It's My Life

by Melody Carlson

  But anyway, she was also boo-hooing that the lady who usually house-sits for her (keeping her plants and her ancient and beloved cat, Marigold, alive) just bailed on her saying she can't do it this year. So anyway, I've been talking to Grandma this week about the possibility of Beanie house-sitting for her (thinking that perhaps Jenny could join her too, if need be). And Grandma happens to really like Beanie (she always has), and she's noticed how Beanie's just wonder with Oliver (not to mention saving his life!), and she also thinks she was a real godsend to Steph. So anyway, she said she'd give this idea some serious consideration, and that she'd talk to Steph and see what she thought about the whole thing. And tonight, Grandma called me up and said she thinks it's a great idea, and she was, like, so glad I thought of it!

  Afterwards I tried to call Steph's to talk to Beanie, but the line was busy (probably the lovebirds saying good night). But I'm thinking Steph might've already told Beanie anyway. And now I'm just so happy and relieved that she has a place to live, besides with Lynn.

  Of course, I don't know that this will make any difference for Jenny (who goes home with her parents on Saturday), and I didn't even mention this other situation to Grandma yet, although I bet she'd be open to the idea. She's a pretty kind and understanding person. In fact, I'm wondering why I haven't been more involved with her lately. Because for an older lady, I think she's pretty cool!

  TWENTY

  Friday, October 26 (hard work)

  Tonight our youth group spent the whole evening (until after midnight) working on stuff for the Harvest Party that our church plans to give next week. It's like an alternative to Halloween for the kids, so they can come and do carnival games and stuff. We'll be working on it all weekend, but it's really pretty fun. And it's great having the whole youth group working together on something again. But now I'm so exhausted I don't think I can write another word.

  Saturday, October 27 (atheist meets youth group)

  Today, Trent called me up and asked if I had time to get together and talk with him tonight. And I told him I was working on the Harvest Party preparations, but if he wanted to come along and help, I'd be happy to talk with him. And since he sounded sort of down or depressed, I hated to just say no, forget it. But to my complete surprise, he agreed, and he turned out to be quite helpful in getting the Go Fish booth set up, then afterwards a bunch of us sat around and drank Dr. Pepper and talked until pretty late. Trent asked a lot of good (and hard) questions about God, and everyone was really honest and helpful. Trent seemed relieved that we didn't try to have an answer for every question or to explain everything to him. I mean, like who really knows how many animals were on Noah's ark or if the sand was wet where the Red Sea divided!?! And several times we just had to say that our belief in God is based on faith and trusting in things we can't always see. But that we know in our hearts that it's real and true and we wouldn't give it up for anything. And although Trent didn't like fall on his knees and get saved, he did thanks us for talking to him. And now I'm pretty sure the whole youth group will be praying for him. Takes a load off me!

  I had invited Jenny to join us tonight, but her mom said no. Big surprise there. But now I'm wondering if Mrs. Lambert plans on locking Jenny up until she graduates. And if she does, how long will it take until Jenny quits eating again? Oh man, would I like to give that woman a piece of my mind! What's up with parents these days anyway? I mean, Beanie's mom doesn't care at all. Jenny's mom seems to care way too much. Sheesh, my parents are looking better and better all the time. Although I still haven't raised the issue of what I think about becoming a missionary with them again.

  To be honest I'm almost afraid to consider the whole thing too much. But I have gotten some interesting books about missionaries (including the Jim Elliot one and one that his widow wrote too; now talk about an amazing woman–she stayed down there with their baby and continued to work with the very same indians that killed him!). Anyway, my interest in this whole thing is not going away. If anything, I think it's growing. And so I keep praying that God will lead me and direct me. I mean, I realize that college is important. But I also realize that those kids (at the dump) have very immediate needs. And it's some consolation to me when I send money every couple of weeks (by the way, I came up with the acronym: FAD for Food At the Dump, kind of silly, but it works). Anyway, there's still a strong desire inside me to actually go down to Mexico and live right there by the dump and to really roll up my sleeves and help care for those kids myself. And I think, what's wrong with that? But then I really do know what could be wrong (besides my concerns about codependency). I could be just doing what I want and not what God wants. And I realize how that could just totally blow up in my face. And so all I want is that God would show me what I need to do. In the meantime, I'll do everything I can think of to raise money for FAD.

  Wednesday, October 31 (boo!)

  Our Harvest Party was a screaming success tonight. And Jenny's mom surprised us all by letting Jenny out of her cage (as Jenny calls it) and allowing her to come help out at the party. I'm not sure if her mom knew it was a church-related thing or not since we held it at the VFW lodge. I think Jenny just told her it was for a good cause. Which, as it turns out, it was!

  My best surprise of the night was when the party was all over and we were cleaning up (man, what a mess!), and Pastor Tony walks in and announces that most of the proceeds will be donated to my Mexican FAD fund. Well, talk about happy! I couldn't believe it. Then even though I was tired, I worked extra hard.

  But another nice surprise was that Trent came tonight and actually helped out at the Go Fish booth. And he seemed to be having a really good time with the kids too. And I noticed he and Jenny sort of hit it off, which I must admit gave me some mixed feelings. Okay, I know I'm not interested in dating or having a boyfriend, but I admit that I've enjoyed his attention. Is that so wrong? Maybe. I'm not totally sure. But when I saw him joking with Jenny, I think I got just a teeny bit jealous. But I never showed it. And I quickly got over it. And now I kind of hope that they become friends. Who knows, maybe God will use Jenny to reach Trent! On the other hand, I just hope Trent doesn't pull Jenny down. Although she seems like she's getting stronger and stronger in her faith these days. It's weird how that works sometimes. It almost seems the harder a person's life is, the harder they hold on to God. Makes me think we all need to have a really hard life or something. Although I'm sure that's not really true. I guess we just need to realize how lost we all are without God, and then to appreciate how great it is to have Him! Even tonight, when I felt just a little “off” because of the thing between Jenny and Trent. But because I turned to God and shared those feelings, I suddenly felt so much better. And happy too.

  Saturday, November 3 (fun day)

  Last week, Tony and Steph invited Beanie and me to go out for dinner with them. And then, just as we sat down, Steph said she couldn't wait any longer and asked if we would consider being her bridesmaids. Well, we were both so surprised and honored–and of course we said yes! And today, we three went shopping for dresses.

  Fortunately (since there's not much time), Steph and Tony want to keep it simple and inexpensive so we only looked at dresses we could buy right off the rack. And wonder of wonders (I'm sure God had a hand in this), we found them all in one shop! Steph's dress is a tea-length gown of creamy white lace (it looks like something from the Victorian era), and Beanie and I will both wear tea-length satin dresses made of this luscious, coppery color that's sort of iridescent. Absolutely gorgeous (even if it isn't my best color). Steph wants everything to be in fall colors (golds, rusts, olives), and she plans on having chrysanthemums everywhere (she says they're cheap but pretty).

  Now, since our church meets in the school, this presented a small problem for the wedding location, but my mom suggested that Steph check into having the wedding at our old church (which has brick walls and stained glass and looks all very proper and churchlike), and both Tony and Steph agreed to this. Tony has a pastor friend coming fro
m New York to officiate, and it just seems like everything is falling right into place. As my grandma says (and she just left for Arizona today) “that's what happens when you live right.” Well, I'm not totally sure about that because I know there are lots of people who try to follow God and live right, yet have all sorts of trials and tribulations coming at them (you should read some of these missionary books I've got!). But I am totally glad for Steph's sake that it's going pretty smoothly (she's gone through enough hard stuff in her life) and it's good to see things falling into place for her now. She's a little sad to see Beanie moving out to my grandma's, but Steph understands. And it didn't hurt when Beanie and I offered to keep Oliver over there during the honeymoon after the wedding.

  So next weekend we'll look for shoes to go with our dresses. In the meantime, Beanie and I are planning a big wedding shower for Steph (we read in Bride magazine that the bridesmaids are supposed to do this), and we really don't have all that much time to get it together. We'll just invite friends from church and family and stuff, and Beanie wants to host the whole thing at Grandma's (which she already got permission to do). She will officially move in tomorrow. I'm going to help her, not that she has all that much to move, but it'll be fun seeing her get set up. I asked if she felt scared or nervous about living a house all by herself and she just laughed, then reminded me of some of the things that used to happen when she lived with Lynn. Yeah, living alone sounds a lot safer!

  Sunday, November 4 (moving day)

  After church, Beanie and I loaded my car with everything she had at Steph's and took it over to Grandma's house. It was kind of weird watching Beanie pull out the key and unlock the door as if she lived there (which she does!), but I suppose I'll get used to it. Then Beanie asked if we could swing by Lynn's place to get some of the things that Beanie had never moved (since Steph's apartment was pretty crowded) so we drove over to Lynn's.

  “I sure hope we don't see that Harley parked in the yard,” said Beanie. “I'm not really looking forward to meeting this loser.”

  I was actually hoping that no one would be home. I never enjoyed seeing Lynn, and I know how hard it could be on Beanie. But when I pulled up we saw Lynn's old beater car sitting in the driveway. “No motorcycle,” I said, trying to sound positive. “Do you want me to come in and help?”

  “Do you mind?”

  “No.” Not really a lie. I mean, I didn't mind helping Beanie although I did mind having to talk to Lynn.

  Beanie knocked on the door and we waited for a pretty long time. Then finally Lynn opened the dor and we both just stood there and stared. Lynn, still in her bathrobe, had a swollen and cut lip, a badly bruised check, and a black eye.

  “What happened to you?” asked Beanie in a flat voice.

  “What do you want?” snarled Lynn.

  “I came to get my stuff,” said Beanie, folding her arms across her front.

  “What stuff?”

  “My things,” said Beanie, growing impatient. “Things I left in my room.”

  Lynn stood there, her eyes narrowed, just staring at the two of us. Then she stepped aside, letting the door swing open and said, “Well, come on in, girls. As you can see, I cleaned especially for you.”

  Well, the place looked just as bad (maybe worse) as the last time we'd been there (when we'd cleaned and made our quick getaway over the back fence), only now the air was especially stale from having been closed up due to the cooler weather and the whole place reeked of cigarette smoke. I silently followed Beanie to her room where she told me what to take. I could tell this was stressing her out and tried to be as helpful and supportive as possible. It took quite a few trips since she didn't have any boxes to put things in.

  On my last trip through the house, I noticed Lynn sitting on the sofa with her head hanging down and looking about as dejected as I've ever seen anyone look. And suddenly, I'm not sure what happened, but it seemed like I saw her in a whole new and different light. Maybe it was God giving me a glimpse of the way He sees her. But suddenly I was looking at her, and she just seemed like a broken little girl. A poor, abused little girl, who was lost and confused and desperately needed someone to love her. Well now, it's no secret that I've never had a good relationship with that woman, but right then and there, I silently prayed that if I was supposed to say something that I'd know what it was, and that I'd be able to say it. So I paused for a moment, then said, “Lynn, it looks like life has been treating you kind of rough lately.”

  She looked up at me and sort of squinted like she wasn't even sure who I was or why I was standing in her living room, then she said, “When hasn't life treated me rough?”

  I nodded, trying very hard to remember that little girl and to show sincere empathy. “I know; it must be pretty hard.”

  She ran her hand over her bruised cheek. “Yeah, I don't know why I don't just give up.”

  I looked at a dingy chair across from her. “Can I sit down?”

  “Sure.” She rolled her eyes with sarcasm. “Make yourself at home.”

  I sat down and looked evenly across at her. “Did your boyfriend do that to you?”

  ”Ex-boyfriend.”

  “Well, that's probably for the best.”

  She lit a cigarette. “Yeah, I suppose if I had any sense, I'd just swear off men altogether.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, that's pretty much what I've done.”

  She looked at me curiously, then took a long drag from her cigarette. “You telling me you've sworn off men, Caitlin?” She laughed.

  I chuckled too. “Yeah, something like that.”

  “What's the deal? You turn into a lesbian or something?”

  “No.” I laughed loudly now. “But God showed me it wasn't in my best interest to date guys. It just seemed to lead me into places where I don't really need to go.”

  Now she looked clearly confused. “God showed you what?”

  “That I needed to give up dating.”

  “You gotta be kidding.”

  I shook my head and now noticed that Beanie was standing like a shadow in the doorway to her bedroom. So I continued. “I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I can't tell you what a huge relief it is not to worry about all that dating stuff anymore. Now I can just focus on what's really important.”

  She exhaled a long stream of blue smoke. “Like what?”

  “Like my life and school and friends and God.”

  “God again.” She ground out the cigarette in an overly full ashtray.

  “Yeah, without God, I'm pretty sure my life would be nothing but a great, big, fat mess.”

  “You mean like mine?”

  “I wasn't saying that.”

  “Yeah, but that's what you mean, isn't it? You think my life is just one big, stinkin’ mess, don't you? Go ahead, Caitlin, admit it!” She stood up now, her voice growing loud. “I know you're always looking down on me–you and those picture-perfect, little yuppie parents of yours, just like June and Ward Cleaver. I know you guys all think I'm nothing but poor white trash. Don't you?”

  I stood too, unsure of what she might do in her anger. “No, Lynn.” I spoke calmly, hoping to soothe her ruffled feathers. “I don't think that at all.” I paused to take in her messed-up face, realizing how underneath that she was actually still quite pretty. And then I suddenly felt tears filling my eyes. “To be honest, Lynn, I might have thought like that before–before I started seeing things differently. But now, I just think you've had a really rough life, and it's taken its toll on you. And it just makes me incredibly sad. Sad for you. And sad for Beanie too.”

  She exhaled loudly, almost as if my words had somehow deflated her, and then she sank back down onto the couch. “Yeah, well, it makes me pretty sad too.”

  I paused for a long moment, then sat back down, silently begging God to give me the exact words that Lynn needed to hear. “You know, it doesn't have to continue like this.”

  She just shook her head. “Nothing ever changes for me. I just get older and uglier and pick out worse men
is all. But no matter what I do, nothing ever gets any better.”

  “It could get better, Mom,” said Beanie, clearing her throat as she stepped into the room.

  “I knew you were there listening,” said Lynn matter-of-factly, without even looking up.

  “Mom, I love you,” said Beanie, her voice breaking. “And I really want to see things get better for you. Do you know that?”

  Lynn nodded, swallowing hard. “I know, baby. I know.”

  “But you're the only one who can make things change,” said Beanie.

  “I know, but I can't.”

  “You can!” demanded Beanie. “But only if you let God help you.”

  Lynn looked up, her eyes now filled with tears. “Look at me, Beanie, and tell me honestly. Do you really think–if there even is a God–that He would give a flying fig about someone as messed up as I am?”

  “First of all, I know there is a God,” said Beanie. “And second of all, He loves everyone no matter how messed up we are.”

  Then I jumped in. “And sometimes it's only when we realize how messed up we are that we can understand how much we need to call out to God for help.”

  “And what if I did that?” She looked intently to Beanie, then back to me. “What if I did call out for God to help? And what if He just wasn't there? Or didn't answer? What then?”

  “He is there,” said Beanie quietly. “He will answer.”

  “And you'll never know if you don't ask,” I added even more quietly, worried that we were both pushing Lynn too far and too fast, and that any moment she might just blow up on both of us.