Sydney Harbor Hospital: Zoe's Baby

by Alison Roberts

  What had she done?

  The plea in her father’s voice had been unmistakable, however, and a habit that had become ingrained ever since she’d come back from her brief holiday in Samoa kicked in. She could imagine that Teo was standing right beside her. Watching her. The desire to see approval warm that dark gaze was still a powerful influence, even now, when it appeared that the reason he’d come into her life was no longer valid. That the task had been accomplished and her life had to move on.

  Did her future include her immediate family?

  Taking the tray of tea, Zoe went back to the living room. Her mother was holding Emma and smiling brightly.

  Too brightly?

  Her father sat very close to her mother on the couch. He was leaning over Emma as he made faces, trying to make her smile. Emma obliged. She even reached up with a small fist and managed to knock his glasses off his nose.

  John Harper laughed, sitting back as he pushed his glasses back into place.

  ‘I think she might end up being a boxer.’

  ‘No-o-o.’ Celia Harper planted a kiss on Emma’s head. ‘She’s far too darling to want to do something so violent. I think she might be a ballet dancer.’

  ‘What do you think, Zoe?’ John asked.

  The stream of tea coming from the pot wobbled slightly. Zoe put it down. ‘I just want her to be happy,’ she said quietly.

  The atmosphere became instantly strained. Her father cleared his throat. ‘Of course,’ he said. After another heavy silence, he spoke again. A little tentatively. ‘Are you happy, Zoe?’

  She nodded. Talking about her postnatal depression to her parents was not an option because it would open a vast can of worms she was nowhere near ready to deal with. And she was happy. So far, she was even coping with the fear of a future that didn’t include Teo. It hurt, of course, but it hadn’t sent her plunging into depression and that, in itself, was giving her more strength.

  ‘I have a beautiful daughter,’ she said aloud. ‘And a great job.’

  She told her parents about her job as they drank the tea. She told them about her holiday in Samoa. When it came time for them to leave, she told them she was happy that they’d come to meet Emma.

  ‘We’re here tomorrow, too,’ her mother said. ‘We’d love to spend some more time getting to know her.’

  ‘I’m working tomorrow,’ Zoe said apologetically. ‘Emma goes into day care.’

  ‘Oh…does she have to? We could look after her.’

  ‘No…’ Zoe’s headshake was definite. She found herself tightening her grip on her baby. ‘I don’t think so.’

  Her mother bit her lip. Her eyes filled with tears but she managed to smile. ‘I…understand, love. It’s…all right.’

  But it wasn’t all right. Her parents went out to their rental car but her father came back to the door.

  ‘This means so much to her,’ he said. ‘She’s OK now. She hasn’t been in hospital for years and she’s even come off her medication, but her life has been…a bit empty, I guess. When your letter came, it was like the light came back on. She’s so excited about Emma. So…happy.’

  It was a shock to see that there were tears in her father’s eyes. He loved her mother. They both wanted to love Emma. Was it possible there was still family to be found?

  ‘I don’t know when we’ll be able to get back to Sydney. You did ask us to come and meet Emma. Is there really no way we could spend some time with her tomorrow?’

  Zoe hesitated. She hadn’t had the slightest doubt about leaving Emma to be cared for by Alisi or the aunties. And she had invited her parents to come and spend time with their granddaughter. What would Teo say if he could see her refusing to trust her own family?

  ‘I’d be there every minute,’ her father added quietly. ‘I’d make sure she was safe, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

  It was, but saying it aloud was too awful and might mean that she could never find a way of having her own family in her life. After an agonising silence Zoe found herself nodding slowly instead. Making the arrangements so that her parents could come and spend the whole day here with Emma.

  Trusting them.

  He knew she was in the department even before he saw her.

  He had to glance up, of course, to see if that odd feeling of alertness was justified and there she was. Zoe was pushing one end of a stretcher into the emergency department, having been cleared by triage. Her patient seemed to have been assigned a bed close to where he was standing and Teo had to suck in a deep breath to steady himself.

  It had been a couple of days since he’d told her he couldn’t be the partner she deserved to have and it had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. It had been the right thing to do, he knew that, so why did it have to feel as though he’d ripped off one of his own limbs or something?

  It hurt.

  The whimper of the child on the bed beside him was like an echo of his own suffering but it also served to bring him back instantly into a professional space. He was standing beside Evie Lockheart, who was doing an ultrasound examination on the abdomen of a small girl.

  Ruby was one of the Harbour’s well-known patients. The surviving conjoined twin had been an inpatient not very long ago, having extensive skin grafts to her hip area as a final repair after the separation from her twin, Amy. She had been doing very well but had been brought in this afternoon with a worrying history of severe pain and frequent vomiting.

  She whimpered again now, even though Evie was being very gentle with the ultrasound probe.

  ‘Hey, little one…’ Teo tried to distract Ruby. Maybe he was distracting himself at the same time, because he could hear Zoe’s voice in the background, reassuring her own patient as they prepared to transfer him to a bed. ‘Did I hear your mummy say that you’re going to school soon?’

  Ruby sniffled loudly but nodded at the same time. ‘I’ve got a pencil case,’ she informed Teo tearfully.

  ‘Awesome. What colour is it?’

  ‘Pink.’

  ‘Of course it is. That’s your favourite colour, isn’t it?’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘Teo?’ Evie’s voice was carefully neutral. ‘Look at this.’

  With another smile for Ruby, Teo turned his head to look at the shifting, shades-of-grey shapes on the screen as Evie angled the probe again.

  ‘Definite obstruction,’ he said quietly a moment later.

  ‘Oh, no…’ Ruby’s mother groaned. ‘Will she need surgery?’

  Teo nodded. ‘As soon as possible. We’ll get her up to the ward very soon. She hasn’t had anything to eat or drink in the last four hours, has she?’

  ‘No…she’s been vomiting since first thing this morning.’ Ruby’s mother looked close to tears. ‘I can’t understand why this has happened. I thought the grafts were the last procedure she’d need.’

  ‘It could be scar tissue from the separation that’s causing the obstruction,’ Teo told her. ‘The surgeon will be able to tell you more later.’

  ‘Who’s going to be doing the surgery?’

  ‘I’ll get hold of Finn,’ Evie said. She smiled at Ruby’s mother. ‘I’m sure Mr Kennedy won’t want anybody else in charge of our Ruby.’

  The young mother looked relieved. ‘I wouldn’t want anybody else either. He might be grumpy but he’s the best, isn’t he?’

  ‘He certainly is.’ Evie flicked a glance at Teo that looked…oddly defensive? ‘I’ll call him now, if you’re happy?’

  Teo gave a single nod. ‘And I’ll get a line in. She’s very dehydrated already.’

  The nurse had to go into the adjoining area to get the IV trolley and Teo saw Zoe look up and smile at her. Then her gaze shifted a fraction and she saw him and her smile faltered visibly before she turned awa
y.

  Teo was aware of a constriction in his throat that made it hard to swallow. He’d hurt her, he knew that.

  How could he have let things go as far as they had on the island? Getting that close. Making love to her had been a huge mistake.

  But how could he not have let things go as far as they had? He’d been pulled closer at a relentless pace. It was astonishing how many images could be present in his head at the same time.

  The fear in her eyes when he’d seen her in the paediatric outpatient waiting room.

  The look on her face when she’d heard Emma laugh that day on the beach at Coogee.

  Moonlight on her naked skin…

  Teo had to look somewhere else. Fast. Evie was on the phone, presumably to Finn Kennedy, and something about her stance, or maybe the tilt of her head, made him remember that odd impression he’d had weeks ago that there was something going on between Evie and Finn that had nothing to do with their strained and frosty professional relationship.

  Then again, maybe it had everything to do with it.

  Maybe he and Evie had something in common. Perhaps they both wanted something they couldn’t have because it would be wrong. Dangerous, even.

  Evie hung up the phone but didn’t move for a long moment. When she looked up, she saw that Teo was watching her and she held his gaze for a heartbeat.

  Yes. There was something going on there and it wasn’t something happy. Evie seemed to feel his empathy. Her smile was wry.

  ‘He’s going to meet us up on the ward. He’s not very happy about being interrupted, mind you.’

  ‘I guess he’s tired too. We all had a hard night and it’s been a long day already.’

  ‘It’s part of the job.’ Evie straightened her shoulders. ‘You can’t have a career like this without that kind of commitment.’

  ‘Especially when you’ve had to work so hard to get it in the first place.’

  ‘Yeah…’

  The look acknowledged another kind of connection Teo had with Evie. OK, she hadn’t had the kind of financial struggle he’d had to get through medical school and become a doctor but he’d heard that her father had been pretty obstructive. And he’d also heard that Evie had a very sick sister.

  He’d lost his mother.

  Maybe their reasons for letting a career like this become their lives weren’t so different.

  Maybe they could draw strength from each other.

  Teo smiled at Evie. ‘Let’s get Ruby sorted and up to the ward.’

  Teo was in the department.

  Zoe had spotted him instantly, as though her gaze had automatically been drawn in that direction. He had his back to where she was, apparently intent on watching an ultrasound that Evie was performing. Zoe turned her attention quickly back to her patient. She certainly wouldn’t want Teo to catch her staring at him.

  It wouldn’t always be this hard, would it?

  Could she get used to seeing him? Get to a point where it wouldn’t fill her with longing and regret and this awful, dull ache that felt horribly like despair? It was bad luck that they were taking their patient into an area so close to where Teo was working but he hadn’t noticed her. Either that, or he was ignoring her.

  That hurt.

  ‘Ready to lift?’ Tom was on the other end of the stretcher. They seesawed the load higher until their patient would be able to slide across onto the bed. An emergency consultant came in with a registrar.

  ‘This our SVT?’

  ‘Yes.’ Zoe nodded. She finished raising the back of the bed so that the man could sit up, which would help him breathe more easily. ‘This is Colin Jeffries. Thirty-nine years old. No cardiac history. He’s got a narrow complex tachycardia with a rate of 200. Oxygen saturation down to 96 per cent.’

  The consultant was smiling at her. Zoe smiled back. Luca di Angelo was new to the department but it was no wonder the gorgeous Italian doctor was turning heads in here. And judging by the sexual wattage in that smile, Zoe wasn’t at all surprised by the rumours she’d heard of his womanising tendencies.

  Luca had introduced himself to the patient and was talking to the registrar as a nurse hooked up the ECG leads.

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Valsalva manoeuvre?’

  Tom caught Zoe’s gaze. They had already tried that without success.

  ‘If that doesn’t work, we could sedate him and defibrillate. Or we could use adenosine.’

  Tom nudged Zoe. ‘Ever seen adenosine used?’

  ‘Yeah…’ The drug gave the chemical equivalent of the jolt of electricity a defibrillator delivered. ‘Dramatic, isn’t it?’

  ‘I’ve never seen it,’ Tom said wistfully. He checked his pager and then edged closer to the doctors. ‘Mind if we hang around and watch?’

  ‘Watch what?’ The patient was looking alarmed. ‘What are you going to do to me?’

  ‘Nothing scary,’ the registrar assured him. ‘The first thing we’re going to do is to get you to blow through this straw. As hard as you can for as long as you can.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Sometimes it’s enough to fix whatever it is that’s making your heart go too fast.’

  A nurse came in, looking apologetic. ‘Can I borrow the IV trolley for a minute? We haven’t got one.’

  Zoe smiled at her and stood back to let her pass. She looked up at the same time, only to find that Teo was no longer ignoring her. His face had that kind of detached, professional expression she had seen before. Like when he’d been with her and Alisi in Finn’s office while they’d discussed Sefa’s prognosis. The kind of look that said he was uninvolved enough on an emotional level to be able to deliver the medical care needed. The way he intended to stay uninvolved with anyone. Especially her.

  Zoe tore her gaze away and turned back to watch the next stage of the management of Colin’s SVT. She hoped her pager would go off. Tom would get another opportunity to watch the powerful effects of adenosine. Surely things wouldn’t stay this quiet for much longer? She wanted to get back to the station in any case, in the hope of not being deployed on a late job.

  Not that things didn’t seem to be going well for her parents and Emma. She’d rung several times already today only to hear that Emma had had a nap and been taken for a walk to the park in her pram and that her parents had had no trouble in getting her to have her lunchtime bottle. Her father had sounded more relaxed with every call. Had he been expecting problems too? All Zoe wanted was for the day to be successful and…over. She wanted to get home and care for her baby herself. Maybe trying to have a career like this and be the kind of mother she knew she could be now was not going to work.

  Colin had had two attempts with the straw to no effect. The ECG screen showed his heart rate to have increased if anything and he was even more short of breath now after blowing so hard into a tiny space. They were getting ready to use the adenosine, which was a procedure that needed careful management. The drug had to be injected into the right arm to get to the heart as fast as possible and it had to be flushed with a good dose of saline. It required two people because it took two hands to push the plunger on the large syringe of saline fast enough.

  Zoe found herself as caught up as Tom as she watched the medical team position themselves and then count down to administering the drug.

  And, right at the critical moment, her pager sounded.

  No…it was her mobile phone.

  Horrified, Zoe slipped out of the resus area. She’d need to get outside to take the call because cellphones could disrupt things like IV pumps.

  She couldn’t help looking at the screen on her phone, however, and when she saw that it was her own home number, she had to answer it. Her father wouldn’t be calling her mobile unless it was some kind of emergency.

 
‘Dad? What’s wrong?’

  ‘Zoe…I .... Oh, God…I don’t know how to tell you this…’

  Zoe was near the glass board now. The place where Teo had introduced himself all those weeks ago. Where he had touched her for the first time when he’d taken her hand. The memory had no chance of making any kind of impact right now, however.

  ‘Just tell me,’ she breathed.

  ‘Your mother’s disappeared.’ There was a catch in his voice that sounded almost like a sob. ‘The car’s gone too.’

  Zoe could feel the blood draining from her face. She knew the answer to the question she was going to ask but she had to ask it anyway.

  ‘Where’s Emma?’

  ‘Not here… I think…no, I know that Celia’s taken her with her.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘She rang. She said…she said…don’t worry, I’ve got Zoe. I’m going to take good care of her.’

  I’ve got Zoe?

  Just how off the planet was her mother?

  ‘Call the police,’ Zoe said with icy calm. ‘I’m on my way.’

  Except she wasn’t. Not yet. A curious buzzing sound was already filling her head so that her voice sounded like it was coming from a long way away. It was quite possible that she was going to faint, she realised. She held her hand out, groping for something solid to hang onto.

  Something solid got hold of her first. Strong, solid arms. A face that was close to her own. A voice that sounded horrified.

  ‘Zoe. What’s wrong? What’s happened?’

  The buzzing in her head receded a little. Zoe used both her hands to push Teo away from her. Her breath came in short, sharp puffs as she backed away.

  ‘Emma’s gone,’ she gasped. She stared at Teo, a maelstrom of emotion sweeping through her. She wanted to scream. She wanted to collapse on the floor and sob. She wanted none of this to have happened because she had no idea how she was going to be able to cope with it.