Who I'm Becoming

by S. Q. Williams

  He looked me over, his eyes hard and icy. I hated that look on him. It didn’t fit him—the cold look—but it was truly intimidating.

  “Montana, say something… please,” I begged in a whisper, grabbing his hand as he clutched the doorknob.

  He glared down at my hand in pure disgust. With his nostrils flared, he said, “Get away from my door, and go catch your flight, Lauren. This—whatever it was between us—isn’t going to work. It can’t work. You lied to me. I trusted you, and you lied to me,” he said, pointing at his chest. “I don’t like to be lied to. It’s disrespectful, and I honestly thought we were more than that.”

  My face was blank, my lips parted as if I wanted to speak but my throat dry of any kind of words. “Montana,” I whispered. It was all I could manage. I couldn’t believe he was being so cold and heartless. I knew Montana, and heartless wasn’t something he could be. But in this moment, as I stared into his eyes watching as he grimaced at me, I realized this was a first for him. This had never happened to him before. He wanted to be heartless because he didn’t want to care. It was understandable that he had his guard up, but it hurt me. I’m sure it felt worse than being bitten by a poisonous snake.

  “Just get outta here, Lauren. Just… just go,” he sighed, running a hand through his matted hair. His eyes drifted from mine and he took a step back. His door started to shut and I nodded, my eyes wide and blank. I tried fighting the tears as much as I could. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want to look weak in front of him. I didn’t want him to take me in out of pity. I needed him to forgive me because he cared that much to look over my mistake, but something was telling me it was way too soon for that to happen. I’d hurt him. I could see it all over his face. I could feel it. He wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing. And knowing that killed me because deep down I wanted this to work between him and I. But I ruined it.

  Just like that, it was over and done with.

  I forced a smile and nodded, stepping back and turning. “Okay, Montana,” I murmured before walking away. I hurried down the hallway and jammed my thumb against the elevator button. I heard his door click shut behind him and my eyes became hot and thick with tears. The elevator opened and I scrambled for the button. I was a wreck, but I didn’t want to cry.

  Unfortunately, when I found a cab and made it back to my hotel to pack up the rest of my things, the waterworks started. I couldn’t see what I was doing as I tossed in random clothes and pieces of jewelry into my suitcase. My tears were hot, and with each one that shed, I felt my heart breaking even more.

  When I made it on the airplane I knew I’d fucked everything up. I knew Montana and I were never going to happen again. I knew it would never be the same.

  Knowing I’d never feel him again or be able to breathe him in, or even get to laugh with him was painful. I was going to miss him, but I had to move forward. I screwed up, and now I was suffering the consequences.

  I was so stupid, but maybe I deserved this.

  MONTANA

  Twenty-One

  Something happened to me a week ago. Something I thought I’d never experience a day in my life.

  My heart broke.

  It broke into tiny, fragile little pieces.

  For a while, I didn’t know what all those love songs were about. I had no clue what the songwriters were feeling because I’d never experienced it before… but now I knew. And they weren’t exaggerating.

  It cuts you deep. It brings you back and weighs you down.

  It fucking hurts, and all you want to do is get over it, but it’s hard when every moment spent with that person was perfect… almost too good to be true.

  I clutched my acoustic, shutting my eyes. The sun was just starting to sink. I couldn’t sleep. My mind had not stopped racing since I found out the truth about Lauren. Of all the things that could’ve happened, this had to be the worst. She was married. During all that time we spent together, she was legally married to someone else, and she didn’t even tell me. How could she hide something so big?

  Marriage was serious. I thought we’d reached the point where we could tell each other anything. Perhaps if she’d told me beforehand, I would’ve been prepared to have her husband knocking at my door, but she didn’t. It caught me by total surprise.

  At times, I felt like I’d overreacted, but after talking it over with the boys, I know I didn’t. I did the right thing by walking away because I deserved more than a sack of lies. I fell for her—opened up to her—and that was the thanks I received? Her hiding such a bizarre secret?

  I’d done some fucked up things before, and, yes, Karma had come back to bite me in the ass for it a few times, but this one I didn’t quite understand. What had I done to deserve this? I couldn’t think of a single thing. I’d forgiven my parents. All my burdens has been lifted. I’d given up on sleeping around while with Lauren. I’d put my all into her. Where the hell did I go wrong?

  It was depressing as hell lying in bed every night, staring up at the ceiling and wondering how, that fast, our relationship had turned completely upside down. I could look past her having a mate, but what I couldn’t get over was the fact that she lied to me—that she kept it from me. We were better than that… or so I thought.

  I strummed my guitar, whispering lyrics I’d made up. I wanted to practice, but I couldn’t. All I could think about was her. All I could feel was this empty, hollow ache in my chest. I was dwindling. I didn’t feel the same. I wasn’t the same old Montana.

  I’d become someone more emotional. Someone more profound. Someone that finally knew real pain. I’d become the thing I feared most… a victim of heartbreak. As I whispered more words with the light of the setting sun running across my face, there was a knock on my door, and I paused, glancing over my shoulder.

  Dropping my guitar, I headed for the door, taking a look out of the peephole before opening it. Eliza smiled at me with a pan held up in her hands. “Brought your favorite,” she said as I let her inside. “Chocolate fudge brownies with white chocolate morsels.”

  I forced a smile at her. “Thanks.”

  She shut the door behind her, and as I slouched down on the couch, she placed the pan on the counter. She turned my way, and I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my head. I tried to keep my cool.

  “Montana,” she murmured, walking around me and taking the seat beside me. She grabbed my hand, but I refused to look her in the eyes. “Everyone’s worried about you,” she whispered. “Including me.”

  “Tell them not to worry.”

  “We have to. We’ve never seen you like this…”

  “I’m good, Miss Eliza,” I said, finally looking up and forcing a smile. My face felt like it was about to break from trying so hard to be content.

  Eliza sighed, sitting back. “You have to talk to her about this,” she said.

  “No.” I shook my head. “She lied to me, Eliza. She’s fucking married. What is there to talk about?”

  “Yeah, legally she is married, but like she told you they separated months ago.”

  I scoffed, tearing my gaze away from hers. “How the hell am I supposed to know that? For all I know she could’ve been fucking him behind my back. I mean… I let her in. I opened up to her, and I find out this shit? How the fuck is that even fair?”

  Her eyes grew softer. Mine pricked with boiling hot tears, but I bit them back, staring down at my lap. “Oh, Montana,” she sighed, and pulled me in for a hug. Her hug was nice, but of course it made me emotional. “I know you’re hurting… I know,” she whispered.

  “Don’t baby me,” I said, aiming to tease her. Unfortunately, it came out thick and broken.

  She sat back, looking me over. “Come over for dinner tomorrow… you could use it before the tour.”

  I shrugged, blinking the hot tears away. “What time?”

  “Come around six. Everything will be ready.”

  I nodded. “Okay, but don’t try and pull another stunt like you did with my parents again. This on
e… this one I honestly can’t face right now.”

  “I won’t. I promise.” She kissed my cheek and stood up. “Just make sure you show up. You can’t keep sulking around here. Plus, it’s starting to smell disgusting in here. When’s the last time you showered?” she asked, scrunching up her face.

  I laughed, standing and walking her to the door. “Funny.”

  She cracked the door open, but before she stepped out, she looked back and said, “Think about calling her, Montana. You have to settle this one way or another. I know you might be scared of it officially ending for good, but you can’t leave it open like this. Something tells me she didn’t mean to hurt you…” She pressed her lips to smile, and then she turned around, walking out the door and shutting it behind her.

  She was right. As much as I couldn’t stand Lauren lying to me, the worst part about it was it having the possibility of officially ending. My pride wanted to squash and kill it, but deep inside, my heart refused. I didn’t want things to get worse.

  This made no sense at all to me.

  None whatsoever.

  Never had I felt so lost.

  ***

  Dinner was a little odd the following night. I hated constantly being asked if I was okay or if I needed anything. Yes, I was a little hurt, and I know they cared, but I didn’t need to be coddled. I played it cool, though. I kept my shit together, even shared a few games of beer pong with the boys, but as soon as I got home, I felt like complete and utter shit.

  Everything that used to interest me no longer did. I thought about calling a few girls up and telling them to meet me at the usual hotel downtown, but as my finger lingered over their numbers, I couldn’t will myself to do it. Instead, I deleted their numbers. Those girls, they couldn’t compare to Lauren. They had absolutely nothing on her, and they damn sure wouldn’t have been able to make me feel what she made me feel every single day.

  I’d fallen head over heels for that girl, and all I wanted was to hear her again, inhale her sugary scent, indulge in her embrace… make love to her again. I was in some real fucking pain. I had to get over this shit. I was stronger than this… or was I?

  Over and over again, the boys told me to call. They kept telling me to make things right—to speak to her and figure shit out. They’d all gone through things worse than this, and I knew they were smarter than me when it came to this love thing, but… I was a coward. I feared having my heart shattered even more by her. I was weak.

  I sighed, lounging on the sofa and staring up at the ceiling. As I replayed all the memories of us together in my head, I couldn’t help but smile. I couldn’t fight the feelings. I missed that girl. She was wrong, and she lied to me. She broke my heart and made me feel so worthless—like all the time we’d spent together meant nothing—but I missed her.

  Every.

  Single.

  Day.

  As the ceiling fan turned round and round, a sudden thought came to mind. I sprang up, pacing the living room as I pondered on it. I debated on whether it was right—whether I should’ve been the one to make a move.

  But the more I thought about her, the more I could hear her giggles, the more I could see her beautiful white smile, the more I could smell her all over my condo. This feeling, it was insane. I wanted to do the right thing. She’d called me repeatedly, but I never answered. She’d given up only a few days ago. I couldn’t have her giving up on me. And I couldn’t give up on her. We’d created something—something that couldn’t be ignored.

  I felt like a true psycho as I laughed and rushed for my bedroom, stuffing a suitcase with one hand and dialing Ben’s number with the other. When he picked up, I quickly said, “Ben, I need to fly out to Paris tonight. Think you can set something up?”

  Ben’s voice, as usual, was way too thrilled. He’d obviously heard about what was going on with me. “Of course!” he screeched. “I’ll set it up right away and text you the time of the flight.”

  I smiled. I guess everyone was rooting me on. They were all waiting for this time to come. “Thanks. I owe you one.”

  “Oh, please. You don’t owe me a thing. Go and make things right.” He hung up, and I tossed my phone on the bed, rushing to the bathroom to gather some toiletries. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I couldn’t believe I was actually about to track her down, but this felt… right.

  My heart was pounding in my chest, and I was sweating as I shut my suitcase, tossed on some clothes, and then snatched up my bags, but I didn’t stop. I knew if I was to really think about what I was doing, I would’ve tapped out and stayed home. No.

  Fuck that.

  I couldn’t be the cowardly Montana anymore. I had to man up. I’d become someone indescribable after falling for Lauren, and I knew if I didn’t make things right as soon as possible, I was going to regret it for the rest of my life.

  I had to see her. I had to talk to her. I had to make things right again, and the only way I was going to be able to do that was if I forgave her. Honestly, Lauren deserved better than someone like me—someone that could be so mindless and outrageous. She was a good woman who made a mistake, just like every other human being on this planet.

  Her heart was in a good place, I just hated that I fought so hard to finally come to the realization. Her intentions weren’t meant to hurt me. She said she loved me, and deep down, something was telling me she meant every last word of it.

  So when my phone buzzed, I rushed out the door, and I refused to look back.

  I was going to Paris.

  I was going to her.

  LAUREN

  Twenty-Two

  7 months ago…

  “I don’t know why I ever married you! All you care about is yourself!” I’d had enough. I was furious as I packed all I could fit into my duffle bag.

  “You married me because you love me,” Wylie snapped, grabbing my wrist to stop me from packing. “And if you leave, I’ll only find you, Lauren. You know that.”

  “Fuck you,” I spat. “You won’t find me. I’ll be sure of that.”

  “You work for that bloody band! Wherever they are, you’ll be there too. Did you not think about that?”

  “Yes I thought about that! I’m no idiot.”

  “You are a fucking idiot. You’ve always been one, ever since we met. All you were ever good for was sucking my cock and making me your crappy-ass dinners.”

  Anger surfaced, and I swung around, slapping his face. It was loud, and it stung my hand, but I didn’t care. My chest constricted as I closed and zipped my bag and shoved him aside.

  “Wait… Lauren… I’m sorry,” Wylie said, calling after me. I grabbed the doorknob and snatched it open. “Baby, you know how I get, right?” He sniffed, running the back of his hand across his nose. I grimaced, looking from him to the coffee table. On top of it was a magazine, and on top of the magazine were three straight white lines of coke.

  “You disgust me, Wylie.” My voice was low and dry. “I want nothing to do with you anymore. Nothing! You are not the man I married!”

  Wylie called after me as I stormed down the hallway, but I didn’t care. When he realized I wasn’t going to turn back, he started his name-calling, shouting things like “Stupid bitch” and “ugly fucking slut.”

  That was okay, though. I knew I wasn’t stupid, and I knew I wasn’t an ugly slut. What would have been stupid was me running back to him, begging for his forgiveness. I refused to be his punching back any longer. Leaving was the best thing to do, and this time, I was leaving for good. There would be no turning back.

  I opened my eyes, battling my tears as the flashback surfaced. That day, I felt strong about my decision, but weak that I still cared. I knew I was doing the right thing by walking away, but deep down, I still loved Wylie. I was no longer in love with him, but I cared about him. He’d changed though, and it was only for the worst. At times, I blamed myself for his misbehavior and for condoning it, but after some minor therapy sessions and over time, I realized I couldn’t control him. He was hi
s own person. He was a grown man, and he made his own decisions. And it was because of those decisions that we were in court, about to settle this crap between him and me once and for all.

  The courtroom was silent as the judge took her seat.

  I glanced to my left, spotting Wylie looking right at me. He was upset, and I truly didn’t give a shit. I’d had enough. Enough of him blowing up my phone. Enough of him following and harassing me. Enough of him calling me out of my name. Enough of him ruining my life.

  After how things went down, I knew it was time to settle this, so I called my lawyer, we talked things out, and she said since Wylie had been showing signs of aggressive behavior, it was possible that the divorce could be finalized way sooner than the next three or so months or so that the judge had given us.

  I needed this shit to be over now.

  Like right now.

  The judge spoke up, and my heart stilled. Immediate joy coursed through me when she announced that the divorce would be finalized and handled by the end of the month. She also made it known that since Wylie had given the money to me and put it under my account, it was my money to keep. For one, although the judge didn’t know it, it was dirty money. He made it through selling pot and other insane narcotics. Elation pumped through my blood, and the relief I felt couldn’t be denied. Wylie was also given a restraining order. No closer than 50 feet. The downfall of it all was that I did have to give up the keys to the flat we’d shared and the car since it was under Wylie’s name, but those were only material things. Although I loved that flat to pieces—had decorated it myself and had even paid most of the rent—he could have it. It was all his. It was time for me to start fresh.