Who I'm Becoming

by S. Q. Williams

  “Alright, alright,” I said. “Now that I have your attention, I just want to make a toast.” I paused to burp. All the ladies in the room scrunched up their noses. “Well… it’s a new year, right?” Everyone nodded. “This band has come a looonngg way. We literally started at the bottom. Some nights, I sit around and think like… man, we were just strumming it out in my or Ben’s garage every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night. We practiced for hours, hoping we’d catch a gig that’d give us our big break.” I shrugged, waving the bottle. “I’m not trying to sound mushy or anything—”

  “Oh, please,” Eliza said, giggling. “We know you’re the softest of them all, Montana.” She winked at me.

  I gave her a playful evil eye. “Alright, well, I can get a little mushy,” I said as my words slurred together. “But that’s because we deserve this shit, man. This was a dream of ours. Never saw this time coming. I just want to give a toast to the band for staying strong and not letting anything come between us, to the family and the loved ones that surround us, making that bond even stronger, to Ben for being the best damn manager we ever could’ve asked for, and, of course, to the crew. We’d honestly be shit without you guys. All that shit y’all do in order for a show to go right is fucking astounding. So…” I stuck the corkscrew into the cork and yanked. The cork popped, and champagne spilled all over the floor. Everyone in the room hollered, and just as they erupted into cheers, fireworks went off in the distance. We could see it all from this room. We were in New York City with a view of snowcapped buildings and fireworks that illuminated the shimmering snow in a multitude of colors. Everyone cheered even louder, and I shouted, “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” which really caused an uproar.

  Everyone held out his or her empty champagne glasses, and I filled each one. Once I got around to everyone, I kept the rest of the bottle for myself and slouched into one of the leather chairs, sighing.

  Little time passed, and I couldn’t help but watch everyone celebrate. Roy and his fiancé Kelsey made out in the corner, her arms locked around him. Gage and Eliza were sitting on the sofa. Eliza held baby Grendel on her lap, and they kissed passionately before breaking it and staring into each other’s eyes. They loved each other. It was insane. Deed and his girlfriend Megan were hugged up as they stared ahead at the fireworks. It was a peaceful night. Everyone was happy… everyone had someone.

  After about thirty minutes, Eliza and Gage thought it would be best to get back to their hotel room and put Dalton to bed. “Ahh… I know why you two are really trying to escape,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows as they passed by.

  “Keep your perverted thoughts to yourself, Montana,” Gage said, laughing.

  “Oh… I will. I’m sure my thoughts won’t be as dirty as what you two are gonna do though, but that’s none of my business.” I shrugged. “Have fun. But don’t be too loud. Can’t afford to have it all interrupted by the little cries of Dalton.”

  Eliza gasped, fighting a blush.

  I burst out laughing, sinking into the sofa.

  “We’ll see you tomorrow, Montana,” she said, giving me a teasing stern eye before turning and walking away, hand in hand with her son. Gage said his goodbyes as well, and they were out.

  Roy and Kelsey were next, waving goodbye to everyone before leaving the room. All that was left was Deed and his girl, about six crewmembers, and Ben. I took the last gulp of my champagne and then stood to head to the kitchen. As I tossed the bottle in the bin, there was a knock at the door.

  “Got it,” I called.

  I stumbled towards the door, my eyes lazy and my body feeling way too loose. Perhaps I’d celebrated by myself a little too hard. I could hardly keep my shit together. Pulling the door open, I stepped back, but once I realized it was her, my spine immediately straightened.

  “Hi,” she murmured, waving a hand.

  “Hey, Princess.”

  She laughed. “You really shouldn’t call me that. I have a name, you know?”

  “Well maybe I’d call you by your name if I knew it.” I cocked an eyebrow.

  She chimed a laugh and then looked around me and into the mellow room. “Damn… I’m too late!”

  “Just a pinch.” I smiled.

  “Crap. See, I got held up in traffic and there were so many people on the streets.” She released a breath, groaning. “I feel like an awful backstage manager for not being here on time. I should’ve been here. It was only right.”

  “So that’s why you said I’d see you again… because you’re a manager backstage?”

  She smiled. “Guilty.”

  “Well, what were you doing? Why are you so late?”

  “I was working on a few things back at my hotel.”

  “Where’s your hotel? And what room?” I inquired.

  She giggled. “Nice try.”

  “Hey… I could walk you back.”

  She looked me over. “You’re pissy drunk.”

  “That may be so,” I breathed. “But I can manage.”

  “Uh… Montana…” she hesitated.

  I couldn’t miss out on this chance, so I quickly said, “Come on. I don’t want you walking back to your hotel alone. That’d be really fucked up on my behalf. People get real crazy on New Year’s.”

  Her cheeks burned scarlet as she tucked a light brown lock of hair behind her ear. “Okay. Okay. Fine. Just let me go say goodnight to everyone and then we can go.”

  I nodded and stepped back to allow her into the room. I waited by the door as she said goodnight to everyone. Then she came back my way moments later, smiling up at me. “Ready?”

  “For sure.”

  We started towards the elevator slowly, me stumbling like an idiot. “Are you okay?” she asked in a giggle, pressing the button.

  “Fine. Trust me, this is nothing new, Princess.”

  “Yeah… I’m not sure you can manage walking me three blocks from here.”

  My eyes expanded. “Three blocks!? What the fu—why’d you get a hotel so far away from everyone else?”

  She shrugged. “I was too late on booking here. The hotel I’m staying at is pretty cheap, too.”

  I nodded as if I understood, but really I didn’t… or either I didn’t really care. The elevator doors shot open, and Lauren stepped in first. I stumbled in behind her, running my shoulder into the wall.

  She burst out laughing, shaking her head as she looked me over. “Look, how about I just take you to your room, and I’ll call Shelby to see if she’ll let me stay in her room for the night?”

  “Oh no… I’m a man, baby girl. I can manage three blocks. I was just kidding about… well, you know. I was fucking with you.”

  She smiled genuinely. “I insist. I’d hate for something to happen to you on your way back.”

  “Nothing’s gonna happen, I swear.” I couldn’t fight my smile. Flirting with her was fun. Or maybe I was too drunk. In that moment, anything would’ve been fun to me. She placed the palm of her hand on my shoulder, shaking her head. She started to speak, but I leaned in towards her. Her breath immediately hitched, her eyes stretching. She stilled before me, and I revealed a lazy grin.

  A sudden urge took over me. I wanted to touch her—no, I needed to touch her. I wanted to feel something. I was attracted to this girl. Had been ever since I laid eyes on her.

  I leaned in closer, and my lips skimmed her cheek. I inhaled her honey scent. She sighed. “Montana, let me take you to your room, make sure you get there safely,” she murmured, her warm breath running across my skin. The hand she had on my shoulder was clutching my shirt. It was obvious she wanted a feel too.

  “Okay,” I responded. “To my room we’ll go.”

  I pressed the button to my floor, and the doors opened several seconds later. Silence crept between us, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was sort of… nice. After taking nearly decades shuffling around in my pockets and trying to find the hotel key, I stuffed it into the lock of the door and stumbled inside, laughing at my own idiocy.

  She followed i
n behind me, and I flipped the light switch. A dim light illuminated above her head, and she smiled. “Well… you’re here,” she breathed.

  “I am,” I said.

  “Do you… need anything?”

  “Nope,” I paused. “Well… just one thing.”

  “What might that be?

  “For you to stay.”

  She let out a light giggle. “Montana, you know I can’t stay.”

  “Why not?” I asked, stepping closer.

  She dared a step as well, angling her head and locking eyes with me. Bringing her hand up, she ran it across my cheek, and a faint smile appeared on her lips. “Because it would be wrong of me to sleep with you.”

  My dick pulsed. Her voice was smooth and seductive. It was sexy as hell with that accent. “Why would it be wrong?”

  “It’s a long story. Just know it would be.”

  “Don’t beat around the bush, Princess.”

  She smirked. “I’m not. Maybe when you’re sober…”

  I laughed, throwing my head back. “I guess that’s never then.”

  “Well, then I guess we’ll never have that experience, huh?” She was teasing the hell out of me. Her voice. Her body... so warm and close. Fuck.

  What made it worse was how she turned around and walked away, swinging her plump ass in those tight blue jeans. “I’ll see you in five days. Big show, right?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered. I couldn’t stop staring.

  “Good.” She opened the door.

  “Wait,” I called before she could make it out.

  She lifted both brows, glancing over her shoulder. “Yeah?”

  I walked towards her, licking my lips. “Tell me your name. I need to know it.”

  She lowered her head, biting a smile. “If I tell you my name will you take it easy for the rest of the night?”

  “I will… for you, Princess.”

  She paused, batting her mascaraed eyelashes while running her eyes up and down the length of my body. Her smoky eyes then met mine. She stepped back, and a warm hand pressed against my chest. She stood on the toes of her boots and whispered, “Lauren Harkin. Don’t forget it,” she murmured. “Because if you do, I won’t tell you my name again… you’ll just have to suffer with not knowing the name of the woman that, in every way, intrigues you.”

  My eyes stretched.

  And she smirked.

  And it was right there, in that moment, that she had me. It was in that moment when I realized I had to have her. I had to get her up under me. She was begging for it, and my body wasn’t denying it. I wanted her, and I wanted her something serious.

  An unexpected hand ran down my chest, slicing through my thoughts. The brunette groaned, and her eyes slowly opened. A small smile spread across her lips, but I didn’t return it. She’d been there long enough. It was time for her to go.

  Removing her hand, I sat up and pushed out of the bed, heading for the bathroom. “You should get outta here. I’ve got a long day ahead of me.”

  I glanced at the mirror as she sat up on one elbow. “Why can’t I tag along with you?”

  I sighed, turning slightly but not completely. “What was your name again?”

  “Violet.” She grinned. “I told you my name, like, ten times last night silly.” She giggled.

  I released an exasperated breath. Although this Violet chick was hot, with eyes as smooth as chocolate and tits as perky as her personality, I couldn’t deal with her. Not now. I honestly wasn’t up for being around anyone. I needed to be alone. “I don’t do well with names.”

  Her smile faded. I turned completely, looking her over. I didn’t speak and neither did she. Once she realized the point I was trying to make, she blinked rapidly and shoved the sheets away, scrambling for her things on the floor.

  “Are you always this way? I thought you were the fun one,” she grumbled, eyeing me.

  I shrugged. “Guess the fun in all this shit is starting to fade.”

  “Well…” She twisted her lips. “That sucks I guess.” She yanked her shirt over her head and then stuffed her feet into her heels. After she was halfway dressed, she snatched up her purse and headed for the door. “Maybe I’ll see you again.”

  “Maybe not.”

  She laughed as if I was joking and then swung the door open. I watched as the door clicked shut behind her and then released a heavy breath. Entering the bathroom, I turned on the faucet, stuck my palms beneath the cool water and brought them to my face. I needed to get my shit together. I hated feeling so… down. I didn’t do down. I was the chill one, not the bitter, grumpy one. That was Roy.

  It was obvious Lauren didn’t want to speak to me. It’d been two weeks for fuck’s sake. Why sulk over that? Why depress myself over a chick I spent less than a week with?

  Deep down, I knew the answer to those questions, but I refused to dwell on them. Instead, I started the shower and hopped in. The band had a performance today, and I had to get my head in the game. It was time to drop all the bullshit. Whatever regrets I was feeling were tossed in the trash… well, for the time being anyway.

  ***

  The SUV parked behind a wide, cement building. We were in Suffolk, Virginia, our hometown, and apparently Ben had signed the band up to perform in order to support a fundraiser for a school that burned down. When we found out the school was our old high school, we were game. It was, after all, the place we met and the setting for most of our memories together.

  We hopped out of the SUV one by one and headed around the building. Music from a DJ was already playing, but as soon as we rounded the corner and the crowd saw us, they screamed like banshees. I loved the love. It warmed me up so much that all my problems seemed to fade, and a smile appeared on my lips. We stepped onto the stage, grabbing miscellaneous hands and greeting some of the fans. A man at the mic introduced us as we took hold of our instruments and got into position.

  Once the old man finished up his seemingly long speech, Gage’s voice thundered into the microphone, causing the crowd to roar. We performed three old songs we’d mastered years ago, but during our performance, I kept losing my mojo. I kept telling myself to put my head in the game, but I couldn’t. The fall out with Lauren was really eating at me. And what was worse was I wanted to make shit right, but I didn’t want to seem like a bitch by chasing after her considering she told me she’d had enough.

  Enough of me? Yeah, I admit that shit had knocked my confidence down way too many levels. I wasn’t feeling myself. I hadn’t felt this way since I was sixteen years old. That was the worst phase of my life, and here it was happening to me again, but in a whole new form.

  Roy and Deed glanced at me on stage a few times, but I ignored them. I didn’t need the stares or the questions in their eyes. Instead, I continued playing my bass, bobbing my head every once in a while to pretend I was okay. Luckily, I didn’t have any solos to play. I probably would’ve fucked up if I did.

  The last song came to a close, and the crowd applauded, begging for an encore. Gage apologized and let everyone know that because of the fundraiser an encore wouldn’t be able to happen, but like the genius he was, he switched things up and got the crowd excited for the fundraiser instead. He was good at manipulating people. I could give him that.

  I unstrapped my guitar and headed backstage first. Through my peripheral, I could see Deed and Roy look at me and then at each other, but they didn’t say anything—just watched me disappear. A small ounce of relief ran through me as I stepped back and spotted a sofa. I took a seat, and moments later, the rest of the band came back, covered in sweat and the aura I wished I felt after the performance. This wasn’t my day.

  Roy and Deed started in my direction. I groaned, knowing exactly what they were about to say.

  “You fucked up,” Deed said, digging in the cooler next to the sofa and pulling out a Coke.

  I avoided his eyes.

  “Yeah… more than once too. The fuck is up man?” Roy asked, pulling out a bottle of water.

 
; “Hand me a Coke?” I insisted.

  They looked me over, but Deed bent down eventually to pull a Coke out for me. “Gonna explain or what?” he asked, tossing me the soda.

  Just as he asked, a flash of red appeared in the corner of my eye, and I jerked my head to the right, watching as the familiar red head spoke to Ben. I swallowed thickly, clutching my drink. I thought, for sure, she wouldn’t show up to this show—or that maybe she’d keep out of sight. I was wrong, and she looked energetic and full of life. As she spoke to Ben, she did the careless things like wave her hand and chime with laughter. She looked… fine… like nothing had ever happened.

  Wow.

  Roy and Deed looked from me to Lauren, but I snatched my gaze away, popping my Coke. I took three hard swallows and stood to my feet, wanting to get as far away from her as possible, but Roy rounded the table and shoved me back down on the sofa, taking the seat next to me.

  “Dude, what the fuck?” I looked him over with hard eyes.

  Roy’s eyes lit up. “You hit that… didn’t you?” His smile stretched, and Deed took a seat on the cooler, seeking an answer as well. I looked from the boys to Lauren and Ben who were now wrapping up their conversation. When Ben finally walked away, Lauren sighed and turned around. Her eyes roamed the backstage area, but when they found mine, she paused, lips parted.

  “Hell yeah,” Gage said, stepping around Deed. “He hit that. I can tell. Look how she’s looking at him… all speechless and shit.”

  “Go fucking talk to her,” Roy demanded.

  “No.” I shook my head. I refused to be the first to talk. She threw me to the curb. She’d had enough of me. I wasn’t about to fight and beg for her to want more.

  “Come on, man,” Deed said. “Stop being a bitch and get your ass over there.”

  Roy shoved me forward, but I didn’t budge. “What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” I asked, forcing a laugh. “I’m good. We’re good. It’s whatever.”

  “Nah.” Gage looked me over and then looked in Lauren’s direction. I was too weak not to look. She was now talking to someone else, her back to us. “It’s not whatever. Something’s up. Something that fucked up every one of your performances on that stage just now.”