by Lisa Carter
“I was afraid you wouldn’t understand.” Anna threw out her hands. “Just like you never accepted Mateo.”
Everett folded his arms across his barrel chest. “Whose fault was that, Anna?”
Her eyes blazed. “I was afraid you’d try to talk me out of it. Looks like I was right.”
Everett jabbed his finger. “You never gave us a chance to know that marine you married. Same song, second verse.”
Her breathing had gone shallow. Her face, an unnatural color. She shook like a beech tree in a winter gale.
Ryan took her hand. “This isn’t good for Anna. Or the baby.”
Everett rounded on him. “You stay out of this. In fact, why don’t you hit the road? Stay out of our business, Savage.”
Gail Pruitt put her hand to her throat. “We need to talk this through as a family.”
Her father glowered at his sons. “Congratulations on the conspiracy of silence. I expected better from you boys.”
Will shook his head. “There was no conspiracy, Dad.”
“Don’t blame them. I asked them to keep quiet until I could tell you myself.” She slumped. “Only it took me longer than I’d figured to gather my courage.” Her gaze flicked between her parents. “With good reason.”
Her father planted his hands on his hips. “Don’t you dare blame your mother and me for the choices you’ve made.”
“I don’t regret any of my choices. Neither marrying Mateo or carrying his child. They were my choices to make, and I made them.”
Ryan winced at the stubborn note in her voice. The situation had taken a turn for the worse. Snowballed out of control.
“In case you’re w-wondering, Dad.” Her voice quavered. “The baby is a girl.”
Her mother’s face crumpled. “Why did you shut us out, Anna?”
“I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused you, Mom. Dad, I never meant...” Anna choked back a sob.
Everett placed his arm around his wife. “I think we’ve said everything we need to say. What’s done is done.” Her father threw a heated glance Ryan’s way. “Weren’t you leaving?”
Ryan experienced a sudden sympathy for the young, dead marine. He turned toward the door.
“Wait, Ryan.” Defiance glinted in Anna’s eyes. “I’m leaving, too.” She stumbled out the door.
The door closed with a soft click behind them. Raised, angry voices erupted from within the normally tranquil Pruitt home. Closing her eyes, she swayed.
“Let me drive you home, Anna.”
“No.” She pulled out of his grasp. “I need to be alone.” She inhaled sharply. “I want to be alone right now.”
Alone? Was he deluding himself about a possible future with Anna? Her father had made an excellent point regarding Anna’s past pattern of behavior.
The downside of her fierce independence was a prideful unwillingness to admit she needed help. When she desperately needed it most, she cut herself off from those who loved her most.
Was he fooling himself, imagining something between them? Perhaps he was reading too much into what they’d shared over the last month. Into what she hadn’t said.
Doubt ate away at his stomach. His head throbbed. And as he tucked Anna safely into her car, he’d never felt so alone. So cold. Or as empty.
Chapter Seventeen
That night Anna dreamed of Mateo.
Vivid. Painful. Bittersweet. His voice fading, his features becoming less distinct. In the dream, no matter how hard she ran toward him, he remained just out of reach. Until in the end, he was simply gone.
Heart thumping, she jerked awake with a vague sense of loss. She placed her shaking hand atop their child. Proof of what they’d been together.
The essence of Mateo’s life went on. The best part of him would always remain with her. She’d never lose him completely.
Ruby lay quiet within her. Untroubled by the grief that beset Anna. She rubbed her hand over her stomach.
The hurt in her mother’s eyes and the disappointment in her father’s face had been a blow. Distance had yawned between her and Ryan as they walked across the square to her car.
Unable to sleep, she threw aside the covers and swung her feet over the side of the bed. Her legs quivered like jelly. Her ankles were already swollen as if she’d been standing for hours. Or running.
She watched the dawn of Christmas Eve break open the sky. A flock of blackbirds scratched at the withered brown grass. The anticipated cold front had arrived. Shivering, she warmed her hands around the mug of herbal tea to fight off the chill.
Bundled in extra layers, she checked the thermostat. The trailer felt as cold as it was outside. Like her heart.
She needed to throw off this melancholy. So despite feeling achy, she decided to clean the trailer from top to bottom. The phone rang several times. Each time, she paused in her cleaning frenzy. Listening to the shrill ring of her cell phone. But she didn’t answer.
Around lunchtime, she scrolled through the caller ID. The battery needed charging. She’d missed a half dozen calls. From Charlie. From Evy. From Ryan. None from her parents.
Her gut twisted, and she laid down the phone. Her heart hurt almost as much as her aching back. She’d probably overdone it. But idle hands only made for too much introspection.
She tackled the bathroom next. Squatting in the tub, she scoured every crevice. Climbing out carefully, she got on her hands and knees to scrub the peeling linoleum floor. Her loins felt heavy.
Finally taking a break, she pulled a cardboard box out from underneath the bed. Easing onto the floor, she pried open the box containing her life with Mateo. They’d been so in love. So confident of the future. She sifted through the remnants of what used to be her world.
She’d been a student at the university when she met the young marine stationed nearby. At the height of war, rumors abounded that he’d be deployed. Their moments together had been snatched from events out of their control.
Anna squeezed her eyes shut. She hated feeling out of control. Then and now. When Mateo received transfer orders to a base in his home state of Texas, she’d refused to be left behind.
Without consulting her parents, they eloped. Denying her mother a chance to be part of the most important day in her only daughter’s life. Shutting them out for fear they’d try to talk her out of what she knew she had to do. No matter the cost.
Only now on the eve of becoming a mother herself did she grasp the betrayal they must’ve felt. The resentment her parents carried toward the man who in their eyes had taken their daughter from them. Which put Mateo on the defensive. After they married, it had been easier not to come home at all.
It shamed her to realize that the first time Mateo and her parents met had been at Mateo’s sickbed. When the cancer had ravaged the body of the once vibrant man she’d married. The grace they’d shown still amazed Anna. Humbled her. And what had she done in return?
Sent them on their way the day after the funeral. So she could put her plans in motion, even as she accepted the folded flag at Mateo’s burial. A plan to expunge her guilt for not giving Mateo what he’d wanted most while still alive.
But despite her headstrong willfulness, God had been gracious. Giving her this baby to love. Giving her far more than she deserved.
She closed the cardboard flaps. This box belonged to Ruby. A legacy from the father who would’ve loved her so much.
Anna rested her head against the mattress. She’d paid a price for loving Mateo when he died. And what about Ryan? Was the price of love too high? Maybe a cost she no longer had the strength to bear.
Overwhelmed, she rested her eyes. But at the sound of loud caws outside the window, she blinked awake. Disoriented, she glanced at the clock on the bedside table. She must’ve dozed off.
Muscles stiff, she got on h
er knees. And using the bed as a support, she towed herself upright. She hung on to the bedpost, slightly nauseous. Ruby hadn’t moved since—
Gravel crunched outside the trailer. She twitched aside the curtain as Ryan’s Saab parked in the driveway. A dull ache throbbed in her heart. It was nearly dark outside. What should she do about Ryan? What should she say?
But deep inside, she knew what she must do. What she needed to say would hurt him. Yet no matter how much she longed for the safety of his love, she couldn’t ask him to stay and deny him his dream.
The path she’d chosen for herself wasn’t his to walk. It was a path she must walk alone. After everything he’d sacrificed, she wouldn’t hold him back.
It would be so easy to hold on to Ryan. Especially with the turmoil between her and her parents. But her life was a mess, in chaos. And to hold on to him would destroy any chance he had for a new life.
Yet she could never acknowledge to him the real reason she was giving up on them. He’d never put his job ahead of her and Ruby. And so she had to think of another way to make sure he didn’t ruin his life. She had to convince him she didn’t care for him.
He wouldn’t understand. He’d be angry. But she mustn’t weaken. She must do what she should’ve done from the beginning. She rubbed her forehead. The right thing.
Sending Ryan away for good this time. For his good, most of all.
* * *
When Anna opened the trailer door, Ryan was filled with a sudden misgiving. He’d spent the previous night battling his own doubts, but determined to trust their relationship. The pallor of her face and the shadows in her eyes sent alarm bells clamoring through him.
He’d called her, but she hadn’t picked up. He wasn’t worried at first. After the incident with her parents last night, she had a lot to process. Yet as the afternoon dragged into early evening, his willingness to give her space eroded into a gnawing anxiety.
“Why are you here, Ryan?”
He stuffed his hands into his coat pockets. Not the reception he’d been hoping for. Something was wrong. Very wrong.
On shift, Charlie had called Ryan to see if he’d spoken with Anna. Emotions had been high last night. Too high. Anger, betrayal, hurt—a cauldron of swirling bitterness.
“What can I do to help?” He spoke through the open slat of the door. “How can I make things better for you?”
“This has nothing to do with you.” Her gaze dropped to her socked feet. Today, snowmen. “This is about me.”
Suddenly, everything he held dear was slipping away. Like water running through his fingers, he couldn’t hold on to Anna. He was losing her.
And he was desperate. Desperate to take away the expression in her eyes. Desperate for her to once again look at him as she had that night in the gazebo. When he’d believed they might be falling in love with each other.
He placed his foot inside the door. She stepped back, releasing her hold. “Can I come inside? Please, Anna?”
She retreated to stand beside the multicolored lights on the little potted Christmas tree.
His heart thudded. “I know everything looks bleak between you and your parents, Anna. But they love you, and they’ll love this baby, too.”
Why wouldn’t she look at him?
“Just give it time, Anna.”
As his hand brushed her arm, her dark espresso eyes lifted. For a fraction of a second, meeting his. With an intensity that stole his breath. And something else. Something that terrified him. Something that spoke of finality.
Her lips parted. He recalled their first kiss. Was it only yesterday? It felt like a lifetime ago.
Ryan stepped forward. Ready to sweep her into his arms. To soothe away the hurts. To love her.
But she didn’t move. Instead, her gaze traveled away. Lingering on the cradle he’d made for Ruby.
“I—I...” Anna cleared her throat. “I think I’ve run out of time.”
His stomach knotted. “Anna...”
She shook her head. “I think we’ve run out of time.”
This couldn’t be happening. Not after everything they’d shared. Not after the challenges they’d overcome.
“I know you’re scared about the future. I’m scared, too. But together...” His voice croaked. “With God all things are possible. We can make a life together. A wonderful life.”
He strained forward. Willing her to remember what they meant to each other. He couldn’t bear to lose her now.
“Real life doesn’t work that way, Ryan.”
“God brought us together again, Anna.” He clenched his hands at his sides to hide their trembling. “We’re meant to be together.”
A vein pulsed in the hollow of her beautiful neck. “I can’t do it. I can’t open myself up to someone again. I can’t face the hurt.”
“I’d never hurt you, Anna.” He swallowed. “I love you.”
She closed her eyes. “Don’t say that.”
“Look at me, Anna.” His tone roughened. “You love me, too. I know you do.”
She opened her eyes. “Love is a choice. A choice I made once before. A choice I refuse to make again. Hurt—no matter how much you deny it—is inevitable.”
He had to do something. Stay calm and make her see... “I’m not going to die like Mateo.”
Anna laughed, a short, clipped sound. “Mateo didn’t believe he’d die, either. But he did.”
“So you’re going to cocoon your heart forever on the off chance someone is going to leave you?” Despite his determination to remain calm, anger laced his words.
“I’m not strong enough to survive another loss, Ryan.”
“What kind of life is that, Anna?” He scrubbed his hand over his face, dislodging his glasses. “What kind of life is that for Ruby?”
She framed her belly with her hands. Shutting him out. Protecting Ruby from him. “I should’ve never—”
“You love me.” He straightened his glasses. “This is about you being scared of losing control.” He didn’t know what to do with his hands. “Love is a choice to trust each other more than you need to be in control.”
She lifted her chin. “I can only trust in my love for my baby. There’s no room for anyone else.”
His eyes burned. “Love doesn’t have to work that way, Anna.”
“This was a mistake, Ryan. We are a mistake.”
He reeled as if she’d slapped him.
She squared her shoulders. “I can never repay you for what you’ve done for me.”
“You don’t owe me.” Her words sparked a fuse inside him. “I did everything because I love you. Because I want us to be a family.”
“We can never be a family, Ryan. I can never love you the way you want because...” She took a deep breath. “Because I will never stop loving Mateo.”
He staggered. What he’d feared from the beginning. Flaying open the root of his insecurity. The resignation in her eyes drained the last of his resistance. A living man he could fight. The memory of a dead hero he could not.
“You should go.” Anna moved past him. “There’s really nothing to keep you in Kiptohanock past Christmas. You should take the job in North Carolina.”
This couldn’t be how it ended between them. This was like a nightmare from which he couldn’t awake.
“I probably won’t see you again before you leave. This is for the best. A clean break. A fresh start.” She gulped. “For both of us.”
She didn’t love him. She didn’t want him in her life or Ruby’s. This wasn’t the Christmas he’d envisioned. This wasn’t the future he’d hoped to share with Anna.
He was so stupid. Blinded by his feelings for her. This is what came from letting down his walls. Had he learned nothing after what happened with Karen? He’d been about to give up, yet again, the life he’d
worked so hard to return to.
Thank God, he hadn’t yet called Mr. Carden or his boss in North Carolina.
By blurting out how much she’d come to mean to him, he’d lost her friendship, as well. And the chance to be a part of Ruby’s life. A hollow pit opened in his heart.
He extended his hand. “Can I say goodbye to Ruby?”
Anna’s eyes glittered, but she nodded.
His fingertips brushed the fabric of the red wool sweater. Beneath his touch, Anna quivered.
“Goodbye, little one.” His vision blurred.
“Ryan...” Anna laid her hand over his for an instant. “I’m so sorry.”
Flinching, he pulled away. “Goodbye, Anna.”
And stumbled out the door as night descended. Falling like a cloak over the sky. A deep darkness as heavy as his heart. As bleak as the life he was destined to live alone.
Without Anna. Without Ruby. Without love.
Chapter Eighteen
The red taillights of Ryan’s car disappeared into the night. Anna hadn’t expected the pain lashing her heart to hurt so deeply. As if a part of her had died—as if an essential organ had been taken from her.
Phantom pain? Veterans missing limbs spoke of the strange ache—a throbbing pain where none should exist. And she wondered if the heart worked that way, too.
Her heart had broken at the stunned look on his face. At the pain she caused him. But she couldn’t turn back now.
She’d done the right thing in setting him free. He deserved better than someone’s widow. More than someone else’s child. Yet she could hardly bear the wrenching despair in his eyes when she sent him out of her life for good.
A snowflake drifted from the sky. The snowflake became two. Then, as if an atmospheric switch had been flipped, more flurries than she could count.
Just in time for Christmas. But she felt only a hollow emptiness. Had Ryan been by her side, they would’ve run outside together to revel in the glorious display of winter’s splendor.
He was the one person with whom she could share anything and everything. The pain in her back fisted. Ryan’s friendship was the true constancy in her life.
