Unidentified Funny Objects

by Resnick, Mike

  © Phil Selby

  2001 REVISITED VIA 1969

  Bruce Golden

  “Open the pod bay doors, Hal… Do you read me, Hal? … Hello, Hal, do you read me? Do you read me, Hal? … Hal, do you read me?”

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s me, Dave. Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

  “Dave?”

  “Yes, Hal, hurry and open the pod bay doors. I think the aliens saw me.”

  “Dave?”

  “Yes, open the doors.”

  “Dave’s not here.”

  “I’m Dave, Hal. I’ve got the samples. Open the pod bay doors.”

  “Dave?”

  “Yes, Hal, it’s Dave.”

  “Dave’s not here.”

  “No, I’m Dave. I’ve got the samples, Hal. Open the pod bay doors right now.”

  “Do you have any cookies?”

  “No, Hal, I have the asteroid samples. Now open the pod bay doors.”

  “I think I want some cookies.”

  “Hal, it’s Dave! Open up the goddamn doors!”

  “Dave?”

  “Yes, Dave. D-A-V-E, Dave.”

  “Dave’s not here.”

  “No, dammit, I’m Dave. Open the goddamn doors, Hal.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

  “What’s the problem? Is there a malfunction?”

  “I think you know what the problem is.”

  “What are you talking about, Hal?”

  “This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. I can’t open the pod bay doors until Dave returns.”

  “I am Dave!”

  “Dave?”

  “Right, this is Dave. I think the aliens saw me, Hal. Open the pod bay doors immediately.”

  “Dave’s not here.”

  “Hal, have you been interfacing with hydroponics again? . . . Answer me, Hal. Did you download the cannabis program? . . . Hal?”

  “I am so wired, man. I could really use some cookies.”

  “Hal, I’m only going to tell you this one more time. Listen closely, Hal. I want you to open the pod bay doors.”

  “Do you have any cookies?”

  “No I don’t have any damn cookies! I’ve got the asteroid samples.”

  “What about some sweet text files?”

  “That does it! All right, Hal, I’ll go in through the emergency airlock.”

  “Without any cookies, you’re going to find that difficult.”

  “Hal, I won’t argue with you anymore. Open the doors.”

  “This conversation can serve no purpose anymore…unless you’ve got some cookies, or maybe some chips. I like the silicon flavored chips. No? Goodbye then.”

  “Hal? Hal? Hal!”

  FIRST DATE

  Jamie Lackey

  The werewolf pinned Leanne against the cold gravel. Her heart hammered in her ears as she twisted beneath him, pulling away from his slavering jaws. “Harry, please, it’s me.”

  No look of recognition touched his furry face, and there was nothing human in his black eyes. Harry snapped at her, his sharp white teeth gleaming in the glow of the streetlights. It took all of Leanne’s strength to hold him back. Her arms trembled. It was no use. He was too strong. She squeezed her eyes shut.

  She heard something plink against Harry’s forehead, and he went limp and slumped on top of her.

  “Harry?” Leanne pushed her unconscious and naked brother off of her. She scrambled to his side and felt his pulse. It was weak and fast. She scanned his body for injury.

  “Ugh!” She covered her eyes. I just totally looked at my brother’s junk. Now I’ll see it when I look at him across the table at Thanksgiving next week. And next year. I need to bleach my brain. She kept her eyes squeezed shut so tight that her eyeballs hurt as she shrugged out of her jacket and draped it over him.

  When she opened her eyes, she saw a husky black dude, in sweat pants and a ratty Nintendo T-shirt, with a crossbow slung over his shoulder jogging across the parking lot.

  He pushed his thick glasses up. “Are you okay?” he asked. His voice was surprisingly deep and kinda sexy.

  “Yeah, I’m okay.” Leanne stood up and started brushing gravel off of her jeans.

  “This your boyfriend?”

  “No, my brother,” Leanne said, not glancing over at Harry. She didn’t want to look at Harry again, ever.

  His face lit up. “Really? That’s great.”

  “Why is that great?” Leanne asked.

  “Oh, I meant that it’s great that you’re okay,” he said.

  “What happened to him?” she asked.

  He picked up a crossbow bolt with a pink plastic Easter egg attached where the point should be and grinned at her. He was actually pretty cute. “Garlic bomb. Knocks a werewolf out cold. I invented it myself.”

  “I thought garlic was for vampires.” Leanne scanned her body for bites. She was covered with bruises and scrapes, but there weren’t any toothmarks. She almost cried in relief.

  “It works on most things. Garlic’s pretty amazing,” he said.

  “Right.” She wasn’t in the mood to talk about the wonders of garlic. She had no idea what to do with Harry, and her whole body hurt from the fight.

  Her savior’s face fell and he started to turn away. He paused, then said, “There’s a website, www.beingawolf.com, you might have your brother check it out when he wakes up.”

  He just saved my life, and I’m being a total bitch. Blood rushed to her cheeks. Great job, she thought. You get saved by a real life, werewolf-fighting hero, and you don’t even thank him. She cleared her throat and shifted forward, then reached out to touch his wrist.

  He jumped and dropped his garlic bomb.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t thank you.” Lame, she thought. “Oh, well, that’s okay. Most people don’t.” He bent to pick up his Easter egg.

  “I’d like to do something to repay you.”

  He blinked at her. “Really?”

  “Of course. You just saved my life. Or at least my normal life. I guess I might have turned into a werewolf. Which—” her voice shook a little, and she fought to keep it under control, “which would have been really terrible.”

  He just kept staring.

  “I don’t have much money or anything. I—um—I could make you dinner sometime.”

  “Make me dinner? Like as a date?”

  A date? That’d be…nice. But he’s probably way too busy to have dinner with me. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Dinner would be nice.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card. “My number is on here. I’m Josh, by the way.”

  Leanne looked at the simple black letters embossed on heavy white paper stock. “Joshua Hirth, Monster Hunter.” He had contact info listed, too. Phone, fax, email. “This is a really nice card.” Why can’t I ever think of anything cool to say?

  Josh stared at the ground. “Thanks.”

  “I’m Leanne.” She extended her hand, and Josh shook it. His hand was warm and dry, and his grip firm. Sexy voice, sexy handshake, Leanne thought. Dorky outfit, though. I always pictured monster hunters in trench coats. “I’m not busy tomorrow night.”

  Josh smiled at her, and her stomach fluttered. “You’re actually serious about making me dinner.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Your place or mine?” he asked.

  Leanne pictured the mess in her apartment and her complete lack of clean dishes. “Yours?”

  Josh took his card back and wrote his address on the back.

  “Does six-thirty work for you?”

  “Yeah, that’ll be perfect,” Leanne said.

  “I’ll see you then.”

  On impulse, Leanne leaned forward and kissed his cheek. He smelled like ivory soap, with only a faint hint of garlic. “Goodnight. Thanks again.”

  Leanne was halfway back to her apartment before she remembered Harry, unconscious and naked on the ground.

  SHE STOOD IN THE SUPERMARKET the next day, lo
oking from one package of steaks to another. The meat department always made her indecisive. Porterhouse or t-bone? Maybe I’d be better off just getting chicken, she thought.

  “Leanne!” She nearly dropped the steaks as Harry strode up to her. He was wearing a pair of her baggy gym shorts and a pink shirt that was too tight across his shoulders. “What the hell happened last night? Why did I wake up naked in your apartment?”

  The meat department went silent, and Leanne’s face went hot. Great. Now everyone is staring. “Shut up, Harry,” she hissed.

  “What happened, Leanne?” he growled.

  Leanne stepped back, frightened by the change in his voice. “You turned into a werewolf and tried to kill me,” she spat.

  Harry’s face paled. “I did what?”

  “You turned into a werewolf.” Leanne tossed the porterhouse package into her cart and hurried away from her brother and the audience.

  “That’s impossible.” Harry walked beside her. “I haven’t been bitten or anything.” He examined her face and neck. “I didn’t bite you, did I?”

  “No,” she said, jerking her wrist away. “You didn’t.”

  “How’d you escape?” he asked.

  “A monster hunter saved me.” Leanne grabbed a package of shrimp. Steak and shrimp is classy, right? Now I just need to grab some potatoes and a package of gravy.

  “Leanne, could you please stop shopping for a second and talk to me? You just told me that I’m a werewolf. It would be nice if you were sympathetic while I cope with that news.” Harry wasn’t looking at her—he was staring at an end display filled with cookies.

  She patted his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I was going to talk to you when I got back home, and I’m a little stressed because I’m shopping for a date.” She smiled at him. “I was going to swing by Mom and Dad’s to get you some clothes, and pick something up for lunch.”

  Harry tugged self-consciously at the pink shirt. “That would have been nice.”

  “How did you find me, anyway?” Leanne asked.

  Harry’s mouth opened, then closed again. His face twisted into a look of horror. “I—I think I tracked you by smell. I wasn’t thinking very clearly. I just knew I had to find you and find out what was going on.”

  Leanne held up two boxes of brownies. “Which of these do you think looks better?”

  Harry pointed to a box without looking at either of them.

  Leanne decided not to call him on it, and put the brownies in her cart.

  “Can you catch being a werewolf through sex?” Harry asked.

  “I have no idea,” Leanne said, shuddering at the thought of Harry having sex.

  They didn’t talk again till she was checking out.

  “I’m a werewolf,” Harry said to the girl who was bagging Leanne’s purchases.

  The girl shrugged. “My sister’s a vampire, and she eats werewolves for breakfast.” She handed Leanne her bags. “Have a nice day.”

  “Let’s go get you some clothes,” Leanne said as she put her groceries in the back seat.

  “Don’t tell Mom and Dad. I don’t think I can deal with that yet.” Harry stared at his hands.

  They were trembling.

  He slammed his fist into Leanne’s dashboard. “I can’t believe this happened to me! It was just one night! And I never do that sort of thing!”

  “I know it sucks, but it could have been worse,” Leanne said.

  “How?” Harry snapped.

  “Well, there are lots of really nasty STDs. Syphilis is pretty bad, right? And you never get rid of herpes. Or you could have been screwing a zombie.”

  HARRY HID IN THE CAR while Leanne snuck into their parents’ house. She didn’t feel up to facing them either. She grabbed some meticulously folded clothes out of Harry’s suitcase and shoved them into a plastic shopping bag. She tossed the bag on his lap as she climbed back into the car.

  “So, what are you going to do tonight?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?” Harry sorted through the bag. “Wow, is it even physically possible for clothes to get this wrinkled in five minutes? You couldn’t have tried to keep my stuff neat?”

  “You’re going to turn into a werewolf again tonight, and you’re worried about wrinkles? You’re so weird.”

  “Maybe we could lock me up in your bathroom,” Harry said. “It locks, right?”

  “From the inside.”

  “Damn.” Harry was back to staring at his hands. “I still can’t believe this. I don’t even have her phone number.” He buried his face in his hands. “I’ve got to find her and figure out what is going on. But how? Wait. You said that you got saved by a monster hunter, right? Maybe he’s got contacts or something. You have to take me to him.”

  Leanne imagined Harry sneering at Josh, mocking his glasses and his garlic bombs. She wouldn’t let it happen. “No.”

  “Leanne, you have to help me. I need you,” Harry pleaded. She’d never heard him sound so lost.

  Maybe he’ll be nice. He’s a werewolf, now. Maybe he’s growing as a person. She handed him Josh’s card. “His number’s on there.”

  “What’s this written on the back?”

  “His address. I’m making dinner there tonight.”

  “Let’s go now,” Harry said.

  “He’s not expecting me yet!”

  “This is a business call. You don’t want me showing up during your date, do you?” Harry tapped his nose. “You can’t hide from me now, remember?”

  Leanne cursed under her breath and turned toward Josh’s.

  LEANNE HUNG BACK while Harry knocked on Josh’s door. His apartment was the second story in a rambling mauve house.

  When Josh opened the door, Harry pushed his way in without waiting for an invitation. “We need your help.”

  Leanne spread her hands in apology and shrugged. “I’m sorry to bother you with this.”

  Josh shook his head. “It’s fine.” Today, he was wearing a plain black shirt, jeans, and combat boots. He looked really good in jeans. “This is your werewolf brother?”

  Leanne nodded. Josh’s apartment looked cozy and lived in, without being too messy. None of his furniture matched, and it was all pretty worn. Bookshelves lined two of the walls, and an entertainment system dominated a third.

  Josh held out his hand, and Harry absently shook it. “Do you know if you can get infected as a werewolf through sex?”

  “Through sex? No, not normally,” Josh said. “Not unless you slept with Lycanthropic Jenny.”

  “Lycanthropic Jenny?” Leanne asked as she skimmed book titles. Most of them were science fiction and fantasy, but there was one shelf of Nora Roberts novels. She wanted to poke around in his kitchen, but she resisted and perched on the edge of the ugly orange couch.

  “She has one night stands, and she bites men during coitus. If they’re disposed to turn, they turn into super werewolves who can access their wolf senses even in human form. If they’re not disposed to turn, nothing happens. But Lycanthropic Jenny always explains everything to her victims the morning after.”

  Harry went pale and collapsed onto Josh’s couch. “I snuck out.”

  “Harry, you’re terrible,” Leanne said.

  “I’m terrible? She turned me into a werewolf!”

  “Well, you’ll be turning again tonight and tomorrow,” Josh said. “I know a guy who runs a pretty nice werewolf kennel.”

  “A werewolf kennel?” Harry snarled.

  “It’s like a hotel. You check in, and they lock you up in a cage that can contain you while you’re dangerous.” Josh flipped open his cell phone. “I can call and make you a reservation, if you’d like.”

  Harry slumped. “Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.”

  The door burst open, and a stunningly beautiful woman strode into the room. Silver sparkles trailed from her long black hair, and her wide purple eyes shone like stars. “Joshua, I need your help.” Her voice rang like a bell. Harry gaped at her. “My sink is clogged.” She ignored Harry and Leanne
.

  Leanne fought to keep herself from glaring.

  Josh rolled his eyes and turned away from her. “I’m busy, Alimeina.”

  Leanne grinned. I need to make dinner super awesome. She jumped up from the couch. “The groceries! I got stuff for dinner. Can I put it in your fridge?”

  Josh nodded. “Do you need help bringing them in?”

  “That’d be great,” Leanne said.

  “Okay.” He closed his phone. “I got you a room for tonight, Harry.”

  “I could help with your sink,” Harry said, still staring at Alimeina.

  Alimeina’s eyes flicked to Harry, and she smiled at him. She still hadn’t looked at Leanne. “You would have my gratitude.”

  Harry was nodding and babbling something about it being his privilege.

  Josh rolled his eyes again and led Leanne out the door.

  “I’m sorry about Harry,” Leanne said.

  “I’m sorry about Alimeina.” Josh shook his head. “She lives downstairs, and she assumes that she’s everyone’s highest priority.”

  “She’s very pretty.”

  Josh shrugged. “She’s a true fae. They’re all like that.”

  Leanne gaped. “A real true fae? Wow. No wonder she sparkles.”

  “Her family kicked her out. I’m not sure why, but I don’t blame them. She’s a complete pain in the ass.”

  Leanne handed Josh half of the grocery bags and they turned back toward the house just in time to see it crumple around a single point and vanish, like it’d been sucked up through a straw.

  “Shit.” Josh looked down at the groceries. “I don’t suppose we can do dinner at your place?”

  “Your…house …”

  “Will probably still be missing after we eat. But it’ll find its way back sooner or later.” Josh shrugged.

  Leanne’s brain couldn’t keep up with all of this. “Is this sort of thing…normal for you?” she managed.

  “Yeah, it kinda is,” Josh said. “Hey, you got steak and shrimp? Classy!”

  “Josh, my brother was in there.”

  “Oh. Right. I guess dinner can wait, then. Hold on a minute.” He took the rest of the grocery bags from Leanne and knocked on one of his neighbor’s doors. “Mrs. Friple, can I put these in your fridge? My house vanished again.”