Husbandry

by Allie Ritch

“It looks fantastic.” I loved it already. “How long until you can fill it in and finish?”

  “We’ll grout it tomorrow. Do you have a preference on sinks? Art and I plan to pick up a new toilet and sink in the morning while the grout dries.”

  “Hmm.” I considered the space. “We really don’t need the storage in here. How about a pedestal sink?”

  “That will fit better,” my father said.

  Chuck nodded. “You got it.”

  Neither moved. They looked like two fix-it warriors standing over the field of battle after a hard-won victory. It was some kind of male-bonding thing, I was sure. Like fishing and sports and punching each other’s shoulder instead of hugging.

  I left them to it with admonishments to clean up for supper.

  Chapter Eleven

  As promised, the half bath was done by the time I got home from work the next day. My father and Chuck toasted each other with beers, while my mom was in the family room watching a cooking show. I walked in and sat beside her.

  “You’d think they just broke some kind of world record instead of installing a toilet,” she told me. She sounded exasperated. “Honestly, you’ve never seen so much fuss. Your father was the same way when he helped Josef fix the pipes under his kitchen sink.”

  “They did get the bathroom done very quickly.” I wasn’t sure why I defended them since I knew she wouldn’t listen.

  She didn’t disappoint me. “That’s because they had to. Your father and I are leaving in the morning. We want to visit your brother on the way home.”

  “I figured that was your plan.” The announcement made me feel both sad and relieved. I was glad we’d had this time together, but I was also ready to get back to my normal routine.

  My mother shut off the television and turned to me with a determined expression. It was a look I’d learned to fear over the years. I braced myself.

  “Filomena, I want to know what you intend to do with these men of yours. You can’t expect me to tell my friends my daughter is married to Chuck, Chad, and Charles. It’s confusing, not to mention embarrassing.”

  That got my back up. “My husbands are not an embarrassment.”

  “That’s not what I said. Don’t be so difficult. If only your father and I had known how right we were when we named you after your grandmother. After years of living as a respectable housewife, my mother turned into some kind of cougar after my father passed away. I couldn’t keep the names of all her young boyfriends straight. It was ridiculous.”

  “Why was it ridiculous?” I’d put this off long enough. It was time I showed some spine. “Mom, she was happy. Her kids were grown, her husband had died, and Grandma wanted some fun. She deserved to enjoy her final years. Didn’t you want her to be happy? Don’t you want me to be?”

  My mom actually looked startled. “Well, of course I want you to be happy. That’s what I want for all my children.”

  “Then accept that I’m married to three good men. I need all of them in order to be happy. Chuck and Chad and Charles each fulfill me in a different way. Together, they’re perfect for me.”

  “That’s not normal.” She threw up her hands. “I can understand dating three men, I suppose, but not marrying all of them. There should be a single person who meets all your needs. Why can’t you just pick one who does everything?”

  “Because they’re not women?” The pithy comeback popped out of my mouth.

  Mom often said men couldn’t multitask as well as women. She claimed we were the ones who tried to do it all.

  Dead silence followed.

  I kept a straight face until I saw her lips twitch. Then I finally laughed, and she returned a reluctant smile.

  “That’s a good answer.” Although her admission was grudging, she sounded amused. She studied me for a second before she heaved out a sigh. “Nothing I say is going to make you give up any of them, is it?”

  “No.” I didn’t even consider it. “In fact, let me rephrase that. Absolutely not.”

  She pursed her lips. “You do realize I’ll have to do three times as much shopping for my son-in-laws.”

  Considering how much she loved shopping, I knew this wasn’t a complaint.

  “Having three times the man does have its benefits,” I assured her.

  “I’ll bet.” She gave me a knowing look.

  I gaped at her and felt my face heat. “Mom! I wasn’t talking about that.”

  She chuckled. “You don’t have to. A mother can tell some things, especially after she catches an eyeful of her son-in-law with his shirt off.”

  I groaned.

  “What? I may be old and married, but I’m not blind. I can still admire a fine physique. You know, your father used to—”

  “Stop!” Whatever it was she was going to say, I was sure I didn’t want to hear it.

  “Very well. Maybe I’ll tell you when you’re older.” She turned the TV back on and watched a chef folding egg whites into some batter.

  We didn’t speak, but there was no tension to the silence. After a moment, I leaned my head on her shoulder.

  * * * *

  Maybe I was a contrary person. Here I’d dreaded my parents’ arrival, but when Tuesday morning arrived and we all stood at the front door for our good-byes, I didn’t want to see them go. I held on a moment longer to my dad’s bear hug. My mom gave me a quick embrace and a warm kiss before stepping back.

  Chad was the next in line. “Art, it was so good to meet you.” He shook my father’s hand. “Minnie, I’m glad you came to visit.”

  “Me too. You might as well call us Dad and Mom now. We are family, after all.”

  I could see Chad’s eyes mist up when she gave him a kiss good-bye. “Thanks…Mom.”

  She turned to Chuck and Charles. “That goes for the two of you, as well. Chuck, it was a pleasure. Thank you for a quiet ride home. Charles, don’t work too hard. You’re only young once. Enjoy a good thing while you’ve got it.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” Charles returned a debonair grin, but I could see he was touched.

  “Next time we get together, we’ll have to get out on the green just the two of us,” my dad told him. “Chuck, you keep me posted on the renovations. I’ll be interested to see pictures of how the whole place turns out.”

  “You got it…Dad.” Like Chad, Chuck hesitated before using the familial address. “Thanks for all your help.”

  Chuck picked up their luggage to take to the car. We moved en masse out the door, and he loaded their bags in the trunk.

  My dad paused before he hopped behind the wheel. He glanced at each of my men in turn. “You know, I wasn’t sure how to take the news of my baby girl marrying you three. I’m a traditional guy, so this arrangement isn’t what I’m used to.”

  I suspected my husbands were holding their breath. I knew I was.

  “But you know what? I should have known it would take more than one man to keep up with my daughter.” Dad shot me a wink that earned him another hug before he climbed into the car. “You fellows take care of my girl.”

  “We will,” Chad assured him.

  “Bet on it,” Charles added.

  Chuck gave him a nod before my father closed the door.

  We all stood together in the driveway to see them off. I waved until they pulled down the street and disappeared from sight. The second they were gone, a small wave of melancholy washed over me.

  Then Chuck broke the heavy moment. “So what’s for breakfast?”

  Chad, Charles, and I looked at him, and I released a quiet laugh.

  “Cereal or scrambled eggs, honey.” I kissed his cheek. “You’re on your own this morning.”

  Charles glanced at his watch. “We’ll be late for work if we don’t get a move on.”

  And just like that, it was back to me and my guys and our regular life together. I had learned a few things during my parents’ visit, though. Things I made sure to bring up later that night.

  Miracle of miracles, Charles came home on time that evenin
g, which made things so much easier. I decided to do leftovers for dinner so I didn’t have to cook. It didn’t take long to heat up a smorgasbord. For the first time in a long time, the four of us sat down to a meal together.

  “I thought for sure you’d be late, playing catch-up at the office,” I told Charles. He’d made such a big deal about taking time off while my parents were here.

  My husband returned an insouciant shrug. “I thought I’d take Minnie’s—Mom’s—advice not to work too hard. Besides, I was in a hurry to tell you the good news.”

  “What?” I froze with my fork halfway to my mouth, peas balanced on the tines. A million possibilities danced through my mind, though I was pretty sure it was too soon for him to have gotten a promotion. A bonus, maybe?

  Charles returned a cool grin, dragging out the suspense.

  “Well, spit it out,” Chuck demanded.

  “Did you win an award? A company car?” Chad was playing the guessing game too.

  “Even better.” My executive husband looked very pleased with himself. “As you know, my whole office has been sharing a secretary. Spread so thin, she hasn’t been able to give me much support, which has meant more work for me. This morning, I got approval to hire a personal assistant. My output warrants it, and I’ll be able to increase my productivity while decreasing my workload once I have the help. I also intend to hold more video conferences so I can cut back on travel.”

  I set my fork down and clapped my hands together. “Oh, Charles, that’s wonderful.”

  It was the best possible news he could have given me, and it fit right in with what I wanted to talk about. I’d come to the realization that Charles would always work too hard, but he’d also be there when I needed him. He’d proven that with how he’d come through for me when my parents were here.

  “Don’t get too excited,” he warned me. “There will still be a lot of days when I’ll have to work late, but I should be home for dinner more often now.”

  “That’s all I ask. I’m proud of you and all you’ve accomplished so quickly, but you’re more than just the job. You’re worth more to me than a paycheck, honey.”

  He didn’t seem to know quite how to take that, which was so unusual it made me smile. Then I glanced at my other two husbands.

  “I’ve been thinking. So far, we’ve all been working like separate cogs in the same machine. I think we should get a game plan together and try to work in tandem more often. Chuck, you mentioned how much faster and easier it was to work on the house with my dad helping you. I should have realized it’s safer to work with a partner too. Starting this weekend, consider me part of your work crew. I can help with the lighter work, and maybe Charles and Chad can start pitching in, as well. If we all work on the master suite together, we’ll get it done much faster.”

  “I can certainly help with demolition,” Charles told Chuck.

  Chad nodded. “And I know how to paint.”

  Chuck wore an expression of pleasant surprise. “That would speed things up.”

  “Good.” I was on a roll now. I kept addressing Chuck. “The sooner we get the house finished, the sooner you can get some outside employment and bring in a fourth income. That will take some of the earning pressure off Charles, and he’ll be able to use the home office more often once he doesn’t have to worry about construction noise interrupting him here. We’ll also be able to pay off the house more quickly.”

  I turned to Charles next. “You’re a whiz with budgets. Most people take thirty years to pay off their mortgage. We’re already ahead of the game, and we don’t have to do it overnight. Maybe you could crunch the numbers and tell us where we’re at so we can establish a reasonable goal. Our family is going to be growing in a couple of years. I may change my tune after the first pregnancy and labor, but I’m thinking of having four kids—one for me and for each of my wonderful husbands.”

  Chuck squeezed my thigh, while Chad reached across the table to take my hand.

  “I’d say that sounds about right.” Chad wore a soft, approving look that warmed me all the way to my toes.

  I swallowed hard to clear the lump in my throat. “In the meantime, I don’t want us consumed by work. We need to socialize more. Chuck, you’re allowed to get out of the house. Go out and make friends. Take in a football game or something once in a while. I never meant for you to feel like slave labor here.”

  “I don’t,” he assured me. “I wouldn’t mind catching the next home game, though. Even if our team is lousy.”

  “You too, Chad. If you want to take a class or join a book club, you should. And there’s no reason we can’t invite my siblings or cousins here for a visit. Or we can take some time off to go see them.”

  “I’d like that.” Chad looked proud of me. “Since we’re strategizing here, I also want us to communicate better like we did these past few days. I like to know I can reach you when I have to.”

  “Fair enough. I’m going to try very hard to check my messages every day.” It was the least I could do, and really it was just a matter of putting in the effort and making it a habit.

  Charles relaxed back in his chair and studied me with a keen expression. “Look who’s taking charge. It sounds like you’ve got this all worked out.”

  “Do you object?” I couldn’t quite read his tone.

  His eyes twinkled. “No. It sounds like a good plan: coordinate our efforts and tag team things to reach our goals. I’m just enjoying watching you be the boss. So sexy.”

  “Hmm.” I felt my whole body flush. “Maybe I’ll boss you around later tonight.”

  He chuckled. “A nice fringe benefit. Or is this your incentive program?”

  I shook my head at him. “You’re terrible.”

  “That’s not what you’ll be saying later.” He saluted me with his drink, but then he appeared to think of something. “Then again, I think I’ll let the anticipation build.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He gave me a mischievous grin. “I’ll take another rain check.”

  Wait a second. Charles—horny, chauvinist, domineering Charles—was passing up a chance to make love tonight? “Am I missing something?”

  “Maybe I have a headache.” He looked like he was laughing at me now.

  I tried not to choke on my peas. My mind went too blank to form a retort, so I just goggled at him.

  Then I received a second shock when my other two husbands nodded.

  “You should get a good night’s sleep,” Chad informed me with a smirk in his voice.

  Chuck didn’t quite hide his upturned lips behind his glass. “You need your rest.”

  They were up to something; they had to be. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, but I hadn’t misheard. All three of my husbands were promoting a sex-free night.

  “You’re playing mind games with me, aren’t you?” I said.

  It was the only explanation for this sudden change.

  As far as I was concerned, their inscrutable expressions confirmed it. They were trying to drive me crazy.

  * * * *

  “Charles was right,” I told Liz the next day at work. “Men are more complicated than they appear, or at least more confusing.”

  “But only after their minimum sex quota is met,” Liz said with a straight face.

  I glared at her. “That’s just it. Last night, my husbands turned me down when I offered to fill their quota.”

  She wrinkled her nose at me. “You’re kidding. Did you check their temperatures?”

  “I thought about it.”

  “Well, if they’re not sick, then that’s a new one on me.” She fingered a petal on the flowers I had sitting on the corner of my desk. “What’s this?”

  I beamed, all confusion forgotten. “Chad gave them to me for my birthday. Aren’t they beautiful?”

  “It’s your birthday today? You should have said something. Happy birthday, Fila.”

  “Thank you.”

  Liz bent down to sniff the bouquet
. “I won’t ask what number this is. After you hit drinking age, who’s counting, right?” She laughed. “So what are you doing to celebrate? Got something special planned?”

  “Ah, there’s that word again: plan. We’re having a family celebration at home, just the four of us. My guys are supposed to have some kind of surprise for me. I tried to wheedle it out of Chad, but he wouldn’t blab.”

  “Surprises are fun. You’re so lucky. I wanted to tell you I set up an appointment with Genetic Harmony. Since you did so well there, I figured what the hell. Not like I’ve had a lot of luck, so maybe they’ll manufacture a stud or three for me.”

  “Satisfaction guaranteed.” I gave her a wink.

  I owed a lot to Genetic Harmony Inc. Then again, I sometimes wondered if I really was just lucky. The matchmaking service might have put together the genes that went into my men and encouraged their personality traits, but that didn’t diminish the mystery of the human soul. My husbands were unique. So was our love. That wasn’t something you could manufacture in a lab.

  “Do you believe in destiny?”

  Liz cocked her head at me. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  “I think I do.” In my case, I was pretty sure science and kismet had collided, giving me exactly what I needed in life. Glancing at the clock, I grabbed my purse and picked up my flowers. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Liz. I’ve got three hot dates tonight and a lot of celebrating to do.”

  “Sure, rub it in.” She feigned a pout before she returned to her desk.

  I chuckled on my way to the door and headed home. My good mood bolstered me through an annoying traffic jam, although I was glad when I finally reached my driveway. I shouted my usual greeting as I walked through the door and hurried to perk up my flowers with some water.

  Chuck rounded the corner just as I set the vase on the kitchen table. “There’s the birthday girl.” He pulled me close and gave me an enthusiastic kiss. “Did you have a good day?”

  “Fine so far. I’m still waiting for my surprise.”

  “Not yet.” He waggled his eyebrows at me. “You’ll have to wait until after dinner. Speaking of which, Chad is picking up takeout tonight, so there’s no cooking. I’ve got strict orders to get you off your feet and pamper you.”