The Reconstruction of Cyprian

by Michelle Love

  “Cyprian, I hate the way you make things sound. It sounds like a business deal you’re making with me. In return for your faithfulness to me, I am to let you fuck me whenever you please,” I say then huff and cross my arms in front of me.

  “Isn’t that, essentially what a relationship is, Cami? And there’s no reason to use vulgar terminology when describing sex. Also, it won’t be anytime I please. It’s not like you’re my sex slave. It will be a relationship. We promise to be faithful to one another while also seeing to each other’s needs. I’m sorry if you feel I’m being too straight forward. I don’t know any other way to be. I know business and that’s the way I think is best to handle this thing with you,” he says and thumps the counter top with his fist. “Come to my place when you get off and we can hammer out any details you want.”

  I laugh and shake my head. “Cyprian, I am not about to sit down and write out a contract for us. Bye.”

  I walk away, leaving him staring after me. He turns away and leaves and I feel a weight on me.

  Did I have to be that hard on him…

  Chapter 3

  CYPRIAN

  “Give me her address,” my father says as I sulk on the sofa in his den. “I’ll go talk to her. I’ll explain things to her about you.”

  “Papa, she’d rip you apart. She doesn’t like how you raised me,” I let him know before he makes a huge mistake.

  “Rip me apart?” he asks as his hand flies to his chest. “I highly doubt that.”

  “I don’t. She’s pretty snappy with her words. And she is sure to have some choice ones for you. I’ve been at her store every night this last week. She’s brutal,” I say and take another long drink of the Scotch my father gave me to settle me after another brutal night of trying to unruffle Cami’s very ruffled feathers.

  “I’ll take my chances. Her address, Cyprian? Please don’t make me find it for myself.” He picks up his cell phone, getting ready to make a call that will get him the information he wants.

  “Papa, you need to let me fight my own battles with her. I did this to myself. I should’ve sent those women away. I do deserve this.” I take another drink and watch him tap away at his phone. “What are you doing?”

  “Your mother is in town. I’m sending her to go talk some sense into the tenacious woman.”

  “Papa, no! She isn’t Mother’s fan either. Please, let me handle things!” I get up and pace around the room. “Why must you bother yourself with my personal affairs?”

  “I’ve never butted in before,” he says. “I just can’t stand to see you so unhappy. I have to do something about it.”

  “You have butted in before. Many, many times. The day you asked me to come to that first party, that was you butting into my personal life. You taught me that was the only way to socialize. You cheered me on when that woman, that grown woman, led me up the stairs to my bedroom. The whole room did. No wonder I am immoral and incapable of having a normal woman. Cami’s right, I am asking too much of her and I’m just now realizing that.” I move toward the door. “I have to get out of here.”

  “Cyprian!” my father calls out. “You are not at fault here. You did nothing wrong. You and she had no prior commitment. Stop apologizing. Be a man!”

  I hurry away, ignoring him. He’s wrong and I know he is and now I know I’ve been wrong too. Ashton is waiting in the car for me as it’s Friday and I told him I wanted to talk to my father, briefly but I wanted to be gone before any of his guests arrive.

  He’s out and opening the back door of the Cadillac he drove me to work in today and I get in. “Take me to Cami’s.”

  “Sir, that’s such a bad…”

  I interrupt him, “Just do it!”

  He closes the door as he shakes his head and goes around the car to get in. He’s quiet as a church mouse all the way to her house. I see her car in the drive and get out.

  She opens the door just before I get to it. Her green smock is in her hand. “I don’t have time for this, Cyprian.”

  She tries to go past me but I grab her arm. “I only want to tell you one thing, Camilla. I want to tell you I am sorry and I’m taking my offer off the table.”

  She stands perfectly still and looks into my eyes. “You are?”

  With a nod, I turn and leave her alone. I’m not trying to hurt her or manipulate her. I am merely giving her the information that I will no longer be asking her for anything. I’ve tried to rush things just so I can get her into my bed and I am done doing that to her.

  Tonight starts a new way of living for me. And I don’t need Cami in my bed to make changes. I need to be the best man I can be and stop thinking about my damn sex life or lack thereof.

  She’s right, there is more to life than just sex. There’s so much more and I’m about to discover just what else there might be in this big old world that I’ve left undiscovered.

  If love is meant for me, it will come my way. But I can’t take Camilla, just to give me the experience. It’s wrong in so many ways.

  As I get back into the backseat of my car, I see Cami getting into hers and I have to wonder what she’s thinking about what I said.

  I hope she wasn’t hurt by it…

  Chapter 4

  CAMILLA

  An entire week has passed without me seeing hide nor hair of Cyprian. I watch each night for one of his many cars to pass by on his way home after work but have yet to spot one.

  He told me he was taking his offer off the table but I didn’t think that meant he was really done. There’s an empty spot inside of me with him gone. I didn’t realize it was there until he left me completely alone.

  I find myself looking at my cell phone many times a day and thinking about giving him a call. Which I know I shouldn’t do. I’m sure he’s staying at his father’s and getting all the ass he can since he missed out on so much of it as he wasted his time on me.

  It’s Saturday night and I’m closing the store, looking around for any sign that Cyprian is around, maybe looking out for me. I see no sign and know I went too long and too far. He’s over me.

  I deserve it, I know I do. I gave him no slack at all. As time has passed, I made some realizations about the man. His past is a thing I didn’t take into consideration when I was so hard on him for being with those escorts, as they call themselves.

  He is a man who has had terrible examples in his life. I should’ve been nicer to him about it. I could’ve said things nicer to him. I didn’t have to give in and take him up on his offer but I didn’t have to be so mean with how I told him things.

  As I look back at all the different things I said, as he came in each night, I have to admit I was harsh. And I’d like to apologize for being so judgmental. It’s really not like me at all.

  Driving down the road, I see his gate and look up the drive and see the house is all lit up. I wouldn’t dare pop in on him. Never again will I subject myself to that!

  But I might give him a call to tell him I’m sorry about how I talked to him. He has the capacity to be a good man. I saw it that day on our day-long date. It’s there, just beneath the surface.

  A surface that’s been hardened by a life of repetition with no influences to show him how a loving relationship works. And I talked to him as if he was to blame for that. He was a child, for God’s sake!

  Pulling into my drive, I find myself feeling extremely remorseful and I go inside and plop down on my sofa. The pale green fabric is threadbare as the furniture came with the place.

  Still looking at my phone, I know it’s late. It’s two-thirty in the morning. Instead of calling and waking him up or hearing tons of women in the background, I find it safer to send him a text. -I’d like to apologize to you for the words I’ve said. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I’d love to apologize to you in person or at least over the phone.-

  When nothing comes back, I place the phone on the coffee table and go to bed. I had an idea he’d want nothing to do with me. And he’s right to be that way.


  I berated the man who had nearly no control over what he did. That had been ingrained in him, since he was five-years-old. Only ten years later, sex was thrust upon him. And I tore into him like he had complete control over himself.

  It’s like screaming at a person who can’t see, for stepping on your toes. Cyprian did do things wrong. But it was obvious by how he acted that he knew it was wrong. He never knew that before.

  Everyone he was around, accepted him having sex with whoever he wanted to. I go on one date with the man and think we’re a couple and treat him like I was his wife.

  Was it shameful for him to screw two women after dropping me off minutes earlier?

  For certain!

  The thing is, I never gave him a chance to talk it out with me. I just judged him, harshly and walked away. Every bit as coldly as he did to me, in the beginning.

  I don’t deserve a second chance. I know that. But I do want him to know I am sorry for how roughly I’ve treated him. It was wrong and I merely want the opportunity to tell him that. But it seems he doesn’t want to give me that and I have to accept the fact, I will not get what I want. And I’ll have to learn to be okay with that.

  But, damn, this feels terrible…

  Chapter 5

  CYPRIAN

  After a two-week retreat to cleanse myself from the poisons that have been fed to me since birth, I have found a guru to help me find the inner me who’s been shoved down my entire life.

  Tabitha is a fifty-year-old woman who looks much younger, thanks to learning how to live life in a positive manner. She’s had just as many hardships as any of us who attended her retreat have had and she has managed to not only overcome them but learn from them and use them as stepping stones to help her get out of the hole she was in. She taught us a lot of techniques to use to help us achieve the same goals.

  Our phones were the first things to go, so we could immerse ourselves in getting to know our true selves. The instructions told us to leave them at home, which I did.

  During the retreat, I found I want more from this life than I ever imagined. I never took the time to stop and think about what it was I wanted.

  Kids have always been a thing I thought I was incapable of raising but I found a deep desire to see myself in another human being. So, now kids are part of what I want to experience in my life.

  Tabitha says we only get one life and we should live it to the fullest, which means something different for each person. She’s a wise woman. Her little sayings run through my head often.

  I’m about to walk into my home, for the first time in two weeks, and pick my phone back up and begin my normal life again but with a whole new attitude.

  Work is to be eight to ten hours a weekday and no more than that. I thought I couldn’t take any time off. Somehow the company made it just fine without me for two weeks, so I think they can manage to have me a few less hours each day.

  Each weekend, I am to schedule something I’ve never done before. This upcoming weekend I will go skydiving. Tabitha says it was an amazing experience and everyone should do it at least once in their lifetime.

  Sunday’s should be days for reflection and one should take it easy. Rest as much as you want to and find something uplifting to read or watch. I got a book from the Oprah book club site and will be reading that on Sunday.

  My body and mind feel so much better than I ever recall feeling before. I do believe finding Tabitha’s website and going to her retreat was a great thing for me.

  Today is Sunday and work begins tomorrow. Back to the normal world I go then and have to see if I can really incorporate some of what I’ve learned into my real life.

  Ashton pulls to a stop at the front door. “Here you are, sir. Did you miss the place?” He starts to get out of the car to help me out.

  “No, Ashton, let me get my things. I appreciate your help but I can do for myself,” I say as I open my own door.

  He pops the trunk, so I can get my bags, and I find him getting out, anyway. “Cyprian, I am paid to do this for you. Allow me to do my job, please.”

  “I’ve been spoiled for too long.” I pick up one bag and find him picking up the other.

  “Spoiled is not what you’ve been, sir. You pay me to do this for you.” He begins to carry the bag to the door and I follow behind with the one I picked up.

  “Ashton, you don’t need to call me, sir. Call me by my name. You’re older than I am. You shouldn’t talk to me as if I am your superior. Tabitha says we are all equals and should act that way.” I wait while he disarms the security system he had put in while I was away.

  I asked him to get that done for me just before I got out of the car at the airport the day I left for the retreat. I also had him change the code to the gate. I want no more surprises from anyone.

  Once he’s opened the door, he hands me a card. “This has the codes for each panel, Cyprian. And as far as calling you, sir, that’s a thing I’ve grown accustomed to, so it may pop out now and again. Take no offense by it. I’m old and set in my ways.”

  “Speaking of old, just how old are you, Ashton?” I ask him as I thought he was around fifty.

  “I am fifty-three,” he says as he takes my bag inside.

  “Well, I’m not trying to be rude at all but Tabitha is fifty and she looks much younger. She says taking supplements along with a diet rich in raw veggies and organic spices is the key to that. You should let me give you her diet plan. It could take years off you. And it might help your wife too,” I tell him as we go inside.

  “That’s very nice of you,” he says. “Shall I take these up to your bedroom?”

  “No, I’ll do that. I just want to settle in and meditate for a little while.”

  “I’ll leave you to that then.” He turns to leave and I take the bags and make my way to my room. “Good to have you back, Cyprian.”

  “I hope it’s good to be back, Ashton. See you in the morning. We will see how this all goes.”

  Getting into my bedroom, I put my things down and see my cell phone, sitting on the bedside table where I left it. It seems the maid has plugged it into the charger and it’s ready for me to see what I’ve missed in the last two weeks.

  I told my parents what I was doing and both were very supportive. My father conceded that he had no idea how to parent, he wished me luck on finding the me I want to become. Mother was a bit put off by where I was going. She thought it sounded cultish but told me she approved of me trying to better myself.

  It did feel kind of like a family with Tabitha. She made us all feel at home on the small farm we stayed on. Small cabins dotted an area in the back of her quaint farm home. There were six of us. She says she keeps the groups that small, so we can all get her special attention.

  She’ll be coming into town on Wednesday. She’s going to do a workshop with my staff at work. I think they all could use a dose of her mental medicine. I can’t wait to see what they all think after hearing her talk.

  Sitting on my bed, I pick up my phone and find myself afraid for some reason. I’ve hidden from my reality for only two weeks but it’s felt like an eternity. I’m not wanting to come back to it.

  But I must, so I start looking through my phone and when I open my text messages, one pops up at me. “Cami.”

  I’ve put her in a place in myself for safekeeping, leaving the obsession out of it. She’s apologizing for how she spoke to me. And my heart is thumping hard in my chest.

  Tabitha said it would be a bad idea to get involved with anyone right now. She described my soul like a wound that has been opened and scraped and needs to heal before bringing anyone else into it. The desperation I felt before is gone. But the want for Cami is still present.

  So, I decide to leave that alone for now. I’m not strong enough to handle her right now. I have to give myself time to heal and acclimate to my surroundings once again. This time, doing things my way.

  But I do text her back to let her know I got the text and am not ignoring her. -Cami, thanks for the
apology. It’s appreciated. I’ve been working on myself. When I feel ready, I will come and see you. Then we can apologize to each other in person and put the past where it belongs.-

  That should ease her thoughts about me if she was worried or something. I didn’t mean to worry her with my leaving. I just had to work on myself.

  I wonder if she was worried about me…

  Chapter 6

  CAMILLA

  It’s been a week since I texted Cyprian and he’s just now texting me back, telling me he was working on himself and when he’s ready, he’ll come talk to me. I’d like to see him right now but it sounds as if he’s ready to put me in his past. A thing I’m finding hard to swallow.

  I have the day off and it’s barely noon. To sit just down the road from him and not go over there will be hard to do. But I suppose I have to.

  -Cyprian, thanks for answering my text, I was worried about you. Glad to know you are okay. I look forward to the day you feel like talking to me again.-

  Getting off the sofa, I grab my running shoes and decide it would be best to run off some of this anxiety I’m beginning to feel. I didn’t realize he’d crept so deep inside of me that the idea of him leaving me behind is affecting me so much.

  It’s not as if I had any grand ideas he and I’d end up together. I didn’t think that at all. I assumed he was at his father’s place, fornicating like a rabbit with random women. To find out he was somewhere, working on himself, is so very different from what I was thinking.

  I take off out of the house and start running in the direction which will have me passing by his estate. It’s a long shot I’ll even catch a glimpse of him or him of me but it’s a gamble I’m willing to take.

  I just want to see him, even if only for a moment!

  Jogging down the country road, my mind refuses to stop thinking about the man. I wonder where he went to work on himself. I wonder if he did that for himself or me. I wonder if what he learned about himself made him think he and I are too different and would never work out.