by J. G. Sumner
I don’t answer. There’s no point. It’s not going to do any good. Instead, I stand there shivering and trying desperately to hold on to the buzz that’s all too quickly fading away.
I’m not sure what happened, but I woke up still clothed and soaking wet in the bathtub. My body aches and I’m freezing. How long have I been here? I look around trying to figure out if I dreamt that Jasper was here or if it really happened.
My motel room is completely quiet, and I figure Jack took me on one hell of a ride. I crawl out of the bathtub and grab a towel from the rack. It’s musty smelling topped off with a hint of bleach. This is perhaps the cleanest I’ve been in days and I didn’t even use soap.
I stare at the reflection of the man standing in front of the mirror. He looks a lot better than yesterday although still a bit of a train wreck. What if what I dreamt is real? What if the baby is mine? That would mean I left the love of my life and the only family I have left because of my own selfishness, and threw myself one hell of a pity party. I may have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.
Why would she even consider taking me back? I left her in the hospital without as much as a second thought. I allowed Kate to go through a pregnancy alone. Let’s not talk about her dad. How can I ever look at him and actually think he’d have any respect for me?
I need a fucking drink. I strip from my wet clothes and wrap the towel around my waist. I don’t think I have anything clean, and I’m not about to do any laundry. That’s just way too much work. I’ll just have to stay sober enough to make it to a store to get some new ones. I walk to the kitchenette and almost shit myself. Fucking Jasper is sitting in a chair playing on his phone.
My world starts spinning but not because of a hangover or from being drunk. Everything I thought was a dream swirls around in my head like a tornado. I get glimpses of things that happened during my drunken stupor.
“Is this for real?”
Jasper lets out a hearty laugh. “Yup. It’s me sitting here, live and in the flesh.” He pinches himself.
“Why? Why are you here?”
“You’ve done enough wallowing. The party is over. I’m taking your arse home. It’s time to man up.” Jasper puts his phone down and bores his beady eyes into me.
“I don’t want to go. I’m staying here.” I search through the couple of cabinets and the mini fridge for Mr. Daniels. Much to my dismay, he’s gone, and there’s no doubt Jasper had a hand in that.
“Why the fuck not? You’re about to become a dad. You owe it to this kid and to Kate to get your shit together and be around for, at the very least, your son and with any luck, Kate.” Jasper points his finger at my face like my father used to do. It’s a bit intimidating; I won’t lie. I know he can off me with his pinky if he wanted to.
“I’ve screwed everything up. I can’t go back there. What would I say to Kate? ‘I’m sorry for being the biggest douchebag you’ve ever met?’ Or I know, ‘I’m sorry for coming into your life and wanting to take advantage of you so my cousin could fucking kidnap you not once but twice, beat the shit out of you, and rape you? Oh, and then, to top it off, I ran away when I thought you were pregnant with his baby even though it was my fault he got to you in the first place.’ Yeah, Jasper. I don’t think it’s going to work out.” I slam one of the cabinet doors, pissed that I have nothing to ease the pain that inflicts not only my heart but every layer of my being.
Jasper stands up and hovers over me. “Kate doesn’t want this for you. She wants you to come back.”
“And how the fuck do you know that? Why would she want me?” I walk toward the pile of stale laundry and grab a pair of boxer briefs. I need to get out of here.
Jasper follows me into the closet. “We’ve been keeping tabs on you. She doesn’t want you to kill yourself. Kate still loves you.”
“I doubt that’s true. How could that possibly be?” I slide on a pair of jeans and grab a T-shirt.
“I didn’t say she wants you back. I said she loves you. She’ll probably always love and care for you. After all, you are the father of her son.”
“Why do you keep saying that? How do you know I’m the dad?”
He sighs deeply and pauses before speaking. “If you hadn’t run off so quickly, you would’ve known that Kate didn’t want to carry the baby if it was Matteo’s. She didn’t think she could live with the constant reminder day after day of what she went through. Her father hired some genetics doctor who specializes in early pregnancy DNA testing. It was risky, but Kate felt it was the only way. Anyhow, the doctor performed the test and compared the baby’s DNA with yours. It was a perfect match.”
I stand in place, unable to move and hardly able to comprehend what Jasper is telling me. I’m a bigger dickhead than I was just five minutes ago. What Kate’s been through and what she’s done for us is overwhelming. I don’t know what to think. “How did she get my DNA?”
“Really? You’re going to focus on the little details? The minutia?”
“Yeah. I want to know how she got my DNA. I want to be damn sure that kid is mine.” I walk back toward the kitchenette to find my room key.
“Have you forgotten who I am? You don’t think I would have a sample of your DNA somewhere? And I thought we were friends.” Jasper smiles at me.
I should’ve known he had a hand in all of this. “That’s great. Well, I’m glad you guys got that worked out, but I’m not going back. I’m no good for Kate. I only bring her pain and suffering.”
“You bloody self-absorbed prick. Do you have any idea how much she’s been through since you’ve been gone? Do you think this pregnancy has been easy on her? She didn’t have to carry Matteo’s baby, but instead she was left with a daily reminder of you. The man who left her high and dry. You owe it to her to get your arse back on a plane and grovel for her forgiveness. I’ll take you kicking and screaming if I have to.” Jasper slaps his hand down on mine refusing to let me pick up the room key.
I look away, unable to stare into the eyes that show nothing but truth. I can’t handle it. “I need a drink.” I pull my hand away and take the key with it.
“Mate, that’s the last thing you need. You’re right, though. We’re getting out of here. Grab whatever shit you can’t live without. You’re not coming back here.”
I recognize the tone in Jasper’s voice well enough to know he’s not messing around and it won’t do me any good to argue. I glance around the shitty dump I’ve been staying in. This is perhaps the most sober I’ve been since I got here, and I can’t believe this is where I’ve been living. I’ve truly hit rock bottom. “Let’s go. There’s nothing for me here but some dirty laundry.” I open the door and leave this motel for good. I’m not sure where I’m going, but it won’t be back here.
Chapter Two
Tony
Jasper hails us a cab and we stop by Urban Outfitters. He makes sure I stay in the car and instructs the driver not to leave. I wasn’t about to go anywhere. It’s pointless. Jasper would only track me down and beat the crap out of me.
Jasper is in and out in a matter of minutes with a few new outfits, and we are off again. This time we end up at the Marriott down by the convention center. The building is enormous and right on the water. I look forward to the prospect of staying in a clean room without roaches and ants.
He leads me up the elevator. It’s not lost on me how the doormen, staff, and guests stare at me. I must look like a homeless person. Truthfully, I’m not too far off. We get off at the top floor penthouse suite. The room is the nicest thing I’ve been around since I left New York. Crown molding runs along the ceilings, a complete kitchen is to my left as I enter, and the living room is straight in front of me. It’s nothing shy of expensive and tasteful. I have to say, I kind of miss the luxuries.
“Get in the shower. There’s some shaving cream and a razor in the bathroom. Go and get yourself cleaned up and then we’re going to put some food in your stomach. You’re withering away into nothingness.” Jasper throws the bag from
Urban Outfitters at me.
I catch it and already know he’s picked out some clothes that will make me look like the British prick he is, when suddenly it dawns on me how lucky I am to have a friend like Jasper. He’s not going to put up with any of my shit. I suppose it’s just what I need right now; that and a bottle of Jack.
I head into the bathroom and smile at the glass shower before me that boasts four shower heads, a bench, and could probably hold a small party inside. I turn on the water and let it warm up as I take off my clothes. The scent of alcohol, vomit, and sweat permeates the air. I’m fucking disgusting. How did I spin so far out of control?
I get in the shower and let the water hit my skin. It’s lukewarm, but is like jumping in a pool on a hot summer day. As the water warms, I allow it to beat down, burning my skin as it washes away all the pain, guilt, and self-hatred that I’ve accumulated over the past few months. My soul isn’t completely purged, but at least I’m getting clean.
I finish washing my hair and body, and then I get out and shave. My beard has grown long enough that I could be confused with a terrorist. As the hair comes off, I realize how sunken my face has become. My eyes are a cloudy jade color instead of the emeralds they used to be. My cheekbones stick out farther than I’ve ever seen before. My ribs are protruding and my muscle mass has decreased significantly. I barely recognize the person staring back at me.
Once I finish putting on the jeans and Henley shirt Jasper purchased, I head back into the living room where he’s flicking through some television channels. He lets out a loud whistle. “Now you’re looking good.”
“Shut the fuck up. I look like shit.” My hands begin to shake from what I presume is the lack of alcohol in my system. “I need a drink.”
Jasper stands up. “I don’t think so, mate. You’re going on the wagon for a while until you can get your shit together and figure some things out.”
I plop down on the couch not knowing what Jasper has planned for me, but aware that I have a long road ahead, especially if I can’t drink. There are a lot of demons I have to face and one beautiful angel I’m going to have to beg forgiveness from. I can’t imagine what I’ll say to her.
“Let’s go, mate. You need to get some food to put meat on that skinny arse of yours. How much fucking weight did you lose?” Jasper paves the way to the door.
“Too much. Where are we going?” I get off of the couch and follow Jasper out the door.
“There’s supposed to be this really good Hawaiian fusion restaurant here in the hotel. I thought we could try it out. I figure you haven’t eaten anything worth a crap since you left. So, it’s time to start over and what a better way than with a decent meal.”
We hop in the elevator and get off at the lobby level. As we walk past a few restaurants, my stomach grumbles. I inhale the savory scents permeating the air. We pass a bar and my hands tremble and ball into fists as I refuse to give in to the urge that I’m having a very hard time overcoming.
We cross over a pedestrian bridge that leads us into the next building. On my left are boats docked in the bay, and on my right, is an island paradise of beautiful pools with cabanas and another bar. I glance at one of the women lying by the pool. I do a double take thinking it is Kate. My heart races, and I’m consumed with a nervous energy while trying to figure out what I’m going to say to her. I walk a bit faster with a sudden urgency to get to her. As I get closer, I realize my eyes are playing tricks on me. It’s not Kate. Just a woman who looks similar from far away.
“What are you doing?” Jasper is looking at me like I have two heads.
“Nothing. I just thought I saw Kate.” I slow my pace to match Jasper’s.
He laughs. “I can assure you Kate is at home tucked snuggly in her bed. She’s not allowed to fly. She’s too pregnant.”
My heart drops and all the feelings I’ve tried so desperately to ignore over the last few months are resurfacing with a vengeance. It’s as though someone is pushing a stake right through my chest.
“This is exactly why you need to get it together and go back to her. You love her to the depths of your soul. Any idiot can see that. Kate isn’t someone you can forget.” Jasper wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in to him.
We walk down the steps and enter the bar of the restaurant. TI’s compilation with Rhianna “Live Your Life” is the prominent sound floating through the room over the few patrons that mingle amongst the tables and bar. My hand thumps against my leg to the beat of the music. I love the song and it now has an entirely new meaning to me. Live your life. I haven’t been living. I’ve been slowly drinking myself to death. And for what? Because I’m too big of a pussy to deal with Kate’s pregnancy? When the fuck am I going to grow up and get my shit together?
We make our way past the bar toward the hostess desk. I had hoped Jasper was going to stop and order us a couple beers, but no such luck. He’s serious about me getting sober. I just don’t know if I’m quite ready. Clearly, I’m going to have to get my head on straight and figure some shit out.
The hostess seats us next to a window overlooking the bay. Jasper asks for seating in the outside bar, but because of the cool February weather, it’s closed. People walk past the window bundled in scarves and overcoats. I chuckle. The temperature is in the sixties, but the locals are dressed as though they’re in Manhattan where it’s easily in the twenties this time of year.
I pick up the menu and begin perusing the selection of items. Most everything is seafood, but there is chicken and red meat as well.
“My name is Conner. I’m going to be your waiter tonight. Can I start you off with anything to drink?” The blond-haired, blue-eyed man looks to be in his early twenties and the surfer-type.
“He’d like a water and I’ll take a Guinness.” Jasper pipes in before I can get a word out.
My jaw ticks and the thought of having a beer makes my mouth salivate. I stop the urge to order my own ale with a double shot of Jack. Conner goes over the menu and the specials before scurrying off to retrieve my water. Even the thought of it makes a groan erupt from my throat.
“You’re going to have to learn to get some self-control. You can’t drink, Mate. You’ve got to get your head on straight first and quit hiding from your problems. The path of destruction you’ve headed down needs to be cleaned up and you’re the only one who can do it.” Jasper picks up the menu and stares at it as though the conversation is over.
“One drink isn’t going to hurt.” If I keep telling myself this, maybe it will become true.
Jasper lets out a loud belly laugh. “Is that what you’ve been telling yourself the last few months? Is that how you got to the state you’re in? You’re in worse shape than I thought. That water is going to be the best thing you can put in your system besides the food we’re going to order. You look malnourished. I can’t imagine the damage your liver has suffered.” Jasper continues to glance over the menu.
There’s no arguing with him. I’m not going to get the drink my body so desperately craves. All I can do is suck it up and work through the impending shakes that are just waiting to ravage my body.
Conner returns with my water and Jasper’s Guinness. I take a sip and grimace from the nonexistent burn and warm, numbing feeling. Instead, I get a lack of flavor in a liquid that cools my raw throat.
Jasper orders a couple of appetizers and a miso-glazed salmon dish before motioning to me to pick something out. I choose the seared ahi with rice and asparagus, and agree to share Jasper’s appetizers.
When Conner walks away, I brace myself to ask the question I’ve been avoiding, knowing it was only a matter of time before we got to the issue at hand. “How is she?”
Jasper’s eyebrows raise as though he’s surprised by my question. He doesn’t make eye contact. Instead, he stares into the cool, dark liquid that I so desperately want a taste of. “She’s not well.” Jasper pauses and I wait for him to continue. Meanwhile, a barrage of thoughts attacks my brain. How is she not well? Is she sick
? Is there something wrong with the baby?
“The last thing any woman wants to do is face a pregnancy by herself. Not only has she had to do that, but she’s had to deal with all the emotions surrounding your departure. How do you think she’d feel? She was fucking raped over and over. She already felt no man would ever want to touch her again, most of all you. I think the only thing that got her through the mess is knowing that you were out there somewhere looking for her. Then, she’s rescued and you take off. What she went through was too much for you to handle. Did you even consider what he put her through psychologically? Did you know that she tried to make herself fall in love with him to protect you? I don’t know what you did to get that woman to fall in love with you, but she did and you go and screw the entire thing up. It’s just like you did with all your other girlfriends. You’re lucky none of them have come after you for being such a dick.” Jasper takes a sip of his beer.
I rub my hand along my clean-shaven face and take a deep breath as I close my eyes. I’m a piece of shit. I’ve known it since I dashed out of that hospital with my tail between my legs. I push back from the table and stand. The only thing I know how to do well is numb the pain, and that’s what I intend to do now.
Before I can take a step, Jasper shoots up next to me and grabs my arm. “Don’t even fucking think about it! Don’t you take the coward’s way out. You’re going to face this head-on. No more running.” He grits his teeth. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen Jasper this mad, let alone at me.
To fight would be futile. To run would be hopeless. Because of the beating I’ve given my body, I don’t have the strength in me to go up against Jasper. I choose the only option available and sit back down in the chair.
“Kate’s mother and Kendall have been helping her through this. David and Charles have been working mostly as a distraction. When you left, they got their daughter back, but they lost a son and a brother. I don’t think you truly appreciated how much those people loved you.” Jasper’s knuckles turn white from gripping the pint glass so hard.
