Let Me Save You

by Samantha Wolfe

  "Shush," she told me. She stood and leaned down, wrapping her arms carefully around me. I hugged her back as best I could, and then just lost it completely with long painful sobs that I couldn't control.

  "Momma," I whimpered. She just held me, letting me cry and comforting me. I had missed her so much, missed the closeness we used to have before I started avoiding any reminders of my loss, guilt, and shame. I had forgotten how much I needed her, needed this connection.

  She pulled back as I started to calm down, her eyes soft and tender. I could feel her love for me, and I remembered David's words. I tried my damnedest to let it in, to accept it without guilt or feelings of unworthiness. I wasn't very successful, but I managed to hold her gaze without looking away for once. I figured that was better than nothing.

  "Why didn't you tell me how you felt?" Mom asked with concern. "You've suffered alone all this time."

  "I...I thought I deserved to suffer for what I did," I answered her hoarsely. "I thought that you should hate me."

  "Is that why you've been avoiding me all this time?" she asked. "Out of guilt?"

  I nodded slowly, the admission painful.

  She gazed at me as tears continued falling from her eyes. "I just thought you needed some space to grieve, and that you would start talking to me again eventually. I didn't see how much you were suffering at all. I should have known something was wrong. I should have noticed, but I was so lost in my own grief that I didn't see it at all."

  "I didn't want to burden you with my problems while you were suffering yourself," I said sadly. "I'm so messed up Mom. I think I have PTSD. I can't even come home without freaking out. C...can't talk about...w...what happened without p...panicking." My breathing quickened as my heart rate spiked. I still couldn't say the words, I couldn't even mention my brother or father without losing it. I felt my body starting to shake all over, and it hurt so bad, inside and out.

  Just then a thirty-something brunette nurse came back in with David right behind her. I looked at David pleadingly, knowing he had helped me last time. His shrewd eyes took in what was happening.

  "He's having a panic attack," David told the nurse. "That's why his heart rate just spiked.

  "I'll check with the doctor. See if we can give him something for it." She left swiftly.

  "Jensen," David said calmly, my attention shifting back to him as he stopped opposite my mother across the bed. "Look at me. Breathe with me just like last time." I tried to comply, but my ribs still hurt, and it was hard to focus through the pain. David continued speaking slowly and calmly, talking me through it. I could feel Mom still gripping tightly to my hand, but I didn't dare to look away from David as he anchored me down.

  The nurse walked back into the room and came over to David's side of the bed. He stepped aside so she could reach my IV. I looked at David again, questioningly.

  "It's alright," he reassured me with a nod. "It's for anxiety, and it'll help."

  A short while later I closed my eyes as a hazy sleepiness hit me, my mind calm and care free. I was aware of David and my mother speaking, but didn't care to comment, even though they were talking about me.

  "Thank you, David," my mother was saying. I could hear a catch in her voice as she spoke. "If it wasn't for you...I'd have lost everything."

  "I'm just glad I was there to help when he needed me," David replied. "And I'm going to be here to help from this point on too."

  I drifted out of consciousness for a while and when I came to again, I glanced up to see Annie at the foot of the bed looking down at me.

  "Hey," I mumbled through the lingering haze in my head.

  "Hey, yourself," she said with a small smile, her blue eyes warm with affection.

  "Where are the kids?" I asked.

  "They're with my sister." Annie walked over to the chair and sat. I felt a twinge of disappointment that surprised me. She continued smiling at me while I felt guilt creeping in at the thought of the last time I had seen her weeks ago. I had yelled at her and thrown the loss of her husband in her face, then avoided her like the plague for weeks so that I didn't have to face what I had done. I owed her an apology.

  "I'm sorry for how I treated you," I whispered, my voice small and filled with shame.

  "It's alright," Annie said as she leaned forward to grip my forearm. "I know you were just hurting and lashing out. I could have called you or came over, but I was hurt and angry, too."

  "I was afraid I'd hurt you again."

  "It's sad isn't it?" Her face turned thoughtful. "All this time we've spent hurting alone, trying to carry the burden all by ourselves, avoiding the very people who could help carry it."

  "I don't want to do that anymore."

  "Neither do I," she agreed as a few tears escaped her eyes.

  I nodded to her as she squeezed my arm.

  "Then we won't do that anymore. Deal?"

  "Deal," I answered, wanting to be close to her again like we used to be, and realizing how much I missed Annie and the kids.

  "Hey, kid," a familiar male voice spoke. Our eyes were drawn to the doorway as Uncle Mathias walked in. He looked careworn as he smiled at me. "You look like shit." He walked further into the room to stop next to Annie.

  "I feel like shit, too." I smiled back at him.

  "I'm glad you're okay." Mathias' smile fell away, his eyes turning serious as he leaned forward and squeezed my shoulder.

  "Me, too," I told him sincerely. I still couldn't believe what I had tried to do to myself, and I had been avoiding dwelling on it. It was too disturbing to contemplate right now. I sighed as fatigue fell over me again. I was so fucking tired. The emotional roller coaster I'd been on all morning catching up with me.

  "Let's let Jensen rest for a bit," Annie announced as she rose from the chair leading Uncle Mathias toward the door. "We'll be back."

  I nodded wordlessly as my mind started drifted away again. I felt a sudden realization that I wasn't alone with my pain, and I didn't have to hide it from my family anymore. The almost giddy relief made sleep come swiftly.

  "Hey, idiot," Andy's voice spoke. "Are you awake?"

  "Fuck off," I mumbled with a smile as I opened my eyes.

  "You're a real dick, you now that?" He was standing next to the bed with a huge grin on his face, his eyes filled with relief.

  "I guess you just have that effect on people," I added as my smile widened.

  "You guys never stop, do you?" Lydia said incredulously. She was standing on the other side of the bed, smiling down at me and shaking her head. I looked around the rest of the room, concern filling me.

  "Where's Sydney?" I asked, my smile fading. "Why isn't she here yet?"

  "She's down in the emergency room," Andy told me.

  "What?" I asked, startled. I immediately tried to sit up as the thought of her being hurt filled me with panic. I had to get to her. The sudden stabbing pain in my ribs made me gasp, and I laid back down again when Lydia pressed a hand to my shoulder.

  "She's fine, Jensen," Lydia reassured me as she glared at Andy across the bed. "Andy probably should have mentioned that first."

  "Sorry." He shrugged sheepishly.

  "Why is she down there then?" I asked in confusion.

  "Because she's a fucking bad ass!" Andy announced loudly, earning himself another glare from Lydia. This time he didn't look sorry in the least. I looked back and forth between them in annoyance, waiting for an answer.

  "She hurt her hand punching Delaney in the face," Andy continued, his face gleeful.

  "What...how...?" I stammered out in shock.

  Andy told me about his plan and how Sydney had gone to talk to Delaney to trick her into confessing to what she had done so Jack Tierney could hear it. I felt anger building inside me, and I glowered at Andy, who stuttered to a stop as he noticed. My jaw clenched and unclenched before I could speak.

  "You let her go in there all by herself?" I growled out harshly. Andy looked panicked and glanced over at Lydia, who mumbled something about ch
ecking on Sydney and fled the room. Smart woman. "If I could fucking get up, I'd beat your ass right now," I told him angrily.

  "Hey, she wanted to do it," Andy insisted, starting to sound angry. "So don't get all fucking alpha male on me. She can make her own choices."

  We glared at each other for several long moments, neither of us backing down.

  "And speaking of choices," Andy continued, his voice harsh. "I'm fucking pissed at you. What the fuck were you thinking? You scared the shit out of all of us. You're a selfish fucking prick." His voice started to break, his eyes filling with tears. "You were just going to end it all with no thought to what that would do to the rest of us left behind."

  "I..." I felt all the anger drain out of me, leaving guilt in its wake.

  "I watched you lying in a goddamn hospital bed, wondering if you were going to die. You better never fucking do that to me again." His voice abruptly softened as he slumped down into the chair next to my bed. "You're my goddamn brother, you son of a bitch. I don't know what I would have fucking done without you."

  "I...I'm sorry," I mumbled guiltily.

  "Damn straight, your sorry." Andy reached out and grabbed my hand. I clutched onto him tightly, needing the reassurance that he was still here for me, even if he was angry at me. "I love you; you asshole," he said softly. Long moments passed in silence, neither of us moving. Finally, Andy released my hand with a deep sigh and leaned back into the chair. "Are you going to get help now?" he asked quietly, his eyes filled with concern.

  "Yeah," I whispered. "I can't deal with this by myself anymore."

  "Obviously," Andy spoke with a bitter laugh. "One could argue you never dealt with it at all."

  "I know," I admitted, hearing the brutal truth in his words.

  "You know I was here for you. You could have talked to me. I would have done what I could to help you."

  "I'm such a shitty best friend," I said with a sigh as I looked away.

  "I know," Andy agreed. I glanced back and was relieved to see him smiling. "But you're my shitty best friend. I think I'll keep you anyway. Finding a new one sounds like too much work."

  "I don't know; you have quite the bromance brewing with David," I said, glad the conversation was lighter now. This heavy stuff was weighing on me.

  "He is pretty cool." Andy smirked as he looked pointedly at me. "I could do worse."

  "Thanks," I said with a glare.

  He gave me a wry smile and shrugged. We lapsed into silence for a few moments.

  "So...my girlfriend is a bad ass, huh?" I finally asked, my curiosity getting the better of me.

  "You should have been there," he said shaking his head in disbelief. "She was amazing. It was masterful. She played that bitch like a fucking violin. I'm kind of afraid of her now."

  "She is amazing," I said softly, feeling a sudden deep longing to see her, to touch her, to hold her close. I closed my eyes and let my love for her fill me up. I held it in my mind, caressed it, stoked it, and let it flow through my body in a wave of almost euphoric pleasure. I felt overwhelmed with the intensity of it, and I never wanted to give this feeling up.

  Suddenly, I felt the energy in the room change. Electric sparks seemed to charge the air around me. I opened my eyes, and it felt like all the oxygen in the room was sucked out as I saw her standing in the doorway. I was breathless at the sight of her. It felt just like that night in the bar all over again. I was filled with such need and want.

  "Sydney," I whispered as our eyes locked across the room, and time ceased to exist.

  Sydney stayed in the doorway looking unsure as we stared at each other. I was barely aware of Andy briefly touching my arm and excusing himself. He walked out, placing his hand comfortingly on Sydney's shoulder for a moment as he passed her. She looked so beautiful, her hair in a high ponytail, wearing a pink T-shirt and yoga pants. I noticed the bag of ice she was holding over her right hand with a washcloth. I smiled at my bad-ass girlfriend. She really was amazing.

  "Why are you way over there?" I asked her, wanting her to come closer to me. "Come here." I demanded gently as I beckoned her closer with my hand. She approached me slowly as she bit into her lower lip, looking a little lost. I reached my hand out to her, desperate to touch her skin. She looked at my hand then her eyes rose to meet mine again.

  "I...I'm so sorry," she stammered out as her eyes welled up with emotion, a stray tear gliding down her left cheek. She squeezed her eyes shut and bowed her head in shame. It ripped me apart to see that look on her perfect face. She didn't do anything to be ashamed of.

  "Sydney," I said firmly. "Stop it."

  Her head popped up and she met my eyes again, a startled look on her face.

  "You have nothing to be ashamed of," I told her vehemently. "This is all on me, baby. If I had just told you everything, this wouldn't have happened."

  "I shouldn't have run out on you," she sobbed, still not touching me. "I was a selfish bitch, and it almost cost me everything. I almost killed you."

  "No," I said, shaking my head. "I almost killed me. I was a selfish fucking prick and a dumb-ass. If I had just told you about that bitch, you wouldn't have listened to a word she said."

  She stood there pursing her lips, her eyes still filled with shame and uncertainty. I suddenly realized she was punishing herself by denying herself my touch. It was a self-destructive behavior I had used against myself many times.

  "Please," I pleaded and reached toward her again. She laid her ice down on the edge of my bed, and finally took my hand in her uninjured one and gripped it tightly. I let out a sigh at the feeling of rightness that came over me as her fingers twined with mine. They were cold from the ice pack, but I didn't care. I didn't ever want to let go of her again. "Is your hand okay?" I asked her softly.

  She nodded wordlessly, then a sob tore out of her, her body starting to shake as I watched her fall apart. I pulled her closer, and she collapsed against me. I hugged her, not even caring about the burst of pain the weight of her upper body on my chest caused me. I tucked her head under my chin and cradled her, feeling her wrenching sobs shudder through her body. I breathed in her scent and held her, as long as I could, before the pain made me start to tremble, my breath coming out in a grunt.

  She rose up abruptly. "I'm hurting you," she said as her eyes filled with concern.

  "I don't care." I forced out and then held my breath, trying to ride out the pain. I screwed my eyes shut and gritted my teeth, but it was becoming unbearable.

  "Do you need more pain meds, baby?" she asked in a worried tone.

  "No," I grunted out. "Don't wanna sleep, wanna be with you."

  "Don't be an idiot," she said with exasperation. "I'll still be here when you wake up. I'm not going to sit and watch you suffer because you're being a stubborn asshole."

  I felt gentle fingers caress my cheek and opened my eyes to see her annoyed, yet tender expression. There were still tears on her face.

  "Alright," I whispered in acquiescence and closed my eyes against the pain again.

  A few moments later, the nurse was walking out of the room, and my head was swimming in hazy relief. Sydney took a seat on the chair next to me and smiled at me.

  "Is that better?" she asked.

  "Yes," I uttered with a nod.

  "Are you going to be a stubborn asshole about it next time you're in pain?"

  "Maybe," I mumbled with a weak smile as I struggled to focus on her face.

  "You are exasperating, you know that?"

  I nodded in agreement as my eyes drifted closed. I was out before I could hear what else she had to say about me.

  I was suddenly aware of voices talking. It felt like I had only been asleep for a second or two, but it must have been a lot longer than that. I recognized Sydney's voice as her words became clear.

  "It was awful, Lauren," she said. Ah, her sister was here. Good. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to interrupt them.

  "I know, Syd." Lauren's voice was sympathetic. "I'm glad that he's still
alive."

  "The seizure he had in the ambulance was even scarier. I don't want to see anything like that again," Sydney continued, her voice sounding tired. I had no idea that I had a seizure. It was a startling revelation. What the fuck had I done to myself and to her, for making her see something like that?

  "Is he going to be alright?" Lauren asked then.

  "Yeah, but he's in a lot of pain from the CPR David gave him. He's doped up on pain medicine right now."

  There was a long pause after that, and I swear I could feel their eyes on me.

  "I'm sorry, Sydney," Lauren finally spoke, her voice filled with remorse. "I said some things I shouldn't have the other day, hurtful things. Helping you was never a burden. I want you to know that, and I didn't mean to imply it either."

  "I know you just want what's best for me."

  "I do, but you're an adult now, and you get to choose what's best for yourself. I keep forgetting that," Lauren said. "I just can't stand seeing you hurting. It scares me. I'm afraid that if something hurts you bad enough, you'll try to hurt yourself again."

  "I finally understand what it was like for you, seeing someone you love try to kill themselves." Sydney's voice wavered. "I'm sorry I did that to you."

  They stopped talking, but I could hear their sobbing as they cried together. I cracked my eyes open just enough to see them hugging each other at the foot of my bed, then closed them as Sydney looked toward me. I allowed myself to drift off again, letting them have their moment together.

  There was a strange weight on my arm when I woke up again. I glanced down to see Sydney slumped forward in her chair, her head resting on top of my forearm as she slept. Her good hand was on mine, the injured one cradled safely in her lap. It looked really uncomfortable.

  "Sydney," I whispered, not wanting to startle her. "Wake up, baby."

  "Hmm?" she whimpered as she stirred. She lifted her head slowly, and it took a moment for her eyes to focus on mine. Her stunning gray eyes were so beautiful that it struck me speechless for a moment. "What?" she finally asked after I didn't say anything, her voice gravelly from sleep.

  "Why don't you come lay up here with me?" I suggested when I could manage to talk again. "You look so tired, baby."