Unidentified Funny Objects

by Resnick, Mike

  “How are we getting there?” she asked, starting to unbutton her suit coat, which she wore over her vest, which she wore over her blouse, which she wore over her slip, which she wore…but you get the idea.

  “We’re flying, all thanks to Leonardo,” he said, staring at some complex formulae on his blackboard while she changed.

  “Leonardo?” she repeated, staring at facsimiles of some of the Italian’s notebooks on a shelf. “Have you actually found a way to turn us into winged creatures who can ride the warm thermals?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “Leonardo da Vinci’s organic airplanes,” she said.

  “No,” answered Einstein. “I’m talking about my friend Leonardo Schwartz. He has a private plane, and will be flying us there.”

  He continued staring at the blackboard for another five minutes.

  “How’s it coming, Big El?” he asked.

  “I feel…what’s the right word?…flimsy,” she said uncomfortably. “You can turn around and look now, Little Al. But no whistling or catcalling—and especially no giggling,” she added threateningly.

  He turned and looked at the warrior princess. “I think I can resist the urge to whistle,” he said earnestly.

  “I wear more than this when I go to the beach,” she complained. “Much more.”

  “It’ll give you enormous freedom of movement when you take on the horrendous horde.”

  “How can you be sure there is a horrendous horde?” she said. “How do I know this wasn’t all just a ruse so you could see me like this?”

  “It came to me as I lay in bed last night,” answered Einstein.

  “A vision?”

  “No, a ten-foot-high Aryan in a leather skirt,” said Einstein. “I was hoping for a woman,” he admitted. “Anyway, he suddenly appeared, said ‘So you’re what we have to destroy,’ laughed his head off, and vanished.”

  “All right,” said Eleanor heatedly. “It’s time we taught the so-called Master Race a lesson.”

  “Fine. We’ll drive to the private airport down the road and be on our way. I’ll get the car.”

  She made him turn out all the lights and back up to the door so no neighbors or passersby could see her, and ten minutes later they were pulling up to Leonardo Schwartz’s plane.

  Einstein got out and opened the door for Eleanor. It took her a moment to work up her courage, but finally she stepped out of the car, enchanted sword in hand, and walked to the steps leading up to the plane.

  “Who’s your friend?” asked Schwartz. “My God, she’s gorgeous!”

  I didn’t realize it was that dark a night, thought Eleanor.

  “She is, isn’t she?” agreed Einstein admiringly, holding out his hand to her. “Leo, say hello to Big El.”

  Schwartz took her hand and kissed it, then climbed into the cockpit.

  “What are you staring at?” Eleanor demanded as Einstein kept smiling at her.

  “More than your sword is enchanted,” he said. “So is your outfit.”

  “My outfit?” she repeated, frowning.

  “It was made for a gorgeous warrior princess, so that’s what it’s turned you into.”

  She looked down at herself, then smiled happily. “Thirty-five pounds, hell!” she exclaimed. “I’ve lost fifty if I’ve lost an ounce!”

  She took the extra veil off her shoulder and handed it to him. “Here. I won’t need this anymore.”

  Schwartz started the engines, while Einstein and Eleanor strapped themselves in.

  “Thirteen of them, you say?” said Eleanor.

  “That’s right.”

  “Ten feet tall?”

  “At least.”

  “Foul-tempered?”

  “Worse. And spoiling for a fight.”

  The most beautiful warrior princess in America leaned back and smiled. “I can hardly wait,” she said.

  HIMMLER COOLED HIS HEELS in Hitler’s outer office for almost half an hour, and then was escorted inside.

  “Ah, Reichsführer!” said Hitler. “How good to see you again!”

  “You just saw me three hours ago, mein Führer.”

  Hitler glared at him. “I do not like to be disagreed with,” he said softly. “Except by Eva. Mein Gott, does that woman have a temper! You’d think anyone who could use a rolling pin like that would know how to cook!” The Führer shuddered, then sat down. “So tell me about these supermen of yours.”

  “I told you this morning, mein Führer,” said Himmler.

  “Do you know how many cities I’ve ordered destroyed since then?” snapped Hitler. “How many men I’ve had terminated? How many cigarettes I’ve smoked—and Turkish ones at that! Humor a busy man and tell me again!”

  “There are thirteen of them,” said Himmler. “Each stands more than ten feel tall, and each makes the vaunted Charles Atlas look like a ninety-eight-pound weakling.”

  “Charles Atlas?” repeated the Führer, clearly impressed. “Isn’t he the one who’s in all those ads on the backs of, well… certain illustrated magazines, shall we say?”

  “Comic books, yes sir,” said Himmler. “Anyway, these thirteen perfect Aryan warriors are without peer.”

  “From what I hear they are also without clothes,” said Hitler. “How can I send them to the Russian front?”

  “I didn’t summon them from the depths of hell to fight the Russians, mein Führer,” said Himmler. “They are here to ward off the attacks of the turncoat sorcerer Einstein.”

  “Don’t mention that name to my face!” yelled Hitler.

  “I apologize, mein Führer,” said Himmler quickly.

  Hitler swiveled his chair until he was facing out a window, with his back to Himmler. “Now you can talk about him, Reichsführer.”

  “Yes, sir. Word has reached us from our spies in the White House that Einstein is about to unleash Mrs. Roosevelt upon us…and you know the success the President has had unleashing her on his other enemies.”

  “You were quite right to call them forth, Reichsführer,” said Hitler. “Where will they meet her in battle?”

  “We have no idea where she is at the moment,” answered Himmler. “So I have concluded that the best course of action is to booby-trap Gestapo headquarters and wait for her there, since sooner or later she and Einstein”—Hitler whimpered at the mention of the name—“will come to Berlin and seek out my Aryan supermen.”

  “Maybe you should leave ten or twelve of them right here to protect me,” suggested Hitler.

  “They don’t want you, sir.”

  “I beg your pardon!” screamed Hitler, spinning around in his chair to face Himmler.

  “It’s personal, sir,” said Himmler.

  “Explain!”

  “I found an error in his Special Theory of Relativity and presented it in a speech to the Sorcerers’ Society, right after their annual softball game.”

  “The greatest sorcerers in the world play softball?” asked Hitler, surprised.

  “Well, usually the ball turns into a screeching Canadian goose on its way to the plate, and the bases grow legs and run off to Bismark, North Dakota, and—”

  “I get the picture,” interrupted the Führer. “Continue.”

  “Anyway, I proved that D does not equal MC squared, and he has never forgiven me for that,” said Himmler. “He and Mrs. Roosevelt are after me, sir, and they know they’ll have to fight their way through my supermen to reach me.”

  “Have these superman all been trained in the use of the latest modern weapons?”

  “They don’t need them,” answered Himmler. “They are masters of fisticuffs, wrestling, karate, kung fu, penjak, and the off-putting snide remark. Furthermore, they assure me they are invulnerable, that no bullet can pierce their proud Aryan skin.”

  “You don’t say,” said Hitler.

  “I just did say, mein Führer.”

  “Maybe we should put it to the test. I haven’t shot anyone since breakfast.”

  “I thought I saw them carrying the
bullet-riddled body of the Postmaster General out of here while I was waiting to see you, sir,” said Himmler.

  “He was only five feet three inches tall,” said Hitler with a shrug. “He hardly counts.”

  “All right, mein Führer,” said Himmler, clicking his heels together and snapping off a salute. “I’ll bring them all to your office.”

  “Just a minute,” said Hitler.

  “Sir?”

  “What are their names, so I will know how to address them?”

  “There are twelve Heinrichs and an Adolf, sir.”

  “But no Einsteins?”

  “No, sir.”

  “All right,” said Hitler, opening his drawer and pulling out a tommygun. “Leave the Adolf behind. I certainly wouldn’t want to hurt him.”

  “They are all invulnerable,” Himmler assured him.

  “We shall see.”

  “I’ll have them here in ten minutes, mein Führer.”

  “You’re sure there are no Einsteins?”

  “I’m sure.”

  “All right. Let’s see if anything can pierce their proud Aryan skins.”

  And seven hundred twenty-two bullets later he still didn’t know what could pierce their skins, but he was damned sure he knew what couldn’t.

  THE PLANE LANDED at a small airport about forty miles outside of London.

  “This is as far as I go,” announced Leonardo. “The Germans control everything between here and Berlin.”

  “Are you going to let a little thing like a few thousand anti-aircraft guns and fighter planes stop you when this scantily-clad damsel is willing to face them armed with only a sword?” demanded Einstein.

  “What the hell,” said Leonardo. “When you put it that way…”

  “Good!” said Einstein. “Refuel the plane and we’ll be on our way. Big El and I will grab some dinner while you’re standing out here in the pouring rain keeping a watchful eye on things.”

  He escorted Eleanor inside. They found a small snack shop, and soon were seated at a table.

  “Everyone’s staring,” she noted.

  “Probably seeing a half-naked warrior princess eating with a world-famous Nobel Prize winner isn’t an everyday occurrence.”

  “So how are we going to get to Himmler’s headquarters?” asked Eleanor.

  “The direct approach is probably best,” answered Einstein.

  “The direct approach?”

  He nodded. “When we get to downtown Berlin, I’ll ask a cabbie.”

  “You think of everything, Little Al,” she said admiringly. “How much trouble do we expect on the way in?”

  “Well, I had hoped that Himmler was so anxious to have his horrendous horde meet you in personal combat that he would have ordered everyone to give us safe passage until we got there,” said Einstein. “But if I’m wrong, then you may have to single-handedly conquer the German Fourth, Sixth, and Seventh Armored Divisions—and that’s if we make it over France without being shot down.”

  “Boy, those Nazis are everywhere!” said Eleanor grimly.

  “Actually, I was thinking of the French,” answered Einstein. “De Gaulle has never forgiven me for beating him at chess.”

  Eleanor studied the menu, then signaled the lone waitress.

  “What’ll it be, ma’am?” asked the girl.

  “I’ll have a hot fudge sundae, a piece of New York cheesecake, a chocolate éclair, and a slice of apple pie à la mode, heavy on the whipped cream.”

  “Will you want anything to drink, ma’am? Tea, perhaps?”

  “A chocolate malt.”

  Einstein ordered coffee, the waitress went off to the kitchen, and he stared curiously at Eleanor, who had a radiant smile on her face.

  “I may keep this magical outfit forever, Little Al!” she enthused. “Twenty-three thousand calories, and I won’t gain an ounce!”

  “Not only that,” said Einstein, “but you’ll have all the energy you’ll need for the battles that lay ahead of us. Well, of you.”

  “I feel sharp,” she said. “Himmler’s going to rue the day that he called these super-Aryans up from hell.”

  “I’M STARTING TO RUE the day I called you up from hell!” growled Himmler as he faced his thirteen super-Aryans.

  “What did we do wrong this time?” asked Adolf.

  “I don’t mind that you can’t march in formation. I don’t mind that Heinrich Number 8 has a prostate problem and has to keep running to the john. I don’t even mind that none of you has washed in all the time you’ve been here.” He glared at them. “But I mind like all hell that nobody remembers to duck their heads or even use a door when they enter or leave a room. You’re slowly but surely destroying the damned building. You!” he yelled, pointing at Heinrich Number 3. “Get that wistful smile off your face.”

  “But you mentioned home,” protested Number 3.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” demanded Himmler.

  “There!” exclaimed Number 3. “You did it again!”

  “Oh, shut up!” growled Himmler. “Just go down to the basement and try not to get into trouble. I’ll call you when it’s time to slaughter Mrs. Roosevelt.”

  “But it’s dark and foreboding down there,” whined Number 9. “And there are lurking shadows.”

  “So what?” said Himmler. “You guys are invulnerable.”

  “That doesn’t make it less scary,” said Number 5 petulantly.

  “You can’t be hurt,” repeated Himmler. “That means nothing should scare you.”

  “Lots of things scare us,” answered Adolf.

  “Right,” agreed Number 4. “Personally, I’m terrified of high cholesterol levels.”

  “And I’m afraid of tax auditors,” added Number 7.

  “Aggressive redheads named Thelma make me want to run for the hills,” said Number 10. Suddenly he burst out crying.

  “What’s the matter with him?” asked Himmler.

  “There aren’t any hills in hell,” explained Adolf.

  “I’ve heard enough of this,” exploded Himmler. “You are the ideals of German manhood, perfect in every way, at least from the neck down.” Number 8 raised his hand to speak. “Except for Number 8’s prostate,” amended Himmler. “You are about to carry the hopes and dreams of the Third Reich into battle against the most formidable warrior and the most dangerous sorcerer that America has to offer. There can be no fears, no doubts, nothing but the absolute certainty that Aryans cannot ever lose.”

  “Uh…this warrior woman,” said Number 1. “How big is she?”

  “Not big enough!” roared Himmler. “You are the ideals of the Master Race. You are twice the size of normal men. You are invulnerable. You cannot feel pain, or fear, or fatigue. You represent everything that is fine and noble and worth keeping on this mongrel-filled planet. Now, let me hear it! Are you ready to triumph over the greatest warrior the Allies can provide?”

  He wasn’t sure, but he thought he counted seven yes’s, five no’s, and a maybe.

  “THERE’S PARIS, coming up on your left,” announced Leonardo as the plane banked to afford them a better view. “Last chance to stretch your legs and see the Folies Bergère.”

  “Why would I want to see the Folies Bergère?” asked Eleanor.

  “I was thinking of Little Al,” said Leonardo. “We used to have to drag him out of there almost every night during the last war.”

  “I found the atmosphere conducive to conjuring,” said Einstein defensively.

  “Usually he’d conjure up a spell and the prettiest girls would throw themselves at him.”

  “It was all for God and country,” said Einstein. “Well, maybe excluding God. Besides, once I perfected it, it brought Mata Hari out of hiding and straight to me.”

  “With only one hundred and forty-three romantic pit stops along the way,” said Leonardo.

  “Maybe we should show you the Louvre,” said Einstein, turning to Eleanor and changing the subject.

  “Do they have any Norman Rockwells?
” she asked.

  Einstein shook his head. “Just da Vinci and Reubens and Michelangelo and that whole crowd.”

  “Foreigners all,” she sniffed. She tapped Leonardo on the shoulder. “Just land. I’ll kill a Nazi or two, make sure everything is in working order, and then we’ll proceed to Berlin.”

  As they reached the outskirts of Paris, they began picking up anti-aircraft fire.

  “That was a close one,” said Leonardo as a shell exploded just to the left of the plane. “Hey, Little Al, are you sure you want to land here?”

  “Don’t interrupt!” said Einstein. His eyes were closed, and his hands were making mystical signs in the air. “The acceleration of a body is directly proportional to the net unbalanced force and inversely proportional to the body’s mass, a relationship is established between force (F), mass (m) and acceleration (a).”

  “What is he doing?” asked Leonardo.

  “Magic!” whispered Eleanor in awestruck tones. “Don’t interrupt him.”

  “The squares of the periods of revolution of the planets about the sun are proportional to the cubes of their mean distances from it,” chanted Einstein. Suddenly he relaxed and looked at his companions. “Okay,” he said. “The plane will be invulnerable to German fire for the next seventy-three minutes. Now you can land.”

  “By God!” said Leonardo. “How can the Germans stand up to a brain like that?”

  “It’s not that simple,” said Einstein. “My magic only works on normal Nazis, not on Himmler’s super-Aryans. For that, we need some very special magic, some spell that’s never been cast before.”

  “So cast it,” said Leonardo.

  “I’m working on it,” said Einstein. He closed his eyes, held out his hands, and chanted, “E equals MC cubed!”

  “The engine just died,” announced Leonardo.

  “Damn!” said Einstein as they glided silently toward the ground. “I thought I had it this time!”

  “ALL RIGHT,” SAID HIMMLER. “The Führer is coming by to inspect you any minute now. I want you to line up alphabetically.”

  “But there are twelve Heinrichs,” said Heinrich Number 9.

  “All right,” said Himmler. “By height.”

  “We’re all the same size.”