The Christmas Secret

by Donna VanLiere

  “Here or there?”

  “She’s here. The job’s there.”

  “What does she say?”

  He laughed and jumped onto the counter, sitting on top of it. “We’ve never even been out together.” She stopped working and looked at him. “So what’s the problem, right?”

  “No, that’s a pretty big problem,” she said. “If you go you’ll never know, will you?” He nodded. “But if you stay and the whole thing’s a bust then you’ll kick yourself for what you gave up.”

  “Right.”

  She picked up another stack of mail and began sorting it. “Jobs are always there and there and over there but the possibility of love is not always there.”

  “She might not even like me.”

  Tamara smiled. “I bet she will.”

  He picked up the box and swung open the door. “If I don’t see you tomorrow. Hope you have a great Christmas. Are you here or . . .”

  “I’m going home,” she said.

  The lunch crowd fell off a little after one and I remembered the note I’d taken for Rosemary. I went to my locker and pulled the napkin out of my purse. The bulletin board was empty except for the schedule and a solitary note in the middle of the board. I glanced at it as I thumb-tacked the napkin up: Rosemary, Jason called. Job interview. Can’t do coffee. Back Wednesday. I looked at the note I had scribbled on the napkin, also to Rosemary, and laughed out loud.

  “Christine!” Karen was behind me. “There’s a woman out here asking for you.”

  I yanked the note down off the board and shoved it and the napkin into my apron pocket as I stepped around the corner. Mom was in front of the counter checking out the pastries and wearing a navy blue coat and a green scarf. Her red hair had recently been cut and was cropped short around her face. “Hey!” I said, running to her. “What are you doing? You were coming in tomorrow. I have to work and I’m not ready!”

  She wrapped her arms around me and held on tight. “That’s why I came early. Now I can make candy and cookies with the kids and help you get ready for Christmas.” She held me at arm’s length. “You look so pretty!”

  “An apron always brings out my eyes.”

  She slapped my arm and looked into the display case. “This place is great! Cream cheese bear claws? I haven’t seen one of those in ages!”

  “Sit down and I’ll get you one,” I said.

  “I don’t need a cream cheese bear claw. I just had lunch an hour ago and I want to see my grandchildren.”

  “Mom, you haven’t gained an ounce in twenty years. Eat the bear claw and then see your grandchildren.” I popped a bear claw into the microwave for a few seconds before setting it and a cup of coffee in front of her.

  She took a bite and shook her head. “This is unbelievable. I’ve never had one this good. Is it made here?”

  “All the baked goods are made here. Betty’s son came up with that recipe,” I said. She took another bite and I leaned onto the table. “Mom, you are never going to believe what’s been happening the last few days.”

  “Well, this must be Mom, right?” Betty walked toward me and I nodded.

  Mom smiled and turned her head to greet Betty and her eyes bulged. “Elizabeth?”

  “Jeanette!” Mom stood and Betty gave her a hug. “Let me wrap my mind around this,” Betty said, looking at her. “You’re Christine’s mother?”

  I sat in the seat and watched them. “You know each other?”

  “I worked in Elizabeth’s bakery. She taught me everything I know.”

  Betty sat down and stared at her. “Jeanette, I swear you’re as pretty today as you were at seventeen when you and Dennis were chasing each other around the kitchen.” Mom tried to smile but her face was stricken. “I would have given anything to keep your mother but she and Dennis broke up and I lost my best little baker.” She threw her hands in the air. “What a world! Fast-forward more than twenty-five years later and I’m working with your daughter.” She grabbed my face in her hands. “And she is as delightful as you were. You can be proud of this one.”

  “I am,” Mom said.

  I was still so confused. “Did you work in this town?” I asked. There was so much about my mother’s youth that she never talked about.

  “Right up the road,” Betty said. “At my first bakery. You and your folks only lived here a couple of years, right?”

  “That’s right,” Mom said. “Then we moved north.”

  “I was so sad to see you go and Dennis was beside himself. He tried to act cool but I knew. He was such a mess at that time. You remember. And it only got worse for a few years.”

  Mom poked at the bear claw on her plate. “Where is he now?”

  “He had a massive heart attack and died eight years ago.”

  Mom was quiet for a while, looking at her. Then she said, “I’m sorry, Elizabeth.”

  “You need to call me Betty. Nobody calls me Elizabeth anymore. Betty was much less to pay for on a sign.” She grabbed Mom’s hand. “My mind is racing! Did you get married?”

  “Yes. My husband will be here tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Then you need to bring your dad by as well, Christine,” she said, looking at me.

  “Richard’s not my dad. Mom married him seven years ago.”

  “Well, still bring him by,” she said, throwing her hands in the air again. Craig called to her from behind the counter. He was waving papers in the air. She stood and leaned over to hug Mom. “We have to catch up and I must tell you wonderful things about your daughter. Duty calls for now.”

  “Bye, Betty,” Mom said, watching her walk away. “She hasn’t changed.”

  “And that’s a good thing, right?”

  She nodded. “It’s great. She’s always been one of my favorite people.”

  “Mine, too,” I said.

  She took another bite of bear claw and pushed the plate away. “Okay, let’s keep this excitement rolling along. Where are my grandchildren?”

  Jason carried the gift boxes that hadn’t been picked up and loaded them into the back of Marshall’s car. “Are you sure this isn’t too many?” Dalton asked.

  “No, it’s fine,” Jason said. He ran inside the door for the last of the boxes.

  “What are you doing?” Zach asked.

  “Delivering these boxes for Miss Glory.”

  “Can I help you deliver them?”

  “You’re not allowed to leave the premises. Besides, you’d have a lot more fun here.”

  “You’re back!” Haley slammed into his legs and hugged them tight. “I saw you this morning when we were walking to the bus stop and I said, ‘He’s back. He’s back!’ ”

  “Mom’s car died,” Zach said.

  “But it was great because we got to ride the bus and an old guy gave Mom flowers,” Haley said.

  Jason stopped working and looked at her. “An old guy gave her flowers?”

  Haley made a circle with her arms. “A huge bouquet of the world’s most beautiful flowers.”

  He laughed and gave her a hug. “That is so cool.”

  “She was late going to work but I told her that she was supposed to be late today so she could get the flowers.”

  “That’s right,” Jason said, giving her a high five.

  The door opened and a blast of wintry air filled the vestibule. “Nana!” Haley shouted. Jason watched Zach and Haley fling themselves into a woman’s body and she wrapped them in her arms.

  “Hey! What’d Dalton say about not talking to strangers?” Jason said, teasing them.

  “This is not a stranger,” Haley said. “This is Nana.”

  “I assumed that,” he said, sticking out his hand. “I’m Jason. Nice to meet you.”

  “I’m Jeanette,” she said. “My daughter said she’d call so I could take the kids home.”

  “Dalton or Heddy probably talked with her,” he said. He waved at Dalton and Jason turned to go, looking at Jeanette. She smiled and he walked out the door.

  Judy pushed open t
he office door and smiled when she saw Marshall trying to find something on her computer. “Give up yet?”

  “What’s wrong with ledgers and paper files?”

  “Nothing if you’re a Pilgrim,” she said.

  He pulled off his glasses. “Is your vacation about over?”

  “You’re the one who told me to stay home,” she said, sitting on the chair in front of her desk. “So . . . happy anniversary. Did you take the flowers out yet?”

  “I was en route with the flowers when I gave them to someone else.”

  “To who?” she asked, leaning forward.

  “Get that grin off your face. To a young mother on the bus.”

  She shook her head and smacked it, trying to compute what he was saying. “What were you doing on the bus?”

  “Jason had the car.”

  “Did he get the job?” Marshall nodded. “I suppose I shouldn’t even ask if you’ve sat down for your talk yet?”

  Marshall sighed. “Judy, I’m too old for change.”

  She slapped the desk. “Nobody’s ever too old for change if the change is good. Don’t blow this, Marsh.”

  “You sound like Linda. Both of my Lindas.”

  “That’s because the three of us were always smarter than you.”

  “I know.”

  Gloria called a few minutes before I got off work and told me my car was in the back parking lot. “You mean it’s fixed?” I asked, peeking out the door.

  “Just a spark plug,” Gloria said. “I didn’t want you to ride the bus home so Miriam and I dropped it off.”

  “What do I owe Jack for his work?”

  “Not a thing,” she said.

  I opened my mouth to say something but decided, like Miriam said, to take hold of the hand and shut up.

  When we closed, Spence wrapped the vase of flowers in newspaper for me and held open the back door. I walked to the car and wondered how I’d get the flowers home without their toppling over. I put the key in the door and opened it, smiling as I sat down. Two envelopes sat on the backseat. I propped the flowers up against the front seat and reached for the envelopes. Five hundred dollars in cash was in the first envelope and the second had a one-hundred-dollar gift certificate to Wilson’s, a one-hundred-dollar certificate to the grocery store, and a one-hundred-dollar gift card to the gas station. I could feel my hands trembling. I had enough money to pay Ed for all my back rent. My mind raced with the thought. Maybe we could stay in the duplex.

  The scent of fresh-baked cookies filled the living room as I opened the front door. Haley’s and Zach’s pajamas were covered with flour and I didn’t even dare ask how many cookies they’d eaten. A plate full of Santa cookies sat on the counter along with my favorites, pecan balls. I set the flowers down on the table and unwrapped them before popping a pecan ball into my mouth, moaning as I chewed. “It’s Christmas!” I said.

  “Look,” Haley said, holding up a pan. “Peanut butter fudge! Nana says it’s your favorite.”

  “Did Nana also tell you it’s her favorite, too?”

  “Please tell me that you ate something else besides cookies and candy for dinner,” I said, popping another pecan ball into my mouth.

  “Shh,” Mom said, looking at Zach and Haley. “Our secret.”

  “Fine,” I said. “It’s time to brush your teeth and read stories.”

  “But we still haven’t watched Rudolph this year,” Haley said.

  I looked at my watch. It was nine o’clock but there was no way they were going to fall asleep knowing Nana, cookies, and candy were in the house. “All right. Brush your teeth and then run back out here for Rudolph.” They ran screaming through the hallway. I held up the pan of fudge. “You know this isn’t nearly enough peanut butter fudge, right?”

  I tucked Haley and Zach in his bed together a few minutes after Rudolph led Santa’s sleigh through the night skies. It was just before ten. “Two more sleeps until Christmas,” Haley said. “Will it matter to Santa if I’m sleeping in Zach’s bed?”

  Zach rolled his eyes. “There isn’t a Santa. We don’t even have a fireplace.”

  “No,” I said, giving him a look. “It doesn’t matter to Santa where you sleep. He’ll know you’re in here and will leave gifts for you.” I kissed her face and snuggled Brown Dog under her chin.

  “No, he won’t,” Zach said. I kissed his cheek and smiled.

  I grabbed a blanket and pillow out of the hall closet and put them on the couch. I’d sleep there so Mom and Richard could take my room. Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of tea with a pecan ball.

  I sat down across from her and picked up another cookie. “When were you going to tell me, Mom?” She looked up at me. “When were you going to tell me that Dennis was my father?”

  A tear fell down her cheek and she brushed it away. “When did you know?”

  “When you saw Betty’s face I knew something was wrong. Then at the mention of his name you looked like you were going to pass out.”

  “I never dreamed anything like this would ever—” She pressed a napkin into her eyes. “I was so afraid when you moved here with Brad that you would run into Dennis and somehow . . . I don’t know.”

  So that’s why she acted so angry when I moved here. “Does Betty know?” She shook her head. “Did he even know?”

  Tears fell down her face and she used the napkin to wipe them away. “No. He was so into drugs at that time that . . .” She trailed off. “Your grandparents absolutely hated him. They had caught us smoking marijuana together and I thought your grandfather would go to jail the way he threw Dennis off our property. When they found out I was pregnant they went ballistic. They didn’t need to because I knew. I wasn’t ready to be a mother but Dennis sure wasn’t ready for any sort of responsibility. He was sex and that’s all.” She was quiet and I knew it was more than she wanted to say. “Mom and I moved north and as soon as Dad found a job there he joined us. No one here ever knew.”

  “Did you ever want to tell him?”

  She shook her head. “Not the way he was. He wouldn’t have helped. He couldn’t help. He didn’t even have a job at the time. And I didn’t want to see him because I was afraid we’d just fall back into . . . well . . .”

  I couldn’t imagine the girl my mother was talking about. “Does Haley look like him?”

  She nodded. “Her eyes and nose, especially.”

  “Was he handsome?”

  “Too handsome for his own good,” she said. “Girls loved him and when the drugs took hold, watch out. He was invincible. He had too many girls.”

  “But you were his favorite,” I said, watching her. “Maybe he would have changed for you.”

  She shook her head. “He wasn’t ready.”

  “Do you hate him?”

  “No,” she said, swishing the napkin on the table in front of her. “I did for a long time. I wanted him to take as much responsibility as I did. I wanted him to grow up and do the right thing. For the longest time I thought he was the one who had it made. He could do whatever he wanted without any strings attached. He could go wherever he wanted without any obligation to anybody. But then you started to grow and I started hating him less because he wasn’t the one who had it made. I was. I had this beautiful little obligation that hung on my leg and lit up when I entered the room.” My eyes filled with tears at the sound of her voice. She wiped her face and twisted the napkin in her hands. “Before you came along I never felt a bursting sense of happiness when someone smiled at me or reached out for me. I never just sat and held a little life in my arms just because I loved the way it made me feel. I never knew what it was like to have my heart beat outside my body or feel it break with joy when someone came running to me to kiss a boo-boo. I never sat beside a crib and watched a tiny body breathe because that’s what I wanted to do more than anything else at that moment.” She looked up at me with wet, swollen eyes. “How could I hate him for that?” Her voice broke and I wiped a tear from my cheek. “I am so sorry, Christi
ne. I know you wanted to know who your father was but I never thought of him as a father but only a sperm donor. I was so afraid that he’d reject you because he never knew about you. I couldn’t bear that thought. I’m so sorry. Now it’s too late and . . .”

  I moved to the chair next to her and took her hand. “It’s not too late, Mom. I have a grandmother I never knew about who, as it turns out, is one of my favorite people on the planet.” She laughed and fell into me. For years I had wanted to know about this secret in the dark. I wanted to know what my father looked like, what he did for a living, which authors he read, what movies he watched, where he went for fun, and if he ever thought of me while doing any of those things. In all that time I never thought of my mother who held my hand while she moved through her life created by one heat-of-the-moment decision with stunning grace and courage. I assumed she held things from me like a child playing keep-away but never realized she was doing it for me, not against me. For far too long I didn’t realize that she was indeed holding secrets, the greatest and most beautiful secrets of sacrifice, love, and life in her hand. We cried together and talked until the early morning hours.

  Jason scrambled to keep up on the last day of shopping at Wilson’s. He saw Marshall only in passing but promised to drop by the house after he delivered the last of the packages for Glory’s Place.

  He jumped in Marshall’s car at six and held a local map on top of the steering wheel to find his way around. “Don’t you have a GPS?” he had asked Marshall.

  “Is that some kind of four-wheeler?” Marshall had responded.

  Jason chuckled again at the response and slowed down at a street sign. The first house was well lit and ready for Christmas with a small tree in the front window. He rang the bell and left the box of goods with a grateful mother of three. The next house was only four blocks away and after several knocks he left the box between the storm and front door. An apartment complex housed two families who would receive boxes. Four children scurried around his legs like squirrels in the first apartment that smelled like tortillas and frijoles. They clamored for the box and Jason laughed as they squealed at the sight of new toothbrushes and socks! Two floors down Jason knocked on a door and a small face peeked through the crack of the open door. “Hey!” The door flew open. “It’s you.”