With Every Heartbeat

by Linda Kage

  “Thanks,” I said and waved the notebook to show her that I did want to read her story. A sick worry worked into her features, so I added, “Children’s stories actually happen to be my favorite. I think I’ve read Holes about a dozen times.” I left her there to find Cora in the living room.

  “Make us some popcorn, will you, babe?” Cora didn’t glance over at me as she flipped through the options on the screen.

  “You don’t think it’ll bother your upset stomach?” I asked.

  With a muffled curse, she tossed her remote to the floor and cupped her head with both hands. “Damn it,” she screeched. “Why can’t people just leave me alone and let me eat whatever the hell I want to eat?”

  Startled when tears fill her eyes, I rushed to her. “I...I’m sorry. Cora? Are you okay?”

  “I just want some popcorn,” she sobbed against my chest when I pulled her into my arms. “Why couldn’t you have just made it? Why did you have to nitpick and harp and question everything? If I didn’t think I could handle it, I wouldn’t have requested it.”

  “Okay, okay,” I soothed, stroking her hair, and wondering what the heck was happening. I was pretty sure she wasn’t flipping out about popcorn, but I had no idea what was really going on.

  Maybe if I knew what was wrong, I could help. But…she wanted her privacy.

  She would let me make her popcorn, though, so after she settled down again, I made some popcorn.

  I was still in the kitchen waiting for it to finish when I tugged the rolled-up notebook from my back pocket, but before I could get started, Cora called my name. “Quinn?”

  “I’m in the kitchen. Everything okay?”

  “What’re you doing in there?” She sounded accusing.

  I crinkled my eyebrows. “Uh…I’m popping the popcorn...like you wanted.” Worried something was affecting her memory, I left the popcorn still popping and started down the hall as she called, “Where’s Zoey?”

  I stepped into the living room. “In her room still, I guess. I don’t know. Why? What’s wrong? Do you want me to get her for you?”

  She sat on the couch with her blanket pulled snug around her shoulders and her knees up to her chest. She definitely wasn’t behaving like Cora tonight.

  When she looked up at me, I almost panicked. What the hell was going on with my girlfriend? Was she on drugs? Had some guy messed with her? My mind went crazy. But all she said was, “I want you to sit by me.”

  So I sat by her.

  Zoey must’ve realized that I couldn’t leave Cora’s side, because she carried in a bowl full of popcorn just as Cora decided on a movie and started it.

  “Here. You guys left this in the microwave.”

  “Thanks.” I reached up and took it from her, and Cora cuddled in closer to me.

  “Want to watch with us?” I asked Zoey, tightening my arm around my girlfriend to let her know I wouldn’t leave her side. “We’re just getting started.”

  Zoey glanced at the screen and look undecided.

  “Yes, do,” Cora coaxed. “Watch a movie with us. You and I haven’t spent nearly enough time together since you moved here.”

  That seemed to be the clincher for Zoey. She joined us on the couch, sitting next to Cora.

  It took me about five seconds to realize Cora had picked a horror movie. She knew I hated them. But I didn’t say a thing about her choice. Maybe she just wanted a reason to cuddle into me and clutch my arms, because she spent the next two hours smashed against me doing just that.

  When the final credits rolled, she groaned and flopped her cheek onto my shoulder. “I don’t want to walk all the way back to my bed.”

  I offered to carry her, which she gladly accepted. As I glanced at a pale, shaken-looking Zoey and told her good night, Cora wrapped her arms around my neck and cuddled her nose into my throat.

  “Will you stay the night?” she whispered in my ear.

  “Of course.” I knew she didn’t want to do anything and I wouldn’t have tried after seeing her so sick, but her sudden, strange clinginess scared me. I wasn’t too sure what to think about what was going on with her.

  But she continued to cling to me when I crawled under the sheets with her and spooned up behind her. “I like it best when you’re here.” Her hand settled possessively on my forearm before she sighed into her pillow and went to sleep.

  I stayed up long after she was out, trying to figure out what most of this evening had meant. Cora had wanted me to take her to a party tonight, but she hadn’t even mentioned how much she’d missed not going after I’d found her sick. She usually hated missing a party for any reason; she liked to bemoan the fact that she’d missed it until she found her way to another event.

  Tonight, she just hadn’t acted like herself at all. I kissed her hair and hoped to God she was okay.

  When I finally fell asleep, nightmares plagued me. Reason number one why I never watched horror movies. They never failed to make me dream about my mom.

  I jerked awake sometime late in the night in a cold sweat. Cora was sleeping peacefully. I touched her forehead for a temperature, but she felt cool, so I shoved the blankets off me and patted barefoot out of her room, down the hall, and into the kitchen. A night-light above the sink guided my path as I went to the refrigerator and found a bottle of chilled water. When I noticed the notebook I’d started to open while I’d been popping popcorn still sitting on the kitchen table in the corner, I opened the water and went that way.

  A lighthearted children’s story sounded like the perfect cure to get me over a scary-movie-induced nightmare.

  I gasped myself awake, my haunting dreams chasing me into consciousness. The movie Cora had picked out had been about a girl who’d tried to leave her abusive spouse, but ended up being chased down by him.

  So, of course I had to dream that my father had chased me down and caught me here. Arms prickling with goose bumps, I sat up in bed, breathing hard. It was the dead of night and I felt like I needed to check the front door, just to make sure it was still locked. After finding my glasses on my nightstand, I crawled off the mattress and tiptoed down the hall.

  But I still felt jittery after finding everything bolted properly in place, so I stopped by the kitchen and got a water from the refrigerator. I was unscrewing the cap when a voice from the table said, “Hi.”

  I yelped and whirled around, dropping the bottle and spilling water all over the floor.

  “Sorry.” Quinn popped up from the table and dashed to the paper towels sitting on the counter. “I thought I’d scare you more if I didn’t say anything before you saw me.”

  I retrieved the bottle, grateful not much had spilled. As Quinn wiped the floor clean, I cradled the water to my chest because I realized I once again wasn’t wearing a bra under my nightshirt...in Quinn’s presence.

  “Can’t sleep either?” I asked, not sure what to say, or if I should say anything. Maybe I could just slip back to my room and leave him here alone.

  He shook his head and sent me a look after he tossed the used paper towels into the trash. “I hate those stupid scary movies.”

  A smile burst across my face. “I do too. I have no idea why Cora loves them so much.”

  “And that she doesn’t like quality shows like Psych,” Quinn added, smiling back.

  “Clearly, she has issues.” Unable to stay away, I wandered to the table to see what he’d been reading. When I realized it was the notebook I’d given him, I sat, wondering which one it was. I’d been too nervous earlier; I’d just picked out the first one my fingers had touched and shoved it his way without seeing the title I was handing away.

  Tucking my feet up on the seat with me, I rested my chin on my knees and read a few words. Ahh. This one was about the dragon slayer who ended up making friends with the dragon. Very How to Train Your Dragon like. I know, I was so original. Except they weren’t Vikings in my story, the main character was a girl, and the main dragon was not named Toothless.

  Glancing up at Quinn, I sighe
d. “I kept dreaming about someone breaking into the apartment, so I had to make sure it was locked. But now that I’m up, I know I won’t be getting back to sleep any time soon.”

  He sat back in the chair he’d been in when I’d come into the kitchen, and he lifted his water in a silent kind of cheers. “Same here.”

  I clinked my bottle gently against his. He smiled, and we drank together in silence.

  “How’d you do on your biology test?” he finally asked. “I totally forgot to ask earlier, what with that guy breaking into his ex-wife’s window and trying to cut her apart with the saw and all.”

  I grinned and rolled my eyes. “I think I did okay. I feel really good about it, anyway.”

  “That’s great.” He tilted his water bottle toward me again. After another bump, we drank some more.

  “Caroline got tickets for me to go with her to your home game tomorrow,” I said, thinking I should make small talk, and actually wanting to make small talk with him. “I even bought an ESU shirt to wear to it. I’m kind of excited.”

  “Really?” His eyes lit up. “You’re going? That’s cool. I didn’t know if you even liked football.”

  I shrugged. “My father’s a fan, so...I learned about the game from watching him watch it.”

  Quinn watched me curiously before he shrugged. “I didn’t know much about it myself until I joined the team. I was homeschooled until high school.”

  “Really?” My jaw about hit the floor. “No way. So was I.” That was so strange.

  He nodded and glanced away. “Yeah, I know. Cora mentioned it before.”

  I gulped. Oh. “She did?” What else had Cora told him about me?

  Not meeting my gaze, he nodded again. “I never planned on trying out for the team, but the coach saw me walking down the hall one day and said with my size, it was a shame I wasn’t trying out. So I decided to go for it, and ended up being the starting quarterback by the end of high school. Of course, I was twenty at the time, so I’d matured a lot more than the other guys.”

  I tipped my head to the side, curious. “Why were you twenty when you finished high school?” He obviously had no learning disability to hold him back. His biology help had told me that.

  When his mouth opened, but no words came and a strange expression entered his face, I held up a hand. “Sorry. Ignore me.” That information was none of my business. “Still...that’s so cool that the football coach came to you. You must’ve been a natural.” I smiled, glad to hear he’d turned out a success after his beginning had been so similar to mine.

  Quinn shrugged bashfully. “I was big enough to handle a hit here and there, but I still had decent aim with my throwing arm.” He glanced at me only to suck in a sudden breath. “Ouch. That must’ve hurt.”

  Before I knew what he was doing, he reached out and slid his fingers over the top of my shoulder where my shirt had slipped down revealing bare skin. The graze of his flesh against mine made me shiver. When my nipples instantly went hard, I jerked back with a gasp.

  His eyes widened as if he’d just then realized what he’d done. Snapping his hand back to himself, he immediately apologized. “Sorry, I just...they surprised me. I’m so sorry.”

  When I realized he was talking about the scars and that’s what he’d touched, I immediately covered the area with my hand.

  “The way they’re in a straight line like that...” He shook his head and his eyes filled with compassion. “That’s crazy. Someone must’ve possessed some insanely controlled temper to do something like that.”

  I shook my head, instantly denying it, but Quinn merely whispered, “Zoey.” He lifted a hand to stop me from protesting. “I know what cigarette burns look like.” Then he reached for the hem of his own shirt and lifted it. I got an eyeful of perfectly formed abs before he twisted to show me his back.

  My mouth fell open. Not only was he marred everywhere with belt-inflicted scars, but little white and red dots were scattered sporadically, showing me how many times someone had taken the butt of a cigarette to him and burned him.

  Tears filled my eyes.

  He dropped his shirt back into place. “My abuser just wasn’t as neat as yours.”

  I opened my mouth and met this gaze, but no words came.

  “Cora told me about you before you ever moved here,” he admitted. Then he glanced away. “I’ve wanted to say something to you for a while, let you know I understood and that I’d been there, too.”

  I wiped at my wet cheeks and finally managed to asked, “Who...?”

  “My mom,” he answered with a blank nod. “But only until I was twelve. That’s when she overdosed and died. I went to live with my grandma after that. I’d never had any kind of schooling at that point. Gran knew I would’ve been horribly out of place if I started public school then, so she homeschooled me until I was ready for ninth grade. I don’t think a lot of people knew I was seventeen my freshman year of high school.”

  “Wow,” I whispered. My hand trembled as I reached for him, but I kept reaching until my fingers were covering his.

  He slipped his around until our palms pressed together. Then he sent me a sad smile. “I was worried about you when you first showed up. I’d had years to get over what I went through before I moved out on my own. But you were just escaping. I didn’t know how easily you’d adjust. I wanted to let you know I was here to talk...you know, if you ever needed to, but I wasn’t sure...I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to broach the subject.”

  I smiled and nodded, sniffing with a new batch of tears wetting my eyes. “You’re doing a very good job of it now.”

  He half smiled, half laughed. “Yeah. Better late than never, huh? I guess we should’ve watched a scary movie together weeks ago.”

  When I blurted out a laugh only to mop up more tears, he stood and tightened his grip on my hand to urge me out of my chair as well. “Come here.”

  My stomach fluttered with unease and excitement as I followed his instruction without question. I stood, and he pulled me into a hug.

  I’m not sure if I’d ever really been hugged before. It was...amazing. I rested my cheek on his shoulder, inhaled his heavenly scent and hugged him back as hard as I could.

  Warm lips pressed against my forehead. “It’ll get better. I promise you.”

  More tears fell and I squeezed my eyes closed, wishing this moment would never end. But footsteps in the hallway approached and Cora’s voice lightly called, “Quinn?”

  “Right here.” His arms loosened around me, but he didn’t lurch away with any kind of guilt.

  He was still lowering his arm from around me when my best friend appeared in the doorway, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She jerked to a stop when she saw us. Dropping her hand to her side, she gazed back and forth between us with confusion. “What the hell?”

  “You caught us,” Quinn said with a grin as he held out his arm to draw her into his side. “We’re both complete chickens who couldn’t sleep after you made us watch that awful movie.”

  Cora went to him willingly but frowned at me in concern when she saw the tears in my eyes.

  They fell a little harder because it’d been so easy for him to turn to her after sharing such an intimate moment with me. I felt completely altered after being held in his arms, but obviously he hadn’t feel the same, which only made the guilt inside me fester and grow.

  I was developing feelings for my best friend’s boyfriend. This was worse than awful. It was devastating.

  “No, really,” Cora said, looking up at Quinn. “What’s going on here?”

  He kissed her temple and pulled her tighter against him. “We ended up sharing a couple horror stories of our own.”

  Cora’s shoulders fell. “Oh, so you finally told her, huh?”

  He nodded. And I realized Cora already knew all about his past, probably ten times more than what he’d just told me. They were the ones with all the intimacies between them. Not him and me.

  Feeling like a stupid, young fool, I murmured, “I t
hink I can finally go back to sleep now. Excuse me.” My gaze met Quinn’s. I wanted to thank him for opening up to me, for making me feel better, but I didn’t know how, so I said nothing.

  I slipped past them and hurried to my room, shutting myself inside and crawling under the covers until I had the blankets over my head, so I couldn’t hear anything that might be happening outside my room.

  Guilt gnawed at me as a white-faced Zoey fled the kitchen, and it wasn’t because my girlfriend had walked in on me hugging another woman. I felt guilty because Cora had interrupted my moment with Zoey, as if I’d just cheated on Zoey—not Cora.

  That was so messed up, it left me reeling. But I’d just shared something with Zoey that I’d never shared with Cora. We had connected on an entirely different level. I’d opened up to her and for some reason, I knew she’d been able to see me. The real me, not someone I had to strive to be. Just me.

  “Let’s go back to sleep, my big man.” When Cora reached for my arm, I just couldn’t follow her. My head was everywhere; I felt that anything I did right then would be wrong. But staying the rest of the night with her while I was this way had to be worse.

  I pulled my arm away before she could touch me. She shot me a surprised glance. I winced and rubbed the back of my neck. “How’s your stomach feeling?”

  She nodded. “Better. In fact...” A grin spread across her face. “I’m willing to show you just how much better.”

  Her fingers reached for my chest this time. My body reacted to the ideas she put into my head, but I was still too affected by what I’d just experienced with Zoey. So I caught Cora’s wrist, brought her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles before smiling softly at her.

  “Actually, if you’re feeling okay, I was going to head home. We gotta get up early in the morning to get ready for the game tomorrow.” I paused to send her a hopeful glance. “Are you going to make it to this one?”

  She sighed and let her shoulders slump, telling me how much I’d just dissatisfied her. “I can’t. Zoey wants me to spend the day with her.”