Infinity: Based on a True Story

by Shanora Williams

  My head drops and a tight feeling develops in my chest.

  “I probably look like a zombie from The Walking Dead right now.”

  “Not at all,” Max retorts, defending my honor. “She’s probably just never seen anyone with the tubes. The device.” He turns toward me, confused now.

  “What?” I ask rapidly.

  “I just… I don’t get it. I mean, have you looked in the mirror lately?”

  “Yes. Plenty of times, asshat.”

  “Well you must not see what I see then.”

  I give him the evil eye.

  “Okay,” he backs himself up, “yes, I can tell you’ve lost some weight and that you’re insecure of your appearance now—that your hair may not be as thick as it once was and maybe your skin is a few shades paler, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still beautiful. Yes, Shannon, there are changes, but they were expected, so you can cut it out with calling yourself ugly, hideous, gross—whatever it is you call yourself these days.” He looks me over, and then his eyes lock on mine. “Trust me, you’re far from it.”

  Max’s eyes shimmer in the sunlight, as brown as whiskey. The sun gives them a glint of amber.

  “Whatever, Maxi Pad.” I pick up my spoon and distract myself by finishing my ice cream.

  I can still feel his eyes on me, roaming whatever’s left of my frail body. He still finds me attractive, and I can’t help but wonder how.

  So, maybe I’m not completely hideous, but when a girl goes through such a dramatic change in such a short period of time, insecurities are bound to consume her.

  “Do you wish he were here instead of me?”

  I whip my head up, matching his stare. “W-what?”

  “You heard me.”

  My brows narrow. “Why would you ask me that question?”

  “It’s just a question. You can be honest with me.” He lets off a crooked smile, looking towards the streetlights and the building across from us. “It may hurt my feelings just a little but I’ll understand. I have no choice, right?”

  I study his face, the way he puts on a façade. “Max, I’m glad you’re here. Don’t ask me stuff like that. I—I can’t deal. Not right now.”

  “All right.” He holds his hands in the air. “You’re right. I shouldn’t be putting you in a position like that. I apologize.”

  Relief washes through me.

  “But you’re okay, though, right?” I look up. “I mean, I know you miss him, but you’re okay? You don’t feel too alone?”

  “No.” I reach for his hand, squeezing it. “With you and Sonny around I think I’ll be okay until he gets back.”

  He nods his head, pulling his hand away. When he stands I look at him inconspicuously watching as he digs into his back pocket.

  “Sonny told me a few days ago that John would be leaving, and that she would be gone in a few days too and that you’ll be stuck here with a nurse you don’t even know.”

  “Yeah? And?”

  “And I don’t like the idea of that.”

  “Well there’s not much you can do about it, Max. It’s already been planned, plus I can’t really go anywhere else.”

  “There’s always something.” Wiggling his eyebrows, he pulls out a sheet of paper from his back pocket, slamming it on the table in front of me. “Now, before you look at what I’m about to show you, just promise me one thing?”

  “What is it?” I ask, struggling to push his hand away.

  He doesn’t budge. I give up, dropping my hands with exaggeration. “Just promise me something.”

  I look up, meeting content eyes. “What?”

  “Promise me you’ll think about it.”

  I watch his face for a brief moment. He waits for me to promise, but I don’t because I have no clue what I’m promising him.

  Knowing I won’t respond right away, he uncovers the paper and I snatch it up, reading over it.

  My heart pounds, the bass heavy in my ears. Pulse whooshing. Breath thickening. “Max… what the—” I can’t finish. I’m too focused on the fine print. “Paris? You got flight tickets to… fucking Paris?”

  “I told you I would take you one day. I like to keep my promises.”

  I squeal, hopping to my feet and he catches me in his arms as I throw mine around his neck. “Oh my god! I can’t believe you did this for me!”

  He laughs over my shoulder.

  Pulling away, I pick up the paper again, thrilled one moment but reality sets in the next.

  My excitement transitions to guilt. My heart no longer races out of exhilaration, but apprehension.

  “Wait—Max, even if I wanted to go, I can’t. This is hours away. John would never approve and Dr. Barad wouldn’t even give me the green light to go.” I hand the paper back to him, defeated.

  He doesn’t take it. “I talked to Dr. Barad the day I took you to the park. Caught him right before he left your place and asked about it. He knows there is a risk, but he didn’t exactly turn it down. He thinks it’s a good idea.”

  My eyes light up at his response.

  He continues. “I didn’t reach out to you the past week because for one, Sonny told me to back off. But the main reason is because I was keeping in touch with Dr. Barad. He did some check ups on you, and told me you were stable enough. He recommended a doctor that he knows in Paris that can send updates—one that you can see daily while we’re there. Gave me all his information and told me as long as you’re in first class and you take your OPX tank thingy, and don’t do too much walking around, you should be good.”

  “You’re kidding!”

  His head shakes, a smug smile on his lips. “I’m not kidding.”

  I squeal again, catching the eye of a few bystanders. Max holds my shoulders, calming me down before I can get too carried away.

  But then something else comes to mind, and it hits me like a freight train. I remember the other half of it. The hard part. The most important part of all.

  I whip my head up to look at Max. “What about John? Did you ask him?”

  “I… didn’t talk to John.”

  My smile drops. “You didn’t ask him?”

  “No.” He shrugs. “I figured you could make your own decisions. And this is why I asked you to promise me you’d think about it. Because I know you will most likely ask or tell John and let him get to your head.”

  “I have to tell him. If I do decide to go and I don’t tell him he’ll freak out!”

  Max scratches the scruff on his jaw. “I understand, Shakes.” He steps forward, holding one of my cheeks as his brown eyes nearly melt. “Listen, I’m not demanding you to come but I think you deserve to go. This was all you could talk about years ago. I want to be the one to take you there. Not him. Me. Because I promised this. I owe you this dream, Shannon.”

  Our gazes bolt. “Max… I—I don’t know if I can…”

  “You can. The decision is yours. Like I said, I can’t force you to do anything and I won’t be upset if you decide you don’t want to. Regardless of your choice, I will still be here. I can give the tickets to someone else—Sonny and her fiancé maybe. But think about it this way: just like John went to fulfill a dream, you should be able to do the same, no matter what kind of condition you’re in. You have the doctor’s permission. You have Sonny’s permission. She wants this for you. We want this for you. We just want to keep you happy for as long as we can…”

  “Until the day I’m gone,” I whisper.

  He shuts his eyes for a brief moment, dropping his head with a pained expression on his face. “No. Until the day we meet again.”

  My tummy flutters.

  “Just think about it, Shakes.” He grabs my shoulders. “Be selfish for once. If anyone should be right now, it’s you.”

  Wow.

  Maybe he’s right.

  And you want to know the crazy part? Max’s words played like Ping-Pong in my mind for the rest of the day. Even when he was long gone and I was left in my bedroom, sitting in the cushioned round chair in fron
t of the bay window with my cellphone in hand, it was all I could think about.

  I considered it all.

  What if I called John and told him I was flying to Paris? Then what? He would never approve. He’d probably fly here first thing just to make sure I never left.

  Even if I were as healthy as a horse he wouldn’t allow me to go without him. He’d tell me to wait for him… for us to go together.

  Unfortunately time is not on my side. Which is why I haven’t called him. I stand, staring out the window and watching the setting sun. The splashes of pink and orange light up the sky in a calming manner.

  What if I could see the sun setting behind the Eiffel tower? Up close and personal? What if…

  I walk to my nightstand, taking out the necklace Max gave to me and carrying it to the window. I squint one eye as I hold out the tiny tower before me.

  The metal shimmers from a small streak of sunlight. It’s appealing… but it’s not the real thing.

  I gradually lower my arm, staring ahead. Contemplation circulates like oxygen through the blood stream, each scenario running through my head over and over again.

  What are my options?

  Stay or go?

  Leave or settle?

  Live or die?

  The last question settles it.

  I walk to my closet, tossing my cellphone on the bed along the way. I pull down a suitcase because I’ve come to my conclusion.

  I’m tired of holding back. I’m tired of holding my loved ones back, leaving them responsible for me. I’m tired of this dull life. I will be careful. I have no choice. I have to live.

  And I’ll start by fulfilling a dream.

  I’ll start by going to Paris.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Present

  After Sonny whips up some breakfast and packs her belongings unenthusiastically, I’m standing with her outside her car as she tosses her bags in the trunk.

  When she goes for the driver’s door, she pulls it open, stopping and looking at me before she dares getting inside.

  Her entire demeanor changes from reluctant to completely sad as she runs back and throws her arms over my shoulders, pulling me in for a tight hug.

  “Please, Shanny, be safe,” she begs me once more. She plants her chin on my shoulder, proof that she won’t be letting me go for a while. “I’m glad you’ve decided to tell John about this.”

  I return a tender, loving hug, sighing over her shoulder. “I know. I just wish he would answer. I’m running out of time.”

  “Well, if he doesn’t answer, just go. Don’t let that stop you. Just be safe over there, you know?”

  “Sonny, I’ll be fine. Stop it.”

  She pulls back, capping my shoulders and shaking me a little. “You don’t know that. You don’t know what can happen when you get over there. I wish I could go with you.”

  “I wish you could too but you have a soon-to-be husband to get to. Plus, you know he can’t stay home for too long by himself. Might burn the house down trying to cook.”

  I try keeping the situation light. Danny doesn’t want Sonny to go to Paris because it’ll be where they spend their honeymoon. She doesn’t know that, but I’m helping him keep it a secret. I’d hate to be the one to ruin the element of surprise because she decided to come early for my sake.

  She chokes on a laugh, head shaking as she releases me. “I can’t believe you still remember that.”

  “How can I forget? I’ve never met a man that doesn’t know how to grill hamburgers.” I grab her hands, smiling. “I promise if I don’t feel well you will be the first person I call. If I can’t, I’ll tell Max to call you.”

  “Okay.” She releases a breath, blowing upward and causing her bangs to swing. “Tell that fucker not to do anything stupid.” She lifts a fist. “If he does and I find out, he’ll be getting a mouth full of this.” She waves her fist in the air, demonstrating the consequence.

  I bust out in a laugh. “Trust me. He won’t. We’ve already talked about that and came to an agreement.”

  “Good.” She lowers her hand. She tugs me in again, hugging me hard. Then she pulls away, jumping in the car and blowing a quick air kiss. “Have fun,” she says through the passenger window.

  I step back. “I will.”

  “Call me when you get there!”

  “You got it!” I blow her a quick air kiss and she drives off. Just like that she’s gone and I’m watching her go, yard by yard, stuck in a trance, wondering just how she’ll go on without me when the time comes.

  I can’t help but think of Mom and how much better off we are without her…

  Two months ago

  “I got you some oatmeal.” My mother walked through the door, her skinny limbs bending as she sat beside me. I scowled at her, watching as she placed the oatmeal on the table next to me. “There’s raisins and brown sugar, just the way you used to eat it.”

  “I hate raisins now.”

  “Oh really?” She raised a brow, looking at me but not into my eyes. She quickly focused on the center of her lap, her dingy, ripped jeans. Her skin was chalky and wrinkled, her lips chapped. She looked horrible. “I didn’t know that. I guess things change after ten years, huh?”

  She tried laughing, making it a joke but I sat forward, causing John to stand from the sofa, most likely to tame me.

  I held my hand up, shaking my head. Yes, I was just coming off some medicine that heavily sedated me, I was tired and cranky and had been vomiting all morning, but I wasn’t letting her get by.

  “Why exactly did you come here?” My voice was dark and raspy. “What in the hell gives you the right to just show up like this?”

  I had no clue how she even found out where I was. I guess she’d done some digging, asked old friends or maybe she saw an article about John in the newspaper. She read the newspaper a lot when I was younger, checking which one of her friends had been pinned or busted for some illegal shit.

  My mother looked at me, shocked, pain deep in her bright gray eyes. I hated that they were so similar to mine. “I—I found out my daughter was dying.”

  “No, you found out I married a wealthy man. You knew I was dying and didn’t give a shit about that. I didn’t tell you anything about John, now all of a sudden I get a call about how you’d love to meet him?” I slouched back, crossing my arms tightly. “Bullshit.”

  She looked out the corner of her eye at John. John folded his arms, walking to the door. “I’ll give you two a minute.”

  “No.” I stopped him before he could make it to the door, keeping watch of her. She was no longer looking at me. Her focus had flown out of the window a long time ago. She scratched at her neck, her arms, her mangled, disgusting brown hair. She was a filthy addict. Scum. I couldn’t stand it. “Don’t even bother. She was just leaving.”

  She finally met my eyes. “Shannon—”

  “Get out, Allie. Now.” I sat back, feeling a pain in my chest but for the first time it wasn’t from the meds or the OPX. My mother stood, reaching for her knockoff purse beside her chair, eyes glistening.

  “Okay. I’ll come back tomorrow. Maybe you’ll feel a little better. I heard that X stuff they have you on gives you bad side effects, makes you feel bad or something like that.”

  I scoffed and sat forward again as she grabbed the door handle. “No, I don’t think you get it.”

  She blinked.

  “You left me and Sonny to look out for ourselves. We got sent to a group home—we would’ve been split apart if I hadn’t stepped up and gotten countless fucking jobs just to survive. Grandma took us in but she was sick. She couldn’t do much and you knew that. You were too much of a bitch to give custody to Aunt Jessie. I mean, yeah, she was sick too, but she would’ve been a better fit for us. At least she had retirement money. She would’ve taken care of us. Shit, if it weren’t for her we wouldn’t have made it past grandma.” I shook my head. “I was sixteen when she died, Mom. Sixteen with three fucking jobs. Behind on school because I was taking c
are of my baby sister and myself. I’m lucky I even graduated.”

  She looked me over. “W-what are you saying, Shannon?”

  “I’m saying I never want to see you again. I don’t need you in my life. You weren’t there before, when we needed you most, so I definitely don’t need you now. Sonny is finally gaining stability—finally living her life the way she should. She doesn’t even know you’re here. I think it’d be best to keep you out of the picture. If she wants to see you on her own, she can. But I won’t allow you to just barge back in, acting like everything is just fine. I won’t, Allie. You lost that right the day you decided selling drugs was more important than taking care of your daughters. And you wanna know the worst part of all this?”

  She looked at me, waiting for me to finish.

  “The worst part is you haven’t asked about her once since entering this room. You’re still the same. You only care about yourself. You’ll never change.”

  Allie’s face was tear-stained by the time I was done talking. I wasn’t sure if she was hurt by my words, or just upset that she didn’t get any money to book a hotel for the night, so I told John to give her the money I had in my overnight bag and then I told her never to come back—that I’d die without her, just like I lived.

  I can’t lie.

  I kind of regret it, but deep down I’m angry with my mother.

  I’m angry with her because I wanted to grow up with her like a normal teenage girl. Because there was a time when I looked up to her and respected her—before all of the drugs and near-death experiences over deals.

  My mother meant the world to me, but then I realized her faults and even more so, I realized that she loved drugs and money more than her own two daughters. She chose Dad over us, but when Dad overdosed on cheap heroin, she cared even less about our stability.

  Dad was great. He loved us with all his heart, but lost his job as a mall security guard, leaving him to depend on his wife to take care of the family while he job-hunted.