“It’s what I do!” he snapped, knowing she was right. “You knew when I married you what I did for a living.”
“Yes, I did. But I never expected we’d live separate lives. This isn’t just about us, Ben. You’re worried about the baby? So am I. You said you want to be a full-time dad. How can you do that if you’re never home? How can you do that if you only have limited time to give? How can we have any kind of relationship when all we do is have sex, then go our separate ways? I’m not sure why you’re worried I’ll go to Africa or why you even care. I want this baby to be more than a responsibility. I want to be more than a responsibility, more than a release for your stressful day.”
There were tears in her eyes now as she concluded, “Maybe we should rethink our marriage. Maybe we should rethink what’s really best for both of us and the baby.”
Ben’s past disappointments with women took over. As he did before, he wrapped himself in pride and let nothing show. “If that’s what you want,” he responded, his voice as even as he could make it.
The bell in Sierra’s shop dinged and then dinged again. Ben knew he should say more. Do more. But at the moment he didn’t know what that was. At the moment he was full of conflict and had to sort it all out. He did take his responsibilities seriously. But Sierra sounded as if that wasn’t good enough for her.
He couldn’t figure it out standing here, desiring her yet knowing their marriage was a mess. Knowing he was mostly to blame. “I’ll let you get back to your customers.”
“Ben—”
He held up his hand. “Maybe we both do have to rethink what we’ve gotten ourselves into. I’ll call you this weekend, after we’ve both had time to think about it.”
Then before the disappointment and yearning he was feeling got any worse, he left Sierra and her shop, headed for a house that used to be called home, but that now only seemed empty without Sierra in it. He had a bottle of tequila there that he’d never opened. Tonight he needed to empty his head. Then maybe tomorrow he could figure out what came next.
Sierra was in her shop on Friday afternoon and heard the news on the radio. The verdict was in—Charlie Levsin was guilty on all counts. She wanted to cheer, knowing what a victory this was for Ben. She also wanted to cheer because now it was all over.
Except…
She didn’t know if she and Ben had a marriage. She didn’t know if he wanted a marriage. She didn’t know if he could ever trust her enough to believe in a marriage.
She’d spent last night crying because she never should have said they should rethink their marriage. Today she knew what she had to do. She loved Ben Barclay with all her heart and she had to tell him that, even if he didn’t believe her. She had to tell him that no matter what, she was here for keeps. Eventually, maybe one day, he would believe he could count on her. He would believe she loved him. He would believe they were meant to be together.
Olivia had recovered from her illness and she was back today. She had two women covering the shop and that would just have to be enough, because she was going to track Ben down, throw her arms around him and convince him that this Christmas was going to be a happy one.
Fifteen minutes later, she stood in front of the building where the D.A.’s office was located. She stopped at the tall brick pillar with the eagle on top, studying it, absorbing what it meant. Freedom, maybe? There were all kinds of freedom, but freedom to love and believe in the future were the most important.
Dave stepped up beside her. “Maybe after today you won’t need a chauffeur anymore.”
“Tired of babysitting?” she joked.
“No, ma’am. I just meant that after today maybe you’d have your life back.”
“I hope so,” she confessed fervently. If she could see Ben, convince him that she loved him, everything would be fine, no matter what else happened.
Dave opened the glass door for her and they stepped inside the building. She hurried over to the receptionist’s desk.
“I’m Mrs. Barclay,” she said with a smile, taking out her driver’s license for identification.
The receptionist checked Sierra’s ID. “Mrs. Barclay! It’s good to meet you. Congratulations on your marriage.”
Sierra knew word traveled quickly in workplaces. “Thank you. Is Ben in his office?”
“No. In fact, you just missed him. He’s probably in the parking lot. He had a meeting somewhere.”
She and Dave had parked on the street. That’s why they hadn’t seen Ben. Now she tossed a thanks over her shoulder and, not waiting for Dave, hurried out the door and ran across the parking lot.
She spotted Ben at the far corner, behind his SUV. “Ben,” she called.
He recognized her and she thought everything was going to be all right. She’d found him. She’d convince him she loved him. But then a man in torn jeans and a scruffy leather jacket appeared from the side of the car parked next to Ben’s, and Sierra saw what he had in his hand—a gun.
She didn’t think, not for a second. She just began running toward her husband.
“Sierra, don’t!” Ben shouted because he’d seen the man, too.
She stopped, realizing she wasn’t only putting herself in danger, but their baby, too. Yet she had to help the man she loved! She couldn’t lose him. If only she could distract Levsin to give Ben a chance…She pointed behind Levsin and yelled the first name that came to her mind. “Over there,” she shouted. “Miguel’s coming.”
As Levsin glanced over his shoulder, the man’s momentary distraction gave Ben the opportunity he needed. Ready, his leg came up in some kind of martial arts move and he kicked at Levsin’s midsection, apparently hoping to drop him to his knees. But although Levsin doubled over now because of the blow, he managed to hold on to his weapon. He aimed and fired.
“That’s for my brother,” he yelled as Dave appeared behind him and captured him in a choke hold until he released his gun. Another officer appeared from somewhere and helped, handcuffs ready.
Sierra ran to Ben’s side, fell to her knees and saw the blood staining his white shirt. She couldn’t lose him. She couldn’t lose him.
Without thinking, she took off her own jacket and pressed it to the wound. “Hold on, Ben. Hold on.” Tears came to her eyes and ran down her cheeks. The cold wind burned her face, but her gaze stayed on her husband’s. “I love you, Ben. I love you. You can’t die. You can’t. Hold on.”
All at once it seemed as if there were people everywhere—men in suits, police officers, bystanders. Then she heard the sirens and she prayed the ambulance would get here in time.
Ben tried to say something, but his eyes closed again and Sierra was afraid her love wasn’t enough to keep him alive.
Ben’s eyelids were so very, very heavy. He was swimming through some kind of fog, and his thoughts were slow in coming. They floated around him and he couldn’t grasp them. Pictures came to him before words. All of them were pictures of Sierra—her beautiful face, her huge blue eyes, her wavy hair.
He saw her…then she was gone.
No! Don’t go.
Had he ever told her not to go? Had he ever told her he wanted her to stay? Had he ever told her…
The image of her smiling face gave way to another. She was scared…so very scared. But even more determined than scared. He’d read that as she’d run toward him…toward him. He’d seen the moment she’d been aware of their baby’s safety, too. Still, she’d found a way to help him. He’d been so reluctant to trust her. He’d tried to avoid disappointment…and hurt…and pain. But being separated from Sierra was painful. At that moment in the parking lot when he’d yelled for her not to get too close to him and she’d found a way that had saved them both, he’d known that he could trust her. Sierra was an unselfish woman who knew how to commit. He’d known she’d stay. He’d known he loved her in a way he’d never loved before.
He had to tell her so she’d know. He had to tell her so she wouldn’t give up on him.
The fog sucked him back in again. Th
e fog threatened to make him forget everything.
But he wouldn’t. He loved Sierra. He would tell her as soon as he could make his lips move and his eyes open.
It was almost 2:00 a.m. when Sierra was allowed into Ben’s room to sit by his bed until he awakened. His liver had been damaged, but he was going to be okay. He was going to live. The surgery had taken almost three hours and she’d held on to hope with both hands, praying every minute of that time.
Now she pulled her chair close beside him and took the hand that was free of the IV line into hers. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there. The monitors beeped, nurses came and went and she held on to him, just as she was going to do for the rest of her life.
Finally, Ben’s eyelids fluttered open and his gray gaze focused on hers. After licking dry lips, his voice was smoky and gruff as he managed to say, “You saved us. Why did you come to the D.A.’s office? Why were you there?”
She squeezed his hand tighter, saying the words overflowing her heart. “To see you. Because I love you and had to tell you. Because I should have told you a lot sooner. Because you’re my husband and I intend to stand by you no matter what we have to face.” Tears trickled down her cheeks.
Ben slipped his hand from hers and caught a tear with his thumb. “I’ve been such an idiot,” he said, his voice gravelly and slow. “Do you know what you did out there today?”
“What?”
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, then opened them again. “You made me realize what a fool I was, being afraid to trust you, being afraid to believe in us. I’ve been fighting hard against everything I feel. I’ve been calling it every name but what it was.”
“What is it?” she whispered, her breath catching.
“I love you, Sierra Barclay.” His voice was still hoarse, but it was strong. “Not because of the baby, not because of responsibility, not because anytime I’m with you I want to take you to bed. I’ve been afraid to let my guard down, afraid to feel anything for you. But I do. A whole world of feeling. I never guessed one person could mean so much to me. Have I ruined our chances by being blind and stubborn? Can you forgive me for doubting you?”
Sierra leaned close to him, rubbed her cheek against his, over his beard stubble. “I love you, Ben, and there’s nothing to forgive. I should have gotten past my insecurities and told you I loved you sooner.”
“You can tell me now, and every hour for the rest of our lives.” Ben opened his arm to her. “Crawl in here with me.”
She loved this man so. She’d almost lost him. She wouldn’t deny him anything. Carefully, so as not to jostle him, she slid into bed beside him and laid her head on his shoulder. “What are we going to do when the nurses come in?”
“I’ll tell them to go away or I’ll have somebody arrest them.”
She laughed, and it felt so good.
He added, “I’ll also tell them that I need you by my side to recover. They’ll understand. I love you so much, Sierra, that I’ll spend every day proving it so you’ll never doubt it. I promise you that. I promise you that I’m going to make some changes, and be a good husband and a good father.”
She had no doubt that Ben would keep his word. He was a man of integrity and she would love him forever and beyond.
Ben’s arm squeezed her tight against him as she lifted her lips for his kiss.
Epilogue
Sierra walked down the candlelit church aisle, looking like a princess. Ben wanted to run to her, scoop her up into his arms and carry her to the altar with him, where they were going to renew their vows. They were getting married all over again, with Sierra’s parents, her aunt, all of his family witnessing the ceremony along with Camille and Miguel.
Sierra beamed at him as she took one step after another, still graceful, even six months pregnant. Her cream gown, with its long sleeves and empire waist, was beaded with tiny pearls. A lace mantilla was attached to a pearl headband that nestled in her dark brown hair. She wasn’t looking anywhere but at him.
When she reached him, he took her hands, kissed first one and then the other.
“I’m so happy I could burst,” she whispered in his ear. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me each day how much I mean to you.”
“You’re my life, Sierra. You and the baby.”
That fateful day in the parking lot, Ben had realized what true love was. He’d understood Sierra loved him and he loved her. Trust was part of the package.
Since then their lives had changed drastically. His recovery had taken six weeks. He and Sierra had done a lot of talking, a lot of thinking and a lot of dreaming during that time. He’d decided to resign as assistant district attorney and take the position as head counsel in the firm that would be helping first-time offenders. He saw it as a positive step, as a way to help kids turn in the right direction, as a way to keep them from ever stepping into the courtroom as defendants. Lois was the firm’s PR person, but she was engaged now. He’d delegated another member of the team to work on public relations with her. Sierra had told him she trusted him and he believed her. But he also didn’t want to give his wife any reason to be upset…any reason at all. She understood his work with kids and was a great sounding board when he wanted to bounce ideas around.
The priest’s voice brought Ben back to the here and now as he began the ceremony, welcoming everyone. Corrie and Sam’s baby gurgled and gave a little cry, as if she was delighted to be there. Sam’s arm circled Corrie’s shoulders as he gazed down at his child. Nathan, Kyle and Sara sat in the pew beside them, while Val and his dad, married now, looked on from behind. Sierra’s parents and aunt were seated on the other side of the church. The two families had come together last night for dinner and had gotten along well. His dad admired the work Sierra’s parents did. Her parents marveled at how he’d raised three sons alone. And her aunt Gina? Ever since she’d come to see him in the hospital after the shooting, she’d become more friendly. In fact, last night she’d given him a hug and thanked him for making Sierra so happy.
Ben’s attention focused on his wife once more. He held her hand as they listened to the reading about unconditional love.
When the priest nodded to them to say their vows, Ben looked deeply into Sierra’s eyes and spoke from his heart. “You are the love of my life. I can’t imagine it without you. We started our journey a little differently from most, but I think that has given us even more of an appreciation for each other. I will always love you, care for you, respect you and take your needs into consideration, as well as our baby’s. I will be the best husband and father I can possibly be. I will cherish each day with you, good or bad, praying we have at least seventy years to make each other happy. I love you, my darling, and I will never, ever take that love for granted.”
Sierra’s eyes were shiny with emotion as she smiled at him and then began her vows. “You are my home, Ben. I will go where you go and stand beside you every single day. You are my husband, my partner, my helpmate, but most of all, my best friend. I never had such a sense of belonging as I have with you. I feel safe, loved and oh so cherished. When our baby’s born, I will do everything in my power to teach him or her to be a man or woman of integrity just as you are. I can’t wait for our baby to be born. I promise to be the best mother I can learn to be. I love you, Ben, and for the rest of our lives I will be so grateful we found each other. I vow to make your goals and needs as important as mine, to always respect your beliefs, to understand your ups and downs and everything in between. I promise to love you forever.”
Ben’s throat was tight, his heart was beating hard, and he knew he’d remember this moment for as long as he lived.
After the priest spoke, then waited for them to exchange rings, Ben surprised Sierra with a diamond surrounded by turquoise in addition to her wedding band. When she saw it, she gasped and tears slipped down her cheeks. Ben wanted to surprise her again and again and see her radiant smile.
The ceremony seemed to be over in the blink of an eye. After the priest�
��s blessing, Ben guided Sierra down the aisle, his arm around her. In the vestibule, he could no longer wait to kiss her.
With his lips melded to hers, their passion escalated as it always did. They’d be driving to a cabin near Taos for their honeymoon and he couldn’t wait to get there. Sierra’s hands were in his hair as he held her tight, kissed her deeper and longed for the union they experienced each time they made love.
Suddenly, there was the sound of applause and laughter. Ben heard his father’s voice. “You’d better slow down or you’re going to run out of steam.”
He heard Nathan say to Sara, “Maybe we should renew our vows.”
Sam cleared his throat loudly, then commented, “You’re acting as if you haven’t already been married for three months.”
Still holding Sierra, Ben let his lips linger for a moment, then he broke their kiss and leaned away. “I can always count on my family to put in their two cents.”
“Five cents,” Sara suggested.
“Gotta keep up with the times,” Corrie agreed.
Camille and Miguel hugged them, congratulating them along with the others.
Finally, Sierra turned toward her parents, her expression unsure, not knowing what to expect. However, her mother, father and aunt came toward her and Ben and hugged them both.
Sierra’s mother, who looked very much like an older version of her daughter, gave Ben’s arm a squeeze. “We didn’t know what to think after she married you so fast. But over the past few months, we’ve seen how you love each other. Congratulations!”
Sierra’s dad clasped Ben’s shoulder. “We won’t worry with you watching over her and the baby.”
“Children grow up so fast,” Sierra said. “I’ll send you pictures, of course, but I hope you can really get to know your grandchild.”
Sierra’s mom smiled at her. “Your father and I have been talking about that. We’ve been offered positions at the university in the fall. We’re seriously considering taking them.”
The Daddy Verdict Page 17
