What It Takes: A Kowalski Reunion Novel

by Shannon Stacey

Once he’d walked away, Laney ate her brownie and tried not to think about Ben. It had been two days since she’d dropped him off at the fire station. He’d texted her later that evening so she’d have his number, and they’d exchanged a few text messages since, but she hadn’t really talked to him since she’d left his bed. And the longer it went, the more she worried about seeing him again.

  Once the brownie was gone, she realized she’d need a drink, so she went to the long folding table that held three big drink dispensers. Two of them had lemonade and the other was iced tea. After considering the amount of sugar she’d just consumed, she opted for the iced tea.

  “The only way you could keep up with me on the trails is if you were on the end of a tow strap hooked to my back bumper,” she heard Stephanie say.

  When she turned, Laney saw that she was talking to Bobby, Mike and Lisa’s youngest son. He was getting ready to turn fourteen soon, according to his mother. Brian, who was sixteen, was just watching them while eating from a pile of potato chips in his hand.

  “I could drive in Reverse and go faster than you,” Bobby told his cousin.

  “Any time you want to race, brat. But have a tissue in your pocket for when you cry in the losers circle.”

  “Like I’m going to get beat by a girl.”

  “Hey! The only thing a man can do that a woman can’t do is piss in his own face.”

  “Stephanie!”

  The young woman rolled her eyes at her mother’s tone. “Language. Sorry. But it’s true.”

  Laney couldn’t hold back her smile, so she turned a little, hoping Terry wouldn’t see it. But she couldn’t help admiring the girl’s attitude. Maybe her statement wasn’t exactly true, but she was willing to bet Stephanie would never stay too long in a bad relationship because it seemed easier than being on her own.

  “That’s enough with you two,” Terry said. “You’re not racing, so there’s no sense in bickering with each other all day.”

  Laney’s phone vibrated in her pocket and she felt her pulse quicken. She pulled it out and read the text message from Ben.

  I’ll be there in about an hour. I hope there’s food left.

  She’d see him again in about an hour. That meant she had less than an hour to worry about how that first face-to-face was going to go. They just fired the grills, so you’ll be just in time.

  Awesome. See you then.

  She slipped the phone back in her pocket and blew out a breath. Then she topped off her iced tea and went in search of her cousin.

  Nola was talking to some people Laney didn’t know, but she said something and then separated from them when she saw her coming. “Are you having a good time?”

  “Yeah.” Laney looked at all the people milling around and jerked her head toward the front of the camper. “Want to go have some quiet for a few minutes?”

  Nobody stopped them as they walked to Laney’s camper. Once they were seated in the pink chairs, Nola looked at her and frowned. “What’s going on?”

  “So, I slept with Ben.”

  “Huh. I really thought you’d look happier about that.”

  Laney laughed. “I was very happy, trust me. But I haven’t seen him since then and he’ll be here in an hour and I don’t know how I feel about it.”

  “Wait, since when? I saw you two days ago and you wanted nothing to do with a conversation about sex with him.”

  “I wanted nothing to do with that conversation in the diner, which is basically the home base of gossip in every small town.”

  “That’s actually the market in Whitford because Fran’s so dedicated to it, but the diner would be second, I guess.”

  “Okay, fine. I didn’t want to have that conversation in the gossip central runner-up. But it was after that. After lunch, when I was walking back to the market and he was outside the fire station.”

  Nola leaned back in her seat, and then she laughed. “You’re going to have to start giving up some details because you and him both being on the main street at the same time isn’t helping me understand how sex got involved.”

  “He offered to go shopping with me and he got some groceries, so we drove to his place. I carried some groceries up and his bed was right there and...we had sex and then I drove him back to the fire station and luckily got Rosie’s groceries to her before the ice melted.”

  “That’s pretty much the least romantic first time story I’ve ever heard.”

  “No, it was good. It was better than good. It was...perfect.”

  “I’m still hung up on the fact he offered to go grocery shopping with you. That part’s kind of romantic.”

  “You’re not helping.” She took a long sip of iced tea, hoping to calm her nerves.

  “Okay, so you haven’t talked to him since?”

  “A few text messages, but no, not really.”

  “I’m not really the best at relationship advice under the best of circumstances, but I’m trying,” Nola said. “And I think I’d have a better idea of what to say if I knew what the problem was. Are you afraid he’s going to show up thinking you’re his girlfriend now, or are you afraid he won’t?”

  “I don’t want a boyfriend,” Laney said, but she wasn’t sure if she meant it or if it was a reflex. “What good was coming to Maine and living in a camper for the summer to learn how to be myself without a man in my life if I let a man into my life?”

  “You came here to find your joy. I think if something—or somebody—makes you happy, you should be open to it because maybe that’s part of the joy.”

  She thought she understood what Nola was trying to say, but she couldn’t let go of the fear. Fear that if she wasn’t strong enough yet to live her life the way she wanted to before letting somebody else share it with her, she would fade away again.

  “You don’t know how he feels about it?” her cousin asked.

  “About me? Not really, other than he’s attracted to me and we seem to be good friends. But I do know he wants to settle down and start a family as soon as possible. We’re in very different places in that respect. But he knows that.”

  “You might be thinking too much about it. If he knows you’re not at that place, then he might not have any expectations. You won’t know how it is until you see him, so you’re winding yourself up for nothing.”

  That was easy for Nola to say. She wasn’t about to have a potentially awkward moment in front of essentially the entire town.

  Emma

  She loved her in-laws like crazy, but right now Emma wished her grandmother was there with her. Sean was surrounded by his family and old friends and people who’d known him his entire life, and it just drove home to her how much he was from this place.

  To give herself a break, she took Johnny into the camper for some quiet time. She knew he needed it because he didn’t put up a struggle. Instead, with the air conditioner cooling him off and offering the low hum of white noise, he’d curled up on the big bed with a couple of stuffed animals. He’d be asleep within five minutes as long as nobody interrupted them.

  And she felt better just being inside what was now her grandmother’s home, even if it was on wheels. It was a comfort, and she smiled when she looked at the framed picture of Cat and Russell that was screwed to one of the kitchen cabinets.

  Then she saw the sticky note on the next cabinet over. The small yellow square was filled with Sean’s handwriting, and her eyes were already filling up with tears as she peeled it off.

  No matter what I’m doing right now, I’m thinking about you because I love you.

  She sighed and wiped at her eyes before she could drip tears on his note. Random sticky notes from her husband weren’t a surprise. He’d gotten in the habit of leaving sticky notes on the mirror in the bathroom they shared back when they were trying to fool her grandmother into thinking they were engaged and
they weren’t always free to talk to each other in the house. And he’d continued leaving them after their pretend romance became a very real one, though they’d become more about loving her and less about hating certain green vegetables.

  What surprised her was how often the sticky notes appeared when she needed them the most. They lifted her mood or soothed her anxieties and, no matter what was going in life, reminded her she was loved. And now, when she was taking refuge in the RV and hadn’t even known he’d packed sticky notes and a Sharpie. Or scavenged them from Josh’s office. But instead of peace, today’s note just made the turmoil churn harder in her mind.

  What would she do if he brought up the possibility of moving to Whitford?

  Before they’d arrived here, the thought would never have crossed her mind. She wasn’t totally sure it would have occurred to Sean, either. But it was crossing her mind now. Every time she saw Sean or Johnny with Rosie and was struck by the strength of that bond. When she saw him with his brothers, all of them looking younger and happier just because they were together and enjoying it so much.

  And she didn’t want to lean on practical considerations. Yes, she’d spent years building her landscaping business and there wasn’t much call for her specialty in this part of Maine. Sean, too, had built a reputation just in the years he’d been working in the area. But when push came to shove, they were jobs. They could probably find work in the area. And the house was paid for, but it could be sold.

  She ignored the jolt of pain that thought caused her for now. It was a house. And her grandmother and Russell could drive their RV to Maine just as easily and often as they drove it to New Hampshire. She wanted Sean to be happy and he was certainly happy here.

  But she wasn’t sure she would be, and it just started the loop of what if over in her head. Rather than drive herself into a real crying jag, she ran her fingertip over the words Sean had written on the sticky note and then tucked it into her purse. She had a wooden trunk in her closet where she kept them all and she’d add this one when they got home.

  Home. Sighing, she went to tuck a light blanket over her sleeping son in case the AC was blowing too much on him. Then she carefully stretched out beside him and closed her eyes, trying to let her tension ease away as she listened to Johnny’s soft breathing.

  Chapter Thirteen

  When Ben finally pulled into the clearing behind the Northern Star, he was exhausted. The calls had started shortly after Laney dropped him back at the station, and except for late-night and early-morning hours when people weren’t supposed to be riding, he’d pretty much been on the run.

  Luckily, most of them had been overreactions or minor injuries, but the last call had flipped the switch from tired to utterly drained. Jordan, the fire department’s youngest volunteer, had ridden Ben’s ATV behind the side-by-side so Ben could ride with the patient. She’d been in excruciating pain and he’d been afraid to give her too much for the broken hip because she’d seemed mentally altered, too. Mildly, but even with her helmet on, she might have suffered a concussion and he needed to be able to monitor that, as well. Her crying had been heartbreaking and it had taken a toll on all of them.

  But as he’d done for years, he did his best to take the incident and mentally file it away as he parked his four-wheeler alongside the others. He needed food and some laughs, and he needed to see Laney’s face.

  It would have been easier to find her face if Rosie hadn’t invited the entire town, he thought. He wandered around the crowd, saying hello and making small talk. He deflected all the questions about the calls he’d been on, preferring to focus on the happy vibe running through the gathering.

  He finally found her near the food tables, where she was helping set up the condiments. Her face lit up when she saw him, and it felt like a weight tumbled off his shoulders. “Hi, Laney.”

  “You look exhausted,” she said, frowning as she moved closer to him. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. It’s been busy, so I’m hoping to get enough downtime to eat some of this food before my phone goes off.”

  “Do you think it will?”

  “I hope not. I’m going to tell myself all the riders are back at wherever they’re staying, barbecuing.” He shrugged. “It’s a holiday weekend and that’s how they go. Are you having fun?”

  “Yeah. It’s getting a little hectic now that it’s time to set up the food, but it’s been fun so far. Are Drew and Matt here, too?”

  “They will be. Matt needed to take some pictures and make sure the ATV is taken care of and Drew went back into town to deal with somebody setting off fireworks in their backyard, and then he’s driving over.”

  “That’s good. Can I get you anything?”

  “No, I’ll go grab some lemonade and wait my turn for food.”

  When she smiled and went back to the table she’d been setting up, he tried to tell himself she was just busy, but that wasn’t the vibe he’d gotten from her.

  Laney was holding back. He wasn’t sure if she was upset about something specific or she was trying to put some distance between them after they’d made love in his apartment, but she was definitely trying to keep him at arm’s length. He hadn’t expected her to kiss him in front of everybody, but she hadn’t so much as touched his arm.

  And he’d go along with it. For now. The sex had been incredible and maybe that, combined with the fact they’d grown close enough so she’d been worried about it, had been too much for her. He knew she was still trying to regain her footing after being married a long time and an ugly divorce, and that would take time.

  Right now he would just remember the way she’d smiled so brightly in the instant she first saw him. Before she put her guard up, for whatever reason.

  Once the food started coming off the grills—steak, burgers, chicken and hot dogs—to be set out with the most astonishing array of potluck dishes he’d ever seen, Ben filled his plate and found an open spot at a picnic table. Conversation went on around him, mostly about sports, but he focused on eating. He needed the sustenance.

  Once he’d cleaned his plate, he realized he should get up and move around or there was a very real possibility he’d go to sleep sitting there on the picnic table bench. He tossed his plate and went to refill his cup with lemonade. Maybe a little sugar would help.

  Rosie had just finished dumping more iced tea in a dispenser when he got to the beverage table, and she gave him a long look. “You know you can go find yourself an empty bed in the lodge and get some rest. Somebody will make sure you wake up if there’s an emergency.”

  “Thanks, but I keep telling myself if I hold out a few more hours, everybody should be off the trails for the night and I can actually sleep.”

  “You know you’re welcome to sleep here. The older kids didn’t move into the lodge like I expected them to, so there are beds already made up and everything.”

  What he really wanted to do was crawl into Laney’s bed, hold her close and fall asleep breathing in the scent of her shampoo. “You know, I might take you up on that, Rosie. I’m pretty beat.”

  Her eyes widened. “You must be if you’re admitting it.”

  He chuckled and leaned over the table to refill his cup. “I’m not as stubborn as some of the men you know.”

  She rolled her eyes. “And thank the heavens for that.”

  A half hour later, he was reconsidering her offer of a place to nap when Laney turned up next to him. She was close, so she could keep her voice low. “Can you walk with me for a minute?”

  “Of course.” He tossed his empty cup in the garbage and followed her. She didn’t walk toward her camper, but toward the field instead.

  “I’ve had so much anxiety about seeing you again,” she said. “I wasn’t sure what to expect.”

  “I wasn’t either, to be honest.”

  “And now it’s awkward, whi
ch is the last thing I wanted. And I’m not really sure how to fix it.”

  It wasn’t helped by the fact he could see she was keeping them within view of the lodge’s guests, which automatically kept some distance between them. “I don’t think anything needs fixing, Laney. Neither of us really knows where we stand because we haven’t talked about it, and I’m really tired right now, but I don’t think everything has to change.”

  She stopped walking and turned to face him, though she remained just out of arm’s reach. “You said you’d give me only what I want.”

  “And I meant it.”

  She nodded, her eyes sad. “I just... I don’t know what I want right now. I did in that moment. And I know I don’t want to not see you again. But other than that, I’m just not sure.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Laney. I know you’re trying to figure things out in your life, and I’m not trying to put any pressure on you. We’ll just hang out and take it day by day.”

  “I feel like that’s not fair to you.”

  He shrugged, trying for a nonchalance he didn’t feel. “I’m not going to run out and find a wife who’ll put up with me thinking about you twenty-four seven, so for right now, I guess I don’t know exactly what I want, either.”

  “So we’re okay, even if I hit the brakes a little?”

  “We’re okay.” As long as he knew where he stood, he could manage his expectations. He just needed to be careful not to let his heart get involved.

  Then his phone vibrated and he dropped his chin to his chest for a second before pulling it out and reading the screen.

  “Oh, no.” Laney did step closer, then, and put her hand on his forearm. “You can’t go back out. You’re exhausted. Let somebody else go.”

  “It’s bad. I have to go. And I probably won’t be back tonight, but I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

  She nodded, and he gave her a quick smile before heading for his ATV. Then he put her out of his mind because the text was from Matt, who’d come upon an accident on his way back, and it didn’t look good.