The Reconstruction of Cyprian

by Michelle Love

  “Hi, Jenna,” Sue answers.

  “Sue, do you know where Rod is?”

  I cross my fingers but her words let me down, “No. Why?”

  “His things are gone. And he didn’t go to work. He won’t answer their calls or texts.”

  “Did you two have a fight?” she asks.

  “Not that I know of. I mean, we drank a lot last night and much of it is a blank. But we haven’t fought in a long time so I can’t see why we would’ve. Can you try to call him?”

  “Yes. I’ll tell Jason and we’ll see if we can’t find him, Dear. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I call Rod next and it goes straight to voicemail. I text him. -Baby, where are you?-

  My hand is shaking as I place the phone back on the nightstand and stare at it as if it’s a magic looking glass that will tell me where the man I love is.

  An hour passes as I stare at the phone then it rings and I grab it without taking the time to see who it is. “Rod!”

  “It’s Reed, Jenna. What’s happened, Mom called me and said Rod’s left you.”

  “Did she talk to him? Did he tell her that?” I ask as I fall back on the bed.

  “No. She just said you told her he was gone and his things were gone and he’s not answering their calls. I tried to call him too, and he’s not answering me either.”

  “Reed, I got very drunk last night. I can’t remember much at all.”

  “Damn, Jenna. I’ve never even seen you get tipsy. Have you two been fighting?”

  “Not at all. It’s been three months since we got engaged and we haven’t fought even once.” I feel my bottom lip beginning to quiver. “Reed, I feel lost.”

  “Jenna, everything will be okay. This isn’t the first time Rod’s disappeared.”

  “It’s not?” I sit up and wipe my eyes as a few tears have slipped out.

  “No, it’s not. When he was eighteen he left for six months. No one knew where he was and the man refused to tell anyone where he’d been. When he was twenty, he left and came back a little after his twenty-first birthday.”

  I met Rod six months after that. And now I do recall him not being around for about four months when he was twenty-two as well.

  “Reed, what is it he does, do you think?”

  “I’ve always thought drugs were involved in it. And that’s what our parents think too. Is he doing drugs at home, Jenna?”

  “No. He drinks and smokes cigarettes but that’s all. Do you think he has a secret drug problem?” I hold my stomach as it aches so badly.

  Reed’s voice is shaky as he says, “I’m pretty sure he does, Jenna. I’m sorry. I tried to get you to understand he’s not a reliable man. You deserve better.”

  “But we’ve been together a little over three years, Reed. That’s a long time to be stable. How could he do this to me?” And then the tears take over and I can’t even see as there are so many.

  “I’m sorry, Jenna. I really am,” he says. “Keep up your schoolwork. Don’t let this stop you or slow you down. I’ll keep it all paid for. Just don’t let him doing this stop you from going on and doing what you need to do to be the person you want to be.”

  “I have to go,” I say then put the phone down and cry into Rod’s pillow.

  The apple scent is still there from the shampoo. I take in jagged breaths as I try to get what’s left of him into my body and into my soul.

  I don’t know how I can go on. I don’t know how I can live not knowing if he’s okay.

  How will I ever be whole again? How will I ever trust again? How will I go on without knowing if he’s okay?

  The day turns into night and back into day again before I can pull my weak body out of our bed.

  His pillow I have soaked with my tears. So many more than I knew I had. I can hear someone knocking at the front door and manage to get to it.

  Sue and my mother are standing on the other side of the screen door. Both wear sorrowful expressions. Mom pulls the screen open and they come inside.

  I try to turn and walk away but they have me in their arms and I start crying all over again. “I can’t do this.”

  Their hands run through my hair and over my back as they murmur things like, it’ll be okay and you will get over this.

  I won’t get over this!

  Not ever!

  Then anger spreads like a wildfire through me and I pull out of their arms. “Sue, how could no one have ever told me that Rod disappears like this?”

  My mother looks at me with a confused expression. “Jenna, this town is tiny. You knew he did this kind of thing. Why are you asking her that question? The man had a bad reputation. You knew he was into questionable activities. It’s the main reason your father, and I cautioned you so much about moving in with him.”

  Sue takes my hand. “Jenna, I told you he was difficult. I didn’t know you were unaware of his past.”

  “How did you make it when he disappeared those times, Sue? I have to know how I’m going to be able to live not knowing if he’s okay.” My hand shakes in hers.

  “Prayers. That and hope.” Sue pulls me to sit down on the sofa with her and my mother takes the other side and runs her hand over my leg. “It nearly killed me the first time. He left right after his graduation ceremony. We thought he was coming to meet us at the party we threw him at the gun club out on the old Freeman ranch.”

  “Let me guess,” I say. “He never showed up and when you went home his things were gone.”

  She nods. “Then we at least knew he wasn’t kidnapped or something awful like that. We reported him missing and the police never found out a thing. One day, the door opened and in he walked. When we asked where he was he told us to lay off him or he’d leave again. So we shut up.”

  “I can’t live like this,” I say.

  My mother pats my leg. “And you shouldn’t. Even if he comes back, Jenna, you shouldn’t take him back. No one should have to put up with this kind of thing.”

  I look at Sue who nods at me. “I hate to say that. But what your mother is saying is for the best. You deserve better, Jenna. Rod is a destructive man. He’s always been hard to get to. And damn hard to understand. I can’t blame drugs for it all. He was an odd little boy.”

  “But I felt like we were connected. I felt like I did understand him. I feel like an idiot,” I say then put my face in my hands. “How can I show my face in this town? Everyone knows we were going to get married. It was in the damn newspaper.”

  Sue’s hand rests on my shoulder. “It’ll be okay, Jenna. Time will heal you. You’ll see.”

  “Come home with me, Jenna. Let’s get you out of this house. It’ll only keep you upset without him here,” Mom says.

  “I can’t leave. What if he changes his mind and comes back home?” I pull my face out of my shaking hands and look at her.

  “Why would you want to go back to life with him? After what he’s done, why would you do that to yourself?” Mom asks me with a frown.

  “I love him. Maybe he got scared. Maybe this marriage thing is too much for him. I never had to have the marriage. He and I had our own thing.”

  Then it hits me.

  The contract!

  I jump off the sofa and run to the bedroom and pull open the drawer he keeps it in. “No! No! He took it! No!” Sue and my mother come into the room.

  Mom’s arms come around me. “He took what, Baby?”

  “Our paper. He took the paper that said we would be together forever. Why would he not even leave that?” I turn to look at them. “Maybe it means for me to wait.”

  Sue looks at me with so much sadness in her light blue eyes. “Jenna, you shouldn’t sit around and wait to see. This isn’t right what he’s done. He shouldn’t even be able to come back and have you again. Your mother’s right. You have to move on. Even if he comes back. He doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Sue, you know how much I love him. I can’t stand to move on. I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever if I have to.”

  “Did he leave y
ou any money, Sweetie?” Sue asks me.

  I shake my head. “He kept all the money. He’d give me some when he needed me to buy things. But he kept it all.”

  My mother takes me by the chin and makes me look at her. “Sweetheart, how are you supposed to wait for him here with no money?”

  “I guess I have to get a job. I’ll get a job and keep this place and when he comes back he’ll know I waited and that I love and accept him for who he is. He’ll know he can trust me to always be his. Then he’ll change for good. Then he’ll know someone cares for him so much they’d just wait for him.” I look into his mother’s eyes for a sign.

  That has to be what this is, a test to see if I’ll wait for him!

  No matter how hard they try to get me to leave, I will wait here and keep this home for him until he comes back to me. He’ll see, they’ll see, we will all see then that he does love me and this is just his way of testing my love for him.

  I can’t think any other way. It’s what I have to do.

  I swallow hard and look back at the women who think they know what’s best. But Rod and I have secrets they know nothing about.

  He’s tested my limits before. It may seem harsh what he’s done, but I get it. I get him in a way no one else ever has.

  “I can do this. I’m okay now. I can take care of myself. Don’t worry about me. I can handle this.” I walk into the living room and go to my desk. “I’ll talk to you guys later. I have to get my classwork done. I’m starting late on it and I don’t want to get behind. Rod would be disappointed in me if I did that. I want him to come back and see how self-reliant I am and capable of being the woman he needs me to be.”

  Sue takes my mother by the hand and pulls her to the door. “Let this settle into her head, May.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I see my mother nod then she says, “We’re only a phone call away, Jenna. Don’t hesitate to call. I love you.”

  “Love you too, Mom. He’ll be back. You’ll see. You will all see. This is just a test. A test I will pass.”

  “I love you too, Jenna. I’ll be here if you need me, Sweetheart,” Sue says then they leave.

  With a shake of my head, I feel better. More clear about things now. Opening my laptop, I get to work.

  He’ll be back, I know he will!

  Chapter 11

  JENNA

  An entire year has passed and still there’s been no sign of Rod Manning.

  I moved out of the house when the rent came due and I didn’t make enough money from the tips I made at the very small café I managed to get a job at in Jerome.

  After a couple of months living at my parents' home, back in my childhood bedroom, I decided to move to Tempe and go to the real Arizona State University at Reed’s prompting.

  He’s called me once a month to see how I’m doing and check on my grades. He always lets me know he’s proud of my achievements and knows his company’s scholarship money is going to good use.

  Truth be told, though, his voice always leaves me full of sorrow. But there’s no way I’d stop taking his calls. Not after all he’s done for me.

  But it does hurt when I’m reminded of Rod. I try very hard not to think about him and our time together. And I find I have no trust in people.

  No matter how many guys have asked me out, I can’t seem to make myself give any of them a chance. That’s a thing my dorm roommate doesn’t understand about me.

  Of course, I haven’t told a soul about what Rod and I did. How much trust I put in him and how bad it hurt to know he did all that to me and left me, anyway.

  Somewhere deep inside me, I know he’s a man with deeper problems than I ever understood. And that alone helps me sleep at night.

  Sure from time to time I wake from some nightmare where Rod has shown up and wants me back. Tells me I’m his and drags me away with him.

  I’m sure it’s an unfounded fear. But it’s there.

  And if I was to have some guy with me when he did show up I have no idea what he would do to both of us. So it’s best to stay alone.

  It seems I have more than a few reasons not to date.

  As if on cue the door to the dorm room opens and my roomie, Lane comes in. “Still in the same place you were when I left to go out with Jeremy. When are you going to come out with us, Jenna?”

  “Never.” I look at her then back at the book in my hand. “I’m here to learn, not mingle.”

  “All work and no play, Jenna. Have you heard that little saying?” she asks as she pulls her tight T-shirt off.

  “I have and don’t care what others say. I’m on a mission to graduate and get out of Arizona and on to a life far away from my past.”

  “Tell me about this past of yours.” Lane drops her jeans and pops her bra off and climbs into her little bed across the room from mine.

  “Nope.” I look at her over the edge of my book. “It’s a boring story.”

  “It can’t be. It has you a near recluse.” She pulls her red blanket up to cover her bare breasts them she wiggles around and her panties are thrown to the floor.

  She likes to sleep naked. Says it’s more comfortable.

  I know it is. That’s how Rod and I slept every night for three years. But now I wear pajamas and I don’t sleep that well, anyway.

  I ignore her and go back to reading. But she won’t stop. “Jenna, you know that really gorgeous guy from our child development class, Cam?”

  I nod. “You like him now, or what?”

  “Or what,” she says. “No. I saw him tonight at the club and he asked where you were.”

  “So,” I say as I really don’t care.

  “So, he asked for your cell number and I gave it to him.”

  I put the book on my lap and glare at her. “I gave you that number in case you ever needed me to come rescue your ass from either a rapist or a kidnapper. Not to give out to men. And I’m pretty mad at you right now, Lane.”

  “You can talk on the phone can’t you? He’s nice and good looking and I think he’s also loaded. I saw him get into a fancy sports car when we were leaving the club.” She sits up in the bed and the blanket falls off her ample tits as she does.

  With a roll of my eyes, I say, “You know, Lane, it’s chicks like you who give female college roommates the stigma of us all being bi-sexual.”

  I catch her holding her boobs and squeezing them together and shaking them. “Oh, am I enticing you with these little things. Has it been so long since your vag has had any action that you’re getting interested, Jenna?” She laughs and I look at her with a blank face.

  “Really, Lane? Go to sleep.”

  She turns over and leans her head on her hand. “Come on, Jenna. Tell me about the guy who ruined you.”

  Rod’s face flashes in my mind and I find tears spring forward. She spots them and says, “Jenna, it will help to talk about him. No matter what you believe. It will help.”

  I push his face out of my mind. “You have no idea, Lane. Talking about him would only bring up wounds which have closed and rip them open again. I have a hard time even talking to his brother once a month like I have to. Talking will only hurt me, not help me.”

  “What did he do to you?” she asks.

  I look at the book in my hands but don’t see the words. How do I explain to anyone what Rod Manning did to me?

  How would they ever understand why I’m not just so thankful he left and I don’t have to live that way any longer?

  “Nothing really. He just made me believe things that weren’t true. Hence, my issues. Not a big deal. Now go to sleep. You have a nine o’clock class and you’ll be in no condition for the pop quiz I overheard the professor say he was giving you guys.”

  “Fuck!” She turns over and pulls the blanket over her head. “Thanks for springing that on me. Good night.”

  “Good night,” I say then put my book away and turn off my lamp and try to go to sleep myself.

  But she’s put Rod back into my head and now I’m afraid sleep will be ha
rd to find.

  I can feel his rough, calloused hands running over my body as I close my eyes. His hot breath on the back of my neck as he pulls me close to him.

  Then I recall the way he’d blow smoke at me when I got onto him about smoking in the house or the truck. The way he’d look at me with no emotion in those steel-blue eyes and make me call him master.

  Even though we had a whole year of not doing any of that, I have this fear that he’s going to come find me. Demand I go back to him and start the whole thing over.

  Condition me to bend to his will again. Train me to accept the pain he dishes out. Beat me into submission again.

  When I look back and see myself, I shudder. On my knees in front of him, waiting to see what things he was about to put my body through.

  My body jerks as I hear in my mind the sound of the leather belt flying through the air before it slammed against my skin. A sound I’ll never forget.

  A sensation which fills me with shame. The burn of the strike would send my body into such an odd state. Pain but excitement.

  I always became so wet as he hit me over and over. And when he pulled me off the hook and threw me onto the bed or the floor and took me like he owned me, because he did, it made me quiver with desire.

  A desire to belong to him. To make him the center of my universe. To hand myself over to him so he could do anything he wanted to me.

  And the shame goes all over me.

  Why did I allow that?

  I wasn’t raised that way. I was a good girl and I’m a good girl again. But now I’m one who has these dark secrets.

  Secrets of enjoying the pain and the intense pleasure he’d follow it up with. Secrets of feeling elated that he kept me as his own. Secrets of knowing other women wanted him and most times he stayed away from them because I allowed him to do whatever he wanted to me.

  I was young back then. Stupid and naïve and thought that was love.

  That was control, that was manipulation, and that was unhealthy.

  I can see it all very clearly now. Age and getting away from it has helped.

  And I do thank God nearly every day that Rod left me. I’d still be right there in that if he hadn’t.