I saw the moment those words registered. She caved. One minute, she was struggling and clearly thinking of a way to tell me that she needed to leave. The next, she was snug against me in bed, the small spoon to my large, as her breaths evened out and lulled me to sleep.
Chapter 12
Tamryn
My workday was finally wrapping up. I was exhausted, yet I couldn’t wait to see Holden later. It should scare me how easily he had overtaken my thoughts, and how quickly our relationship had progressed, but it felt too natural to worry about. I had spent almost every night since the Pro Bowl at his place, making out like teenagers and cuddling. We hadn’t had full-on sex yet—nearly, but not quite—but I knew that was coming soon. Between everything going on and how he was feeling, it just hadn’t been the right time. However, I slept better with him next to me, and that was enough for me right now. It seemed to be enough for him, too, which was shocking. He constantly surprised me. Amazed me. I almost hated to admit how much I had come to care for him. It didn’t seem like it could be real.
I checked my phone and realized that he hadn’t called or texted all day. That was odd. Usually, he sent me random messages throughout the morning and afternoon just to say hi or to check in or to tell me something stupid one of the guys did during their meetings. I found his contact and initiated a call as I packed up my bag.
Two hours later, I still hadn’t heard from Holden and was starting to worry. My calls and texts remained unanswered. I decided to drive over and see if he was home.
When I arrived, I saw a single light on at the back of the house, but no other illumination. I made my way around to the rear gate and saw Holden sitting on the patio, a beer in hand, his gaze focused out across the yard and beyond. He looked preoccupied. Almost conflicted.
“Hey,” I called, and he turned my way.
“Oh, hi.” I winced at his tone. That didn’t sound good at all.
“Um, is everything all right?” I hoisted myself up and peeked over the other side of the gate, unlatching it and then dropping down to let myself in.
He took another drink from his bottle and then looked back out at the yard.
My heart clenched, and I could feel my forehead furrowing. I made my way over to the patio and leaned down to kiss him. He kissed me back, but he was so very distracted.
“Holden, what’s going on?” I asked as I sat in the cushioned chair next to him. “Did you get any of my messages?”
He looked up at me. “Huh? Oh, no. Sorry. I’m not even sure where my phone is.”
What in the ever-loving hell was going on? I put my hand on the back of his neck and squeezed. “Hey, talk to me. What’s up?”
He put the beer bottle on the cobblestones and scrubbed both hands down his face, wincing and letting out a sound of pain. Clearly, he’d forgotten to take things easy with his right side.
“So, um…I had an appointment with Merrick today, as you know.”
Yeah, I did know that. “And?” I asked, digging my thumb into the tight muscles of his neck on his good side.
“So, ah, that shadow. It’s definitely something. He said that I need another surgery.”
I was taken aback. I hadn’t heard anything about this, and I was part of Holden’s team. Maybe the report just hadn’t made it across my desk before I left for the day, but generally Merrick or Tate called me with things that had to do with Holden. Especially important stuff like this.
I leaned in and placed a kiss on his shoulder. “Holden, it’s okay. You’ve made it through this much. One more surgery is just a small hurdle. And it’s likely only exploratory to start. You’re making great strides, and the good news is that you’re strong enough to have another procedure. Did he say when he wants to schedule it?”
“Immediately. Like in the next day or so.” He visibly bit the inside of his lip and looked away from me, and I knew that he was fighting some really strong emotions.
Well, shit.
He pushed out his lips and took a deep breath through his nose, and that’s when I caught the glimmer of a water droplet on his cheek before he dashed it away with the back of his hand. “Everything’s been taken from me, Tamryn. My career. My plans for my future. My opportunity to raise that trophy again. My mobility. And now my chance to see my team and my friends in Miami.” He rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. “I have nothing left.”
“Holden, we’ve had this discussion before. That’s not true. And it hurts me to hear you say that.” I took a breath and braced myself. I knew I needed to tell Holden my story. He needed to understand.
I got more comfortable on the chair. “Holden. Will you look at me please?”
He did, but he still looked so distant. I reached out to grab his hand and linked our fingers together. “I’ve talked about my dad before, but I’m not sure you know the story. I’d like to tell you if you’re willing to listen. It might help put some things in perspective and let you see things from a different point of view.”
I saw a bit of the shadows dissipate from his eyes, and then he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “I could use the distraction. And I’d love to learn more about you.”
I steeled myself to relay the most painful story I owned. “My dad was a running back in the league. He played for three different teams, but made the biggest splash in Cleveland.” I took a deep breath. “When I was ten, he was at the peak of his career and only getting better. He had a family who loved him, and his entire life ahead of him. Until he got hurt in the playoffs, kind of like you did.”
I felt Holden’s tension even more than I saw it, but he rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand, silently urging me to continue. “It was serious. He broke his back and had a really long road ahead of him. Luckily, he didn’t lose the use of his legs, but he was in constant pain, and, of course, couldn’t play anymore. He was told he couldn’t even coach because he would need mobility for that. Would need to stand on the sidelines. And he just couldn’t.” I felt the tears well up in my eyes and swallowed them back, along with the lump in my throat.
“My entire twelfth year was rife with pain and anger. Dad and Mom fought all the time. Dad became angry and bitter and, like so many do, took it out on those closest to him. He never got violent, not physically, at least. But he was emotionally abusive.” I took back my hand and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, then relinked my fingers with Holden’s. He never moved his gaze from my face.
“He insisted that he had nothing left to live for, despite having Mom and me. We loved him. We would have done anything for him. We did do everything for him, including packing up and leaving when he decided it was too hard to stay in Ohio.” I bit my lip. “I will never forget the look on his face, Holden. The utter and complete despair. The way he turned down excellent job offers from ESPN and Fox Sports because he couldn’t get out of the mire of depression he was stuck in. We tried to get him help, but he refused. We tried to talk him down from the proverbial ledge, but he wouldn’t listen.”
My tears came freely now, and Holden leaned in, wiping them away with his thumb. “The day after I turned thirteen, I came home from school to a driveway full of cop cars and fire trucks and an ambulance. Mom wouldn’t even let me into the house. He left a note for her.” I hiccupped a sob.
Holden cupped my cheek. “I am so, so sorry, Tamryn. I would never do that. I’m man enough to admit that I’m depressed, and yes, I said some things that sounded pretty grim, but I’m okay. At least, I will be okay. We’ll be all right.”
I kissed him. I had to. Baring my soul like that had been hard, but it was necessary, and I think I got through to him a bit, too.
“So, that’s part of the reason I became a team doctor. I refused to let an injury devastate a player like what happened to my father. And I got my tattoo to remind me of that. It’s his fingerprint that he had on file with the team. I had it made into the football to remind me that the game is part of my DNA. Literally.”
“Wow, that’s amazing.
And I respect the hell out of you for doing what you do,” Holden said, kissing me again. “I’m sorry if I scared you. And I’m glad you’re here with me.”
I cuddled into him. “I’m glad I’m here, too.”
I had just bared my soul to Holden Cramer.
But if I were honest with myself, he already owned my heart.
What was one more thing?
Chapter 13
Holden
The more I learned about this woman, the more I loved her. And while using that word should have scared me, it was the truth. I loved her drive, her sense of humor, her sensitivity. I loved how she cared and how loyal she was. There was so much to admire. And now to learn the tragedy of her past and how she’d turned it into something positive…I felt it even more.
I looked into her gorgeous dark-blue eyes and realized I wanted her. I had lusted after her nearly from the moment I saw her, but now... I wanted her in my bed, but even more than that, I wanted her in my life.
“Tamryn?”
She looked at me, her eyes still a little glassy from the story. “Yes?”
“I want to kiss you.”
She chuckled. “Holden, I’ve pretty much given you carte blanche permission for that.” She smiled wider, and that delectable dimple came out to play.
“I’m just giving you fair warning that if I kiss you right now like I want to, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop at just a kiss.”
Her eyes rounded a bit, but I immediately saw the heat that followed. “Oh, I see. So, you’re not actually asking if you can kiss me. You’re asking if you can take me to bed.”
I smirked. “Yeah, I guess I am. So? What do you say?”
“I’d say that’s probably the best pass you’ve ever made.”
I groaned. “Okay, I probably deserved that.” I kissed her, deeply and thoroughly, showing her with my actions how much I wanted her. How much I cared. When I stood and held out my hand, she just laughed and handed me my crutch. I followed her into the house, back to the bedroom.
Her clothes were still folded on the bench at the end of the bed, her brush and perfume bottle on the dresser. Seeing them there did something to me. It looked right. Felt right.
I propped the crutch against the wall and turned my attention back to Tamryn, gently pulling her to me. Running my hands up her back and down her arms, I reveled in the feel of her, being careful not to move my shoulder too much. I linked our fingers on both hands and kissed her deeply, stumbling in closer and awkwardly backing her up until her legs hit the bed.
“Will you let me see you?” I asked, hoping she heard the reverence in my tone. When she simply nodded and reached for the button on her jeans, I skipped back on my good foot and watched her remove her clothes one article at a time until she stood in nothing but a cobalt blue lace panty and bra set.
I couldn’t suppress my sound of appreciation. “Mmm. You look delectable. I can’t believe you were wearing that under your clothes the entire time:” She blushed, and the color turned her pebbled nipples a dusky shade as they tightened and poked through the delicate fabric.
She helped me remove my shirt and then I crushed her to me, the feeling of her body against mine, skin to skin, the most exquisite torture. But knowing that I would have her tonight in truth was a balm to my soul. No, she was the balm to my soul.
I undid the button of my shorts and lowered the zipper then crowded her until she lay back on the bed. I lay on my left side and took my time feasting on her body, starting with her delicious mouth and working my way down to the most delicate part of her, lavishing attention on every inch in between. When she was completely naked and panting, I placed my mouth on her. It didn’t take long for her to erupt, her entire body shaking.
“Holden, I need you. Please.”
The sound of her, begging for me, almost made me lose it. I took a few deep breaths and shucked my shorts and boxers, making sure to grab a condom from my nightstand drawer.
Tamryn reached for me, and I let her encircle me with her delicate fingers. Just that small touch had my eyes crossing, but when she gently rolled me over, repositioned herself, and took me in her mouth, I almost bucked off the bed.
“Babe, if you keep that up, we won’t be doing anything more for a bit.”
She laughed, and the sound vibrated through me, ratcheting up my desire. She gave me one last, long lick and then plucked the condom from the duvet, rolling it over my length. The action had never looked sexier or felt so good.
From one heartbeat to the next, I was fully sheathed, her wet heat surrounding me. I groaned and attempted to hold still, to let us both get used to the feeling.
“God, Holden,” she breathed. “Just…give me a minute.”
“Take all the time you need. Damn, you feel so fucking good.”
After a beat where she sat up and grabbed her breasts with a look of rapture on her face, I realized I couldn’t wait any more. I moved, and she moved with me, the two of us creating a syncopated rhythm as old as time. Harder. Faster. Headier. But despite the raw and carnal nature of what we did, nothing had ever felt like this before. So…perfect.
We came together in a rush, her clamping her teeth gently on my good shoulder to muffle her scream, me shouting her name to the rafters. And then we rested, a heap of sweaty, tangled limbs and panting breaths.
When we were ready for bed, I kissed the top of her head and snuggled her closer as she drew the covers up around us and laid her head on my pectoral, kissing my flesh before she burrowed in.
This woman, this doctor with the tragically beautiful past, had stolen my jaded forty-two-year-old heart. And I never wanted it back.
Chapter 14
Tamryn
Three weeks had flown by in the blink of an eye, but the day had arrived. Most of the team had already headed to Miami. I stayed behind for a bit because I had some responsibilities in Baltimore I had to take care of first—Holden being one of them. They didn’t need me yet anyway.
He was supposed to find out today whether Merrick would allow him to delay the surgery for a bit and head to Florida. They still weren’t sure what was going on there, but if there was even a chance that it was a clot, there were risks. I honestly didn’t know what the doctor’s recommendation would be. Whatever happened, I would be there to support him, though I sincerely hoped that if the doctor told Holden that he couldn’t go and that he had to have the surgery right away, he wouldn’t fight it. However, I feared the worst.
Over the past day or so as Holden attended meetings with the team and helped to develop strategy, I could see how much he wanted to be there. How much it would devastate him if he was told he couldn’t go. And I knew he still felt like this was something he had to do to feel whole. Part of me got that. The other part knew that it was only a ripple in the ocean of life.
When the end of my workday rolled around, I was excited to see Holden and find out how things went. He’d given me a key and the codes the other day since we were spending most of our free time together now anyway. Good thing he did, too, since my phone had died earlier in the day and my charger was on his counter.
When I arrived at the house, I had a weird feeling. A sense of foreboding that I couldn’t quite place. When I walked into the house, Mrs. Reyes greeted me in the foyer.
“Ah, Miss Tamryn. How are you?”
I couldn’t help but smile. I loved this woman. She was so…genuine. And she kept Holden on his toes. I had only met her twice before, once at the hospital and once when she came to drop off supplies to the house, but I thought that we could become friends. And the woman cooked like nobody’s business.
“Mrs. Reyes. I’m well. And you?” I gave her a quick hug when she hustled over to me.
“Tamryn, I told you. Please call me Yari. And I’m good. But why are you here?”
I scrunched my brows, confused. “I’ve been staying here most nights. I came to see Holden.”
It was Yari’s turn to look confused. “El cabro is not here. I thought yo
u were going with him.”
My stomach dropped. “Going with him…where? To the doctor? His appointment was this afternoon.”
“No, mi bonita, to the airport.”
I felt sick. Holden had gone to the airport? Did Merrick clear him for travel, or did he make the decision on his own? Did he not tell me because he was afraid of what I’d say, or did I miss a call? I squeezed Yari’s shoulder and rushed off to the kitchen where my charger was, quickly plugging the device in and losing my damn mind in the time it took to boot up.
When I could finally access my call log, I saw that I had indeed missed a call from him, but he hadn’t left a voicemail. When I checked my texts, I saw nothing. On a whim, I looked at my work email. He’d sent a note. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It could have been considerate, him hoping I’d get it while still at the office. It could have been evasive.
Hey,
Merrick and I had a chat. He wants me to have the surgery tomorrow, but I just can’t. I need to go to Miami with the team. I need to see this through. I’ve accepted the dangers and will deal with the consequences if there are any. I’m headed to the airport now and know that you will be on your way shortly. We’ll talk when you get to Florida, okay? I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you before I left.
Yours,
H-
Oh no, he didn’t. I could feel my blood pressure rising. After all the talks we’d had about the dangers of rushing things, of how doing certain things could mean a setback, he still went against medical advice. I’d thought I could be supportive of his decision. But that had been when, in my mind, Merrick had left that decision up to him. From that email, it sounded like Merrick had told him not to go, that it could be too dangerous, and yet…the pigheaded asshole had gone and done it anyway. I could empathize with the struggle he must be going through. But was this game really worth his life? That was probably a little extreme, but if that possible blockage turned into a clot while he was in the air or after landing, it literally could mean life or death.
Blue Forty-Two: A Quick Snap Novella Page 6
