Don't Blame Me

by Kay Blake

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  “Well, yeah. You are an eligible bachelor. Can’t be caught being attached right? Wouldn’t that be bad for the admirers?”

  “You and I know that neither one of us cares too much about that.”

  “You and I also both know why it isn’t a good idea,” she said, her voice raised a little higher than before.

  “Maybe I do. But if you’re telling me you still don’t feel something between the two of us, then I would say that you’re lying. It seems easier now doesn’t it? Not all the drama and pain we caused each other.”

  “Each other?”

  “You don’t think you caused me any pain?”

  “No, I don’t. And if I did, you definitely caused me more pain than I caused you,” she said rolling her eyes. She stood then, putting her things angrily in her bag. Yes, I knew we broke up on bad terms, but the way she looked at me told me it still bothered her just as much as it did when it all went to shit.

  “You have no freaking idea. None. You come back into my life because the universe seems to know the ending to this joke. Everything back then…and then you have the audacity to act like you don’t understand why I’m saying these things. Like really? You can’t possibly be that damn oblivious.”

  “I get it. We didn’t have it the way you wanted back then, but that was 12 years ago,” I said my voice now a bit raised as well.

  I watched her mouth open and close. As if she wanted to say something, but couldn’t get the words out.

  “Like I said, you have no fucking idea. You never did. Not then. And not now. And here you seem to think that because I’m doing my job, it changes all of that crap from before. It doesn’t.”

  Stepping closer to her, I could smell her lotion, and what she used in her hair. Her eyes wide, but there was a storm brewing there.

  “So, tell me what it is I don’t have any idea about.”

  “You have no idea how much pain you caused me. The day all that happened, and you said all those things, they were all seared into my memory. Your parents, and the…”

  “The what?”

  “Nothing. It doesn’t matter. All I’d be doing is opening up old wounds. And since I have to work with you right now, it wouldn’t be wise.”

  I wanted to touch her face. Hold her in my arms then. Even with her angry, I wanted her so bad. Wanted to feel her lips again, wondered if they tasted the same. She was the only person who could ever make me feel this way, and I closed the small space between us until I was right in her face. There was always a bit of her pulling away even when we were in college, but I wasn’t going to let that slide this time.

  “Is it fair to compare who had the most pain?” I asked.

  “No. I guess it’s not.” She sighed.

  “If it helps, you can tell me. Maybe then we can really start fresh,” I said with a twinge of hope.

  “I will eventually. Right now, I can’t. I…I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that kind of emotion right now.” She stood up then, seeming anxious to get away from me.

  “I still would like to have dinner with you,” I said.

  “And I still don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “It is just dinner, Leah.”

  “Is it?”

  “If that is what you want, yes. I won’t make you do anything that you truly didn’t want to do. We can eat and talk. No strings.”

  I touched her face then. I couldn’t help myself. I ran my fingers down her face, and I could hear her breath almost stop. She trembled a bit in my arms, and I leaned in to kiss her, but she put her hand on my chest stopping me.

  “Fine. What time?” she said, backing up.

  “How’s eight?”

  “Sure. I’ll see you at eight.”

  “Just email me your address and I’ll send a car for you.”

  “You know I could meet you there.”

  “I will send a car. No ifs, ands or buts. I swear no funny business.”

  “I’m going to hold you to that.”

  My phone vibrated on the table, and I groaned inwardly.

  “Until later Leah, my belle,” I said with a wink.

  “Until then,” she said softly a sad smile on her face.

  I walked out of her office, heading down to the car that I knew was waiting for me with my father in it. And even he couldn’t ruin the smile I had on my face.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Leah

  I finished the final touches on my article that was due and sent it to the assistant managing editor of the magazine. Mel was a stickler for deadlines, as she said she ran her editorial ship in tip-top shape. I wasn’t about to be on her bad side for a missed deadline. I’ve seen it before and it wasn’t pretty. Besides, I had other things to do and I was thankful today was an early day.

  I was going to get my hair styled and nails done as it was a normal ritual of mine that allowed me to feel good and pamper myself. It might have seemed pretty minimal to other women, but for me, it was something that was well needed. It was something that made me feel complete when it came to life’s little pleasures. And since I now had a date to go to, I guess it all made sense.

  Grabbing my bag, I set up for an Uber and made my way past Dana’s office.

  “Dana, I’m leaving for the day. Just text or email if something important comes up,” I said.

  “Sure. How did the interview go?”

  “It went well. Adrian…he was fine. Answered everything with no objections.”

  “Good,” she said. “Was it as hard as you thought it would be?”

  “Yes and No. I don’t know. Not really. But he talked me into having dinner with him.”

  “Talked you into? You aren’t usually one for being talked into anything.”

  “Says the person who talked me into doing this in the first place.”

  “That’s different.”

  “If you say so. But I don’t know. He kept pushing the issue, so I agreed. Maybe if we talk or something, the whole thing with him won’t feel so unfinished. Maybe then I could really move on from all of it.” I shook my head. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. It’s dinner. Nothing more.”

  Dana laughed. “And now it is my turn to say if you say so, Leah. See you tomorrow. Have fun.”

  “Sure thing.”

  I made my way to the Uber and waited as he set the GPS to my salon. Taking out my phone, I texted the address to Adrian. I found myself worrying about my appearance and what we would talk about. I had hoped he would keep the past where it belonged. We weren’t going to do anything. I knew that, but still a girl wondered.

  Once I made it to the salon, I told my usual stylist to put some curls in my head and make it look snazzy.

  Two hours later, my hair was done and I looked great. I asked the stylist to pin my curls up so I can let them loose later on. After that, I made my way to the salon next door to get a mani and pedi. This time I would even change up the color a little to spruce things up. I didn’t know who this woman was. I wasn’t a woman who did anything for anyone but myself, and yet Adrian comes strolling back to New York and it hit me that maybe I was doing some of the things I normally do differently for him.

  There was a part of me that thought he looked damn good in a suit, but then the other part of me wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t that same person from back then. He didn’t have the power over me that he did before. Sure, it was only dinner, but I wanted to show him what he gave up that day all those years ago. I was different now. Stronger. I knew I was.

  But then even as he gave those answers to those questions, I found his presence to be a bit much. It was always a bit much. Too much for everything. Especially me. I didn’t need to get consumed with him again. I did that before and I didn’t want to repeat that same song and dance.

  After my fingers and toes were painted in a pretty pink, I decided to head home and shower. I covered my hair so it wouldn’t get too messy and then find something to wear. Once I was done with my sh
ower, I stood in front of my floor length mirror looking at how much my body had changed. I was still a bit on the slim side, but thicker in places I wasn’t in college. I grabbed my favorite lotion and rubbed it over my body, my mind wandering to Adrian. Picturing his strong hands rubbing the lotion on me. My insides quenched. I shook my head, trying to rid myself of any images of Adrian and me. The one thing I didn’t need was to dredge that up no matter how good that part of our short-lived relationship was.

  I decided on a tight black dress and a shawl to cover my shoulders. I received a text from Adrian that the car was waiting for me downstairs. Once I reached downstairs, I realized that it was a limo and not a car.

  He was showing off.

  I wasn’t complaining, but a limo wasn’t necessary. The driver drove down the streets of Manhattan and as expected, the traffic was horrendous. I shot Adrian a quick text and put my phone back in my purse closing my eyes. I was tired. Already it was a long week, and for me, my week wasn’t over. I still had work to do to finish this article about Adrian and then I would go back to my research for another piece I was doing.

  Almost 40 minutes later, the driver pulled up to the back of a restaurant by the water. The driver got out of his car and opened the door for me.

  “Thank you,” I said absent-mindedly surprised how beautiful this place was. This seemed much more than a simple dinner date. As I walked up to the door, it opened and there was Adrian in his very best suit, smiling at me. I was astounded, at how good he looked. Really good. He was wearing a navy blue suit, with a white shirt, no tie. The top two buttons were open on his dress shirt, and his suit blazer was open. His long hair once again tied up. He came to me, his hand extended. I took his hand and he led me into the restaurant. I could see that we had the restaurant absolutely to ourselves and I was pleasantly surprised.

  Once we reached the table, he pulled out my chair. He lightly grabbed my arm to stop me from sitting.

  “Leah, you look amazing. Like wow. Or rather damn!” he said with a smile twirling me around to check out my body in the dress.

  “You think so?” I said, surprised that came out of my mouth. It reminded me of how I was with him in college. The Leah, who always wanted to outshine all the other girls who wanted his attention.

  “I know so.”

  “Thanks. You look really nice yourself. Really nice.”

  “Just nice?”

  “You look good, Adrian. But I’m sure you know that.”

  “No. I don’t. Or rather I just want one person to think about how good I look. I’m honestly surprised that you didn’t change your mind. I thought you would’ve thought it over and decide to not come.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “Earlier you were upset. I know how you can be sometimes with holding a grudge.”

  I laughed at that. “That is partially true, but, Adrian, I’m fine. We’re good. Thanks for asking me to dinner.”

  He let me sit down, and pushed my chair in. For a moment I felt he was two different guys. Sometimes he was super egotistical in college. It damn near came out of his pores, but then other times when he wanted to make things special, he did. Now, it seemed he was only the guy trying to make a good impression. His ego seemed to be a thing of the past. He was more mature now. Maybe it was because we were both older than we were then. But I liked it. I wasn’t going to complain.

  “This is a nice place. I don’t know why I’ve never heard of it before.”

  “My dad owns it and the view is magnificent.”

  I fought back any of the negative things that came to mind about his dad. Instead, I said nothing at all.

  I glanced in his direction and saw exactly what he was talking about. Our tables faced the water and the city outline. It was absolutely breathtaking and I gasped.

  “This is beautiful,” I said.

  “It is. Though it isn’t as beautiful as you.”

  “Oh? Is that one of your pickup lines” I said my brow raised.

  “No. I wish I could say that it was, or rather I would say something a lot better if I used a pickup line. But it is true. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered softly.

  There were so many things that I wanted to say. So many things that I wished I could’ve said before. But I didn’t. I didn’t think he needed to know now anyway. It didn’t matter at the moment. I studied his face. It matured. His goatee. His body. I realized there was a part of me that held on and that was why I was so angry about doing all of this. In all the time that had passed, I hadn’t moved on. Not really.

  “What’s on your mind?”

  “Nothing much. My mind’s always busy.” And that was true.

  “I would say I believe you if I didn’t know you. But I do. You wear all of your emotions on your sleeve. And from the far-off expression you have on your face right now, I would bet that I’m right. You’re thinking about something.”

  “It isn’t important.”

  “I don’t buy it.”

  “You don’t have to. It really isn’t important. Just a simple revelation,” I said with a shrug.

  “Is it about me?”

  “Yes.”

  “What about me?”

  You still do things to me that I wish you didn’t. I may even still love you.

  “I’m telling you, it isn’t serious. You just seem all grown up now.” I said instead.

  He grinned widely at that. “Is that a bad thing?”

  “Of course not. Don’t be silly. We all have to grow up sometime.”

  “So our chef is making us herb chicken, roasted potatoes, grilled vegetables, and other fixings. I hope that’s okay with you?”

  “Still trying to take charge I see.”

  “Well, it’s more of a habit now. You know running the hotels and stuff.”

  “Except, you were always that way. Trying to put your foot down and what not. Like I was just supposed to do whatever you said because you were Adrian Kai Mahina Robinson. Superstar football player in the making,” I said jokingly.

  He chuckled. “I mean I was one, in college at least. I admit some of that was because I was used to getting my way and getting what I want. And then I wanted you. You were stubborn in college. Stubborn as hell. And I see you as a challenge. I never turn down a good challenge.”

  I cocked my head slightly to the side. “You say that in present tense?”

  “That’s because even now, 12 years later, you’re still a challenge. You’re stubborn, but I like that. But I’m sure someone as inquisitive as you are would know that. You probably know more about me than I think you do.”

  “Any particular reason you believe that?” I asked.

  “You’re a reporter. It would be strange for you not to.”

  I thought about what he said and he was right and wrong at the same time. True, I was a reporter and when I needed to find out something about someone, I did whatever I could until I did find that out, but with him, I tried hard to keep distance. I made sure I didn’t look him up. I didn’t want to know what he was doing or who was he doing it with. Nothing.

  “Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I don’t know much about you and your life now outside of what I found out from my research for this article, and what I knew before. It was much too painful to follow along with what your life was. I didn’t want to seem stuck. Though now that I think about it, I’m quite sure that I’m pretty stuck because I didn’t even want to see you at first. I don’t know what it is with you, but it was hard to pull myself away from you. And when I finally did, and things seemed like okay. I finally was able to tell myself that I got this, and then here you come back in my life because of my job. I mean, what are you supposed to do when that kind of thing happens?”

  He was quiet for a moment as if he was thinking and then he reached over to grab my hand. “I would say that maybe fate has led me back to you because that is where I belong. Fate wants us together.
”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. He almost told me what he was thinking, but I didn’t know what to say. So, instead, I said nothing.

  Our food was bought and we ate in silence. My mind was elsewhere, but it didn’t stop me from sneaking looks at him. I pretended to be interested in the view, but that wasn’t the case. He was just so damn sexy. He went from the boy with the slightly long hair in a football jersey to the man that knew how to fill the hell out of a suit. We finished and I sipped my wine slowly wanting to make sure I had a clear head.

  “Come with me,” he said. He held out his hand for me to grab.

  Instead of me arguing some point that wasn’t necessary at the moment, I obliged him. We made our way to the balcony that separated us from the water. It was a gorgeous view. The city’s skyline and the clear sky. It was almost picture perfect. He held my hand and I didn’t pull away. I was so conflicted. My head was telling me to leave the past where it belonged, but my heart was telling me there was something unfinished there. Something I had to do. We had to do. But how do I do that when there was so the one thing he didn’t know?

  “You know I thought of nothing for years but you. Your smile. Your eyes. Your beautiful body. The quirks and even when you were upset with me. I felt like when you left me, you moved on without me and without ever thinking it would be different. But even though I know a good part of everything had to do with the fact that I was an asshole back then, I still hoped.”

  “And now?”

  “Ever since I found out that I would be able to see you again, I have been patiently waiting to get you alone. Get you alone and profess my feelings. Rather, what I’ve been feeling this whole time. Tell you that what you said to me that day was true. I never forgot you. It was hard. No matter whoever came into my life, it was always you I thought of.”

  He gripped the railing of the balcony, his voice firm.

  “We both have jobs to do. I know that. But it doesn’t change what I feel. What I want with you.”

  We stood side by side looking out at the water, which was peaceful, unlike my thoughts. I could sense that even though we stood next to each other, he was watching me.