“Of course. We’ll have to go and meet with the funeral director next week to go over the arrangements. We can go over the details in the next few days.”
“Thank you.”
I drop the phone onto the duvet and look at Aiden. His sad smile is still there.
My morning routine has morphed into our routine. Aiden spends every night in my bed. He goes off to do whatever it is he does, visits his grandad, and I see him when he comes home in the evening.
He buys me coffee, leaves me notes to check on how I’m feeling, but I can’t find the courage or strength to tell him. I’ve loved many of my submissives. I just wasn’t in love with them. Aiden looks at me like I am the sun in his sky. He hasn’t said anything, but he doesn’t have to. The adoring look in his eyes has only grown in intensity.
All I feel is numb. A foggy haze protects me like a barrier against anything that could affect me.
I force myself to function. I prepare to make a stop at the office before the funeral and work my way out of this limbo. The world is still turning, after all. I give myself a mental pep talk and pull back the covers.
“Hey, where are you going?”
“To work. I have some paperwork I need to review before the sale next week.”
“Surely it can wait. Your mum just died.” The concern in Aiden’s voice doesn’t give me pause. The paperwork can wait, but right now, I need to do something to stop my mind from thinking about Mum.
“No, it can’t wait.”
“Yes, it can. Look, if you need to get out of the house we can go and do something for the day? We can go into Bath…”
“Stop! You don’t get to tell me what to do. I don’t take orders from you.”
“I know that, but...”
“Then why are you telling me I shouldn’t go to work? I take my job seriously, which is more than I can say for you. You come and go as you please without a care in the world. Do you even have a job? Responsibilities?” My words flow unchecked, and I see the blows as each one lands.
He steps back and lowers his gaze. “You’re hurting, and I’m trying to be here for you, but I won’t have you talk to me like that.”
“Like what? Like the boy who’s playing around with the older woman? Playing at being submissive? I think it’s time to just admit what this is. It’s been fun, but we don’t have a future.”
“You really mean that?”
I push past his wounded voice. “Yes.”
“Well, it’s good to know where I stand. I don’t believe you, by the way.”
“Well, you don’t get a say in this.”
“This isn’t you, Natasha. And if you…”
“Just leave!” I roar. Rage erupts from inside me, and I hold onto the ball in my chest.
“I’m going to leave, but only because you’re hurting. I wish you’d let me in. You can scream and shout, but this isn’t over between us.”
“You don’t get to decide that.” I snap.
He holds my stare. I know I must look like a crazy bitch, but I can’t process with Aiden around. He’s made me vulnerable, and right now I needed to be steel.
He turns away and leaves the room. I hold my breath until I hear the front door slam shut, and then the air rushes out of my lungs.
I stand still for a moment, listening for anything else, but I’m confronted with silence. Nothing interrupts the sound of my beating heart ringing in my ears. I slump onto the bed, and the numb haze I’ve been living through the last few days clears like clouds parting for the sun.
Shit! I shouldn’t have lost it at Aiden as I did. I lashed out, and it was unfair of me to put him in the firing line. Everything I said mirrored what I was thinking. But I should never have spoken to him in that way. With my outpour at Aiden, my mind and my feelings seem to balance out. I’ve been lost in a fog where my heart-ache and grief have mixed with my early love for Aiden, confusing me until I don’t know what I’m feeling.
I do know that my one way out is to cling to reality. It might be hard, but that was life. Nothing is permanent. This week had proved that.
Aiden and I had no future. He’s years younger than me, and although our relationship is different to those of my past, it doesn’t automatically mean we had a clear path in front of us. I could see no way past the huge barriers blocking our way. My decision is the right one.
But that didn’t excuse my poor behaviour.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted. I appreciate you being here for me, but I think we should be honest with each other.
Don’t worry. You made yourself clear, Miss Natasha. I’m going to give you some time. Don’t take my leaving for anything more than giving you space.
I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry. I think it’s best for us to go back to friends.
I wait for his reply, but it doesn’t come.
I push the disappointment and regret down along with the rest of my grief and lock them away. I’d been functioning just fine without examining them in the past. I certainly didn’t need to start now. Later would do.
Work occupies enough of my mind not to fret over my treatment of Aiden. However, keeping my mind clear of him is proving impossible. He’s always there. How could he not be?
My phone rings, and I answer it reluctantly. “Hello, Seb.”
“Good morning, Natasha. I wanted to touch base regarding the arrangements for this afternoon.”
“What about this afternoon?”
“We need to go and meet the funeral director today. We’d planned it for this afternoon.”
“I’m at work now. When do we need to do it?”
“Why are you at work?”
“Don’t you start, Sebastian. My mother died. It doesn’t make me incompetent.”
“I know it doesn’t, but you should give yourself some time.”
“I don’t need time. I need to get on with work and keep busy.”
“Okay. Are you still able to meet me this afternoon? It’s set for 3:00 p.m.”
“I can make that.” I soften my voice. I need to stop being a bitch and get a grasp on my emotions.
“I’ll pick you up at 2:30 p.m. Will Aiden be at your house?”
“No.”
Seb pauses. The type of knowing refrain for which he’s famous. Seb is going to push back and on cue… “Right. Want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“You can’t do this, you know. If you don’t deal with your feelings, they will take on a life of their own.”
“Don’t lecture me, Seb. Please. I feel shitty for the way I spoke to him earlier. I’ve apologised. But I think it’s for the best. And I apologise for being short with you.”
“Don’t make any rash or hasty decisions right now. You don’t know what you’re feeling.”
“I’ll talk to you later.” I hang up before I say something I’ll really regret.
Seb had already gone over the details of Mum’s death with me and the coroner’s liaison officer. It didn’t help that I now knew she died of a heart attack. She was still gone.
I can’t focus when we’re at the funeral home. My mind skips to what I said to Aiden, how I snapped at Seb, and saying goodbye to my mum. Everything has turned to shit around me, and I can feel my life spiralling out of control. I need to pull my head up to breath. As soon as the funeral arrangements are complete, Seb drops me home, and I race inside, strip off my clothes, and dive under the shower. The water envelopes me in warmth, but my body is still numb. I need to break out of this dome that surrounds me, penning me in, and preventing me from dealing with the hurt and anger in my gut.
Solace is the place I connect with the most. Solace is my centre and my grounding. I need to have that back. I need to find the part of me that has clarity of mind and switch it back on. I indulge in the shower, drowning under the spray. It’s peaceful and allows me to make the first proper choice since Mum passed.
As soon as the decision is clear in my mind, I can catch my breath.
I exit the sho
wer and dry off. I blow-dry my hair and straighten every little kink out of the ends until it’s glossy and smooth, gleaming back at me in the mirror. I purposefully choose the raunchiest outfit in my arsenal and slide into it. The lace spreads patterns across my torso and chest, the cream material playing tricks on my eyes as to what is material and what is skin. The leather trousers could be sprayed on, adding inches to my already long legs. My sky-high boots are more for show than practical wear, but the impression is what I needed. I grab my cape to conceal my outfit and head off.
Tonight, I’d walk into my world and claim my life back. I didn’t have to worry about Aiden.
Giles opens the door and nods his head as I enter. I hand him my black cape which he drapes over his arm. “Thank you, Giles.”
My long strides eat up the gleaming marble floor. Each step serves to announce my arrival. My spine straightens, and I carve my path to the staircase downstairs.
My heels echo as I descend, a thrill creeping further under my skin with every step. My heart begins to hammer, racing in my chest. I stalk the short hallway and approach the frosted glass entry, not altering my stride. The door opens, and I march through and into my playground.
Heads turn as they watch my entrance. I pay them no heed as I prowl through and assess the room.
Voices and sounds bombard me, blurring together and assaulting my senses. It pushes me off balance, and I fight against a wave of dizziness. I refuse to stop and admit any weakness and continue stalking the room.
The noise of the room is rivalled by my thumping heart, and my vision begins to waver. I suck in a lungful of oxygen, but it does little to clear my head.
Someone is talking to me… I watch a man walk away from me. His outline familiar. Was I just talking to him? My eyes dart around and things have shifted. I don’t recognise this song. Was there music playing a moment ago?
I try and shake my head. To find the clarity I felt just a few hours ago. My breathing speeds, and the dizziness isn’t clearing. The confidence that flooded my body when I walked in disintegrates in my veins.
I came here to escape my spiralling despair. I had to stop this… I had to.
I open my eyes and fight to regain my thoughts and focus. I am in my bedroom, but something is… off. My head swims as if I drank heavily last night. I sift through the memories looking for the answer, but I come up blank. About most of last night. And then it hits me. I feel the dread of the day seep into every fibre of my being. Today I have to say good bye.
I wear my favourite black skirt and team it with a bright red blouse. I don’t want to be dressed head to toe in black. That’s a uniform I don on too many occasions to wear it on this day as well. Red was one of Mum’s favourite colours. It’s what I want to wear, rather than what is appropriate for a funeral.
Seb had already conferred with me as to what I’d like included in the service today. I’d nodded at his suggestions for readings, but couldn’t remember what the order of service included. My mind has turned to haze, the fog creeping around my senses and shutting me out of my own thoughts.
The small waiting room at the crematorium holds several of Mum’s friends, including the Franks. Maggie and another nurse from The Pines are also present. My eyes run over everyone else in the room, looking for familiar blue eyes, but I don’t see them. Why would he come after everything I said to him?
I stiffen my spine and force the well of emotions to the bottom of my stomach. I won’t cry with all my friends and acquaintances present. That was something I couldn’t allow. I would fall apart in the privacy of my own home.
We’re called into the service, and Seb leads me through as I take my seat on the front bench with Izzy and him. I look around the room and see a handful of people. No relatives, just friends and neighbours of Mum’s.
If I were to die tomorrow, who would attend my funeral? The same people that are in this room today? If I develop Alzheimer’s, who would come and visit me? Tiny needles prick my eyes, and they shimmer with tears. I suck air through my nose and hold it in my chest, banishing the bite of the tears.
The constant in my life has always been my friends and Solace. Play partners came and went. Friends stayed. Solace stayed. Is that what I want for the rest of my life?
I sit diligently and listen to the service. My stare transfixes on the coffin and the wreath of sunflowers adorning the warm, mellow oak casket. My mind freezes the worries and concerns out and keeps my tears at bay. I make it through the service and watch the coffin roll out of sight behind a red curtain.
Izzy takes my hand in hers as we walk out into the fresh air, and she squeezes my fingers tightly in her grasp. We wait outside where the flowers and wreaths are laid. The wake will be at my mother’s house. I hadn’t stepped foot inside since I collected her things to move her to The Pines.
I’d left it vacant, unable to consider selling. The thought of going back there now sends shivers through my veins. It’s an empty shell without Mum.
Izzy doesn’t let go of my hand and continues to keep me close. I smile at the Franks as they walk past, and I follow their joined hands. They stop before they reach the car park, and Mr Frank straightens the small, net fascinator that Mrs Frank wears. He gives her a slight smile before catching something on her cheek with his thumb. He offers his arm which she gladly takes before they finish their short journey to the car.
“I need to go.” My chest tightens, and my throat constricts as I struggle to pull any air into my lungs.
“Sorry, what was that?” Izzy turns to give me her full attention.
“I need to go. I need to leave, Izzy. Now!” I drop her hand and march toward Seb’s car. My eyes can’t hold the tears that have been building all morning, and they drop past my lashes as I hurry away. A strong arm wraps around my shoulder before I reach the vehicle, but Seb doesn’t stop me. He stays with me until I reach the door and opens it with such force, I’m surprised it’s still on its hinge., I try to shield myself inside.
“Where do you need to go?”
“Just drive, Seb. I don’t care where. We can go to the wake late. I just need to be gone.” I choke the words in desperation.
“You got it.”
Seb reverses out of the car park, and my panic abates.
The tears don’t.
* * *
The sweet aroma of cut roses and lilies dominates as I walk into my mother’s house. The hum of voices carries through the downstairs, but I ignore it all. I rush the stairs and retreat to my bedroom, away from everyone.
The Franks would be downstairs. Together. The image of them holding hands, clinging to each other for support burns into my mind. Did I want that? Could I have that? Aiden comes to mind, but I dash the thought away. We had no future. I’d already chosen to live my life the way I wanted. I didn’t want children or a husband. The way Aiden looked at me, I knew he’d likely sacrifice those things for himself to be with me. It would tear a fissure through our relationship, bit-by-bit, day-by-day.
I made the right decision.
I’d been on my own for most of my life. Nothing needs to change.
With my feelings wrapped back up, I ease out of my room. The creek on the floorboard reminds me of sneaking downstairs when I was a child. I could never make it to the top of the stairs before Mum would call out from her room.
I push open her door and step inside. The air is stale, and specs of dust float about, visible in the shaft of light pouring in through the gap in the net curtain. Most of her belongings are at The Pines, but her beautiful armoire wardrobe still stands in the corner.
I pull open the door and look inside. On the top shelf, there’s the music box I used to play with as a girl. I pick it up and take it over to the bed. I lift the lid and wait for the music to play. The ballerina doesn’t spin. I jostle the box, but the only thing it does is help the diamonds mounted in the two rings to catch the light and sparkle from their cosy confines.
My mind travels back to the day I shared this memory with Aide
n. He told me about apples in his Grandad’s garden, and I shared my story about the music box. I’d told Aiden so many things that slipped like liquid from my tongue. It felt comfortable and easy to share my secrets with him. He’d keep them safe.
I miss him.
My fingers snap the lid shut and put the box back in the wardrobe. I dry my cheeks and brush my skirt straight. I could mourn later. I could grieve later. And I could fix the damn music box later.
With determination coursing through me, I hold my head up and march downstairs. Familiar people fill the kitchen, and Aiden is standing in the corner. He doesn’t make a move to talk to me, but I can see in the set of his jaw he longs to comfort me.
“Everything all right?” Seb comes and places his hands on my shoulders, gently easing me further into the kitchen.
“Fine. I just… needed a minute.” I turn to him and whisper, “Why is Aiden here?”
“I’d imagine because he cares for you and wants to be here to support you. Have you tried asking him?”
“Don’t be a wise guy, Seb.”
“He came with a couple of people who said they were from The Pines. He’s been here for a few hours. I’ve not said much to him, but he’s not going anywhere.”
“Hours?”
“Yes, you’ve been upstairs for some time. No one wanted to disturb you though.”
“I’m sorry. It felt like just a few minutes.”
The cottage kitchen is much bigger than mine and can accommodate the cluster of bodies. Aiden stands at the back while Izzy and Jess sit around the farmhouse table near the door.
“Thank you for coming. I apologise for hiding myself away for so long.”
“Please, it’s fine. Is there anything else we can do?” Izzy asks, her concern for me written all over her face.
“I’d love a cup of coffee.” I smile at Izzy.
Finally More: The Evermore Series Book 5 Page 16
