Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish

by Andrew Buckley

  Gerald and Celina turned to run away, Death stood his ground, Eggnog executed some form of the Can-Can and Nigel wasn't sure what to do, although two seconds later it didn't matter if he was doing anything or not as his entire world suddenly stopped moving.

  A couple of miles away, in Nigel's apartment, Jeremiah's mind swam with so much information that the walls of his little castle looked like they were about to close in on him. All of a sudden, Jeremiah reached the realization that he knew exactly where to send the information and flung it all out of his head with such force that the window of Nigel's apartment shattered completely and a small crack appeared in Jeremiah's bowl. And then the information was gone.

  Jeremiah wiggled his fishy little tail and swam to the top of his bowl and blew a few bubbles, completely content and totally oblivious to the events taking place at Majestic Technologies.

  Nigel's last thought, which had been maybe I should turn and run, hung in his mind only for a moment as his brain was suddenly assaulted with a pile of information that made the corridor shake ever so slightly.

  Time seemed to slow down; the only thing removed from the whole situation was Death, who leaned against the corridor wall grinning at Nigel. Behind Nigel, Gerald and Celina were running in super slow motion.

  "Don’t worry," said Death. "I’m good at this time control thing."

  In front of him the elves, their little faces contorted with sheer rage, charged forward with extreme slowness. The information in Nigel's head was muddled, confusing, and yet completely understandable. The sheer amount of it blinded his mind's eye and made his head feel like a large construction crane had just landed on top of it, and yet, it had a sense of familiarity to it. He had the distinct feeling that he'd been drinking all night and woken up with the worst hangover ever, but he was happy about it because the severe pain in his head let him know that he was still alive and not dead from alcohol poisoning.

  Everything happened in a split second, even though it felt like an eternity to Nigel. The first thing he realized was that the information he received was nothing but numbers,1's and 0's. The second thing he realized was that he knew what the numbers meant and knew what to do with them.

  Doubt suddenly clouded his vision; he had no power, it was gone. As quickly as he'd received the gift, the disaster in a mini-skirt stole it from him, leaving his perfect moment crushed and his state of mind shattered.

  Death, who had been happy to lean up against the wall, walked toward Nigel at a regular and normal speed; the elves were getting a little bit closer but not fast enough to worry about. Death placed a comforting hand on Nigel's shoulder and looked him in the eye.

  "Nigel, I realize that getting your head around what you're meant to do might be a little difficult. I especially have no idea how you're going to pull it off."

  Celina and Gerald stopped running in slow motion and instead, turned around in slow motion to see what kept Nigel and Death. Eggnog slowly kicked his little legs high in the air.

  "You see, everything happens for a reason. We're all here because we were meant to be here. The Devil has possessed a cat because if he didn't, then we wouldn't be here. Years ago, you had an extraordinary gift, one that you attributed to having some sort of a perfect moment. Heinrich told me to give you two messages. They're simple ones, and I don't think you could handle anything more complicated in your current state. Firstly, he said to tell you to stop thinking so much, you know how to do whatever it is you have to do, so don't think about it, just do it. Now, I realize that all sounds like a bad sportswear commercial, but Heinrich is rarely wrong."

  "And the second?" asked Nigel.

  "The fiery redhead, the one with the temper."

  "Celina?"

  "Yes, that one. You're destined to end up together. Heinrich thought it might break down the nervousness if you already knew it." Death patted Nigel's shoulder and went back to stand against the wall. "In a moment, I'm going to restore time to its normal state, ready?"

  Nigel thought about Heinrich's words, thought about his doubt, thought about the information in his head, glanced at Celina with a slightly whimsical smile, nodded to Death, straightened his tie, stuck his hands in his pockets, and then stopped thinking entirely because that's what he knew he had to do.

  Celina had always had a ridiculous fear of little people, but now her fear, fully realized, lay directly in front of her. Turning and running was the first instinctive thought that entered her mind. She turned, leaped over Eggnog, who was doing some kind of a French dance, and was about to sprint down the hallway when she realized that Gerald was the only one following her. She looked back to see what happened but saw nothing, as the entire hallway filled with a blinding light that threw her backward, landing painfully on her posterior.

  The walls shook slightly, the light spots in front of her eyes cleared, and she looked up to see Nigel standing calmly in the middle of the hallway and some guy in a black robe that she sort of recognized standing against the wall with a big grin on his face. Celina leaned to the side to see where the elves had gone and realized that they weren't gone at all.

  They were still in the hallway, but they weren't charging anymore, they didn't even look deranged anymore.

  Instead, they were all dancing in perfect unison.

  7m18s

  Thirty-Four.

  The lemon battery was practically complete. Each lemon had a piece of copper and a paper clip inserted into it, every lemon connected to another lemon. An elf stood on either side of the lifeless Santa Claus. Each held an end of the wire hooked up to the ridiculously long line of lemons; both were careful not to touch the ends of the wire.

  The Devil was busy swishing his tail excitedly; he hopped down off the Santa Claus as getting electrocuted was not part of his plan. There were few moments in the Devil's long career that he could say he was proud of. The getting kicked out of heaven thing was a bit of a downer, that guy getting nailed to a tree screwed up his plans completely, he had to take some credit for Hitler, and he was extremely proud of creating the world-wide phenomenon of Reality TV Shows, but all in all, he felt he hadn't really left his mark yet.

  This, however, wouldn't just be a mark, this would be an enormous scar across the face of the Earth. He was about to gain control of the biggest holiday of the year. He would become jolly old Saint Nick incarnate—the chaos he could cause, the heartbreak, the influence, it was all too beautiful. He would practically be worshipped! Oh, how he longed to be worshipped. There was still the matter of the contract to deal with;it stated that he had only seven days on the surface, but he had a plan to change that. A magnificent plan.

  "Let's get this show on the road!" shouted the Devil. "Battery ready?"

  "Ready," shouted several elves in unison.

  "Santa Claus prepped?"

  "Prepped and ready to go!"

  "All right, let’s plug it in!"

  Nothing happened.

  "Are we plugged in?"

  Still nothing.

  "What the hell is going on?" snapped the Devil.

  The elves stood completely motionless. The two elves holding the wires had stopped at mid-plug-in.

  The Devil looked at Itch and Big Ernie for answers.

  Big Ernie stared vacantly, which he always did when he didn't know what was going on. He tended to stare vacantly a lot. Itch just shrugged his shoulders.

  "What just happened?" said the Devil.

  "I think I can answer that," answered Death as he walked into the warehouse.

  As Death led the way through the dozen or so dancing elves, Celina's mind danced with questions. One question in particular pushed its way to the front.

  "How did you do that?"

  Nigel stepped around an elf that was doing the Twist.

  "I'm not really sure myself."

  "You just reprogrammed all the elves."

  "You said it could be done."

  "You said you weren't telekinetic," said Celina.

  "I didn't think I was!" s
aid Nigel.

  "What are we arguing about?"

  "I'm not sure, you started it. Everything just sort of appeared in my head, I just had to focus on the elves," said Nigel as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

  When Nigel stopped thinking, everything fell into place; he realized that the power of thought played a very little part in his ability. In fact, Nigel realized that his telekinetic power, even at such a minor level, was not controlled by his thoughts at all, it was his belief that he could do it that had thrown the information provided by Jeremiah into the elves and scrambled their programming.

  A large amount of his belief had been fueled by the little goldfish, not that Nigel knew that. But then, neither did Jeremiah.

  "What now?" asked Celina.

  "Have I told you how beautiful you look?"

  Celina stared at Nigel, turned a lovely shade of hot crimson, giggled a girlish giggle, and then quickly regained her self-control and told him with a fair amount of aloofness, "No you haven't, and frankly, I don't think you should at a time like this."

  "Fair enough, maybe later, then," said Nigel and strode on purposefully. "You know, I think I have an idea. Death, could I have a word?"

  "You!" shouted the Devil.

  "Me," said Death. "Aww, what a cute kitty you are."

  "Shut up! Shouldn't you be looking for work? I demand you tell me what you're doing here!"

  "No," said Death.

  The Devil looked quite put out for a moment and then a look of calm anger washed across his little kitty face.

  "Plug in the unit, you ridiculous little creatures!" barked the Devil, despite being a cat.

  The elves didn't move.

  The Devil ran over to Death and looked up at him, pupils large and fierce, his claws extended, tail swishing as if it had a mind of its own. "All right, what did you do?"

  "Nothing," said Death innocently.

  "What are you even doing here? I thought you'd quit, no, I thought we had agreed that you'd quit. In fact, I quite expected you to be sitting on a beach somewhere, completely sozzled by now."

  "I was for a while, but it's a bloody pain in the ass trying to order drinks when no one remembers you," said Death. "It was a good plan, though, convincing me to quit."

  "I don't what you're talking about," said the Devil with feigned innocence.

  "You knew what would happen if I quit, you knew the dead would stop being dead and it would cause worldwide confusion, but more importantly it would cause a distraction."

  "Oh, you are very good, you've been chatting to a wine waiter, haven't you?" said the Devil and turned to Itch and Big Ernie. "You two!"

  Big Ernie jumped slightly.

  "Plug in the Santa Claus," said the Devil, and then turned to sneer at Death, "you can't stop me, you know? No one can."

  Death shrugged. "I know I can't."

  "Then what are you doing here? You're just delaying the inevitable?"

  Nigel stepped into the warehouse and walked calmly over to Death and the Devil.

  "Ah," said Death, "Luci the Devil, meet Nigel."

  Death bristled, or rather the hair along his back bristled, and his tail puffed out. "Luci-fer, Lucifer!"

  Nigel looked at the cat. Remarkable, the Devil inside a cat.

  The Devil stared right back at Nigel and took a quick glance into his soul.

  "And just what is it you think you can do to me, Nigel?" asked the Devil. "Shouldn't you be off gambling somewhere?"

  Nigel smiled.

  "I'm thinking of giving it up. Actually, I'm just here for the cat you've possessed. Oh, and to make the elves do this." Nigel snapped his fingers and the warehouse PA system came to life with a squeal.

  Celina thought the plan was ridiculous. There was no chance of it working. Not even a slim chance of them succeeding. Throughout the last several hours, however, she had learnt a great many things, one of which was to trust Nigel. At first, he'd seemed sort of dull, not overly smart, and annoyingly calm. It would appear there was a lot more to him than met the eye, and she was seriously considering asking him out for a coffee or something.

  "What the hell are you thinking, Celina?" asked Celina. "We're in the middle of a life and Death, in the most literal sense, situation and you're thinking of going on a date!"

  "Pardon?" said Eggnog, who sat beside her on the floor of the shipping office.

  Celina had momentarily forgotten about the elf who was again being used as a power source.

  "Sorry, Eggnog, just talking to myself."

  The two-way radio they had taken from the dancing elves buzzed to life.

  "Hullo." Gerald’s voice crackled over the speaker.

  Celina picked up the radio.

  "Almost ready, Gerald, two secs." Celina, who had several wires plugged into Eggnog, inserted a CD into the computer she was using, turned up the volume on the speakers, removed the office phone from its cradle and poised her right index finger over the PA SYS button. She picked up the radio and pressed the talk button. "Okay, Gerald, ready when you are."

  3m25s

  Gerald was joyously hiding behind a pile of empty gasoline drums watching Death talk to the cat when Nigel walked out. He pressed the talk button on the radio.

  "Nigel's talking to the cat." He watched Nigel raise his hand and snap his fingers. "Now, Celina, now!"

  Celina pushed the PA SYS button on the phone and hit play on the computers CD player.

  The Macarena was an amazingly popular Spanish dance craze that was quickly adopted by the rest of the world, and for a long period of time, no one could go to a wedding, night club, bar mitzvah, house party, disco, or birthday party without hearing its infectious beat. It consisted of a simple techno beat, with fast lyrics topped off with Ehhhhh, Macarena accompanied by a repetitive sort of line dance. Instructions for the dance were as follows:

  One places his/her arms forward, palm down, right arm, then left arm.

  Then the dancer turns his arms over so that the palms are up, first right, then left.

  The dancer puts his hands on his shoulders, first right hand on left shoulder, then left on right.

  Then the dancer puts his hands on the back of his head, again right, then left.

  The dancer then places his arms on his hips, right hand on left hip, then left on right.

  Then the dancer's hands go onto the respective hips or rear end, right then left.

  The routine finishes with a pelvic rotation in time with the line, Ehhhh, Macarena!

  Then the dancer jumps 90 degrees counter-clockwise and repeats the same motions throughout the entire song.

  This world famous song pumped out of the loudspeakers in the corners of the warehouse, and with the gentle urging of Nigel's mind the elves began to dance.

  "What is all this? I demand an answer." The Devil’s voice got louder. "Stop it all of you, stop it, I command you to stop!" screamed the Devil at the elves, who were all line dancing together.

  "Plug it in, plug it in now!" He shouted at Itch and Big Ernie, who stood on either side of the Santa Claus.

  They each plugged a wire into the Santa Claus' ears, which caused a loud electrical crack. The Santa Claus unit began to shake. Itch and Big Ernie ran as fast as possible back toward their side of the warehouse in order to get closer to the door, in case they had to make a quick getaway. Big Ernie didn't quite make it all the way there, as he tripped over a large black box that had a tiny clock on it.

  Nigel smiled at Death, who nodded back. The plan was not an intricate one, by any means. At Nigel's insistence, Death had explained the rules of possession. If the possessor became dislodged from the body, it needed to find a host quickly. If the body the possessor had possessed died, then the possessor would die with it. The last request in Heinrich's letter to Nigel had troubled him for a while—if you see any black cats, kick them as hard as possible—until Death managed to clarify a few things. And so they formulated the plan: takeover the elves, thereby distracting the Devil; kick the cat to dislodge the
Devil, who would then possess the Santa Claus unit.

  Death had assured Nigel that he would handle the Devil from there, but wouldn't elaborate anymore than that.

  Nigel had to keep looking at Death to keep from forgetting who he was, but so far it was all going according to plan.

  The Devil grinned maniacally as the Santa Claus came to life in a shower of sparks and electricity.

  2m 2s

  Big Ernie rubbed his shin where he'd tripped over the box. Itch had returned to help the large man to his feet when he noticed the box that Big Ernie had tripped over. Itch's mind went from confusion, to fear, to blind panic in less time than it takes an albino to get a sunburn.

  "It's a bomb," he whimpered.

  1m48s

  The Devil's plan was to have the large insipid ape called Big Ernie kick him as hard as possible in order to dislodge himself from the cat's body. His two apes looked panicked on the other side of the warehouse, and the Devil was running out of time. He turned to the elf closest to him who was dancing happily.

  "You! Elf!"

  The elf jumped to its left and carried on dancing.

  "Listen to me!"

  The elf put both hands out in front of him, and then crossed them over his chest while his little hips wiggled.

  "Dammit all to hell," said the Devil, "someone kick me!"

  1m27s

  Nigel lined up the kick and took himself back to his secondary school days when he played forward for his school's soccer team. He wasn't exactly fond of abusing animals but the thought of telling the story of how he kicked the Devil was an amusing one. He took a few quick steps to where the Devil stood, then kicked him clear across the warehouse.

  Somewhere in mid-air, the Devil's spirit separated from the cat and fell directly into the Santa Claus as the unit suddenly sat bolt upright. The cat that was once again just Fuzzbucket, and no longer possessed by Satan, wondered why it was flying through the air. It landed in Itch's arms as the two criminals turned and ran from the warehouse.