The Remedy Files: Illusion

by Lauren Eckhardt

  We joke that sometimes people try to get themselves hurt so they can actually be in control of what they eat and the care they receive when they qualify as an overnight patient. It’s about the only time a regular resident in Impetus can hold that much control, that much power. Otherwise, outside of being a patient, there’s little that we actually decide for ourselves. Most people are fine with that because we don’t question life otherwise. However, being with Gavin, I’ve become comfortable with questioning things and I’m wondering more frequently what life would be like without all the regulations.

  The door suddenly swings open as Jacqueline walks in with her long curly brown hair braided and her hunter green backpack swung over her shoulder. “I didn’t think you were working tonight!” Jacqueline strides across the room, gives me a quick big hug, and then takes a seat in one of the chairs, swinging her legs over the side.

  “I’m not. I just--” I couldn’t tell her about the strange man I ran into which propelled me into hiding out in the office. I need to talk to Gavin about it first. Jacqueline wouldn’t understand. She wouldn’t see it as weird. “--thought I would check in on Caroline.” I lie.

  “Oh Evangeline… tell me you aren’t starting to believe the stories. We both know it wasn’t your fault.” She stands up and puts a hand on my shoulder just like Ethan did earlier. This is why they are great match. They need to be paired, not Caroline with Ethan and definitely not me. Ethan and Jacqueline are essentially the same person in so many ways. They would create children for the community that are intelligent, kind, creative, and fun. Perfection pairing. That’s what they call it- that’s what the Board aims for so hopefully they see it just as clearly as I do.

  Instead of responding, I just shrug. I already lied once to Jacqueline; I didn’t want to do it again. She’s my best friend and I tell almost everything to her. Except things that have to do with Gavin, and except the things I want to tell Gavin about first. He tells me when I shouldn’t tell anyone else. Although I rarely understand the reason behind it, I follow his commands because I trust him.

  I sigh out loud. I trust him. Oh, I’ve been so stupid. Why didn’t I just let him talk to me? Now here I am, skipping a meeting with him. It’s the first time since I was 6 years old that I haven’t gone to see him during the week. I doubt he’s still there. Our meeting was supposed to be an hour ago. He would have given up, I’m sure of it. I still want to check, though.

  I can’t risk that strange man seeing me again, though. He would realize something is suspicious and then be rewarded for turning me into the Officials with breaking one of the biggest community offenses.

  Jacqueline wrongly takes my loud sigh as being related to Caroline. “I was going to ask a favor from you but it sounds like maybe a night in the Home would be best after the long day I’m sure you’ve had.” She’s looking into my eyes, trying to read my thoughts, obviously struggling to not ask me about them.

  I bring my attention back to her. “Don’t be silly. Ask away.”

  “I was wondering if maybe you could work my shift for me? Especially since you’re already here...” She lowers her voice to a whisper, “I passed Ethan, Damian, and Brennan on the way here and Damian asked if I wanted to join them for a ball game.” Her eyes dance. “Do you mind, Evangeline? I’d owe you one big time!”

  I give her a big smile. It was a good thing that Damian invited her so that way she could be seen spending time with Ethan in a very social and public place. Surely several members of the Board will catch them in between their Community rounds. “I don’t mind at all. Have a great time!”

  She squeals and gives me a big hug. “You are the best! I’ll stop by your room later tonight!” Jacqueline flashes a double thumbs up sign before closing the door behind her.

  The quiet resumes and within seconds, thoughts of Gavin and the strange man come rushing back. I sit down, suddenly aware that my breathing has gotten heavier, breaths shorter. Circles of lights swirl in front of me.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  I stand up, slightly unsteady and go swipe my bracelet under one of the Remedy cube dispensers. As my name pops on the screen, so does the word “Late” as I realize I forgot my lunch dose.

  Get it together, Evangeline. I chastise myself. You will see Gavin tomorrow, and everything will be okay again. He will have the answers.

  Little did I know, I was about to encounter an experience I’ve never had before. It was brief, but every second I knew was made to occur. It was worth missing a meeting with Gavin, which I never thought anything would ever be.

  I could never share it with Gavin, though. It was something I wouldn’t understand but I expected him to understand even less.

  CHAPTER 11

  All during my shift, I keep thinking about Gavin. My mind is in a bit of a fog as I deal with scheduling appointments, taking payments, and recording meeting notes for all the patients. I keep watching the clock after making a final decision to make a quick break to our typical spot just to see if Gavin was still waiting or if he left a note at all. Or at the very least, I can leave a note. It’s worth it, I tell myself. If I can get out right at 7:00, that would be give me an hour before the recommended time to be back in the Home and two hours if absolutely needed before the final lockdown occurred and checks were enforced. Sure, it’s going to be a little dark, but I’ve done the trip enough over the years that I’ll find my way. I can’t hold out until tomorrow; it’s too important.

  At about 6:55 pm, I’m rushing to finish up the logs from that evening when Doctor Bordine appears from the back room. He hands me a chart, the red hair on the back of his hand standing to attention. “Evangeline, I may need you to stay a few minutes late tonight. Please page Mr. Breesmain and tell him to come to the Clinic.”

  This never happens and of course tonight when I have something I absolutely need to do, the Doctor asks me to stay. There’s nothing I can do except nod. As the Doctor walks away, I open up the chart.

  Patient: Angela Breesmain (#878)

  Age: 22

  Spouse: Liam Breesmain (#893), 22

  Synopsis: Year 4 of unsuccessful attempts. Patient is now 8 months

  pregnant with first success, 6th check up.

  I pick up the phone and press the community page button, “Mr. Breesmain, please join us at the Clinic. Thank you.”

  I close the chart and set it back down on the desk. Grabbing a pen and piece of paper, I scribe a quick note for Gavin that I can leave behind in case he’s no longer at our spot. If he’s not there, does that mean he’s back at his Community? Of course that’s where he’s at right now. Besides, he has to eat sometime. I’m sure he’s sitting down with his pairing now. She’s probably laughing as she’s telling him about something funny that happened today. He’s listening attentively to her, waiting to share everything that happened in his own day. Gavin probably hasn’t even thought once about how I didn’t show up. He just went on with his day. He has her, so of course he did.

  The Clinic door swings open, interrupting my thoughts. A man with a strong jaw line and dimples in his cheeks appears. His lean frame fills the doorframe as he easily stands a couple of inches above six feet. His brown hair is matted to his forehead and he has raindrops dripping off the edge of his nose. He steps in the office, wiping his feet on the mat and lets the door close behind him.

  “Hello, I am Liam Breesmain. I believe I was paged.” His long legged stride quickly brings him to the front desk. His eyes are a dark brown with what I think is a hint of extremely dark green similar to my own and surrounded by thick black eyelashes.

  Immediately I feel like I’ve seen him from a distance before but I can’t remember from where. I take a deep breath. Wow, his scent- a combination of soap, fresh rain, and something a little sweet almost like the vanilla I’ve been able to catch a hint of when they use it in the co-op bakery. It’s better than the early morning fresh air.

  “Can I please see your ID?”

  He extends his left arm, wrist facing upw
ards. His skin is a bit darker as though he spends a lot of time outside- similar to Gavin’s flesh tone. I take the handheld scanner and scan his wrist monitor as the beep confirms his identity.

  There is a hint of dirt on his wrist and without thinking, I take my thumb to my tongue to wet it and bring it back to the spot to rub the dirt off. I watch as little tiny bumps multiply across his arm and I notice the same on my own.

  A smile spreads across my face. I’ve never seen those before but know they’re called goosebumps from Gavin telling me about concepts in his Feelings book. It’s one of the bodily reactions that can occur. Before I can hide my smile, I look up at him and find him staring down into my eyes. I return his lingering gaze and for a moment, I forget where we are. My mind is racing as it seems like I know him. I can’t think of where I would have seen him and can’t imagine I would forget. Not with a man that looks like he does.

  Beep, beep. Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

  Simultaneously, our monitors are alerted. I launch into action mode as I pull him around the wall rather forcefully and hit the button on the Emergency Remedy Reload cube. I quickly scan his wrist and mine in order to get our Remedy doses. I hand him his pill and at the same time we throw our heads back and take ours together. We stand in silence for a moment watching one another. The moment is peaceful and serene like what I have early in the mornings when I can’t sleep and go for a walk. All I can think is that I like it. I could stay like this and I wouldn’t ask for anything else.

  “Is everything alright?” Doctor Bordine comes in from his office. He must have retreated to his office and not in the back like I thought. In one step he’s next to us and checks Mr. Breesmain’s monitor and then grabs for mine. “I thought I heard beeping.”

  “No, everything is fine, Doctor.” I pull my arm away from him and hide it behind my back. “This is Mr. Breesmain.”

  “Mr. Breesmain. Nice to officially meet you.” They both shake hands briefly. “So everything is okay?

  “Yes, Doctor.” Liam confirms.

  “Alright then, please come with me.”

  Liam follows Doctor Bordine out of the room into the back portion of the Clinic. I watch him, silently pleading for him to turn his head and look back at me, but he never does. Where do I know him from? The way he was looking at me… he has to remember me from somewhere too.

  I spend the next thirty minutes cleaning the office and doing whatever I can to stall. I want to catch another look of Liam. Maybe if I saw him again, I would remember why he looks so familiar. I rack my brain trying to come up with an excuse to go into the back, if there was anything I could give the nurses or maybe even just act as a caring visitor for Caroline. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I can officially check on Caroline.

  With this newfound excuse, I give a quick check in the mirror, put on some chapstick, take a deep breath and head to the back. As I get to the door, I run smack into the Doctor as he is coming through.

  “Evangeline? You shouldn’t be here still.”

  “You told me to stay late, sir. I was just seeing if there’s anything else you needed me to do.”

  “No, no. You can go. Hurry on up, as there’s not much time left.” He glances at the clock on the wall “Almost 8:00. I won’t be held responsible for you being late.”

  I thought about telling him I want to check on Caroline quickly first but knew Doctor Bordine well enough that he would view that as an act of rebellion against authority. In his role, he serves as a member of the Board since he gets a lot of personal visits with people of the community. The last thing I needed was an act of disobedience on my record when he was part of the committee making decisions about my personal future.

  I nod. “Goodnight, sir.”

  I turn on my heel and proceed to the front office. Leaning over the desk, I grab my bag, and hit the light switch which then brings the front desk steel screen down with a thud.

  As I enter the dim evening air, I realize my eyes are darting around in search of the strange man I saw earlier. Or maybe they are in search of Liam. What a strange day. Two new encounters behind walls that have always been the same and predictable: one that didn’t seem good; and something else that seemed too good.

  I have never seen bumps on my arm before. I want to ask Gavin what that means. I don’t remember what sort of feelings they are tied with. But I can’t ask him. He would want to know details of the situation that caused the reaction and I just know I can’t tell him about Liam. Gavin would chastise me about how foolish my thoughts were to be so intrigued by a man who has a pairing. How disrespectful it is to refer to him as Liam instead of Mr. Breesmain. How wasteful it is for my thoughts to linger and replay the few moments I had with him over and over again. It’s like I want to think about him. I’m not even controlling it. I’m thinking about him without even trying to think about him.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  Seriously, again? This is going to create some bad records for me. I already anticipate the nurse’s call telling me I need to come in and make sure my dosage levels are accurate. If I get called in, they’re going to check my eyes again which is bad news. If I’ve seen the color change, I’m sure they’re going to be able to tell that too.

  I evaluate where I’m at. The only refill centers open after 8:00 are the emergency ones at the Clinic and located in each of the Homes. I haven’t even reached the Lightstones yet so there’s no other option- I have to turn back to the Clinic.

  I pull the dark blue zip up hoodie out of my bag that I use for my secret trips to see Gavin and wrap it around my left wrist in efforts to hide the beeping noise from the Doctor. It muffles it a bit, hopefully enough to slide in without Doctor Bordine hearing it. I check my watch. I have to make this quick- I’ll be cutting it close to the 9:00 final check for the night. I sprint back. Along the way, the beeping noise picks up in pace.

  I open the front door of the Clinic and poke my head in. No sign of the Doctor. Hopefully he has gone home or is in the back room. I rush over to the Emergency Reload and scan my wrist. I can’t believe I was just doing this an hour earlier. Maybe my dosage levels do need adjusting.

  I grab the pill, and throw it back in my throat. Right as I swallow, I hear a loud shout and a door open, freezing my movement. Doctor Bordine is still here. I quickly slide under the front counter, crouching low and praying that no visitors walk through the door and spot me. The Doctor never leaves or enters through the front and hopefully tonight won’t be the exception.

  “Damnit!” A slam of a fist. The counter above me shakes. He must be on the other side of the screen. “Yes, I’m looking at her file now. They should have alerted us faster!... Well what are we going to do with him? It makes sense with her but do we really have a case for him?... I get that. I knew that from the moment I saw him. There’s no way the General will be on board... I just knew we should have done this years ago. If they aren’t successful in year one, the chances decrease and things become riskier. But no one wants to listen to me… Well it has to occur soon! And you need to make the final call. You rallied for the role…” his voice fades and I listen to his footsteps as he disappears in the back again.

  When I hear his office door slam, I hurriedly stand up, and sprint to the front door, closing it softly behind me. I run as fast as I can all the way back to the Level 17 Home. As I sneak to my room and crawl into bed with my clothes still on, I hear the lock on my room door click into place right at 9:00 pm. That was an extremely close call. I’ve been cutting it way too close lately, truly walking on the edge of Impetus rules.

  Lying in bed, I’m able to recap what I just heard. Who was the Doctor talking to? He has always spoken abruptly but I have never heard him shout so fiercely before. Who was he talking about? He said the decision needs to be made soon. The Futures Ceremony is soon… was he talking about one of my classmates or even… me? Or what if it was about Jacqueline since we both work there? Did we do something recently to cause a last minute change?

  Then a thought strike
s me. There’s only one of us who is there at the Clinic right now.

  Oh my goodness… Caroline.

  CHAPTER 12

  “Evangeline!” Jacqueline throws herself on my bed and puts the back of her hand on her forehead dramatically. “I looked for you alllllll last night but you were nowhere to be found!”

  I squint through my sleep filled eyes. “Good morning.” My voice is groggy.

  “Ewww. You sound like a man!” She lies on her side, prompting herself with her elbow. “You know I can’t ask but I want to know!”

  I yawn and stretch out my arms before sitting up myself. “Doctor Bordine had me work late last night, that’s all.” Then Liam’s beautiful eyes pop into my mind and I think for a moment I can still smell his scent.

  “Why are you smiling so weird?”

  I didn’t even know I was. I immediately try to cover it with, “Just wanted to ask how the ball game was but you know I can’t!” I try to equal the pitch of her voice in return but struggle with recently waking up.

  Jacqueline leans back with both of her arms behind her head. “We rocked it. I was on Ethan’s team and we totally won 8-3. And not only that but three of the town officials came to watch! THREE!” She squeals. “They have to see how perfect Ethan and I would be together.”

  “I’m sure they do.” I say confidently. Then the doctor’s call last night rolls into my mind.

  Poor Caroline. She has been staying in the Clinic for a couple of days now. I wouldn’t doubt that they are seeing her true personality. She definitely hasn’t tried to hide it from the stories I overhear the nurses sharing. Since the Doctor is part of the Board, he must have reported back those stories and now they’re making last minute decisions for her.

  What could they be? If they change the pairings with her, it’s going to have to affect someone else too. Either the man she was supposed to be paired with will now be Unpaired or someone else’s original pairing will be switched out. That’s just like Caroline- everything she does has an impact on someone else, I swear.