If the Stars Fall

by Diane Adams

  Janet forced her attention back to the desk. "What's going on?" she asked the young woman, indicating the arguing pair with a tilt of her head.

  "I probably shouldn't say." She glanced over at Jared and the nurse, and her face contorted with distaste. Turning to face Janet she leaned forward, her voice dropping to a whisper as if confiding something to a friend. "We had an ambulance come in a while ago. And then this guy showed up wanting to see the patient. They aren't going to let him in, but he won't give up. The other guy is unconscious, or dead, or something, anyhow he can't give permission, so it's an immediate-family-only situation. Between you and me, I think they should just call Security. I can't stand how faggots think they deserve the same rights as people."

  Or dead. The cold words delivered in such a nonchalant manner chilled Janet's heart. They wouldn't let Jared see Alex, but this girl shared intimate details of the situation with no idea who she might be talking to. In the grip of indignant fury, Janet took a pad of paper from her purse and dug out a pen. In deliberate, clear print she copied the girl's name from her name tag. Frannie—front desk duty, ER. Janet checked her watch and wrote down the date and time.

  Frannie lost her excited expression and caution entered her eyes a little too late.

  "What are you doing?"

  "My name is Janet Ross. My son, Alexander Ross, was brought in by ambulance. There was a fire…" How calm her voice sounded surprised Janet. The attack against Jared and his connection to Alex had given her focus, something she could fight in a situation otherwise out of her control. Satisfaction filled her when Frannie's face drained of color.

  Jared's voice reached Janet again. He'd given up.

  "Fine, I can't see him. Just tell me how he's doing… for God's sake, will you tell me if he's alive?"

  The raw agony in Jared's voice resounded in Janet's heart, and for the first time she felt a connection to the man her son chose to love.

  "I can't tell you anything, sir, immediate family only." The nurse, distress over the situation clear in his voice, had begun to look harassed but he didn't move away from Jared.

  Janet turned in time to see Jared's hand close into a fist. With a small gasp, she hurried to his side and grabbed his arm. He looked down. Surprise replaced the fury in his expression when he saw her.

  "It's okay," she said quickly. His eyes searched hers before moving on to where she held his arm. Janet realized she'd never touched him. His face ravaged with pain, Jared looked little like the confident young man she had slowly been getting to know. She still hadn’t decided exactly how she felt towards her son's choice in a life partner, but she'd be damned if she'd let anyone torture him because of it. She angled her head towards the cowed young woman manning the computer. "They are people, you heartless bitch. Don't imagine this is the last you'll hear from me." She turned back to the nurse. "For your sake, I hope you're doing your job, and not indulging your personal prejudice. I'm Janet Ross, the young man you have back there is my son, Alexander Ross."

  Jared remained still under her hand. Janet didn't dare look at him. She couldn't bear to see his desperate need for information about Alex. If she'd had any lingering doubts about the depth of his affection, they'd been dispelled forever the moment she'd walked in and saw him.

  The nurse nodded, compassion replaced the frustration on his face. "I'll take you to him right away."

  Janet didn't move. "Him, too." She tugged Jared closer.

  The nurse shook his head. "Immediate family only."

  Jared pulled his arm away. "Go, he needs someone with him. Let me know if he's okay."

  Janet cocked her head before turning back to the nurse. "This is his brother."

  "That's a lie!" Frannie, still hanging on every word of the conflict, burst out.

  Janet silenced her with a look and turned back to the nurse, her expression bland. "I can't tell you I approve of their flagrant behavior, or their tendency to forget their relationship, but this is Alex's brother."

  Beside her, despite his frantic worry, Jared choked.

  The nurse just looked tired. "Sure he is." But he opened the doors and let them in.

  Once in the back, they still hadn't been able to get into the room with Alex, but at least they had chairs nearby and were kept informed about his condition. Janet still felt confused over the comfort she'd found having Jared with her to face that moment.

  Jared's gratitude for her intervention had warmed Janet, though she didn't think she'd ever live down having not only a gay son, but a pair of incestuous gay sons. Maybe they'd all tell jokes about it one day, but as far as she could tell that day had yet to arrive.

  Jared cleared his throat and Janet realized he still stood on the porch. Her cheeks warmed and she stepped aside. "Come in, Jared."

  He moved past her, looking wary and concerned. "Are you okay?" he asked as soon as she'd closed the door. One hand went to the knot of the robe belt at her waist the other went to her hair, unsure what he probably thought, considering her absent-minded behavior and disheveled appearance.

  "Yes, I'm fine. Frank is still gone with his job and I was working on something." She waved vaguely at the computer. "Would you like a drink, some coffee perhaps?"

  Jared shook his head. "No, I'm good." He shifted with discomfort but when his eyes met hers they were clear blue and as startlingly direct as ever. "I wanted to give you some news and ask you something."

  "Okay then, have a seat." Janet settled into her favorite chair and he sat on the edge of the couch, tension in every line of his body.

  Worry flared in reaction to his behavior. "Is Alex all right?"

  Her question had a magical effect on Jared. He relaxed, and his smile split his face. "He's better, so much better. He's planning to have you over for dinner soon. I'll let him call and tell you the details, but he's finally healing."

  Janet felt limp with relief. She remembered a previous confrontation with Jared, when the report hadn't been as good. He'd come to deliver the news Alex didn't want to see anyone and Jared wanted to personally make sure everyone understood and stayed away. Alex needed time to heal emotionally as well as physically. Yes, he'd been seeing a therapist but that being all "well and good", Jared informed her Alex had to find his own way. Being warned away from her son had infuriated her at the time and the incident still made her angry, but hearing good news about Alex at last, Janet didn't have the heart to ruin Jared's pleasure, or, admittedly, her own.

  "He's really getting better?"

  "Yes, he is. He let me take his picture. I printed one for you." Jared handed her the flimsy piece of copier paper. Janet took it and there she found the beloved face of her son, a slight smile on his lips, his eyes obviously fixed on Jared. She studied Alex's image for a long silent moment. The last she'd seen him his right side had been a mess of knotted burn scars and now… she looked up, eyes brimming.

  "It's a miracle."

  Jared chuckled. "It looks like one, but the scars aren't gone, just hidden under the graft. The process was rough on him, but hopefully worth everything he's been through. He's almost ready to come out of hiding."

  Looking up, Janet met his gaze. "Thank you. I can't wait to see him." She hesitated. "I know things between you and I haven't been…"

  Shaking his head, Jared cut her off. "I'll never forget what you did for us at the hospital," he told her. "It meant everything. I told Alex."

  Janet felt surprised. "You did?"

  "Of course. He worries about you and me. I wanted him to know you stood up for me." Jared's eyes danced with amusement. "Even though I think you found the answer to the question 'what's worse than a gay son'. I'm not sure that girl at the desk will ever recover."

  It seemed they had come further than Janet thought, and her lips quirked in response to Jared's teasing. "Oh, yes, incestuous gay sons trump a lone gay one," she agreed, then became serious. "I want you to know, it took a while, but I made sure that young lady will think twice before she shares her spite in the future. If she does c
hoose to do so, it won’t be at that hospital."

  Jared remained quiet. He glanced down to where his hands hung folded together between his knees before meeting her eyes again. "Once you would have agreed with her."

  "Once," Janet replied, her tone cautious.

  "And now?"

  "I cannot make my son's choices for him. Whether I approve or disapprove, I want him to be happy and he deserves to be treated with compassion and respect regardless of his lifestyle." Janet wished she'd reached the point of unconditional approval, but it remained beyond her grasp and she didn't know if she'd ever have it.

  "Thank you. His estrangement from you hurt. When you came to Thanksgiving, he looked like someone handed him the world on a platter." Jared spoke frankly. "I know you did it for him, not for me or even as a sign of approval. I'm okay with that, but it's also why I'm here."

  Curious, Janet leaned forward in her chair. "What is it, Jared?"

  "What happened in the emergency room… it could happen again and you might not be there to save me." He paused. "I've never been attracted to the idea of gay marriage. To me, it always seemed like nothing more than an attempt to mimic heterosexual relationships. Without being legal, at best, it could be considered a loving gesture, but it was devoid of any practical meaning. Alex didn't share my opinion. I know he's wanted to get married for years, and it's the one thing I haven't given him."

  "I understand how you must feel, but they legalized gay marriage last year. I voted in favor." She hesitated a moment. "Saying people in love can't marry feels too much like what they did to you and Alex at the hospital. I'm no longer comfortable with that degree of interference in someone's life."

  Jared's smile contained a measure of affection that surprised Janet. "You've changed more than you admit. I wish the subject was so cut and dried for me. I didn't vote. I'm still not sure exactly how I feel about the subject. I don't like thinking anyone will consider a marriage between Alex and I nothing more than a parody of the 'real' thing."

  "But…" Janet prompted him to finish. She understood his fear since not that long ago she'd never have believed the love between two men could be real.

  "Now it is legal, and regardless of my misgivings, marriage would give us all the rights of heterosexual couples." Jared's smile turned fond. "Besides, it'd make Alex so flipping happy. The thing is, if we do this, I want it to be an occasion of true joy, no regrets." Jared leaned forward and his gaze locked with hers. "It may sound strange, but I'm here to ask for your blessing. If you can't support us, for whatever reason, I'm not going to ask him. I'll give you more time."

  Janet unconsciously smoothed her hair and let Jared's words sink in, astounded he'd give her so much consideration. She wondered if she'd have ever been able to accept Alex's choice as much as she had, if not for the patience and kindness of this man. He'd stepped into the background whenever she'd visited without any show of resentment. She'd found the courage once to ask him about it and Jared had shaken his head with a little laugh. "You're his mother, he needs you. What I think doesn't matter."

  "But what do you think?" Janet remembered asking.

  "We'll see," Jared had told her gently and left her standing alone, lost in thought.

  She rose and went to sit beside him on the couch. "I don't know if we'll ever be completely comfortable with one another. I can't seem to stop wishing you were a girl." Taking a deep breath, Janet didn't wait for his reaction. "But you aren't, and you never will be. You love Alex and he adores you. You have my blessing. But, Jared, don't hurt him. Never hurt him."

  "I promise." He met her eyes frankly. "I never will. You'll come to our wedding?"

  "I'll come." Janet still felt uncertain, but she laughed lightly in response to his invitation. "You seem confident he's going to say yes."

  Jared gave her a crooked smile. "A lot of things in life are uncertain. He's the one thing I'm sure of."

  "When are you going to ask him?" Janet sounded more eager than she intended and her cheeks colored a little. "If you don't mind telling me."

  Taking a deep breath, Jared grew a little more serious. "I don't mind. I want to ask him on Valentine's Day."

  "That's this Saturday!" she exclaimed in surprise. "You waited long enough to ask me."

  "I know, I just…" Jared shrugged and glanced down, breaking eye contact with her for a moment. "I wasn't as sure of you… I don't even have a ring."

  Janet looked surprised. "You need a ring? A man's engagement ring? I never heard of that."

  "I don't know if anyone has, but I don't want to just ask him and then, what? Nothing? I'll buy one for each of us, since there's no girl."

  Jared's laugh sounded a little shaky, and she realized how much he had opened up to her. Despite her continued misgivings she felt her heart soften.

  "Can I help?" The impulsive words tumbled out and Janet didn't know if she or Jared were more surprised by them.

  He studied her face before nodding. "I'd like that. I think Alex will, too."

  She jumped to her feet. Jewelry shopping she could do. "Let me dress and comb my hair. I know a wonderful shop, and I have a couple of ideas." She hurried out of the room without a glance at her hibernating computer or a thought for her deadline.

  Jared’s voice followed her out of the room, "I'm glad somebody does."

  Amused, Janet didn't try to fight the twinge of fondness in her heart. The common ground she and Jared shared in Alex had finally brought them together. Thinking about how happy and surprised Alex would be about the proposal, Janet barely managed to restrain a squeal of excitement more befitting a teenage girl than a woman of her age. She found maintaining her decorum difficult when, for the first time in years, she felt like a real part of her son's life.

  Don't Look Back

  Clark glanced out the front window of the Greasy Dog for at least the hundredth time. Alex wasn't late. If anything Clark had gotten there early, anxious to see his best friend. Clark trusted Jared, but he couldn't wait to see Alex with his own eyes. When the familiar cherry red Camaro convertible swung into a parking space, Clark's palms started to sweat, his mouth grew dry. He laughed.

  "Crap, Johnson, get a grip. He's not your lover," he muttered, and stood up next to the booth where he'd chosen to sit.

  Not exactly the same one he and Alex used to occupy growing up, as the Greasy Dog had been rebuilt several years before, but close enough. Clark shifted his feet, undecided as to whether he should go meet Alex or wait at the table. More reconciling lovers crap. Clark wondered if he should examine his orientation again, he hadn't taken a look in a while. The thought brought back memories of his teenage years, when his knack for attracting the affection of gay men had him double-checking that very thing on a regular basis.

  Now, with the memory of Stevie hot and eager in his arms the night before fresh in his mind, such worries seemed more amusing then they had at the time. His sexual identity was secure, he just needed to man up. He headed for the front of the restaurant, but he'd hesitated long enough that by the time he got there, Alex had pushed open the doors and stepped inside.

  They stared at each other, assessing. For the first time Clark thought maybe they should have met in private and ignored the lure of sitting in the Greasy Dog, eating messy hot dogs, talking like old times. Neither spoke. Clark used those few seconds to make a careful inspection of his friend.

  "You look good," he said, relief flooding through him with such force his legs felt weak, and Clark wondered what he'd expected. "Really good."

  "Thanks." Alex frowned. His forehead furrowed and his brows threatened to meet. "I'm sorry."

  Before Clark could figure out what to say to ease the tension between them, he found himself with an armful of Alex. Clark wrapped his friend in a gentle approximation of the bear hugs they used to share. Alex felt more fragile than he looked, nothing more than skin and bones, but when they pulled apart and locked gazes, Clark relaxed. Alex's eyes glinted with their old light, if a little more shadowed than he rememb
ered. His hand slipped behind Alex's head and he brought their foreheads together, a quiet moment in which no one existed but the two of them.

  "You scared the fuck out of me, asshole," he grumbled, stepping back to dash away the moisture in his eyes with the back of his hand.

  "Yeah, well, I said I was sorry." Alex pushed his shoulder, they exchanged grins, and things were right between them.

  "I'm hungry." Clark turned towards counter where the staff had stopped working to watch the two of them. He glowered and the teenage girls twittered with giggles but didn't stop staring. Clark rolled his eyes.

  Alex sniffed the air. "Me too, let's get something and we can eat while we talk."

  Clark ordered and, as if by magic, a couple Greasy Pounders, huge fries, and mega-size drinks appeared on a tray filling it to overflowing.

  Clark laughed when Alex stared wide-eyed at the amount of food. "Jared said you haven't been eating. This will be good for you." He patted his pockets and threw Alex a sheepish look. "I forgot my wallet."

  Alex burst out laughing. "Of course you did." He shook his head and pulled his MasterCard out of his pocket and handed it over.

  "You carry your credit card in your pocket?" Clark tried to imagine carrying nothing more than his credit card, but remembering his wallet was stuffed with photos of his wife and kids, credit cards for the job, and God knew what else, he couldn't quite picture it.

  Alex fished his driver's license out of his pocket and flashed it at Clark. "I don't need anything else. We pay off the card every month so I never carry cash."

  Clark picked up the tray while they waited for Alex to get his card back. "Of course you do."

  Thinking about the pile of expenses having so many kids caused, Clark wondered briefly why he hadn't gone gay. Once more Stevie invaded in his mind, and the thought of her gentle touch on his skin turned his smile sappy. Oh. Yeah.

  "What are you thinking about?" Alex laughed, obviously having caught the look on his face. He tucked his cards into his hip pocket and led Clark back to a booth. Clark blushed and shook his head, unwilling to share such intimate thoughts, even with Alex.