Pandora

by Storm Chase

  Ramon picked up the tray with coffees and stomped off. Pandora waited till he was gone, heaved a sigh of relief, then went and checked out the cupboards. She found some boxed cereal and an unopened pack of long life milk. Having run the tap for a few minutes, she decided she’d trust the instant coffee too seeing that everyone was drinking it.

  She made up a tray and took it back to the bedroom. Munching on her milky Frosties, she decided she needed a game plan. To get out of this situation, she’d have to convince Xavier that he needed to switch “people.” She’d better learn to understand him, and fast.

  It wasn’t going to be easy. Xavier definitely didn’t deal with emotions in a normal way. He liked to enjoy himself; after two nights in bed with him, she knew that for a fact. She’d also seen him upset but thinking it over, she decided he didn’t feel a normal range of emotion.

  She jotted down a list of emotions she’d felt in the last day or so on her iPad. Although it wasn’t exactly representative of the whole range, she realised that Xav had a hard time understanding pity, hope, disappointment, embarrassment, or fear.

  As he’d put it: emotion is like Braille to me. I know it’s there but I can’t read it. She thought about it and decided that he experienced “big” feelings like joy and anger but she suspected he had an intellectual understanding but no personal experience of more complex emotions. And being a brain, Xav had compensated by developing a set of rules that helped him recognise what he was missing, you’ve gone all stiff, Panda, are you upset?

  Looking through the iPad books, she went directly to her beloved psychology reads; the ones she’d bought when she’d begun volunteering at the Special Needs home.

  Rifling through various tomes, she dismissed autism and Asperger syndrome before finally coming to alexithymia. It sounded like a Russian author but it came close to describing Xavier.

  According to the experts, the mysterious condition meant sufferers had problems identifying emotion. Most cases were part of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, affecting soldiers coming back from battle. A few suggested people were born with it or that it came from child abuse or neglect.

  Well, Pandora thought, almost all of that applied to Xavier. His father sounded as if he’d been a cold bastard. Xavier had also been kicked out to fend for himself when he was still a kid. That was definitely child abuse in her book. Now he was living with a bunch of monsters who killed anyone who stood in their way. If that didn’t cause stress, then Pandora couldn’t imagine what did.

  Although Pandora searched, she couldn’t find a recommended treatment. Medics argued mostly over what caused alexithymia; few talked about ways of coping with it.

  This is not going to be easy, Pandora said to herself. Strangely enough she didn’t feel too depressed about it. When she’d volunteered at the Special Needs Home she’d managed to communicate with some of the more challenging kids. Surely Xavier who was super-clever would be easier to talk to and understand?

  Instantly her evil inner angel popped up. As she’d made such a mess of things in her life, who was she to think she could understand him? Or persuade him to do something he clearly didn’t want to do? He might not know what she was feeling but he had a brain the size of a planet for everything else. He’d see through her schemes in a second. There was no way she could ever influence anyone.

  Pandora sighed. Maybe she was kidding herself but she had to try.

  She went back to her current read, a self-help book on toxic relationships. She found the place she’d left off, transform your relationships: communicating your needs. It was bound to give her some ideas on how to get through to Xavier.

  Pandora ploughed through the chapter, dutifully stopping at every self-analysis point where the author demanded readers think through their own problems. After a few hours, she put away the iPad. Analysing her own rotten choices had left her feeling totally depressed. To her surprise the sun was going down, colouring the skyline in pinks and oranges. She must have been reading far longer than she thought.

  The voices next door peaked, roaring briefly in triumph, and then fell silent. Seconds later, Xavier came cruising in. He came straight to her and folded her in his arms. Pandora hugged him back convulsively. Feeling absurdly spineless herself, the feel of his hard, superbly toned muscles was immensely comforting.

  “Come and have a glass of wine, Panda,” Xavier said happily. “I’ve ordered a local dinner.” He looked into her eyes slightly anxiously. “That’s okay, isn’t it?”

  “It sounds great,” Pandora assured him.

  He wasn’t convinced. “You’re all stiff again, Panda. Are you frightened?”

  He really was very sweet.

  “Not at all,” she assured him. “I was just reading this book about relationships, and it brought home to me how much I’ve screwed up.”

  He sat down next to her. “But Panda, none of this was your fault. You weren’t to know. You just got unlucky.”

  “But it started way before that,” Pandora explained. “I went to London to get a job. Everyone told me not to go until I found one but I wanted to get away from home. And when I got to London, I got so uptight about money and work and getting along that I made some really stupid choices.”

  She stopped, not knowing if she should tell him.

  “I read your old Facebook posts, Panda,” Xavier said gently. “And I’ve read your email. It’s about your love affairs, right? Go on, talk to me.”

  “I kind of slept around for a bit,” Pandora said uncomfortably. “I’d go out and have too much to drink. You know how it is. You go out and have a good time. Everyone was hooking up with everyone else so, well, erm, I didn’t want to be frigid.”

  Xavier just sat and waited.

  “I wasn’t enjoying it much,” Pandora rushed on. “And when I woke up one morning with this man I didn’t even remember meeting, I went the other way. For a while I turned down every bloke that asked me. In a way that was worse because people stopped talking to me and I got really lonely. And then I met...” she couldn’t continue.

  “I know about Micah.”

  “Oh.” For once she was glad she didn’t have to explain.

  “You fell for him,” Xavier said. “You hung out with him and his crowd for a while but then it turned sour.”

  “Yeah,” Pandora shrugged. “I must have come off as really needy or something because we really connected but after we slept together he just bolted.” She swallowed. “Most of the people I knew were his friends so I suddenly found myself all alone again. That’s when I went back home to see my parents for a weekend. You know, just for a break. They were having this drinks party and Richard was there.”

  “Whirlwind romance,” Xavier said evenly.

  “Salvaging my pride,” Pandora corrected him bitterly. “I was really hurt so I flirted with Richard at the party and when he called me in London and took me for dinner, I had too much to drink and we fell into bed. I didn’t want to admit to another one-night stand, so that was it really. Suddenly I was in this relationship.”

  She swallowed nervously. “When my father found out, he was delighted. Richard’s family are rich, and Richard is a lawyer. As my father has a construction company, he wanted Richard on the board for cheap legal advice, and Richard’s family could invest every now and again. Everyone thought us getting together was just perfect.”

  She didn’t add that it had been the first time in her life that her parents had been proud of her. It seemed a betrayal.

  Xavier was just sitting, listening patiently. “Go on,” he encouraged her.

  “I just let things drift,” Pandora admitted. “Everyone kept saying how marvellous it all was, so when Richard proposed I was just too cowardly to say no. I didn’t dislike him, you see, and I thought he’d be good for me because he’s organised and motivated; everything I’m not. I thought I’d learn to love him. But after we got engaged, Richard got more and more bossy. Suddenly everything I did was wrong. He nagged and nagged and then he started yelling
at me.”

  Pandora decided not to say that it had been like living with her father all over again. Her father did love her; he was just too set in his ways, too military, to show a soft side.

  “Then I got this phone call from Micah,” she said. “He apologised for bolting, said it was all his fault and that he’d gone to therapy to try and sort out his issues.”

  “But it didn’t make you feel better.”

  “It made me think about my relationship with Richard,” Pandora confessed. “I realised it was a mistake and decided to break it off.” She took a deep breath. “Everyone was furious.”

  Xavier touched her gently. “I saw. Poor Panda.”

  Pandora flushed at his soft words. “I was also having money problems because waitressing really doesn’t pay well. So when I was offered that job at Admiralty House I thought it was a new beginning. But I even messed that up! I started on Monday and by Friday that fake brigadier got to me. I am such a fuck-up, Xavier. I’m really bad news.”

  Xavier listened and thought for a while. “I don’t see that,” he said eventually. “They picked on you because you were new and still naive. And you were false flagged because you’re a good person. They knew that bribery wouldn’t work so they tricked you. Being a good person is rare, Panda!” He smiled. “Honesty is a handicap in my profession but I do recognise it when I see it!”

  Pandora smiled slightly. Xavier had a sense of humour.

  “As for the engagement, you did that to please your parents. You got out because Richard didn’t love you. It was self preservation. I know all about that too.” He was looking at her quite seriously. “As for disappointing your parents, well, I don’t see how that really matters. It’s not as if they try to make you happy.”

  “They love me!” Pandora stammered.

  “I don’t see that,” Xavier said considering. “When you said you couldn’t love Richard, they went on and on about how much they wanted the marriage. They didn’t care if you were happy or not.”

  Pandora was stricken by the way Xavier articulated her most secret, unacknowledged thoughts.

  He stroked her arm gently with a finger. “I know I made a mess of things and hurt you but I would never make you unhappy deliberately. I love you too much.”

  His words went straight to her heart. Pandora shrank away from the ugly thoughts his words provoked.

  “There are tears in your eyes. I’ve hurt your feelings,” Xavier said anxiously. “Oh Panda, I’m sorry!”

  “It’s okay,” Pandora said. “You didn’t mean to.”

  “I’m probably wrong,” Xavier said hastily. “Forget what I said.”

  “No,” Pandora said. “I think you’re right.” She tried to smile. “You’re supposed to love your parents and they’re supposed to love you but that’s not always the case, is it?”

  “No. But it’s not you, Pandora: it’s them. I think they just don’t feel very much.”

  “You’re not like that, Xavier,” Pandora said impulsively. “You may not read feelings easily but you do have them!”

  “I do for you,” he shrugged, “but not for anyone else.”

  Pandora knew she should just reassure him but a small horrible part of her whispered that this was an opportunity. “Maybe you don’t because the people you’re with don’t deserve it,” Pandora said.

  “Probably,” Xavier agreed.

  The way he said it, it was clear he didn’t care one way or the other.

  “They make you commit crimes with them, Xavier,” Pandora urged him. “Like who bought that information you got from Admiralty House? Terrorists?”

  “That was a British-American consortium,” Xavier grinned. “They’re bidding for a weapons system contract and they wanted to make sure their proposal was better than the tenders put up by the French and the Japanese.”

  “Oh,” Pandora said blankly. She thought that made it different but decided to ignore that thought. “It was still very wrong!”

  Xavier wasn’t fooled. “Oh come on, Panda! If I’d handed it to the Japanese, you would have been fuming but seeing it’s all in the family it’s okay?”

  Pandora glared at him. “I may not be very consistent,” she said. “But I know I’m right!”

  Xavier burst out laughing. “That’s an unanswerable argument,” he said as he gave her a big hug.

  “I wish you didn’t work for these people,” Pandora mumbled into his ear. “They give me the creeps.”

  “It’s a rough world,” Xavier said gently. “My people are no different from anyone else. So why change? I’m happy with them.”

  “But I’m not!” Pandora exclaimed. She wriggled until she could see his face.

  Xavier looked worried. “You’re not going to hurt yourself again, are you?”

  Pandora couldn’t lie. “No,” she said reluctantly. “No, I am not.”

  Xavier looked slightly relieved but she could see he was still perturbed. “If something better comes along, I’ll think about it, all right?” he said at last.

  It was better than she’d hoped for and she knew not to push it. “Thanks, Xav.”

  “Pandora, you can say what you like to me, but don’t let anyone else hear, okay? It’s dangerous.”

  Pandora nodded. She knew exactly what the Committee would do if they knew she was trying to talk their best asset into jumping ship. She wouldn’t last a second. They’d have Ramon shove a knife into her, or make that Paco chuck her off the roof. Just thinking about it made her shake inside. She closed her eyes and forced herself to calm down.

  When she opened them, Xavier was raising his hand to touch her hair. Instinctively she flinched.

  Xavier stared at her in amazement. “What are you doing?” he asked surprised. “Panda, you don’t think I’d hit you, do you?”

  “No, no, no!” she was flushed with embarrassment. “It was just, erm...”

  Xavier frowned. “Now listen to me, Pandora! Girls do that when someone’s been abusing them.”

  Pandora could feel a crimson tide flow from her neck over her face.

  “Richard,” Xavier growled. “He hit you?”

  “Not really,” Pandora said hastily. “It was just a slap. He was mad at me when I dumped him. I don’t think he meant it.”

  Xavier’s eyes darkened. For seconds he sat like a statue. Pandora could feel the menace radiating from him. She swallowed nervously. Her sweetly smiling Xavier had vanished. This was the Dragon who had sent contract killers to take his revenge.

  Dear lord, she thought to herself. And you thought he doesn’t feel very much? Clearly anger is something he’s very good at feeling. Instinctively, she knew what was going through his mind.

  “Don’t kill him, Xav,” Pandora pleaded. “I don’t like Richard very much but this whole mess was my fault. I should never have agreed to the engagement. He had a right to be angry.”

  “Nobody has a right to hit you, Pandora,” Xavier said coldly.

  “I agree but please don’t kill him.”

  Xavier blinked and took a deep breath. That dangerous quality of still menace abated a little. “All right, Panda,” he said. “But I’m going to teach him a lesson. Come on!”

  He tugged her to her feet and led her to the computer bank. Pulling up a chair for her, he sat down behind his keyboard. Pandora stared at the screens surrounding her. Every single one of them had a screensaver with her image.

  She could see herself brushing her hair, smiling, leaning back in her chair at the office, eating Chinese takeaway in her flat. The images kept swapping around. Even old photos taken when she was still at school put in brief appearances.

  “Xavier, where did you get all these?” she gasped.

  “The old ones are from the copy of your hard drive. The rest are from your web cam and from the surveillance cams we set up.”

  She’d tried to ignore that fact that he’d told her about the cameras in her home but looking at these pictures, she realised there wasn’t a part of her life he hadn’t seen. Pa
ndora fervently wished she had a habit of undressing in the dark. He must have watched her, yet surprisingly there were no pictures of her naked.

  “Did you watch me undress?” she blurted out.

  “Sure, Panda, but don’t worry, nobody else saw.” He sounded totally relaxed; as if it were perfectly all right to spy on her. Xavier really didn’t understand the concept of guilt, Pandora thought, or embarrassment.

  She thought for a moment about trying to talk to him about it but then she decided it wasn’t worth it; she couldn’t change it so there was no point in worrying about it.

  I’m changing, Pandora thought in surprise. It was a strange feeling. A liberating feeling. Seeing him tapping away at his keyboard, Pandora decided to think about it later. For the moment, she was curious what Xavier was up to. He said he wanted to punish Richard but there wasn’t much he could do considering they were half a world away.

  As Xavier typed the screen filled with a series of incomprehensible lines that Pandora vaguely recognised as computer code. Then a window opened up, revealing a list of files. From the folders named Simmons & Simmons Pandora deduced that she was looking into Richard’s laptop. For a moment she felt guilty; this snooping was totally wrong but then she saw a file named Pandora. Instantly she was curious.

  “What’s in there?” she asked Xavier.

  “Nothing anymore.” His voice was neutral but by the tightening of his mouth she knew he was tense.

  “What was in it before you deleted it?” she asked.

  Xavier stopped typing and looked up at her. “You’re beginning to know me,” he sighed. “He wanted to sue you, remember? He had collected email, pictures of you together, and a diary of where he’d taken you and when.”

  “And the video he took of us in bed,” Pandora said calmly.

  “Hmm.”

  It was a totally noncommittal sound but Pandora instantly felt defensive.

  “It was an accident,” she said quickly. “He had security cameras put in and he forgot to switch them off. I was there when he saw the feed the next day. It was just a coincidence that they were on when we were in bed. We laughed over it.”