It's My Life

by Melody Carlson

  “I–I don't know,” I finally said, fighting to hold back the tears. Her words really cut deeply, but my pride kept me from wanting to admit this hurt. “But the thing is,” I try, sounding weak. “I don't think anyone should tell anyone else how to live her life. I think it's a private thing between her and God.”

  “Well, if that's true, then why do you even have friends or parents or pastors? Why do we bother to talk about things?”

  “I don't know.” I stood up, trying not to show how upset I felt, but failing miserably. “And right now I'm wondering why I even bothered to talk to anyone about this.” I walked over to the door. “And you can be sure, I won't again!”

  “Oh, don't get mad, Caitlin,” she started. “I'm sorry–”

  But it was too late. I was outta there.

  I drove around all afternoon. And now I'm kicking myself because I never did go in to see Jenny. But I will tomorrow, somehow, even if I have to get off work to do it. I didn't get back home until after dark, and then I went straight to my room. Oddly enough, no one even bothered me. I suppose they think if they leave me alone, I'll cool off and come to my senses and forget all about this Mexico nonsense.

  DEAR GOD, I'VE PROBABLY MESSED THINGS UP A LOT BY OPENING MY BIG, STUPID MOUTH TODAY. BUT I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO GO DOWN TO MEXICO TO FEED THOSE KIDS. IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT? I MEAN, I'VE BEEN THINKING THAT IF YOU'RE CALLING ME TO BE A MISSIONARY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEXICO? DEAR GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CALLING ME TO BE A MISSIONARY? OR HAVE I JUST IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE CALLING ME, I'M WILLING. I JUST NEED YOU TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO. AND I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GO DOWN AND APOLOGIZE TO MY PARENTS FOR BEING DISRESPECTFUL TODAY. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I TRULY BELIEVE YOU WANT ME TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET AND TO FOLLOW YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE, EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND IT. BUT I JUST NEED FOR YOU TO MAKE IT CLEAR WHAT YOUR WILL IS. PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND. AMEN.

  Anyway, I did go downstairs and apologize to my parents. I didn't say much except that I didn't mean to be so disrespectful. They were very sweet about the whole thing, and they even apologized too. Thankfully we didn't talk about it anymore. But I did assure them that I was praying for God to lead me. And when I knew where He was leading, I would let them know, and hopefully they'd be supportive. In the meantime, I am keeping my mouth shut tight. I suppose I should call Beanie and apologize to her too, but it's pretty late now, and I hate to wake up little Oliver. I'll just talk to her tomorrow.

  SEVENTEEN

  Monday, October 15 (amazing stuff!)

  Beanie seemed to be sulking today. I told her I was sorry about walking out on her like that, but that she'd hurt my feelings. And although she did apologize, it seemed sort of halfhearted like she didn't really care, which I must admit hurt my feelings all over again. I mean, she's the one who said most of that stuff in the first place. How could she have expected me to just stand there and take being mercilessly railed on by my “best friend”? I mean, aren't best friends supposed to side with you and not your parents? Like, what's up with that?

  Well, trying to forget about this thing with Beanie, I went to work as usual after school, but when I got there I explained to Rita about Jenny (making her promise confidentiality–not that she knows the Lamberts or anything). I told her how I'd missed visiting Jenny yesterday and how it would mean a lot to go see her today, and Rita said, “No problem; you go ahead and you can take the whole afternoon if you like, it's been dead around here all day anyway.”

  So I drove over to West Haven by myself, wondering what I was getting myself into. I mean, it had been tough enough going with Beanie (and she really was a big help). What would it be like to visit there all on my own? But I decided to just pray about the whole thing as I drove along, and during that time it felt as if I put it all in God's hands. A huge relief.

  And as a result of putting it in God's hands, you won't believe what happened next!

  I'd barely sat down when Jenny asked me where Beanie was. Well, I apologized for that, saying how I'm sure Beanie would've liked to come, but how it was probably my fault for getting into a little squabble with her yesterday.

  “What did you guys fight about?” she asked with a lot more interest than she'd shown during our last visit.

  Relieved that she was at least trying to support her end of the conversation today, I decided to just go ahead and tell her the whole moronic story. I thought if nothing else, it might help kill time or even make her laugh. And to tell the truth, I wanted something to distract me from this strange girl who was sitting across from us. She just kept staring at me, then making all these odd twisty faces and weird sounds. All of which didn't seem to faze Jenny in the least. I guess she's gotten used to the freaky stuff that goes on there. I sure don't know if I ever could.

  Finally, I finished the story, not even sure if Jenny would really comprehend or even care. I mean, why should she–she's got enough problems of her own. But when I was done, she nodded just like she'd actually taken it all in and understood perfectly.

  “I know exactly how you feel, Cate,” she said with sincerity. “It's so frustrating when your parents try to take over your life. I mean, that's just how it is with my parents. It's like, they've decided where I'll go to college, what I'll major in, and now they'd even like to tell me what and when to eat, not to mention who I should hang with, and how I should talk and dress. Sheesh, I wouldn't even be surprised if they've already gotten me secretly engaged to one of their friends' sons by now.”

  I had to laugh at that. “So you know what I'm talking about then.”

  “Yeah, it's like your parents think just because they brought you into this world that they own you body and soul. Like, you should've seen my mom wigging out last summer when I told her I wasn't going out for cheerleading this year. I mean, she acted as if I'd announced that I was dropping out of school or something. And the truth is, I was just sick to death of all that stuff. I mean, I've done it for years now. And I just wanted to be my own self for a change–not my mommy's pretty little puppet girl. But do you think she understands any of that, even now with me sick like this?” Jenny pushed a dark strand of hair from her misty eyes and looked around the stark day room. “I mean, even in here, she still wants to control me.”

  “Do you think that has anything to do with why you quit eating?”

  She looked down at her hands in her lap. “Well, that's what my shrink suggested.”

  I reached over and touched her shoulder. “But you know your parents don't own you, Jenny. Don't you?”

  “Sometimes I think I do. Other times, I'm not so sure. I mean, think about it. They're the ones who pay for everything. They put a roof over my head, buy my clothes. And they'll pay my college tuition. Right now they pay for my care here, which, my dad keeps lovingly reminding me, is not covered by insurance and is not cheap.”

  I glanced around nervously, thinking perhaps she didn't really need this kind of stressful conversation that I'd brought on. But then again, maybe she did. “But if you had to, Jenny, I'm sure you could support yourself without your parents. Not that you'd ever need to do that.”

  She shook her head. “I'm not so sure.”

  “I bet you could, Jenny.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” Then she studied me curiously. “Caitlin, do you really, truly think you could just pack it all up and take off for Mexico to feed those garbage dump kids like you said? I mean, not just talking, but for real.”

  I carefully considered her question, then tried to answer as honestly as I knew. “I think if that's what God was calling me to do, then with God's help I could probably do it.”

  “Even if your parents totally disowned you?”

  “Well, I don't think they–”

  “But what if they did?”

  “Then I'd just have to follow my heart and simply do what I believed God was telling me to do.”

  “But how would you get by? I mean, where would you get money to live and stuff?”

  “I'd j
ust have to trust God for everything I needed. I'd have to trust Him to take care of me as well as provide what I needed to give to the kids. I know it probably sounds crazy–”

  “No, not totally.”

  I smiled. “Actually, I think it would be kind of exciting. That is, if I was absolutely certain it was God's will for me to do it. And I think it'd be fun.”

  “Yeah, it sounds kind of fun to me too.”

  ”Really?” I stared at jenny in disbelief. Was she pulling my leg?

  “Yeah, I really do. And I can guess what you're thinking right now. You're probably wondering how a girl who cannot even feed herself might ever imagine that she could go down there and help feed all those starving Mexican children. Right?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, sort of.”

  “Well, I've been actually thinking about those starving kids the last couple days and thinking how they'd probably give anything for all the food I've just thrown away during the last six months or so. And let me tell you, that makes me feel totally rotten.”

  “That's not good.”

  “Yeah, but more than that, it makes me feel really furious too. Not just angry with myself, but at my parents as well. I mean, I realize this whole thing isn't totally their fault. I'm the one who originally quit eating. But according to my shrink, and I'm starting to believe him too, a large part of this is the result of how they've treated me.”

  I nodded. “From what I've read, I think you're probably right about that.”

  “And yet, I know that I'm the only one who can fix this mess I've gotten into. It's pretty much up to me right now.”

  “Yeah, Jenny, but I really believe that God can help you too.”

  “Well, it might surprise you to know that I've actually been thinking about God lately.”

  “Really?”

  She nodded firmly. “And I told myself yesterday, if you and Beanie came back here again, I was going to ask you both to pray for me. Right here. Just like the time you prayed for me at my house. Remember?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So would you?”

  ”Pray? Of course. I've been praying for you a lot.”

  “I can tell.”

  So then I just sat there and bowed my head and prayed for her. Even with that girl making all her weird noises in the background. I prayed for several minutes, and just before I finished, I even prayed for that girl. And then I waited quietly for a few moments, just in case Jenny wanted to actually pray too. But it didn't seem like she did, so I just said “Amen,” and then looked up to see her crying once again.

  But this time, it didn't seem like that same kind of crying as before. For some reason I felt there was a little bit of hope mixed in with her tears. Then I reached over and hugged her for a long moment. And I could tell she really appreciated it.

  “You know what I did just before you said amen?” she asked as she wiped her nose with a kleenex.

  I shook my head, still feeling somewhat amazed about what had just happened.

  “Well, I didn't actually say the words out loud, but silently, and in my heart, I asked God to just take over my life and do something with it.”

  “Oh, Jenny, that's so great!” Now I started crying too and hugged her all over again. “And He will, Jen. I promise you, if you let God, He really will!”

  “I believe that now.”

  “I'm so happy for you!” Then I noticed the girl across the room. To my surprise, she was just sitting quietly now, still watching us, but she seemed more peaceful somehow.

  “And do you know what?” Jenny laughed a little. “My parents will probably really freak over this because they've always said that religion is a crutch for weak people. And they'll probably be all ashamed of me for giving in to it like this. But you know what? I don't even care what they think. And, to tell you the truth, I can't wait to tell them I'm a Christian now.” Then she frowned a little. “I am, aren't I? I mean, I didn't say the words out loud or anything, but won't it work just the same?”

  Then I quickly explained what I've heard Pastor Tony say so many times about how being a Christian simply means that you've invited Jesus Christ, God's Son, into your heart. “When I did it, I was all alone in my room and I can't even remember exactly what I said, but I think I wrote it all down in my diary. But basically I just gave my heart to God.”

  She nodded vigorously. “Yes, that's exactly what I meant when I prayed that. I hope that's enough.”

  I laughed. “Don't worry, Jen, that's enough. Now, you just need to keep praying and allowing God to lead you. And I'll bet He'll even help you to be able to eat food and get well.”

  She smiled what seemed a real and honest smile (and it was so good to see it). “I think He can help me through this, Catie. Somehow I really do.”

  Well, by then it was already a little after five o'clock and I wondered how two hours could pass so quickly. But I explained to her that I'd try to visit again this week, but that it might be tricky since visiting hours conflicted with my work schedule. She said it was all right and that she understood. Then I promised to come both days during the weekend and to call her if I couldn't come by during the week.

  “And maybe you and Beanie can patch it up,” she suggested. “Because I'd really like to see her again too.”

  So, let me tell you, I was flying higher than an over-filled hot air balloon as I drove home from West Haven. I was thinking, Hey, I am a missionary, after all! I mean, it's just like Pastor Tony said. God can use me to reach out to the people He's placed all around me. And, believe me, I give all the credit for what happened today with Jenny to God! And I think it's just totally cool!

  EIGHTEEN

  Friday, October 19 (busy week)

  What a totally fantastic week this has been! I got to go visit Jenny again yesterday (for just an hour) and it was absolutely great! She seems like her old self–only better! She's started eating again and she says it's because God is healing her. And she told me how this really nice nurse who works there (and who just happens to be a Christian) gave Jenny a New Testament Bible to read. And she's been reading it all week, which she says is making her mom pretty furious, although I suspect Mrs. Lambert tries to hide it. But Jenny says it makes no difference to her because this is her life. To which I say, Go girl! I'm so proud of her.

  Well, Beanie and I did sort of patch things up, but she still didn't go with me to see Jenny yesterday although she did promise she'd go tomorrow. We'll see. I'm not sure what's up with her, but something seems to be bugging her. Maybe tomorrow we can talk it out.

  Something else has been going on this week too. Trent, my partner in the psychology project, has become very interested in hearing about God. It seems like it's all we talk about. And he even wants to get together with me this weekend to talk some more. Okay, now I'll admit this concerned me a little at first, because I'm thinking, is he really interested in God, or is he interested in me? Now I'm not trying to be all narcissistic or anything, but I realize that I do need to watch out for these kinds of things. Anyway, I explained to him today that I'd be happy to talk to him more, and I even invited him to church, but I made it clear that I don't date. This seemed to really amuse and intrigue him, and he wants to hear more about that too. So, we're going to meet at the library tomorrow night (we also need to do some additional research for the project), and I'll try to answer all his questions as best I can.

  But to be totally honest about this whole thing, I must say that Trent is a very nice looking guy (in that Tom Cruise sort of way), and not only that, but he seems really sensitive and kind and caring. And also intelligent. He's enjoying our psychology class so much he's considering majoring in it in college. And all this to say that, yes, if I were a girl who wanted to date, this is just the sort of guy I might go for (that is, if I weren't a Christian because he is definitely NOT). I suppose this troubles me a little. I mean, it would feel lots better and safer if I were meeting a geekish sort of guy at the library tomorrow. And it's not that I think Trent would necessa
rily try to pull anything, but maybe more that I just don't totally trust myself yet. But then I'm thinking that's pretty ridiculous. Besides, we're just meeting to talk and to study. That's all! So I guess I'm just being overly paranoid about the whole thing. Maybe it has to do with the role I've been playing in our psychology project. I'm now role playing that I'm the paranoid Christian girl who thinks everyone is out to get her. Pretty funny, really. As long as it just doesn't actually rub off on me!

  Saturday, October 20 (what a day!)

  Sheesh, so much has happened today that I'm not even sure if I can get it all down. But I guess I'll just start at the beginning and work my way through.

  Well, the day started out pretty weird (I mean after I did my Saturday chores and stuff). I went over to get Beanie to go have some lunch (and hopefully talk). And when I got there she was all by herself and crying. So I drove her over to the Bagel Shop and bought her lunch, and then gently asked her what was up.

  “I'm not supposed to say anything,” she said as she sipped hot chocolate and looked like she'd lost her best friend. Which I felt pretty sure she hadn't since I was sitting right across from her.

  “What do you mean you're not supposed to say anything?” I demanded with mild irritation. “I'm your best friend. We're not supposed to keep secrets from each other.”

  “I know. But I promised.”

  “Beanie, I guess I shouldn't push you to tell me something. I mean, if you really don't want to. But you're clearly miserable about something, and as your best friend, I only want to help.”