Tales from the Canyons of the Damned: Omnibus

by Daniel Arthur Smith

  So Bob Walters had cleared the legal hurdles in his race towards the Presidency, but he definitely was short on cash in the early stages of his candidacy. Before a single word came from his vocal orifice, the Hollywood elite had stepped up to the plate. All for liberal causes, and what was more liberal than a literal alien running for President of the United States? The country had already had their first African-American chief executive, and the first woman to hold office was sure to be achieved at some point as well. But barriers still needed to be broken and Bob was the ticket for many searching for something new and different to endorse.

  The first out of the gates for Bob Walters was former boyband star and actor, Justin Timberlake. “You know what’s cooler than a black President?

  “A blueish-green one.”

  Timberlake’s quote went viral and the next thing Bob knew, he was out-polling Senators from Massachusetts, Kentucky, and Oregon, as well as the Governors from Wisconsin and Florida. Without even uttering a single word, #BobforPresident became a worldwide trending topic slightly over a year before the election.

  But problems started creeping in once Bob Walters began campaigning in earnest. That first presidential announcement came at a press conference held in Millennium Park in downtown Chicago. He fashioned himself in President Obama’s image, so the Windy City was a no-brainer. Just minutes into the media event, however, he turned heads with his brash, no-nonsense talk.

  “You call me Bob, but soon, you can call me President Bob. If all goes well, within a decade you may be calling me Supreme and Glorious Global Leader Bob,” he paused, then chuckled a bit. The reporters were all shocked, but once the candidate laughed at himself, they all laughed along with him. Many later commented on that moment when he adopted a self-deprecating tone that would carry him through the initial stages of the race. Many of his opponents, however, saw it differently.

  “Just look at him! Bob Walters is advocating the U.S. adopt an Imperial stance that would put us in direct opposition with much of the rest of the civilized world. The policies he is pushing with that one little statement reflect a step back towards a monarchical rule that the Republic of the United States left behind centuries ago. He’d be better off as the Burger King than trying to be the king of the world,” Senator James Fulton from Washington state said in reaction to that initial press conference.

  Bob wasn’t done, however. His viewpoints on numerous issues set his own personal platform, but brought him into direct conflict with members of his own party. Each time Bob Walters talked about a contentious issue, flags were raised with certain segments of the population while others backed the candidate at each phase.

  “Best I can tell, this Bob Walters fellow is the clearest example we’ll ever have of a Washington outsider. Talk about Beyond the Beltway—Bob Walters is from beyond the Milky Way,” TV journalist Alaina Chaplin said on the Feb. 4 edition of Meet the Press. “Not only has he not ever been elected to political office, he isn’t even our species! How much more outsider can you get?”

  Even so, Bob Walters has had numerous opportunities to put his record into focus during the long campaign. While raised with humans, Walters has acknowledged a rift between his upbringing and the so-called “genetic” memory he claims was passed to him from his mother at birth. In a revealing interview with Ellen Degeneres, the frontrunner revealed his constant battle with the inner demons of the collective consciousness of his species, all while trying to appeal to a Midwestern housewife.

  The struggle is indeed real for Bob Walters, as his positions on many issues has shown.

  Women’s Rights

  During a CNN joint interview with Pro-Choice Foundation Chairwoman Gloria Greenway, the candidate uttered words which reverberated across the nation.

  “I firmly believe in a woman’s right to choose. If they want to choose to have an abortion, I believe that should be their choice,” Bob stated in the Feb. 24 interview.

  “I, for one, applaud Bob Walters’ position on women’s reproductive rights,” Greenway said.

  Bob Walters appeared confused for a moment, and then replied, “Reproductive? I was under the impression we were discussing a woman’s right to abort their husbands from the universe. That is completely acceptable to me, as well as any attempt to eliminate any other members of the female’s clan that may have wronged her during her lifespan. It is common knowledge that the female is the lifegiver, and should therefore be the lifetaker as well.”

  The silence on the cable news network was so stark that Bob Walters tapped his earpiece a few times to make sure there was no technical malfunction. Greenway blinked a few times, attempted to compose herself, and then spoke again.

  “Uh. Yes… that is one way to look at women’s rights, Mr. Walters. However, we are merely talking about the inconvenience of a human pregnancy and a woman’s right to abortion in the first two trimesters,” Greenway said, her face draining of color on live television.

  “Of course. But if we are going to advocate the death of one fetus, what’s the elimination of members of the species post-birth?”

  In a curious moment, the newsfeed of Bob Walters was suddenly cut off, leaving the station momentarily broadcasting half of a blank screen while Gloria Greenway sat, unable to speak. Two full seconds later, James Earl Jones’ voice interrupted, “This is CNN,” before the station went to commercial break.

  In a strange turn of events, the interview didn’t derail his campaign in the slightest. There was a momentary hiccup when his poll numbers decreased, but the abortion debate was so contentious that it appeared as though people on both sides of the controversy sided with Bob Walters for one reason or another.

  “I just love his honesty,” Pro-Life advocate Kathy Nadil said a few days after the interview. “I’ve always believed in the sanctity of human life. It says so in the Bible, you know. Psalm 139 says that God knit us and knew us when we were in our mother’s womb, so when Bob equated a fetus to a husband or children that we already know and love, then it surely means he is against abortion. He has my vote!”

  But those on the pro-choice side of the aisle viewed Walters’ comments differently. Greenway herself, a few days after the bizarre interview, came out in support of the alien candidate. “Bob Walters is not perfect. I think his word choices were perhaps a bit poor, but ultimately, I believe he has women’s rights as a core philosophy in his campaign, and as a feminist, I am proud to stand up beside Bob Walters and defend him as he defends my right to choose.”

  Still, a third side came out in support of Bob Walters in the wake of the interview. “It’s clear that from his comments about having the entire knowledge of his mother and ancestors that Bob Walters is not simply a binary male. In fact, Bob identifies as many different genders and ages. With his election this November, the U.S. will have achieved a landmark milestone: the first legal alien transgender President,” Chip LaFountaine, head of the LGBT Alliance of New Orleans said, adding even more fire to an already heated election.

  Education

  For a long time, most everyone was comfortable with Bob Walters’ position on education.

  “I believe in Universal Education,” he has said numerous times on the campaign trail. It wasn’t until late March at a campaign stop in Sacramento that he was pressed on the issue.

  “Candidate Bob Walters, I would like to know exactly what you mean by ‘Universal Education.’ We already have a solid K-12 compulsory education program in every state with most states adopting a pre-Kindergarten program and many community college efforts as well,” Trish Yarborough, a third grade teacher at Santa Rosa Elementary School, said at a campaign event on March 28. “Please enlighten us as to some details of what your education plan will be.”

  “Thank you, ma’am. I am really glad you asked, so I can get out in front of this issue, unlike many of my opponents. When I say Universal Education, I mean an education of the universe. I have been blessed with the history of my fore-mothers and ancestors thanks to my genetic knowledge
, but humanity does not retain information like I do. So I propose building colonies throughout the solar system and shipping children off to those bases and colonies to learn about the universe firsthand.”

  Not for the first time, Bob Walters’ campaign suffered in the immediate aftermath, but the soundbites continued to help sell Walters’ unique brand to the nation when a pithy quote on Common Core math might’ve gone under the radar. In the days that followed, the gigantic candidate came out with a strongly worded statement about the belief in American education, but he also reinforced his belief that “every child should reach for the stars, as well as moons, exoplanets, and any asteroids we can mine for all of mankind’s benefit.”

  Illegal Immigration

  With Bob Walters’ status as a nine-foot tall greenish-blue alien, it might’ve surprised some to know that his platform on immigration was a tough one. During the debates, it was crystal clear that Bob would take bold steps to eliminate immigration should he be elected President.

  “The United States is a proud nation with many ethnicities, myself included, but we should not ignore the outside threat we face. We should be ever vigilant against the threats to our way of life,” Bob Walters replied to a question at the Jan. 21 debate at Ithaca College.

  “I agree with Bob! We gotta keep those illegal Mexicans out!” Fellow candidate George White, a Congressman from Arkansas, piped up.

  Bob looked down on the Congressman (it was easy to do as White was over three feet shorter than Walters), and remarked in his own unique way, “It is not the Mexicans we should fear. Nor the Russians, the Chinese, or the Koreans. A day is coming. A day prophesied by the Prolarian Enchantress herself over five hundred years ago. Our threat will come from the stars. Indeed, the immigration has already begun with alien lifeforms coming to this country illegally in an attempt to gain a foothold until the Zitorian Fleet arrives in full force from their transwarp hibernation. That is the immigration I speak of and that we must remain on guard against in the years ahead. We will build a wall around the planet to keep them out. And get this—we’ll make the Zitorians pay for it.”

  Many in attendance at the debate noted that they could literally hear the moderator’s pen drop after Bob Walters’ response.

  A day after the debate, Bob Walters’ campaign manager Steve Geopolis gave a light-hearted statement on the Today show, calling the statement an attempt at humor.

  “But Steve, what do you say to the critics who say that Bob Walters is in fact the product of that very illegal immigration he was talking about? That his mother was here illegally, and he is in fact, an ‘anchor baby,’ or at least would have been had his mother not died twenty minutes after his birth?” Willie Giest, Today anchor, asked.

  “Both Bob and I say that’s hogwash,” Geopolis said with a laugh. Then his face turned hard and he continued, “It’s public record that Bob’s mother was in this country under duress. That her ship was damaged on a planet fly-by and the government coerced her into landing at Area 51. She was in this country as a guest of the government, and he should be treated as any other citizen of the United States, not as some...some...alien.”

  Giest continued, “But...he is an alien.”

  The Walters’ campaign manager immediately stood up, yanked out his earpiece and walked off the set, muttering something about “disrespect,” and “discrimination.”

  Race Issues

  In fact, the campaign has long had to deal with race issues. Not only is Bob Walters a different race than the other Democratic candidates, he is, in fact, a completely different species.

  “The interesting thing about Bob Walters, as a candidate, is how he has managed to galvanize the American populace in a way we’ve not seen since the days of Ronald Reagan in the 1984 election,” Democratic strategist Jeff Quibbles said just after Bob was able to secure the party’s nomination. “While the average white male is directly opposed to him, the crucial women’s vote will be in his pocket by at least a four to one margin. Hispanics seem to love this guy, the black vote seems to be well in hand, and minorities across the board are voting for Walters. His species may not be native to this planet, but you wouldn’t be able to tell it from the polling numbers. Race issues? There are none.”

  Marriage Equality

  In what might be his most divisive stance yet, Bob Walters not only has advocated for complete marriage equality in the modern sense of the word, but also for, in certain cases, incest.

  In his interview with Ellen on her May 7 daytime talk show, he dropped a few bombs about himself and his species, including that while he hosts the memories of his ancestors, he also hosts both sets of reproductive organs—or at least can.

  “I am a male. Right now at least. Since our original home planet was so small and our lifespans were so long, we evolved to be self-sufficient,” Bob Walters explained.

  “Meaning?” Ellen said, leaning forward in her armchair.

  “Meaning that if I want to, I can transform into a female tomorrow.”

  “And will you?”

  The audience laughed as Ellen attempted to break the tension in the room.

  “I don’t think so. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a female,” Bob added hastily, eliciting a good audience laugh of his own. “But if I did want to, I could. And we can reproduce on our own. So I can have children if I so choose. And thanks to my longer than human average lifespan, I am able for quite some time.”

  “What about marriage? Do members of your species settle down with a special someone?” Ellen probed.

  “We can. But even if I wanted to, there is a problem in this country. If I ever did want to marry, it would have to be to a child of mine. A son, or a daughter or whatever gender they chose at the time. I understand the viewpoints on gender equality are changing in this country, but what I am talking about is usually referred to as incest and I doubt there is any corner of the country that would accept that,” Bob Walters noted.

  “Except some rural parts of West Virginia,” Ellen joked, getting more laughs from the audience.

  That one interview was the only time Walters addressed his own sexuality and his desire to potentially marry one day. Pundits in newspapers, radio outlets, blogs, and TV all talked about his comments for weeks on end. With the massive greenish-blue alien’s popularity, the public’s opinion seemed to waver on the topic of incest. By late October, many Americans were favoring a bill in Congress that would allow incest in non-human species. With a potentially partisan Congress being seated in the new year, it would appear Bob might have an uphill battle to establish his own civil rights.

  Healthcare

  Even after the passage of what is commonly referred to as “Obamacare,” the American people are still looking for a logical and comprehensive solution to healthcare. When asked about his position on the divisive issue in April, Bob Walters didn’t shy away from offering his opinion.

  “Healthcare? Absolutely, I believe every person should have access to inexpensive healthcare. The best way for us to move forward as a society is to provide adequate healthcare to each of our citizens in the most optimal way possible. In fact, the human body is much more tasty when they look after themselves and get good medical care.”

  Once again, the campaign had a fair amount of clean up, but Walters didn’t back down. Two days later on a campaign stop outside Pittsburgh, he clarified his statements.

  “Is the human body tasty? Yes, just as a piece of art by Pablo Picasso is delicious,” Walters said, licking his lips. “Do I condone cannibalism? I do not. I do not condone humans eating other humans. Not at all.”

  Even after a series of events that would derail most normal campaigns, the train of Bob Walters’ presidential run continued unabated. It seemed to not matter in the slightest what his opponents did over the past year; it was almost destiny that brought Robunthiquipalthinatchyyl Walters to the fore of 21st century American politics.

  “This campaign has an air of liberal inevitability to it. From the st
art, when Bob was granted his own birth video, the media has been fascinated by this man...I mean alien,” Frank Tanaka, political writer for the Washington Post wrote last week. “Whatever he did, there was a huge segment of the American population that was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. When he promised that he would eradicate every enemy of the U.S. and would cook their bones with a harvest stew, most people were initially appalled. But then when the governor of Mississippi stepped up and gave his endorsement to Bob Walters, it seemed as though all of that went away.”

  “Look, does he have issues? Certainly. He hasn’t yet shown the ability to govern a nation, but the American citizenry seem to be embracing that aspect of him. He isn’t part of the establishment. As wild as his ideas are, most hardcore political pundits expect Congress to keep him in check. Unless he eats them, I guess,” Vice Chair of the Council of Southeastern Asian Relations Xiu Chen said recently. “But if he can somehow convince Congress to work with him, there are a lot of positives to him being our next Chief Executive.”

  For all of the positives surrounding Bob Walters, there are still some critics of the giant alien. “Whatever happened to Senator Goldthwaite?” FOX News correspondent Irene Lafferty asked recently. Lafferty has famously accused Walters of inhumane acts throughout the campaign without any proof of wrongdoing. She has been granted political asylum in Russia until, as she says, the nightmare is over. “Goldthwaite was the frontrunner for the Democrats up until Super Tuesday and then he just vanished. I still think it was his bowtie that Walters was wearing later that night when he claimed nine of the thirteen states up for grabs. And he can say what he wants, I don’t believe it was cherry pie filling on his lips.”