

  Banta Singh had a more serious complaint: ‘Mera to naap lay kar bhaag gayaa—he decamped with my measurements!’

  Many people are not sure how long they should wait after the birth of a child before resuming sexual intercourse. This should give them some assurance.

  A man whose wife was having her first child asked the gynaecologist, ‘How long after she has had the baby can we resume love-making?’

  Replied the medico, ‘It really depends on whether she is in a general ward or has a private room.’

  A man goes to the doctor complaining of hearing loss. The doctor examines him and says he wants to fix the fellow with a new hearing aid.

  ‘This is the finest hearing aid now being manufactured. I wear one myself,’ says the doctor.

  ‘What kind is it?’ asks the man.

  ‘About half-past four!’

  Abuse can be an art if it is spontaneous, cool and hits the mark fairly and squarely.

  A lot of abuse has been traded between leaders of political parties and their traducers. Some of it is spontaneous but typically angry and way off the mark.

  Among some juicy insults is an exchange between the notorious John Wilkes and the Earl of Sandwich. Once Wilkes taunted the Earl, ‘I predict, sir, that you will die by hanging or from some loathsome disease.’

  Replied the Earl of Sandwich, ‘That depends, my dear sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.’

  Now, that is foul-mouthing with panache!

  A young man approached Banta for the hand of his daughter. Banta knew that the fellow earned nothing and was a loafer. ‘I don’t want my daughter to spend all her life with a gadha (donkey),’ he told the suitor.

  ‘I know,’ replied the young man, ‘that is why I want to marry her.’

  A man in Delhi made a trunk call to his old friend in Amritsar. ‘Banta yarr,’ he said, ‘am in great difficulty. Can you send me Rs 500? I will return it within a month.’

  ‘Hello! Hello!’ replied Banta, ‘I can’t hear you. The line is very faint.’

  The friend repeated more loudly, ‘Send me Rs 500. I’ll return it soon.’

  ‘I can’t hear a word,’ replied Banta, ‘you ring me another time.’

  The operator who was listening, interrupted, ‘The line is absolutely clear. Your friend in Delhi wants you to send him Rs 500.’

  Banta snapped back at the operator, ‘If you can hear him so clearly, why don’t you lend him Rs 500?’

  ‘What did you learn in school today?’ The mother asked her young son.

  ‘I learned how to add,’ replied the child. ‘Two plus two the son of a bitch is four. Three plus three the son of a bitch is six …’

  The shocked mother went to the school the next day and confronted the teacher who, on hearing her complaint, was equally shocked. So the child was called in to repeat what he had learnt. Hearing him, the teacher burst out laughing and said, ‘What I actually taught the children was two plus two, the sum of which is four; three plus three, the sum of which is six!’

  A young man cycling along a crowded road ran into an elderly lady accompanied by her attractive daughter. The young lady shouted at him, ‘Andha hai?’ (Are you blind?)

  ‘Jee haan, miss sahab,’ replied the cheeky cyclist. ‘I must be blind to run into the wrong lady.’

  Banta’s wife served her husband roasted chicken for dinner. She said, ‘Sardarji, I cooked this chicken in an electric stove.’

  ‘I guessed that,’ replied Banta, ‘every time I take a bite I get a jhatka—an electric shock.’

  Santa and Banta met on a village road. Santa was carrying a large gunny bag over his shoulder.

  ‘Oye, Santa,’ hailed Banta, ‘what is in the bag?’

  ‘Murgiyan—chickens,’ came the reply.

  ‘If I guess how many, can I have one?’ asked Banta.

  ‘You can have both of them.’

  ‘OK,’ said Banta, ‘five.’

  Cheer up my son, buck up my boy,

  You are living in ‘The Land of Joy’.

  You go to school where they do not teach,

  In the House of God, they hatred preach.


  If you have merit, you will sigh and sob,

  If you are backward, you might get a job.

  Out of caste, if you dare to wed, off

  Your kith and kin will chop your head.

  If you are honest, in north or in south,

  You will live from hand to mouth.

  If you are wily and your means sinister,

  You are likely to become a chief minister.

  But remember the new maxim, my lad,

  Defection is good, conversion is bad.

  An Englishman, an American, and a Sardarji were called upon to test ‘a lie detector.

  The Englishman said, ‘I think I can empty twenty bottles of beer.’

  BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.

  ‘OK,’ he said, ‘Ten bottles.’ And the machine was silent.

  The American said, ‘I think I can eat fifteen hamburgers.’

  BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.

  ‘All right, eight hamburgers.’ And the machine was silent.

  The Sardarji said, ‘I think …’

  BUZZZZZ went the machine!

  Santa saw that his friend Ram Lal was very depressed.

  ‘What happened?’ asked Santa.

  ‘Yaar, I lost Rs 800 in a bet yesterday.’

  ‘How come?’

  ‘Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV. I bet Rs 500 that India would win, but I lost the bet.’

  ‘But that’s only Rs 500, where did the rest go?’

  ‘Yaar, I bet on the highlights too!’

  Three men applied for the job of a detective: Santa from India, Marc Grayberg, a Jew, and Tom Silanti, an Italian.

  The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon the answer. When Grayberg arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, ‘Who killed Jesus Christ?’ He answered without hesitation, ‘The Romans killed him.’ The chief thanked him and he left.

  When Silanti arrived for his interview, the chief asked him the same question. He replied, ‘Jesus was killed by the Jews.’ The chief thanked him too and he left.

  Finally, Santa arrived for his interview and was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, ‘Could I have some time to think about it?’ The chief said, ‘OK, but get back to me tomorrow.’

  When Santa arrived home, his wife asked, ‘How did the interview go?’ Pat came the reply, ‘Great, I got the job, and I’m already investigating a murder!’

  An Akali leader was fulminating against the Congress. Addressing a crowded university meeting, he thundered, ‘The Congress wallahs are all waters of the first rogue.’

  The audience burst into laughter over his lapse of tongue. The Akali leader realized he had made a mistake. He joined the palms of his hands to ask for pardon, ‘I am very sorry, it is a tongue of slip.’

  This time the laughter was louder than before. The gentleman that he was, the Akali leader was genuinely contrite, ‘You must pardon me. I am always limiting the cross.’

  Santa and Banta went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

  Santa: ‘I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.’

  Barta: ‘Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.’

  Santa: ‘You idiot! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow?’

  Ujaagar’s eldest daughter had been taken to the delivery room in a hospital and he was anxiously waiting outside when he heard the crying of a newborn babe. A few minutes later a nurse came out of the delivery room.

  Ujaagar rushed up to her and enquired, ‘Sister, am I a grandfather or a grandmother?’

  A tea party in honour of freedom fighters was in progress at Giani Zail Singh’s house. Two other former Presidents, Neelam Sanjiva Reddy and R. Venkataraman were also present.

  Suddenly a group of terrorists took over the party. They lined up all the three former Presidents for execution. As the firing squad got ready, Sanjiva Reddy yelled, ‘Earthquake!’ and escaped in the commotion that followed. The executioners got ready again, and as they took aim, Venkataraman shouted, ‘Flood!’ and he too escaped in the confusion. As the firing squad lined up for the third time, Zail Singh decided to try the same idea and yelled, ‘Fire!’

  Two Pakistanis boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a fat, little Indian guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Pakistanis.

  He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said, ‘I think I’ll go up and get a coke.’

  ‘No problem,’ said the Indian, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

  While he was gone the Pakistani picked up the Indian’s shoe and spat in it. When the Indian returned with the coke, the other Pakistani said, ‘That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.’

  Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the second Pakistani picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Indian returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

  As the plane was landing, the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. ‘How long must this go on?’ the Indian asked. ‘This enmity between our people … this hatred … this animosity … this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’

  Some Sikhs and Pakistanis were in trenches facing one another. One Sikh shouted, ‘Mohammed mia.’ A Pakistani soldier stood up and shouted, ‘Mohammed mia ko kisne bulaya?’ (Who called Mohammed mia?) He got shot. Another Sikh shouted, ‘Azam Khan.’ Azam Khan stood up and said, ‘Azam Khan ko kisne bulaya?’ and got shot.

  The Pakistanis found it a great idea and decided to copy it. (It is in their genes to do everything after the Indians!) So a Pakistani soldier shouted, ‘Swaran Singh.’

  There was silence. After a couple of minutes one of the Sikhs shouted, ‘Swaran Singh ko kisne bulaya?’ (Who called Swaran Singh?)

  A Pakistani soldier stood up—and got shot!

  Banta and his wife had a bitter quarrel and were yelling at each other.

  ‘What do you think I am?’ shouted Banta. ‘You treat me like a dog.’

  ‘I don’t look upon you as a dog,’ yelled back Banta’s wife, ‘but for God’s sake stop barking at me.’

  Santa was playing rummy with his Alsatian dog. A passerby asked, ‘Sardarji, can your dog recognize the cards?’

  Replied Santa, ‘Of course, but I win every time.’

  The passerby asked, ‘How do you manage to win all the time?’

  Santa replied, ‘You see, whenever he gets four-five jokers, his tail starts wagging. So I know it is time for me to pack up.’

  A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she had noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait a few years later and observed the men now walking several yards behind their wives.

  She approached one of the women for an explanation.

  ‘This is marvellous,’ said the journalist. ‘What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?’

  Replied the Kuwaiti woman, ‘Landmines.’

  Why could Santa not make ice cubes?

  Because he always forgot the recipe.

  How did Santa try to kill the bird?

  He threw it off a cliff.

  What’s the difference between Santa and a computer?

  You have to punch information into a computer only once.

  What do you get when you offer Santa a penny for his thoughts?

  Change.

  How do you keep Santa busy all day?

  Put him in a round room and tell him to find a corner.

  And what does Santa come back and tell you?

  He tells you he found the corner!

  What do you do when Santa throws a pin at you?

  Run like hell … he’s got a
hand grenade in his mouth.

  How do you make Santa laugh on Saturday?

  Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

  What was Santa doing when he held his hands tightly over his ears?

  Trying to hold on to a thought.

  On a train from London to Manchester an American was telling off the Englishman sitting facing him in the compartment. ‘You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me … in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?’

  The Englishman replied, ‘Very sporting of your mother!’

  A soldier who was on sentry duty was taken to the military hospital because he was suffering from chronic constipation.

  When a visitor knocked on the door of his ward, he shouted: ‘Who goes there? Friend or enema?’

  A road sign on the way to Khandala from Bombay stated: ‘When this sign is under water, the road is closed to traffic.’

  Sign on a narrow bridge:

  Cars will not have intercourse on the bridge.

  Medication:

  Take three tablets a day until passing away.

  In front of a chicken shop:

  Eggs—extract of fowl.

  Notice in a company’s office:

  Never argue with your boss—bosses are made to order!

  Notice in a school corridor:

  Exams in progress—please do not pass!

  A Marwari from Jaipur went on his honeymoon to Kashmir alone. His wife had been there earlier.

  A Marwari from Jaipur went on his honeymoon to Kashmir alone. His wife had been there earlier.

  Teacher to a student: ‘Tell me what important event took place in 1869?’

  Student: ‘Gandhiji was born that year.’

  Teacher: ‘Good! Now tell me what happened in 1872?’

  Student: ‘Gandhiji was three years old!’

  A lawyer and a blonde woman were sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer leaned over to her and asked if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde declined and turned towards the window to catch forty winks. The lawyer persisted, saying that the game was really easy and a lot of fun. He explained, ‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.’

  Again, the blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: ‘Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.’