So That Happened
Page 33
Some folks have asked me why I don’t talk about my children more in this book. Since many in the media have decided that my children no longer have a right to privacy simply because I appear on a television show, I’m trying to preserve what little of it they have left. But rest assured, they are genuinely mind-boggling and beautiful, and I love them very much.
I want to thank my mom for, well, everything but also for her exceptional recall. And Howie Deutch for his insight on one of my formative filmmaking experiences.
I’d like to thank Charlie Sheen for seven great years, and one pretty lousy one. I’d also like to thank Ashton Kutcher for both teaching me how to be fearless and for saving my job as well as those of a lot of my favorite people.
I want to thank every writer who ever worked on Two and a Half Men, and every member of the crew and, of course, Chuck Lorre And Lee Aronsohn for creating Alan Harper, a guy I grew to love dearly.
My managers, Connie Tavel and Vera Mihailovich, as well as my agent, Sarah Clossey, were instrumental in convincing me to write this book, and I hope their faith in me has been vindicated. I didn’t think I could do it. Or that anybody’d want me to. But I guess I was wrong. Thanks, ladies!
Lastly, I want to thank my wife, Lisa, for facilitating the enormous amount of time that I needed to work on this. Thanks, honey. I’ll try to return the favor when you write your book.
Wait. . . . Okay, I was mistaken, one more: I’d like to thank you, the reader, and express my hope that you’ve ended this experience feeling that your book-purchasing dollars were not misspent, and if you come away with anything at all from this volume, let it be this:
The subway improv was mine!
“Why, yes, I’d LOVE to discuss the latest episode of The Banana Splits!”
Thumb in mouth, check. Diaper on outside of pj’s? Check.
Me and my sister, Robin, during a momentary lull in hostilities.
All photos courtesy of the author unless otherwise noted.
My lovely mother, Gretchen, with her shy, retiring son.
By the age of three, I was almost 74 percent cheeks.
Me, my sister, Robin, and my dad circa 1968.
Well, I got one side brushed.
Almost there . . .
BAM! Stylin’!
The “Boys of Room 116” at Stagedoor Manor (left to right): David Quinn, me, Adam Warshofsky, and David Bache.
Courtesy of David Bache
I played “Perchik, the fiery revolutionary with the outrageously billowy white shirt,” in Stagedoor Manor’s production of Fiddler on the Roof.
Courtesy of Stagedoor Manor
The Cryer household for many years (from right to left): Shelly, me, mom, and Robin.
I’d like to say surrealist Luis Buñuel took our Fire Island Polaroids the summer I was seventeen, but I’d be lying. That’s my friend Anthony’s head in the sand. The park ranger? We never saw him again.
Pretty in Pink © Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
To this day, when Sarah Jessica Parker sees me, she asks me to remember to buy milk on the way home.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off © Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
David Dennis, me, and David’s brother Eric flanked by a chicken and a king. Don’t ask. Also refrain from inquiring about my shoulder pads.
Me and the cast of Brighton Beach Memoirs. That’s my dressing roommate, Anita Gillette, in the red coat in front, and yes, that is a sullen Elizabeth Perkins bottom right.
The cast of my first movie, O.C. and Stiggs, moments before we were pelted with bird shit. I’m behind Paul Dooley’s right shoulder, bracing for impact.
O.C. and Stiggs © Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved. Courtesy of MGM Media Licensing.
Actress Demi Moore hugs some kind of spindly man-child, oh wait, that’s me!
Globe Photos
Here’s a shot from my first screen test for No Small Affair. That’s Ellen Barkin I’m manhandling there. Or maybe she was manhandling me.
NO SMALL AFFAIR/Courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Globe Photos
I’m really hoping you can tell which is me and which is Molly Ringwald from The Facts of Life. What could possibly have been the cause of our lack of sexual chemistry?
Playing Duckie for John Hughes changed my life. He’s a freakin’ word in romcom terminology, for Christ’s sakes. RESPECT!
Pretty in Pink © Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
This production still was from the day we shot the original Pretty in Pink ending. The one that got boos. BOOS.
Pretty in Pink © Paramount Pictures Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
The production thought Duckie’s lip sync would only take a third of a shooting day. Ha! As you can see, at least they were considerate enough to ask about knee pads.
Yes, even Superman has a stand-in. While Christopher Reeve had long lost his enthusiasm for flying work, I looked for every excuse to hang out. Here’s a rehearsal for the shot where he drops me off at prison.
In this shot from the set of Superman IV, I asked Gene Hackman to pose like he’d never met me before. Mission accomplished, Mr. Hackman.
Here’s the phone that British Telecom installed as well as the cell phone that Gene Hackman lent me. Yes, I was frustrated enough with my phone to take a picture of it.
This actually happened: Gene Hackman and I were riding in an open-top roadster, and suddenly we got picked up by Superman and flown to prison.
Licensed by: Warner Bros. Home Entertainment. All rights reserved.
David Dennis, me, and Artie Martinez on the set of Superman IV.
Here’s David Dennis with a pile of British pounds while I was in London shooting Superman IV. This is the happiest he’s ever looked.
Jon Cryer, Catherine Mary Stuart, and a big blurry gun in this production still from Dudes.
I took this Polaroid with my goth friend Tiffany after the producers of Dudes had my hair dyed black to see if I could pass for a hard-core punk. They hired me anyway.
Shooting Dudes in the desert with Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Dan Roebuck.
Carnal Knowledge made the cover of Theater Week. Who wouldn’t want to see a play starring this group of glowering hipsters?
Here actor Ben Daniels welcomes me to London theater in the Old Vic production of 900 Oneonta.
© Henrietta Butler/ArenaPAL
Here are me, David Beaird, author of 900 Oneonta, and his assistant/girlfriend, Shevonne, moments after David had read reviews comparing him to several of the twentieth century’s great playwrights. You’d have that look on your face too.
Who’s that guy in the background of this production still from HOT SHOTS!?
HOT SHOTS! © 1991 Twentieth Century Fox. All rights reserved.
Revelation 2:27 “And be ye warned: The fourth sign of the apocalypse shall be Jon Cryer on the cover of Jet Magazine.”
GETTING PERSONAL © 1998 Twentieth Century Fox Television. All rights reserved.
While at the Cannes Film Festival with The Pompatus of Love, I managed to convince the French Air Force to strafe the beach to promote the film.
AP Photo/Rhonda Birndorf
Conductor Paul Gemigniani, Martha Plimpton, Neil Patrick Harris, and I screw up entertainingly during rehearsals for Company at Lincoln Center.
Photo by Chris Lee
The cast of Company performs “Side by Side by Side” (left to right): Jim Walton, Patti LuPone, me, Jennifer Laura Thompson, Aaron Lazar, Katie Finneran, Craig Bierko, Jill Paice, Stephen Colbert, Martha Plimpton, and Neil Patrick Harris.
Joseph Marzullo/WENN.com
We rehearsed Company at Pearl Studios in midtown, a pl
ace brimming with theatrical energy and invention but not air-conditioning.
Photo by Jill Paice
America’s favorite fake right-wing blowhard and I shared a tiny dressing room and many scantily clad, intimate moments because of it.
Two and a Half Men first aired in the fall of 2003 and was an instant hit, something I’d never experienced before.
Licensed by: Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Perhaps the show owed its phenomenal success to the low-key, understated marketing campaign.
Lisa, me, Charlie Sheen, and Brooke Mueller—just a pair of young newlywed couples.
Here’s Chuck Lorre handing me the slate after I directed an episode of Two and a Half Men for the first time. They don’t give me flowers anymore.
For seven years Two and a Half Men was more fun than any of us had any right to expect. Then it got interesting. . . .
The cast of Two and a Half Men 2.0 backstage at Carnegie Hall moments before we were introduced for the first time.
Photo by Ashton Kutcher
My wife, Lisa, and I were married in June 2007, after which we commenced filling our days by running places while holding hands and smiling. That’s what being married is, right?
My wife, Lisa, my son, Charlie, and my daughter, Daisy.
Photos by Matt Beard Photography
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