Focus on Me

by Megan Erickson

  But that wouldn’t prove anything and we’d just delay the inevitable.

  His fingers clenched as I held onto his wrist. “Col—”

  I hated how broken he sounded. But last night was messed up. I couldn’t let it happen again and I didn’t know how we’d get back to the way we were. Not with the events of last night sitting heavy on our chests.

  “We can’t do this, Riley. It’s not that I don’t want you, but something’s wrong and we’re not going to fix it by . . . by doing this.”

  I dropped his hand and finally rolled over to face him. Riley’s eyes were unfixed and staring at the wall past me.

  “I need you to hear me.” I placed a hand on his cheek and turned his head so he’d look at me. “I’m not leaving your side and I’m still taking you to see your ocean, but then after that, we need to get you some help. We need to figure out what’s going on in here.” I tapped his temple. “And I’m not going to be a reason for you to delay that, okay?”

  His jaw worked and his eyes filled. “So you won’t . . . touch me? Or let me touch you?”

  I blew out a breath. “I think . . . I think it’s best if we hold off on the physical stuff, yeah.”

  I thought he’d get angry, and I braced for it. But instead his eyes dulled and he turned away from me and rolled off of the bed. “Okay.”

  “Riley—”

  “Guess we better get on the road, then.”

  I sat up. “We’re still going to the ocean, Ri. I told you that.”

  He straightened and glanced at me, then returned his gaze to the floor. “Yep, that was always the final destination.”

  I didn’t like the finality of his words. But he was dressed and walking out the door with Dallas before I could ask any questions.

  ***

  Landry,

  We’ll be in North Carolina tomorrow. Colin promised me he’d show me the ocean. He said he knows a stretch of beach that’s fairly secluded near a fishing pier.

  I made a mistake with Colin, Landry. A big one. I hate the way he looks at me now. I can see it in his eyes, the regret that he ever met me.

  But maybe in the end, this is a good thing. It’s good, because this way he won’t miss me too much when I’m gone.

  I hope you don’t miss me either. I’m sorry. For everything.

  —R

  Chapter Sixteen

  It was a Tuesday morning and the beach wasn’t too crowded yet. Several runners pounded the sand and some early vacationers read paperbacks beneath umbrellas.

  I stood barefoot as the ocean washed over my toes. Seagulls screeched nearby and I inhaled the salty air. The sun was already hot, beating down through the thin fabric of my gray T-shirt.

  I turned around and glanced at Riley. He stood back from the tide, watching the horizon. “You wanna come get wet?”

  He blinked and then looked at me. I hated this look, this blankness. I had thought reaching his destination would bring some light into his eyes. “Did you come here a lot as a kid?”

  I shrugged. “Not really. The restaurant kept my parents busy, and we never had a lot of money to take vacations.” We were a couple of hours from where I lived, so even a day trip was hard to swing. “When we did come, I think I spent about the entire day in the ocean.” I eyed him. “What do you think?”

  His gaze returned to the horizon. And he didn’t answer my question.

  I wiggled my toes in the sand and watched the foamy water cover them. A little sand crab darted out of a hole beside me and then went scuttling back in. A seagull pecked at a piece of bread someone had left behind in an abandoned sand castle.

  “What’s that?” Riley was pointing to a structure in the distance.

  I shielded my eyes. “Oh, that’s the pier I told you about. I forget the name of it.” The pier extended far into the ocean, a couple hundred yards. “It’s a common place to fish, since the water at the end is pretty deep. Lot of fish.”

  Riley didn’t acknowledge that I spoke.

  “We can drive there if—”

  “No, that’s okay.”

  I pursed my lips, then turned my attention back to the ocean. I clenched my fists at my sides to keep from screaming. That was the way it had been since we left Tennessee. This quiet, reserved Riley. He’d been in these moods before, like after the sweat lodge, but never this deep. I’d hoped bringing him to the ocean, showing him that he accomplished what he wanted to do, would help. But I’d been wrong, apparently. He didn’t look happy at all. He didn’t look sad either, though. He just . . . was.

  I’d talk to him today. I’d tell him I talked to his parents. I’d tell him I thought he needed help immediately. I’d do whatever I could. I had a slim, slim hope he wouldn’t break my heart. I was prepared, but I knew it’d hurt like hell anyway.

  We walked the couple blocks back to our motel in silence. It was called the Seahorse and it looked like it’d been built in the seventies. It was out of place among the large vacation homes and five-story waterfront hotels. But it was cheap and had cable. What else did we need? We’d stayed there the previous night, having gotten into town late. I had thought Riley would be eager to get up and see the ocean right away, but I’d had to drag him out of bed.

  I unlocked our door, ushering Riley in ahead of me. He moved slowly, like his body hurt, and climbed back under the covers of his bed. I stood next to him with my hands on my hips. “You hungry?” Stupid question, really. I was getting desperate.

  He shook his head.

  I bit the inside of my cheek. “Well, I’m hungry. I’m going to run and get us some food, all right?”

  He shifted under the blanket. “Whatever you want.”

  I bit my cheek harder and dug my fingers into my hips, which was really the only thing stopping me from dragging him from the bed and shaking him. I wanted something out of him. Hell, I’d even take tears now, if it meant Riley were feeling something. “Okay, I’ll lock the door after me. Be back in an hour or so.”

  No answer.

  I let myself slam the door behind me when I walked out.

  ***

  I walked back toward the direction of the ocean, feeling the need to stretch my legs. The coastal road had a wide sidewalk with small shops and restaurants.

  I walked until my feet ached and sweat dripped down the back of my shirt. I was sure I looked like hell, which worked great since I felt like hell.

  I stopped at an outdoor restaurant and ordered a burger and fries. When it was ready, I sat down at a picnic table under an umbrella, sand beneath my feet, and looked at my phone. I could call Riley’s parents now. I could tell them to come get Riley and that would be the end of this.

  It felt like failing, which I was an expert at, but I knew that wasn’t really the case. I’d be failing if I didn’t help him.

  A car pulled into the parking lot, gravel crunching under the tires. I looked up and saw two men get out of the car. The passenger had short blond hair and a sleeve of tattoos on his left arm. The driver was tall and bulkier with muscle. A baseball cap was pulled low on his forehead.

  They walked close together, which a casual stranger might not take interest in, but as a gay man, I sure did.

  The tattooed one was biting his lip, and Ballcap had his hands shoved in his pockets. “Are you seriously going to search this whole fucking state for him?”

  Tattoo glared. “Yes,” he snapped. “We are. You can go home if you’re going to bitch about it.”

  Ballcap sighed and his shoulders slumped. “I want to help, Lan. This just feels really hopeless. We aren’t even sure if he’s here.”

  “He said they were going to stay near the pier.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Stop, Jus. Please.” Tattoo’s voice was pleading, and Ballcap stopped protesting. He brushed the back of his hand on Tattoo’s hip, and I saw a tattoo of an equal sign on Ballcap’s wrist. Bingo.

  Tattoo walked up to the food counter and held up a picture. “Have you seen either of these guys around?”
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  I lowered my head, not needing to get involved in these two and their drama, no matter how hot of a couple they were. I took a bite of my burger and turned on my phone again. Maybe I should call Riley, just to check on him. Although, he looked like he wanted to sleep—

  “C-Colin?”

  I jerked my head up. Tattoo was standing in front of me, twisting a picture in his fingers. How the hell did he know my name? “Uh . . .”

  Tattoo looked at the picture in his hands, then at my face. “Oh my God, it has to be you, unless you have a twin.”

  Okay, this was a little freaky. “Yeah, no twin. And my name is Colin, but it’d be great if you explained how you know that.”

  He glanced around. “Where’s Riley?”

  I paused with a fry halfway to my mouth, then dropped it into the basket next to my half-eaten burger. My whole body was on alert now, sirens going off in my head. “Excuse me?”

  Tattoo’s blue eyes were wide with alarm. “Oh my God, where is he? Did you leave him alone?”

  “Look, I don’t know who the fuck you are—”

  Tattoo slammed the picture down on the table in front of me, and my cup of water almost toppled over. “I know you don’t know me, and I’m sorry we can’t do a nice little meet and greet right now. I’m worried about Riley and I really need you to take me to him.”

  He was leaning on the table, glaring at me. I lowered my gaze and reached out to pick up the picture. And when I saw it, my breath halted in my lungs. It was a picture of me, Riley, and Dallas. I remembered when he took it; we were in the car. I had my sunglasses over my eyes and I was watching Riley as Dallas licked his chin. We were both laughing. Fuck, we looked so happy. “How’d you get this picture?”

  Tattoo blew out a harsh breath. “I don’t think you understand the sense of urgency here. Riley e-mailed that to me. We’ve been e-mailing all summer. I know all about you. And all about him. And I’m telling you that I need to see him. He shouldn’t be left alone, because . . .” Tattoo’s jaw shifted. He blinked his eyes rapidly and looked behind him. Ballcap nodded, and Tattoo turned back to me. “Because I think he’s going to do something stupid. Really fucking stupid.”

  That got me out of my seat in a shot.

  ***

  I sat in the backseat of their car as Ballcap—Justin—drove to the Seahorse. I learned Tattoo was named Landry. They were, in fact, a couple. And they were, in fact, friends of Riley, even though they’d never met him in person. I sensed a long story behind it, but Landry didn’t seem inclined to tell it, and we were all focused on a more pressing issue right now.

  “Look, I’m sure he’s just sleeping,” I said. “He sleeps a lot.”

  Landry was turned around in his seat to face me. “How was he this morning?”

  I ran a hand over my hair. “Like, compared to what? He’s not in a good place, I can tell you that. After we saw the ocean this morning, he just . . . wanted to be left alone, I think.”

  Landry muttered something.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  Justin pulled into the parking lot of the Seahorse and I was out of the car before he even put it in park. I ran to the door of our motel room, and every footstep felt like I was running on a bed of nails. “Please, please, please, please,” I chanted under my breath as I turned the key in the doorknob.

  I flung the door open as I heard footsteps behind me. My eyes went right to the bed where I’d left Riley.

  The empty bed. Completely fucking empty. “God-fucking-dammit!” I screamed, pounding the bed with fists. I’d fucked up. I’d failed. I knew Riley wasn’t okay. I knew Riley was in a bad place. And I’d fucking left him alone when his mind was beating him up from the inside. Just like I felt now. Because my stomach was rolling, and my lungs felt hot and my throat was hoarse. It was hoarse because I was screaming. I ripped the sheet off the bed and threw it against the wall. I whirled to Landry, who was standing behind me, his face white. He was watching me while I lost my mind like a lunatic.

  I had to get under control. Riley wasn’t here but he had to be somewhere. At least, he better be. Because if he’d done something really, really stupid . . . well, I’d bring him back just to strangle him myself.

  “I’m sorry, I . . .” I blew out a breath in an effort to calm my racing heart. “Fuck.”

  Justin was standing in the open door, watching me. Landry was holding his head, looking around the room. He gestured to the table behind me. “He left a note.”

  I surged to the table and picked it up with shaking hands.

  Col,

  Take care of Dallas for me. I’m so sorry.

  I’ll find you in another life. Because you’re it for me in every one.

  —R

  “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” I balled up the note and threw it at the wall above the TV. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled, the pain doing nothing to ground me. I hadn’t seen the signs, or maybe I’d ignored them. Because who wanted to believe that the guy they loved planned to kill himself?

  I heard a bell jingle and I looked up. Landry had opened the bathroom door, and Dallas trotted out. He whined, sensing my distress. I dropped to a knee and scratched him behind the ears. “I’m sorry, buddy. I’m sorry. I’ll get him back, okay?”

  I stood up. “We need to find him, I don’t know where—” I stopped as the thought hit me like a punch. “The pier.”

  Landry’s face was still pale. “You think he’ll be there?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know for sure. I don’t know anything right now. I know he seemed interested and I told him . . . shit. I told him the ocean was really deep at the end. Where else would be go?” I walked toward the open door, where Justin stood with his arms crossed over his chest, shoulder on the frame. “Let’s go.”

  Landry walked to my side. “Wait, are we just going to waltz up to him? Should we call—”

  I turned to Landry and stepped into his space. “We’re wasting time. Riley . . . is mine. He’s mine and he’s my responsibility and all I can think about is getting to that pier right now. Okay?”

  Movement caught my eye. Justin straightened from the doorframe and silver eyes pierced me from beneath the brim of his cap. “I suggest you step back from Landry. Because he’s mine and I will put you on the ground if you lay a hand on him.”

  I puffed out my chest, needing to get out this aggression. Punching this guy’s face sounded like a great way to do it.

  A hand curled around my forearm. “Knock it off, Jus.” Landry tugged on my arm. “Come on, then. I hope you come up with a great plan on the way there.”

  Yeah, I didn’t. I sat in the backseat of Justin’s car and jiggled my leg and gave him directions to park at the public beach access.

  My throat felt tight and my eyes stung. I was about one minute away from a nervous breakdown. Or a heart attack. Or a stroke. Or all three.

  I tried to count to ten to calm myself. I thought of the sweat lodge. But all that did was make me think of Riley’s hollow voice, when he’d told me that he’d found nothing in that lodge.

  Nothing.

  I swallowed. Justin parked and I hopped out, slamming the car door behind me and heading for the pier.

  “Hey,” Landry said behind me. “Colin, slow down. You don’t want to scare him.”

  I whirled around, my entire body like one live wire. “He’s the one thing in my life I haven’t quit yet, and I don’t plan to fail now.”

  Landry’s eyes flashed. “This isn’t about you. This isn’t about you failing or succeeding. This is about him.”

  I clenched my jaw. “Well, then I’ll make sure he fails at killing himself. I’ll make sure he fails hard.”

  I threw my phone at Landry, thankful I’d programmed Riley’s parents’ number in it when he wasn’t looking. Landry juggled it and then caught it firmly. “Look up the Sorenson’s number and call them, tell them where we are and what’s going on.” And then I turned around. I had one purpose in mind, and that was fin
ding Riley.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I jogged up the steps leading to the pier and immediately began scanning the people. The pier wasn’t very crowded. Just a family or two and the odd fisherman taking up the benches lining the sides. I kept walking, focusing on the end of the pier. And as I walked farther and farther out, I spotted a figure on the ground in the corner of the railing at the end of the pier. I started walking faster. I could make out the brown hair. A button-down shirt fluttering in the breeze. I began to jog. Relief surged into me because I wasn’t too late. He wasn’t gone yet. He was there. Right there. Although . . . he wasn’t moving. I was flat-out running now, sucking the thick, humid air into my lungs.

  I slowed as I drew closer. He was huddled in the corner of the pier. His knees were drawn up into his chest, and his arms were wrapped around them. His head was down, forehead on his knees. He was a little ball, like he was burrowing into himself. When I was five feet away I stopped and bent over, catching my breath from the all-out sprint. He was there. It was Riley. I’d notice that hair anywhere, that slim body. I wanted to reach out and pull him to me. Anything to get him to uncurl.

  I bit my lip and wracked my brain for what to say. I crouched down in front of him and clasped my hands between my knees as I balanced on the balls of my feet. “I ever tell you about my tree house I had when I was a kid?”

  He didn’t answer. I didn’t expect him to. I kept talking. “Well, I had a tree house. It was pretty cool. My dad and uncle had built it. They’d nailed boards into the trunk to make the ladder and then used this cluster of three strong branches as the brace for the tree house. It wasn’t really big. But Jess and I could fit inside together.” Riley’s fingers moved, just a twitch. “I loved that damn tree house. We played cops and robbers in there. And Peter Pan. And Rapunzel. Well, I never wanted to play Rapunzel but that was the only way Jess would be a robber.” I laughed to myself, even though I didn’t really feel like laughing. “So, yeah. Anyway, we had a storm come, the remnants of a hurricane that had been downgraded to a tropical storm and then downgraded to . . . just a storm, I guess.” I scratched my head and soldiered on. “The one wall of the tree house was loose. Some boards had fallen. My parents were busy at the restaurant because they had some damage there. Plus, I was nine at the time. I mean, I was a little man, right? I thought I could do everything myself. Granddad was supposed to be looking after Jess and I, but he’d fallen asleep in his armchair watching Antiques Roadshow and Jess was in her room watching a movie. So I grabbed a hammer and a box of nails and I marched out to my tree house to fix the damn thing myself.” I was really getting into my story, and I glanced up. Riley’s head was tilted a little, so his ear was turned toward me. I thought that was a good sign. He was listening.