Brave

by Natalie Gayle

  Regret and guilt over what I’d done.

  Responsibility and integrity goaded me, taunted me.

  Fear whispered to me… ”You haven’t got it anymore, man. You can’t do it. There’s no way you can beat him.” It was a seductive caress and I wanted to relax into it. Fear offered an option, a way out. “All the pain will go away. Just don’t step in the cage again.”

  Then Eden’s face etched in anger and frustration screaming at me. “If I have to do this, so do you!” The scar on her face was a very real and constant reminder of the fear and pain Eden had to live with and overcome everyday. She was trying and making progress. What was I doing other than preaching and attempting to fix other people?

  I’d built myself a good life, and yes it was something I loved doing, but it wasn’t what I set out to do. I was born and raised to be a fighter. Would I look back ten, twenty years from now and have regrets?

  The answer was so obviously YES.

  I wouldn’t be able to change it then, but I could change it now.

  My breathing started to recover and I lifted my head to stare across the room at the quad bike looking all black and shiny, parked over on the other side. I could see my sulking form in the chrome of the exhaust.

  I’d been living a broken life, but not willing to face it or change it. How was I any better than Eden? What I’d accused her of being?

  I hated myself for it. Another demon to fight.

  That thought rattled around in my head for a long while. Long enough for me to realise the polished concrete floor wasn’t great on my back and my knuckles were really stinging and my throat felt like I’d swallowed a gallon of acid. My eyes felt like they were more swollen than after a pro fight.

  I dragged my sorry arse upright and headed across the room to the small bathroom tucked in the back corner of my workshop. I turned the water on and stripped off my sweat soaked jeans and underwear. I didn’t even bother to check the temperature. I just stepped in. It was freezing and I gave a shiver and let the water fall over me.

  The water seemed to help. It washed away the grime and the remnants of the demons coming out. Slowly I started to feel human again. I was exhausted, but it was more from the emotional rollercoaster than the pounding I’d put on the bags.

  I grabbed a clean towel from under the little sink and dried off a bit before securing it around my hips.

  I took a deep breath and headed for the stairs. Right now looking up there, I could have sworn I was about to climb Mt Everest. I knew what I had to do and I was terrified. I only hoped I hadn’t misread her.

  * * *

  Eden

  An hour had ticked over long ago. The pounding on the bag had stopped sometime around the hour and fifteen mark. I’d peeked my head out and seen him crumpled on the floor sobbing and I didn’t know what to do.

  I knew he wouldn’t want me to see him like this, but I also felt responsible. Then when he got up and headed across the floor to what I guessed was the bathroom, I retreated inside and cleared away the remains of dinner.

  That left me sitting here, flicking at my phone. I could text someone but what would I say? Besides what had happened tonight was deeply personal and emotional for both of us. I’d never tell and I knew he wouldn’t either.

  I heard his footsteps on the stairs as he slowly made his way up. My heart seemed to climb into my mouth with each one he took. I truly had no idea how he would react, what he’d say, but more to the point, what would I say?

  The lock twisted on the door and swung open and in he stepped. The first thing I noticed was how exhausted he looked, wearing nothing but a red towel around his hips. The second was the unmistakable red across his knuckles. Oh God, he’d pounded those bags without wrapping his hands.

  His eyes met mine and I struggled to read what they were holding. “Let me get dressed and we’ll talk.”

  Was that good? Or bad? What was it that I wanted? Did I want something with him? Did I even have a right to ask? All of these questions swirled around in my head with dizzying speed as I watched him walk over to a wardrobe tucked behind the bathroom. His back was to me the whole time and I studied every single one of the muscles in his back and shoulders as he moved. He slid the door open and pulled something from a shelf.

  Then dropped the towel…

  I was staring at his naked arse.

  Just like the rest of him, it was perfection. Two tight, hard globes of muscle that had made my fingers twitch and my breath quicken.

  He pulled on a pair of track suit pants sans underwear, swiped the towel off the floor and headed into the bathroom. A few seconds later he emerged with a large first-aid box and put it on the tea chest before making his way over to the fridge and dumping a heap of ice from trays into plastic bags.

  Finally he made his way back to the sofa and sat down beside me. I didn’t have to wait long for him to break the silence.

  “We need to talk.” His voice forced my eyes to meet his and they looked calm and focused once again. “But while we do, would you mind helping me clean these up?” He gestured to his hands.

  “Sure.”

  He nodded and motioned with his chin to the first aid box. “Everything you need is in there.”

  I opened the hard outer box, which was more like a small chest than any first aid box I’d ever seen and once I lifted the lid I realised why. There was a small pharmacy inside. Every possible size bandage, sticking plaster, wound dressing, antiseptic and wound cream seemed to be in there.

  “I’ve washed them out. They just needed to be disinfected.” I reached for the Dettol which I hoped wouldn’t sting too badly.

  He shook his head no. “Go the peroxide. I deserve the pain.”

  I ignored him and grabbed the Dettol. “Peroxide is okay for disinfecting, but crap for promoting wound healing. Apparently, it does something to destroy new cells. You get Dettol.” I wasn’t up for arguing with him. “Doctors at the hospital told me that.”

  He said nothing just let me take a sterile wipe and load it with Dettol to dab all over the wounds on his hands. I peeled the plastic bag filled with ice off his left hand and winced. It was nasty. His knuckled resembled minced meat rather than the smooth flesh he’d had not so long ago.

  “I heal quick.”

  “You’d want to. That’s going to hurt every time you move your hands.”

  He shrugged. “It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last, but I know you’re no stranger to pain either.”

  “That’s true, but I do try to avoid it where I can.”

  Xander let out a low chuckle. “Yeah, well tonight seems to have been one of those unavoidable times, but I can report it was long overdue.” I dabbed at his hands, but he didn’t wince. I guessed he was used to hiding pain. I figured it wasn’t something you wanted to show as a fighter.

  “Yep…been there done that. Have the T-Shirt, the sound track and the DVD. And one thing I’ve learned is that it pops up at the most unusual and often inconvenient times.” We both knew I was talking about the demons even though I hadn’t directly mentioned it.

  He nodded then spoke quietly. “I’ve buried it so deep for so long. I tried to forget it was there. I’d almost convinced myself I was over it.”

  “Yeah, I know that feeling well and sometimes I get to the point where if Grace, my therapist, asks me one more time how I feel, I swear I’m going to smack her in the head. It just gets monotonous.” I put the Dettol away and then went fishing in the box again looking for something else.

  “Just paint some Betadine on. I don’t want to cover them. I’ll ice them for a bit longer. Try to keep the swelling down.” I found the Betadine and got to work with a cotton tip.

  “Does talking ever help?” He asked it kind of shyly and I guess he felt a little less than manly asking the question. Did it help?

  “Sometimes. I guess it depends on who you talk to. Grace, my current therapist, is about the best I’ve had. But I always feel obligated or something when I talk to her. I g
uess she helps but I find I’m getting more and more aggravated each time I’ve seen her lately. I do find talking to my friend Beth helps a lot. She lost a leg in a motor vehicle accident so she seems to understand a lot better how I feel about things.”

  I capped the bottle of Betadine and put it back in the box. Then grabbed the rubbish and took it over to the bin I’d found in the kitchen.

  “Can I get you a drink?” I figured he had to be thirsty after what he’d been through.

  “That’d be awesome. Water is fine.” I filled two glasses from the big jug in the fridge and came back to the sofa and passed him one.

  I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to know.

  “Are we done?”

  He looked at me strangely and my stomach lurched. I had no idea what he was thinking or really where his head was at.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You and me—whatever it is…Is it...done?” My voice cracked a little at the end. It had been a really emotional night and I had a feeling there was more to come.

  “Do you want it to be done?” Xander asked the question slowly. Almost as if he was trying to prolong my answer, but it gave me no clues as to where his heart was.

  All I could do was go with honesty. If I got crushed in the process, I’d survive. It would hurt because, in the couple of hours I’d waited for him, I’d realised just how much I had come to enjoy being with him. I didn’t want to let that go.

  “I don’t want it to be done.” My voice was nothing more than a whisper and I hated that it sounded needy.

  He leaned back against the sofa and chuckled softly, shaking his head and suddenly a feeling of dread came over me. Did he not feel the same?

  “Stop panicking, Gem. I don’t want it to be done either, and I was sure you were about to give me a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together any longer.”

  “And what would you have done?” I really wanted to know. I wanted to have some inkling of just what I meant to him. What did together mean to him?

  “I would have spent however long it took convincing you into hanging in there with me.”

  This time I giggled. He really was relieved and I was beginning to see that the cool confident Sensei persona was a façade he wore like a uniform. It was becoming more and more obvious to me that he didn’t feel the need to wear it around me all the time.

  “So I need to ask; are you pissed at me? You kind of stormed out before. I’m just trying to figure out where we are.”

  “Yes, I’m pissed at you.” I lurched back a bit, but he went on before I had time to react too badly. “Because you made me face things. But I’m also proud of you. Do you have any idea how few people ever stand up to me?”

  That caused a funny sensation in my belly—I didn’t quite know what to make of it. “I’m not quite sure what happened. I just kind of snapped and you happened to be close so I unloaded on you.”

  He snorted. “Well, your aim couldn’t have been better targeted. The truth hurts and you dished me a hell of a serving.”

  “Is that a good or bad thing?”

  “Well, neither really, but it was what I needed. You gave me a lot to think about.” I’d been burying how I felt about The Cobra for a long time. I guess you can’t bottle those things up for ever. I’m just sorry you saw me like that.”

  I wondered if he knew just how much I had really seen. I didn’t think so and I decided it wouldn’t serve much purpose to tell him right now. The ground between us was still a little unknown to me at the moment.

  “You forced me to make the decision I needed to make. I’m going to take the fight.”

  He was stepping back in the ring.

  And suddenly I didn’t know how I felt about that. What if he got hurt? What if he ended up like The Cobra?

  If anything happened to him I’d feel so responsible.

  “Don’t do it for me,” I almost pleaded. I couldn’t live with any more pain if something happened to him.

  “I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me. This is something I need to do. I need to see if I’ve still got what it takes. You were right. I have to practise what I preach, otherwise I’m nothing but a fraud, a charlatan and I can’t live with that. I’d rather be beaten to a pulp or worse than ever be accused of being something less than honourable. To be worthy to stand by your side I have to walk the same line that I’ve asked of you.”

  Oh my God. It was intense and I had no idea how to feel. He was bearing his soul to me and it was the most humbling gift. I didn’t know what to do, so I did the only thing that felt right.

  I covered the distance between us in a split second and threw myself into his arms. I had no idea if that was the reaction he wanted or expected but that was what he got.

  My mouth found his and I instigated a kiss so hot I couldn’t breathe. This time it wasn’t just a gentle lip rub.

  This was wild and fierce. We’d jumped about a thousand steps and moved straight to the big leagues. My tongue slashed at his and my hands gripped his shoulders until my fingers began to hurt. Our teeth bumped and I pushed my body harder into his. His hand found the back of my head and cradled it; he guided me to some extent, but let me rule and devour.

  He let out a low moan in his throat, and we both went tumbling back onto the sofa. Xander on the bottom, me straddling his hips. There was no mistaking it this time. I was aware of exactly what was pushing up at me between my legs and I wanted it badly.

  I pulled my mouth away from his and looked down at him breathing raggedly. Then it all seemed to swamp me at once.

  What the hell was I doing?

  I froze and closed my eyes.

  Could I go through with this?

  Was this what I wanted?

  God, what the hell sort of signals was I giving him.

  In the end the best I could come up with was “I’m sorry.” Before I attempted to scramble off him.

  * * *

  Xander

  Oh no. I wasn’t going to let her retreat now.

  It was time to have that other talk. The one we needed to have.

  I caught her wrist and rolled my knees up to lock around her hips, immobilizing her as gently as I could. I knew more moves than most and I had a feeling I was going to need every one of them to survive the ride Eden was going to take me on.

  “Stay right where you are and don’t you dare be sorry.” Her eyes flew open and I was struggling to read the emotions that were flicking across the beautiful blue pools.

  “I didn’t mean to lead you on…I just kind of got carried away. What you were saying was so intense and I just kind of acted rather than thought.”

  “Well, I can’t say I’m unhappy about it, Gem, but there’s another talk we need to have before we go any further.” Her head dropped and her eyes were boring into my collarbone again.

  “There’s no easy way to say this, honey, so I’m just going to ask…how far have you been with a man, Eden? Have you had sex before?”

  She didn’t answer for a long time and I was starting to feel very uneasy. Well as uneasy as I could with a raging hard on pressing up into her delectable butt. Not that I had any intention of taking things further tonight.

  At last she answered. “Twice, but it was a long time ago. I had a boyfriend before the fire. We’d had sex twice. Then he dumped me when he saw me after the fire.”

  Her voice was stilted and I knew that it had taken a lot for her to answer me. I reached up and pulled her down over my body in a hug. She needed it and so did I. Just having her body against mine seemed to make everything better.

  “Arsehole,” I whispered into her ear. “Want me to beat him up for you?” I was joking, but many a true word was said in jest. I could only imagine how his breaking up with her would have felt on top of everything else that was going on.

  “No, I don’t want you to beat him up for me. I could hardly expect him to stay.” There was something so resigned in her tone. And I felt for her. I was now starting to really understand why sh
e acted the way she did and the true extent of the hurt she’d suffered. Everyone had deserted her except for her family. They’d all judged her based on her scars and decided to cut ties. That had to be hurt upon hurt, from Eden’s perspective.

  I needed to lighten the mood and finish this conversation. “So tell me. This sex you had with the douchebag was it any good?” I asked with a little chuckle that had her rolling against me tighter.

  “Well, I guess that depends on what scale you’re using to judge. I can’t say I really have enough experience to know, but I’m sure hoping it gets better than him lasting less than a minute and me left wondering what all the big deal was.”

  This time I did chuckle for real. Oh my poor Gem—what a disaster! But then teenage sex was hardly stellar. I took her chin in my hand and urged her to raise her head to meet my eyes. I stole a little pecking kiss that was full of fun.

  “If you’re prepared to trust me I think I can report with certainty that there’s a lot more to it than what you’ve experienced and it would be my absolute pleasure to introduce you to the finer points.” I dropped another pecking kiss on her lips. This didn’t need to be too heavy. Being intimate was a hard enough subject as it was for her. I was determined to make it as easy as possible and to make her feel wanted and desired. God knew it was true. She was a hell of a heady package for me.

  “You on board with that?” I wanted an answer.

  “Yes,” she whispered against my neck.

  I relaxed my knees from around her hips. “Okay then, hop off, Gem. We need to go to bed.”

  She gasped and I knew what she was thinking.

  “Relax, Gem. Nothing is going to happen tonight. We’ve been on a rollercoaster. But you will be sleeping in my bed with me. If you can stand up to me, yell at me and jump me with a hell of a hot kiss, then you can certainly sleep in my arms. Fair enough?”

  It wasn’t a question but I got a nod of acceptance anyway.