The Weight of Rain

by Mariah Dietz

  I keep my chin level so that my lips are just low enough he will either have to bend or manipulate my back or neck to kiss me. I kind of hope he chooses the latter. I want to feel his hands on me, knowing how powerful and gentle they can be. My hips slide forward, manipulated by only his presence, willing to comply with anything, or possibly begging traitorously.

  “Lo.” My name is a whisper. A plea. An entire dedication to my heart that steals my breath and any lasting hesitation.

  My chin falls back as one of his hands wraps into my loose hair and his other wraps around my back, pulling me closer to him. His lips are softer than I remember, but the comparison vanishes nearly as quickly as it came when his tongue parts my lips and then slides purposefully against my lower lip, coaxing, encouraging, taking. I press up on my toes and tighten my grip around his neck, drawing me closer to him, deepening the kiss because I want him to take everything from me.

  His warm, earthy scent sweetened by soap and something that is singularly him fills my lungs, bringing me higher, losing every sense of the rain and any concern that was planning a strike in my head.

  His rough chin scratches mine as he bends to shift and lower me to the ground, which is surprisingly warm and soft for being the front yard. The warmth from his palms seeps into my skin like a dye, absorbing and stretching until I feel him touching me nearly everywhere. Everywhere except where I want to feel him. My groan of impatience makes King chuckle as his nose skims across mine. I don’t care that he’s laughing at my eagerness; it doesn’t dampen my lust and need for him in the slightest. Reaching between us, I fist my shirt and pull it off, shocking both of us when I reveal I’m not wearing a bra.

  King’s hand runs over my belly, following the path where my ribs meet so that the curve of my breasts feel the barest of pressure, causing a new objection of patience to quickly be cried as my back arches.

  I feel the weight of him against me everywhere, yet it’s worse than having him not touching me at all, because I am so desperate to feel his skin, his power, and the relief my body is seeking, that I feel like another person. I want to immerse myself in this moment and get completely and utterly lost. I have not experienced a desire like this apart from when I first met King and we spent the entire evening lost first in conversation and later in sensations and emotions.

  Twisting below him to bring him more firmly against me, I nearly whimper when the pressure of his body eases, becoming lighter and lighter until my body burns with exposure.

  My eyelids slam open, meeting the darkness of my apartment. Over the thudding of my heart, I take in the silence, the emptiness around me, and am grateful Kenzie didn’t bring a guest over as I reach for the shirt I had peeled off mid-dream.

  “I hate you,” I mumble, shifting to my side, flipping the weight of my blankets back over me, and nestling deeper into my bed.

  THE WALK to the Knight residence seems longer today. I have no idea what I’m going to say, or how I should act around King. Ignoring him seems not only rude but impossible when he lives in the house. However, when I arrive, the driveway is void of all vehicles, and the garage and shop are both closed. I wander through the house, paying close attention as I go to ensure I’m alone before I take a seat at the kitchen table and pull out an art history book. The creative part of art comes fairly naturally to me—the book part of school does not. This year, my advisor informed me that not only was I a history credit behind, but also a math credit. These quiet times at the house before Mercedes gets home from her carpool have become a saving grace for me to allot time to the subjects.

  I close my book, knowing Mercedes should be home at any second, and hear the door open and Mercedes releasing an indecipherable growl. “Hey,” I call. “How was your day?”

  I barely register her words as I enter the foyer, waiting to see why the door is still open behind her.

  “… and Justin Davison puked all over the cafeteria at lunch. It. Was. Disgusting.”

  When nothing follows her but a gust of wind, I turn to Mercedes and grin. “I hope you don’t get sick too. I have a rule about puking.”

  “What kind of rule?”

  “My stomach doesn’t like you to go through it alone.”

  “Gross!” she cries, dropping her shoulders with defeat.

  I raise my eyebrows and nod. “I don’t enjoy it either. Close the door and let’s get homework done so we can play.”

  IT’S TWO days later that I finally see him, and I hate that it makes my pulse quicken and every one of my senses is heightened. He doesn’t pay attention to me. Not a smile, not a word, not even a glance. Nothing. I decide it’s better this way. It will be easier to forget that night and him if we both pretend the other doesn’t exist. My brother, Josh, and I practiced this game for most of our lives—I’m proficient at pretending.

  “ANYTHING GOOD in there?” I poke my head out of the fridge where I’m making room for the instant pudding Mercedes eventually gave in to making with me after pleading for us to make a dessert. She thought my cooking skills were lacking—she was mortified to learn my complete lack of ability to bake. Parker is behind me, his baseball hat flipped backward over his messy hair, with a scruffy jaw that clearly hasn’t seen a razor in several days.

  “Hey, Parker.”

  “How have you been? I haven’t seen you much lately.”

  “Yeah, I was visiting my family over the weekend,” I explain.

  “In Montana?”

  I nod a few times and hear the fan of the fridge kick on. He is too close for me to move out of the way without brushing against him though, so I remain standing in front of the open door.

  “How did it go?”

  “It was … home.” The word is so self-explanatory for me.

  “Maybe I’ll make the trip out there with you next time to see if they grow all Montana girls like you.” His index finger is curled as it brushes down my cheek in a movement that’s too fast to be sensual but too intimate to be a joke.

  “Did King make this?” he asks, his eyes moving to something over my shoulder.

  “Sorry?” I ask, taking a small step back and feeling the coolness of a shelf press against the back of my arms.

  “Do you know if King made this?” His arm reaches forward, crowding me closer to the fridge. He pulls a plastic Tupperware from a shelf with a quiet scrape.

  “I don’t know…”

  Parker lifts his gaze to mine, and a slow smile curves his lips into an easy smile. “It must not be. If King had made it, it would be gone. His cooking is better than sex.”

  “You have no idea what good sex is like if you believe that.” King appears behind Parker, and his attention locks on me. It’s unnerving, making me question what thoughts are occurring behind his brown eyes that are narrowed ever so slightly, making his dark eyelashes appear even thicker.

  “But you’re right, I am a good cook.” King takes the leftovers from Parker’s hand and pulls down a couple of plates from the cupboard.

  “What is that shit? It looks good,” Parker says, taking a step closer to King and allowing me to finally move.

  Being anywhere near King still makes me feel uneasy, even with us ignoring each other. Just being in the house when I know he’s here makes my shoulders tight, my ears strain, and my focus constantly stray. The effects seem to magnify with him being so close.

  “You want some, Lo?” My name on King’s lips intensifies it that much more.

  I try to shake my head, but my neck is too stiff to make it appear natural. “No thanks, I’m good.”

  “No, dish her up some of that. If she hasn’t had your food yet, she needs to check this out,” Parker insists.

  “It’s okay, really. I need to get heading home, anyway.”

  “Hot date?” Parker’s lips are still curled in the same familiar smile I’ve seen him wear since my first day.

  “No, Charleigh and I are going to hit up an art store.”

  “When are we going to meet Charleigh?” Parker asks.
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  “Yeah. When are we going to meet Charleigh?” I raise my eyebrows, meeting King’s stare. His head is tilted slightly to the left and his chin lowered just enough that I can tell he’s annoyed. Blinking several times, I try to gain a cohesive thought and shrug as the microwave beeps. Thankfully Parker takes a step forward, breaking the path of King’s stare.

  I move to where my sweatshirt is folded over the back of a wooden stool and pull it over my head, bringing a shower of fine hairs to fall across my face. I’m grateful for straightening it this morning. If I had left it its normal curly/wavy/undetermined self, these wisps wouldn’t be lying flat against my temple; they would be a frame of frizzy fuzz.

  “Hang on, Lo. I’m serious about you trying this,” Parker says, grabbing forks from the silverware drawer.

  Raking my short nails across my forehead, I work to prepare another excuse. My words fall flat as he brings a fork to his mouth and lightly blows on it while holding his other hand below the bite. The gesture is something I’ve never experienced, and my mind fights to decipher if I find it to be parental or romantic.

  He closes the short gap between us and I slowly lower my hand, keeping it midair in an awkward stance. My brain is yelling at me to object the offer, to make an excuse for food allergies or about being late, but the excitement dancing in Parker’s wide blue eyes makes me swallow my words along with the bite of food.

  It’s some sort of rice mixed with vegetables, coated in a light sauce that is slightly tangy and aromatic against my tongue. It’s delicious even as leftovers, assuring me that it was mouthwatering when King first made it.

  “What do you think, Lauren? Is it better than sex?” King’s voice is bold with the edge of a joke hanging on the word sex.

  I can feel my face heat with humiliation. Concealing my embarrassment is something I’ve never been able to master. It’s always been apparent by the deep flush that covers my cheeks and makes me feel like I’m in a sauna.

  “Way better.” My throat feels too dry from the bite and his shocking question, but my words are clear. Parker’s eruption of laughter confirms they were also loud enough to be heard. My eyes move to King for a moment, my feet firmly planted in place to convey I’m not bothered by his innuendo.

  “Really? So you’re silent while you do the dirty, huh?” King asks.

  A new wave of embarrassment burns my cheeks, and I catch him raise his eyebrows for a second, before they fall back in place. His lips quirk ever so slightly—so slightly I don’t know that anyone would even catch the expression if they didn’t know to look for the truth.

  “Not when it’s so good it deserves to be heard.”

  Rather than narrowing into a glare like I’m expecting from his previous reaction, King’s eyes brighten with humor and he slowly nods a couple of times. Thankfully, Parker’s laughter distracts me, and I look over to catch him with his head thrown back and his mouth wide as he laughs like my words merit the reaction. But it’s only a second before my eyes turn back to King.

  Lately I’ve begun sketching Mercedes here and there—something I have been grateful for after such a long dry spell—but my fingers and mind feel a familiar desire to draw King’s reaction with every detail my eyes are soaking in. I haven’t felt this buzz, this unattainable desire to draw and get every line I’m carefully storing to memory, for so long, I feel nearly drunk from it.

  I need to go. I need to go now so I can draw while this yearning is still flowing through me. Even if King is my subject again, I need to feel the power only attainable when my charcoal is able to transform a blank sheet.

  “I’ll see you guys later.” Without waiting for a reply, I head outside where the dampness from the air fills my lungs. It makes them feel heavier, stretched, like the air here weighs more because of how much moisture clings to everything surrounding me.

  My thoughts are so consumed by everything I want to draw; I’m at the bus stop before it seems possible. I then watch everyone that passes me, noting details and sizes, shades, emotions—things I haven’t been able to see clearly for months. It’s nearly overwhelming, not just because there is so much to be seen, but because I am so relieved to once again see it.

  The charcoal in my hand doesn’t hover with indecision as it has for so many weeks; it glides across the paper with ease. It’s as though I’m allowing myself to finally draw what I’ve been waiting to create for forever, though it’s impossible, because I have only known King a short time. Somehow, every single detail of him is perfectly stored to memory. So familiar, I don’t have to think to recall the line of his jaw or plains of his cheeks. I know each contour so well, it’s as though he’s been a constant throughout my entire life.

  MY BACK is tight and stiff up to my neck, and my wrist aches when I finish shading a final strand of hair. Still, I feel reluctant to stop. It feels so good to be able to draw once again. My eyes burn and my lids feel suddenly heavy. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my eyes seem to blink far less when I work and always feel gritty and tired after a long session like they just endured.

  I roll my shoulders and stretch my neck before standing and noticing it’s after 3:00 a.m. I don’t feel panicked or exhausted by the thought of having to wake up in a few hours. I’m far too invigorated for anything to get me down at this point.

  “LO, COME check these out.” I pause and take a step back to the open office door and peer into where Kash is sitting beside King and Summer. “Come here. Remember the pictures and video I was telling you about? Summer’s showing me the edits. I want you to check these out.” Both King and Kash are turned to face me, but Summer’s eyes remain on the screen as I slowly approach them.

  “Summer’s crazy good.” Kash rolls closer to the desk and points to an image on the screen. “Show her what you did to this one.”

  Two images appear on the screen side by side. The image on the right has a background that has been muted while Kash’s skin is brighter, enhanced. My eyes slowly trace over the differences between the two images, noting far more differences than I’m sure she thinks I can. The one on the left showcases a scar that’s been erased on the image on the right, and though his muscles are larger in the enhanced image, the definition isn’t as beautiful, and the shadows and curve along his spine are missing.

  “Crazy, right?” Kash’s question stops my comparison, and I move my attention to him and force a nod which feels too slow.

  “Yeah,” I quietly agree, trying to sound more persuasive.

  King’s eyes meet mine. They’re narrowed with question and doubt, like he knows I’m lying.

  “That’s a really great picture. You have to let me know when you have an event. I’d like to come see one.”

  “Come back to the shop. We’re going to be working on a new trick. It will make you question physics when you see this shit.”

  “Yeah, you should totally come out to the shop,” Summer adds, turning to look at me.

  I nod a few times, my neck feeling just as forced and awkward as before, when I meet her eyes. “That would be cool.”

  “You can even get on and ride, if you want.” Her voice rises with suggestion.

  “Absolutely! I can’t believe I’ve been such an ass. If you want to, Lo, you can totally come check it out. Ride around with us.”

  I casually lift a shoulder. “Mercedes and I went on a path out back a few weeks ago, but I think I’m better being a spectator. The whole balancing thing has never been something I’ve excelled at.”

  “You’re going to be my new project! You’re going to love it, Lo. We’ll get you comfortable and then let you experience some really sick shit that will make you fall so in love with it, you may forget your art.” Summer’s eyes flare with Kash’s proclamation.

  “I don’t know how great of a nanny I’ll be in a full body cast,” I tease while taking a few steps back toward the hall.

  “Don’t worry. You’ll start off on the little track, work your way up.” Kash’s voice is calm and measured, his attention bac
k on the computer screen as he flips to the next picture. “But seriously, I want your opinion on more of these pictures. I was thinking of having you do some sort of black and white drawing or painting. I don’t want it super clean. You know that sketch you had of all the hands? I want something like that with the harsh angles, all straight lines that still somehow seemed … I don’t know how to explain it…” He turns in his seat to look at me, his brows furrowed, seeking an explanation or designation. “It was like harsh lines, but you could still see curves and almost a softness even though it wasn’t.”

  I shouldn’t be enjoying his description and appreciation of my work nearly as much as I am, but his lack of knowledge and technical jargon makes his accolade seem far more superior than those from my professors that often feel recycled and overused. Kash smiles and shakes his head. “I don’t know how you do it.” He turns back to the screen, but King’s and Summer’s eyes are both on me, sparking a familiar sense of unease that has me taking another step back.

  “You doodle?” My jaw clenches at Summer’s inquiry. This is one of the questions I have always loathed, more so when it comes from another person who likes the arts. It’s as though they’re looking for validation to see if I’m good enough at what I do to be considered an artist when really, who sets that criteria?

  “I study art.”

  Kash’s eyes move from the screen to my face, his eyebrows drawn. “You live it.” He turns toward Summer so I can’t see his expression. “Seriously, her art is amazing. I think she could make a really cool logo graphic to replace the current one we’re working with.”

  “I thought you were going to have the team in Switzerland work on that?” Summer’s discomfort with involving me is evident in the softness of her voice.

  “I don’t know. I can’t get her work out of my head. I want her to paint every wall in this house.”

  Summer’s eyes flash to mine and her lips purse ever so slightly. “If you want to meet up, we can go over the branding materials. I can be pretty flexible with my schedule since I know you have like four jobs.”