Vampires Don't Cry: The Collection

by Ian Hall

  Unfortunately, it proved to be a chain reaction that had no end.

  In the middle of it all, the Helsing’s vehicle got smashed like a beer can.

  I slowed down, then ditched my car in gravel at the side of the road. No point in being conspicuous. I ran over to the wreckage until I found him - what there was left of him, anyway. That vinegar blood smelled wretched. I tried not to get it on me as I carefully pulled him from the car.

  The dude faded fast. It would take his last breath, but so help me, I wasn’t gonna let him die without giving an answer.

  “Why are the Helsings staking out Lyman’s house?”

  His mouth quivered some indiscernible syllables. I thought I made out the word “traitor” in there somewhere.

  “Lyman’s no traitor, you piece of shit. He’s trying to help you take down the fucking vampire mob boss!”

  My words floated down to dead ears.

  I dropped the Helsing’s corpse onto the road. Lights and sirens lit up the predawn sky; I only had seconds. But, that’s all a vampire really needs.

  Back into the Helsing’s car. My hands became the jaws of life, ripping through the mangled steel. I found it on the floor under the passenger’s side, a manila envelope. Pictures of me, walking up to and standing outside Lyman’s place. I grabbed the camera and the small portable printer too, just in case.

  Emergency response vehicles were screaming from the east, behind the pileup. My way west lay clear. So far.

  I thought about ditching the car and taking it on foot; it’d be faster. But, I couldn’t very well get by without it forever. I had no idea if any the crash survivors could I.D. me/my vehicle as the one responsible for this catastrophe. Most likely not. It’d all happened so fast, even my vampire mind could barely etch together details.

  Still. If reinforcements closed in from the other direction I could be in the showdown of my life with AHP. I’d need my strength to take down that many humans all on my own.

  One more quickie stop; the truck driver who skidded across the highway. He was toast. His head looked like a grapefruit that had been crushed in a vice.

  I stuck my teeth into his already torn arteries and got as much out of him as I could, before taking off into the night.

  I got home to Gregor without tearing Dave Muscat’s head off.

  The fucking prick.

  I went over the one-sided phone conversation in my head, searching for some way that he wasn’t up to his forehead in two-faced shit, but I came up empty. Every way I looked at this, despite Mary-Christine, I stood on my own against him. Well, me and Mandy. Again, the world had closed in on me, and I sat down at the narrow end of the table. It didn’t feel good. If it wasn’t for my growing resentment against the Helsing organization, I would have broken down and cried.

  But I didn’t. I held that bitterness close and cuddled it; in fact, I fed off of it, and it made me stronger.

  When I got into the safe room, I closed the door. I now had half an inch of steel between me and the outside world. I felt a little better. I sat at the table, and made myself a to-do list.

  Get a new phone, and contact Mandy.

  Contact Reynolds. Sweep everything.

  Get a stack of meds. Excuse? Going to grandma’s for a month or two.

  I set off to Flagstaff, making certain that I wasn’t being followed, and got myself a new phone; just a cheap thing. First call? Phone Mandy. When she answered, she sounded tired. “Hello?”

  “It’s me, Lyman.”

  “I thought it would be. New number?”

  “Yeah. Just you know about this one. No one else.”

  “Has it gone that bad?”

  I told her about the new revelation, and the fact that I couldn’t trust Mary-Christine just yet. “Where are you?”

  “I’m up north, well, not that north, I’m about ten minutes north of Flagstaff.”

  “On I-89?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Look, I’m in Flagstaff right now. We need to go off reservation for a while. Just ‘til we think this one through properly.”

  “What do you suggest?”

  “Look, make for Cameron, it’s just a few more miles north, I’ll meet you there in an hour.”

  I drove to the nearest ATM and withdrew eight hundred bucks, my limit on one of my cards, and four hundred on another.

  Then I got out of Flagstaff, always with an eye to the rear. I got out my old phone and dialed Reynolds.

  “Lyman Bracks here.”

  “Hi, Mr. Bracks. What can I do for you?”

  I’m going out of town for a day or so, I have a job for you.”

  “Okay.”

  “There’s a back door key under the white planter. The security code is 5567. I need you to sweep the house again, and look for cameras, too.”

  “Okay, I can do that this afternoon.”

  “Fine; one more thing. If I want to go off the grid, what do I have to do to the cell phone?”

  “Battery out, SIM card out, then short out the pins with a key. That’ll disable the GPS thingy.”

  “Superb. Hey, how much are you for a week?”

  “Three-thousand.”

  “Okay, I’m done. Thanks Mr. Reynolds.”

  “No problem, Mr. Bracks.”

  I stopped the car and deactivated the cell phone, spreading the parts on the passenger seat.

  Up on I-89, Cameron was such a small town, I didn’t even need to phone Mandy to find her car. I wound down my window and told her to follow me to the gas station.

  I walked inside. The guy behind the counter looked as bored as could be. “You the owner?” I asked.

  “Yeah.” He nodded.

  “My girlfriend and I are going up into the mountains for a day or two, and don’t want two cars. How much to park mine here for a bit?”

  “You in trouble?”

  “No, none of that. My mom might be a bit worried, but nothing else. She’s the only one that might call. You know, the GPS doohickey.”

  He nodded, and rubbed his chin slowly. “Fifty bucks.”

  “That sounds fine.” I counted out three twenties. “And there’s another forty if you don’t tell mom where we went.”

  I got in Mandy’s car. “Make for the canyon.” I flipped the lever that reclined my seat. Man, was I angry. “We’re going to the Grand Hotel in Tusayan.”

  She sensed my mood right away and just drove; no chatter, nothing. I liked Mandy; she knew when to shut the fuck up.

  We were halfway there when I sat upright again. “I hate Dave Muscat,” I said. Then I told her the whole story. The execution, the lot.

  “But you hate Amos Blanche more, don’t you?” Mandy asked when my diatribe had finished. “He’s still target number one?”

  “Oh, yeah. Muscat is just collateral damage.”

  “What about miss ‘Little House on the Prairie’?”

  I thought of Mary-Christine, and I realized that I couldn’t do anything to her dad. “Oh, okay, I’m just ranting a bit. I’m not going to take him out. He just pisses me off right now.”

  We drove for a while, then we got involved in actually finding the hotel and checking in, and when we got into our suite, I relaxed, at last.

  “So how do we get to Amos?” Mandy asked. “Or should I say Eli Combs, or T.J. Candy, or whoever he is. He could have been around for centuries.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “Getting him out in the open might be a difficult task.”

  “And let’s not even think of penetrating his organization,” she said with a wry smile. She stretched on the bed, throwing her hands up to the pillow. I couldn’t help but notice her breasts didn’t even move. Man, she had a rack true enough. “Are you checking me out, Lyman Bracks?” she chided, shifting onto her elbows.

  I lowered my head, and smiled. “Guilty as charged.”

  “You really are a piece of work!” but at least she grinned as she said it. “You better get some tail quick, my boy, before you get much older.”


  “That wasn’t an invitation, dork,” I scolded as Lyman plopped down on the bed next to me.

  He laid himself out, sinking into the pillow and turning his face to mine. I relaxed back as well and we lay there like two exhausted lovers.

  “I need to tell you something,” I said, not knowing for sure how he would react and hating to break the sweet little vibe in the room. “The Helsing that took the pictures: the one Dave Muscat talked to? Well, he’s dead.”

  “A Helsing?” I asked. “Not a private detective?”

  “Nope, he was vinegar thru and thru.”

  “Well, at least that narrows down who’s watching us. Dave Muscat, or Helsings, or both.”

  I’d half expected him to shoot up from the bed and go raging around the room. Instead, Lyman just closed his eyes for a sec, steeling himself. When he opened them, they were clear of any resentment.

  “What happened?” he said in a very tired voice.

  I gave him the Reader’s Digest version. Ending with, “I’m sorry, Lyman. Obviously, I had no intention of any of that happening.”

  “I know you didn’t. I just wish I could say that’d be the end of this whole thing; but there’ll be another one to take his place. Dave Muscat will see to that.”

  “At least I got these.”

  I had the camera tucked away in the trunk of my car but the manila envelope was stuffed into the waist of my jeans. I rolled up my top; Lyman’s eyes were round as pizzas. But, I stopped before he got a peek at anything interesting.

  “What’s this?” he asked as I presented him the envelope.

  “Pictures the Helsing took of me. Plus I have the camera and the small printer. So, at least they’ve got no proof of me being spotted at your house.”

  Lyman crinkled his nose in thought. “Unless the guy emailed digital copies to Dave.”

  “That’s true. If so - the damage is done.”

  He exhaled from a deep breath. “I suppose so. I’m not all that sure I could count on Mary-Christine to run interference at this point. It may just be you and me against the world, Mandy.”

  I don’t know why, but his declaration sent a weird tingle through my body.

  “So, how are you now?” he asked after a minute of silence. “You’ve been through a lot the last couple days. How’re you holding up?”

  His concern nearly put those tingles right over the top.

  “I’m - I’m okay.”

  “What’d you do after the accident? I mean, it’s been hours…”

  “I drove like a maniac is what I did, Lyman. Took the first exit off the highway, turned north. I mean, I wasn’t thirty minutes away from this place when you called.”

  “And did what? Just hunkered down for a while?”

  “Sort of. I’d been driving for a while, low on gas. So, I pulled into this town…”

  I tried to be diplomatic as I accounted for the lost time. I mean, there I was, virtually stranded. Couldn’t go back to Gregor. Didn’t want to go to Harris. And I’m out in the cold air, filling the tank when I spot the most beautiful sign I think I’ve ever seen in my life:

  Casa de Tranquilidad…East Five Miles…

  A luxury day spa just up the road? It had been karma. We’re talking sauna, massage, the whole bit.

  Nowhere to go. Nobody to talk to. What I did have was Lyman’s debit card and a damn strong inclination for some pampering. Mom used to tell me: “If you want to be at your best, you’ve got to look your best.”

  “I’d just got done exfoliating when you called.”

  Lyman giggled like an eight-year-old girl.

  “That’s my Mandy,” he said, exciting another round of tingles. “First thing on the list: get rid of the Helsing. Second: bikini wax.”

  I wasn’t sure I liked the inference. But I had to admit there was a note of truth in his valuation of me.

  Next thing I knew, I giggled right along with him.

  Not really sure how it happened or who initiated it, but at some point, our hands had found each other across the bed. Our fingers were clasping tight; not like a romantic gesture. More like two people, clinging to the side of a cliff. We’d either climb back up or fall into the canyon together.

  “So how was it - your day at the spa?”

  “Nice. But, this place is better.”

  Lyman made a point of scanning the ambiance. Four mental-patient white walls. A non-descript dresser, and two matchy-match nightstands. All utilitarian and pretty bland. Standard hotel room kind of stuff.

  “This place is better than ‘The House of Tranquility’?”

  I knew my smile was a sheepish one, but I didn’t care much. “Yeah. ‘Cause you’re here.”

  His fingers curled tighter around mine.

  Deeper and Deeper into the Mire

  “I have to get as much meds from Unicorps as I can,” I said, looking at the ceiling. Being with Mandy felt all well and good, and even though she was a vampire, she was a good-looking girl, and I had to focus to keep my mind off her. “If we’re going to go all rogue, I might not get any for a while.”

  “It’s a pity they won’t tell you what it is exactly.”

  “Yeah. I also need to get as much blood coagulant as I can. And the guns to shoot it.”

  “What?”

  “Oh.” I felt a little embarrassed at having to tell her our secret weapon against her kind. “We have a kind of tranquilizer gun; a pistol. It shoots darts like they use in zoos, to bring down big cats and stuff. The darts are filled with blood coagulant. Makes you guys comatose in a minute or so.”

  “Ooh. That sounds nasty. I can run pretty far in a minute though.”

  “Not with this stuff in your veins. You’re pretty well slowed down after a few seconds.”

  “Okay.” She shook her head. “So we have to get all your stuff, then we have to find a way to get to Amos. That should be our goal right now. Everything we do should work to that end.”

  “But how do we get him out of his corporate bubble?” I got up and walked to the window. Some snow lay in the gardens and such, swept off the sidewalks, but snow still the same.

  “Will Amos be coming to the next execution?” Mandy had risen from the bed, and paced back and forward. Her movements were so smooth, almost like a cat; a sexy kitten.

  I shook my head. “Eh, maybe, he’s based in New York, so I’m not sure. But he’s second in line to actually perform an execution. He’ll definitely be in town for that one.”

  “What?” she stopped, midstride.

  I was startled by her sudden interest. “The Helsings have a rota to do an execution,” I explained. “It’s usually one person from the actual takedown, and one member from the rota. Amos has been given a push up the ladder by Dave. He’s second in line.”

  Mandy suddenly appeared right in front of me, her face inches from mine.

  “Don’t do that!” I shouted, but she didn’t move back.

  “Amos will be there? In the execution room?”

  I could feel her breath on my face as she spoke. It wasn’t Mary-Christine’s strawberries, but it wasn’t manure, either. Those vampire pheromones were all over me; I was having a hard time keeping my hands to myself. And I mean hard. “He’ll be in the execution room with one other Helsing.”

  “Behind the glass?”

  “Yeah.”

  “In a sealed room?”

  I immediately had an inkling of her plan. “Oh Mandy, that would be so difficult.”

  “But it would also be secure.” She walked to the other bed and threw herself onto it; sitting down. Her tits bounced for a second more than she did. “I mean, how fantastic would that be? We get Amos in a sealed room, we hit him with coagulant, and have a double vampire slaying.”

  I could see the germ of a plan. “But we’d have to get ourselves past security, and into the room without being seen.”

  “Hey!” she threw her arms into the air. “I never said the plan was foolproof, we just have to work out the details.”

  “We�
��d also have a Helsing in the room to deal with.”

  “True,” Mandy nodded, then her eyes widened. “Not if the other Helsing is you.”

  “Hah!” I roared. “That’s a good one. I tell Dave Muscat that his new best friend is a vampire, and he lets me just share an execution with him. That’s so not going to happen.”

  “Well, Mary-Christine then,” she said, matter-of-factly. “We wait ‘til it’s Amos’s turn, then we quickly set her up with a vampire kill, and that would get her into the room with Amos. That way, when we break into the room, it’s three against one. Well, three against two, but one’s already tied to a table. Like shooting fish in a barrel.”

  For the first time in an hour, I suddenly wasn’t concentrating on Mandy.

  “That could work.” I sat up on the bed, slipping my legs off the side. “And if Mary-Christine can get us her dad’s entry card, maybe we both can get in through the doctor’s office. I’ve been there before.”

  “Sounds like we have a plan,” she said.

  I let the thought ferment in my head. We had a recipe for taking down Amos Blanche; but for all I knew, we’d be missing one vital ingredient. For the time, I had no idea who Mary-Christine would side with.

  Without her, the plan didn’t work as well; we didn’t need a Helsing to deal with as well as a lunatic Amos. Without her being in the room, I’m not sure the plan stood a chance.

  “I fancy a beer.” I flopped onto the bed, panting. “But I’m never going to get any up here.”

  “Why not?” Mandy asked, walking to the door. “There’s no security camera in the world that can catch me. All you have to do is hold the door open.”

  I’d never seen Lyman wasted before. A lot like Lyman sober, only slightly less coordinated. That boy hardly ever stopped talking. And he never, ever stopped thinking.

  The alcohol served to loosen his tongue up about his reservations concerning our plan. I let him go without commenting. Sure, I had my own doubts about Mary-Christine; had from the beginning. But, the fact of the matter – her involvement was essential to the plan.