The Remedy Files: Illusion

by Lauren Eckhardt

  ***

  A jolt in my body makes me wake up. Someone is screaming in my ear. No, that’s me. I’m screaming but I can’t stop.

  “Shhhh…” I feel a hand rubbing my back

  Sweat is dripping down my face and arms. I try to turn over so I’m lying on my back but I can barely move. My head is pounding and every single one of my body parts is on alert- some as though on fire and others with a throbbing ache.

  “Here, let me help.” Someone slowly and ever so gently rolls me over. It is pitch dark so I wait for my eyes to adjust. The sound of a match striking a box propels a small flickering light which sweeps over the scene in front of me.

  I gasp and try to crawl backwards using my arms but the pain is so great I simply collapse. I look into a face that I’ve seen once but have dreamt about so many times since. His now completely amber eyes are peering into mine.

  He reaches out and brushes my hair out of my face. “I’m Liam,” he says.

  Liam… My heart feels like it is beating out of my chest. I think he can hear it and see it, for that matter.

  I turn my head to the left and the right but it is still too dark to see anything that falls outside of the candle’s glow. “Where am I?” All I can see are trees and a variety of canvases shaped like tents in between. Further down through the darkness I make out the outline of a fire dancing in the night. When I look back at Liam, fear overcomes me. “I am very sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I shouldn’t have asked.” My throat becomes drier than what it was already. “Please don’t tell anyone.” I can’t handle being punished again.

  Liam gives a little smile. It is the same smile he gave me when we first met. I feel a warm chill run through my body. “It’s okay. We’re in a community called Rebirth. It’s okay to ask questions here.” He pauses, then reveals, “Gavin is hunting for food. He should be back soon and he told me to let you know that.”

  Gavin? I pull myself up. I need to see him. “Gavin is here?”

  Liam nods. “We have been taking turns to keep watch on you to make sure you are okay. Speaking of, don’t push it yet.” He helps me lay back down. “You’re not ready yet.”

  “How long have I been here?”

  “We got you out a few days ago. You’ve been hard asleep since then.”

  I suddenly have so many questions. “How did you get here?” I ask.

  Liam dips a towel into a bowl, wrings it out and then lays it on my forehead. A coolness covers my forehead. It feels really good in the midst of fire that seems to be pulsating through my body.

  “We’ll have time for more questions later. Right now you need to continue to rest so we can get some strength in you. Do you feel like you can eat?”

  My stomach turns at the thought of food. “I- I’m not sure.” I stutter.

  “Well, let’s at least try. It has been days since you’ve had anything. I will be right back.” Liam stands up and I listen to the crunch of the leaves as he walks away.

  Silence. I turn my head in the direction Liam walked despite the pain in my neck. I can’t see his outline anymore. I look in the other direction. Nobody is in sight.

  He said he would return, Evangeline, I try to coax myself. He will be back.

  I mumble out loud, “Please come back.”

  Silence.

  “Hello?”

  Nobody responds.

  Did he abandon me? What if he was lying about Gavin? What if Liam was the one that put me in the box? What if he wants me to die? Does he think I killed his wife and child? Does he think I’m involved since I work at the Clinic? Is he trying to get revenge?

  I scream. “Help! Somebody help me! Help!”

  The crunching of the leaves returns at a quicker pace than before.

  “No! No, not you! Somebody help!”

  Liam drops to his knees next to me and puts his hand on my arm. “Evangeline, shhh, it’s going to be okay. I’m here.”

  “No! Go away!”

  “Evangeline-“

  “I didn’t do it! I didn’t kill your baby!”

  Liam’s mouth drops open and he falls back with his arms bracing his weight. He looks stunned as water fills his eyes. He speaks but then stops, letting his head drop, his eyes turned to the ground.

  More crunching of leaves. “Evie, are you awake?” Gavin. His voice. His nickname for me.

  “Gavin! You’re here!” I cry out. I am surprised by my relief to see him.

  I see the outline of Gavin’s body appear as he gets closer to the light. He jogs over to me, dropping the gear from his back to the ground. He gently helps lift me up, puts his arms around me, and cradles me into his chest. Brushing my hair with his hand, he whispers into my ear, “Just breathe. I am here now. I am so sorry I left. I needed to get some more food.”

  Tears run down my face. Despite my pain, I feel so happy. Happy. This is what happiness is. Gavin is here.

  He holds me as tightly as he can without hurting me. After several moments of silence, I lift my head and look behind us. Liam has left. I didn’t hear him leave.

  “Gavin,” I look up at him, his blue eyes piercing my own. “I don’t understand. I need to know what’s going on.”

  He nods and moves his hand in tiny circles around my back. It makes me want to fall asleep.

  “There’s no easy way to say this and I was going to wait a few days until you recovered. However, I know you well enough to know the questions won’t stop until you have answers.” He chuckles lightly. I try to return his smile but feel strained to even do that. “Evangeline, your community punished you for your denial of pairing during the Futures Ceremony. No one has ever rejected them before in such a public way. They saw it as a sign of rebellion which, as you know, is not tolerated in Impetus.”

  My head is spinning. I was punished by my community? For refusing a future they made up? I can’t believe they were the ones that put me in a glass box! They left me to die without food, water, or Remedy… Remedy!

  “Gavin, I need my Remedy!” I try to squirm out of Gavin’s arms. “Oww! Gavin! That hurts!” Gavin’s arms tighten around me. “Let me go! You’re supposed to help me!”

  Instead of loosening his grip, Gavin stiffens it even more. “Please stop moving. Evie. Stop. Look at your wrist. It’s gone. The monitor is gone and you’re still okay.” I glance down at my wrist and see the thick white blotch of my skin from where the monitor had been all my life. Completely bare. It looks so strange. “You need to listen to me and trust me. I have never led you astray and you know it.”

  I stop struggling. Gavin was right. As scared as I am right now, he has never put me at risk. I trust him with my entire life. I know he would only do what it took to protect me. “Okay, I’ll listen.”

  Gavin takes a deep breath and says, “The Remedy is a lie. It’s a drug used to help keep control on people in Impetus by neutralizing their physical and emotional feelings. When you rebelled against the Community Board, it shows that the purposes of the Remedy can be overcome which is not acceptable. The glass box is a torture device used to punish people who rebel. They put you in it without Remedy so that you would have to feel the most awful kind of pain which is even worse when you are not used to feeling at all. They do it to remind you to follow the rules established by Impetus in efforts for you to depend on them even more.”

  Remedy isn’t real? It’s a lie? I don’t understand. “Why were so many Community people waking right by me? Were they told to not help me?” I shudder at the thought.

  “Picture the Remedy advertisements located in the center of the streets. Those square steel rectangles that remind people the importance of taking their Remedy? You were locked in one of those which are called punishment chambers. Even though you were able to see out of it like clear glass, all anyone who walked by you saw was the Remedy advertisement. They can’t see inside the box. Like you never could when you walked by them.”

  “But Gavin… there is one box down each street in Impetus. Please don’t say that each one of those is a
punishment chamber.”

  Gavin looks away from me. “I’m afraid so.”

  How many people have I walked by every day as they withered in pain, wondering why I wasn’t stopping to help them? The thought made me feel as though I could vomit again. Strong waves of nausea flow through me.

  “You referred to those boxes as punishment chambers but I felt like I was going to die. Were they trying to kill me?”

  “What you experienced is called withdrawal. It’s what happens when someone takes away a drug that they are addicted to. Impetus has made all of its members completely reliable on Remedy and has fed you the idea that if you don’t take it, then you will die. Of course when you’re addicted to it, you feel like you will die without it. The wrist monitors don’t determine how close you are to death based off of not taking the Remedy. It only identifies your sense of feeling returning which is why it probably felt like you were dying since it was completely different than anything you have experienced before. The monitors would beep when you were starting to sense a feeling that was either higher or lower than neutral.”

  I let his words repeat in my head over and over again, trying to get them to sink in. There is so much to digest.

  “Gavin, why do people want to feel? This is horrible. I am so glad you don’t have to.”

  “Evie,” Gavin lets out a sigh. “I can feel. I’ve been able to for many years.”

  “But you said you read a book…”

  “I wasn’t able to explain to you about Remedy and what it was doing to you. I wanted you to feel so badly. It’s not always terrible. There are some great feelings. You will soon discover those too, I promise. Right now you are still experiencing withdrawal.” He ran his fingers lightly down the side of my cheek. “I can feel your smooth cheek and the slight hint of tears that are beginning to dry. Can you feel me?”

  I can. I can feel Gavin’s finger stroke the side of my cheek. His touch feels so warm and welcoming. For the first time in twelve years since we have played this game, I am finally able to answer, “Yes.” My body begins to relax from his touch and my breathing becomes heavier. “Please keep doing that,” I request.

  A hazy thought enters my mind and I barely find the energy to mumble, “Liam won’t hurt me?”

  Gavin’s voice seems so far away as though coming through my ear as a slight breeze. “He asked the same thing about you.”

  “What?” My word is slurred. Speaking suddenly seems like the hardest thing in the world to do.

  “He knew you worked at the Clinic. He wasn’t sure how much knowledge you had of… things. No, he’s a good guy. You can trust him.”

  That’s all I needed to hear. It doesn’t take long for me to fall into a deep, peaceful sleep.

  CHAPTER 20

  The next morning I am awakened by the sounds of numerous voices. I look over to the side and see Gavin asleep several feet away on a blanket set on a pile of leaves. I slowly sit up, my head is hammering but less so than what it was yesterday.

  To my left is where all the voices are stemming from. I barely see the outlines of several men and women who look busy with different activities. A couple of them seem to be cooking. I take a deep breath in. Yes, it smells so good. Roasted peppers and sausage. My nose has always been able to pick up on specific food smells. Jacqueline used to make fun of me.

  My stomach growls. I feel hungry. I feel, I think again, smiling at the thought.

  I swing my feet over the side of the cot and wonder if I should try standing up.

  “Be careful.”

  I jump a little and look behind me. Liam is standing there with a cup and plate in his hands.

  “Can I come a little closer?”

  I nod and slide over on the cot to make room for him. Liam instead sits down on the ground facing me.

  “Liam, I need to apologize…”

  “Don’t. I understand.” He lifts up the plate in his hand. “I brought you some food. Do you want to try to eat?”

  “Yes, thank you.” I grab the plate from him and survey the contents. There are tiny chunks of the peppers and sausages I smelled as well as a variety of berries and melons. I pick one of the berries and put it in my mouth. The juice squirts my tongue and I am enjoying feeling something I’ve never been able to feel before. I toss the berry back and forth in my mouth a little bit and finally swallow. Instantly my face becomes warm and my stomach twists. I don’t think the food is going to stay down. I take a couple of deep breathes and the feeling escapes. I think I will be okay after all.

  I wait a minute to make sure the queasiness is gone and then pop another berry in my mouth. “So how long have you been here?” Hopefully the conversation will help keep me distracted as I attempt to eat.

  Liam is swirling the contents inside his cup. He looks up at the sky, and then replies “It’s been a couple of weeks now.”

  “Why did you leave our Community?” Then a horrible thought crosses my mind. “Were you punished as well?”

  “No.” I see his mind working. “Well, not exactly.”

  I tear a piece of the sausage off and put it in my mouth. The flavors fill my senses. This tastes so good. I shove another piece in my mouth before I swallow the last bit. “What happened then?”

  “I guess you can say Gavin kind of saved me like he saved you. Despite the common hero, our stories are quite a bit different, though. It actually happened not long after I first met you…”

  Oh no, the heat wave rolls through my body. All of a sudden I feel dizzy. I drop the plate and lean over to the side of the cot away from Liam as everything I just swallowed comes back up and falls to the ground.

  Liam instantly jumps up and pulls my hair out of my face. He rubs my back as I heave over and over again, not leaving anything at all left in my system when there was already little to nothing. When I finally cannot vomit anymore at all, Liam tilts me back in his arms and pours some of the liquid in his cup down my throat. The cool water runs over the rawness of my throat in efforts to soothe it.

  After the cup is empty, Liam continues to lean me all the way down until my head is resting on the cot pillow. “Get some more rest, Evangeline. We will try food again another time.”

  I watch Liam clean up the mess I made and walk towards the center of Rebirth. I lay on my side, holding my stomach and wishing the nausea would go away.

  When I turn over on my other side, I think I catch Gavin’s eyes open but they close before I can be sure he is awake. I watch him for a bit before my own eyes get heavier and I let the exhaustion overtake me.

  ***

  I am in the glass box again. No! I pound on the clear panel walls and scream as loud as I can. “Help me! Somebody help me!” I lift my fist to beat them again and when I do, the walls move in a little closer. I pound again, and the walls move in even more so. The box is getting smaller!

  I hear a loud noise and look out past the walls. It’s Gavin! “Gavin look at me! I am in the box again! You have to help me!”

  Gavin is walking down the street towards me. He is looking directly into my eyes. He must see me. Somebody can see me this time!

  As Gavin gets closer, I feel the ground violently shake. In the distance behind him, tops of the trees fall to the ground and smoke billows up behind them. We’re back in the forest.

  “Gavin, run! You have to run!”

  The aggressively trembling ground causes Gavin’s walk to become unbalanced. The rumbling roar is growing louder and more distinct every second. The shiny steel frame appears, reflecting the sun’s rays and making the scene behind Gavin light up in a blinding glow. The train’s size is multiplying as it moves in closer to Gavin.

  “Turn around! Train! Watch out for the train!” I hammer on the walls, screaming as loud as I can in efforts to get him to see what’s coming for him. The box I’m in is getting smaller, smashing my face and body between the panes of glass. I can’t breathe.

  Gavin is getting closer to the box and I see the smirk that I have grown so accustomed to- my
smirk – start to appear on his face. Before it can spread completely, I watch in horror as the train knocks him down, rolling over his body, slicing him with the thin wheels.

  “Noooo! Gavin!”

  Cold water splashes my face. “Evangeline, wake up!”

  I am sobbing and crying so hard I cannot catch my breath.

  Somebody yells, “Get Gavin! Hurry, go find Gavin and tell him to get back now!”

  Gavin? Gavin is alive?

  I force my eyes open, wiping the water from my face with the back of my hand as best as I can. My body is shaking and convulsing so much I am having a hard time controlling it.

  “Come here,” says a voice. Arms wrap around me. My head is pressed against his chest. I can hear a heartbeat. I focus on the steady thump, thump, thump. Gavin. Gavin is alive. I take a deep breath in. Soap, fresh water rain and a scent that I cannot place but just want to keep breathing in.

  I pull my head away from his chest and look up. That’s not Gavin.

  “Liam.” My voice can barely force his name out.

  His hand travels from my upper back to my lower back, repeating the movement. The fiery chill ripples through me each time the cycle repeats. I glance down at my arm and see those tiny bumps appear that initially showed up weeks ago when I first touched Liam.

  Suddenly he stops and pulls away. “I’m sorry Evangeline. I am probably the last person you want to comfort you. Gavin is hunting and I know this is what he does when you have your nightmares, and… well, I didn’t know what else to do… you seemed so distraught and I wanted to help.”

  I look at Liam, allowing myself to get lost in his eyes. He’s kind and gentle despite his tall and broad shoulder frame. My eyes travel down to his mouth. His lips are slightly parted and surrounded by scruff in his slow growing beard unlike the clean-shaven man I had first met months ago. He smells so good. The scent alone relaxes me. I feel safe and I know this.