The Heart of Memory

by Alison Strobel

  Thoughts of the other sacrifices she’d made began to fill her mind. Quality time with her husband. Anonymity. Closer friendships with her girlfriends. She’d never considered herself a go-getter, the kind of person who would stop at nothing to achieve what she wanted. And yet she had. Not with the ruthless, heartless ambition of the corporate world, but with passion and conviction to the exclusion of all else, which she easily justified because in the end it was all for God.

  Her anger began to take on a new form. It was aimed at herself. Why hadn’t she counted the cost to her family? Why hadn’t she given herself more margin, insisted on more boundaries? Had she really thought the two people most precious to her would escape unscathed?

  Her anger needed an outlet. She walked faster, not with the same intent that had driven her in the orchard, but simply to burn off the energy that fueled her anger. Her thoughts formed themselves as conversation as she picked up speed.

  Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you open my eyes? What kind of God lets people do such stupid things in his name? And the last couple years, when it wasn’t about you anymore, but all about me, you should have stopped me. If you’re real, that is.

  Then it dawned on her: He had. The days before the surgery came back to her — the mourning, the remorse, the repentance.

  Okay, so maybe you did. Maybe. I’m not entirely convinced that wasn’t just my own guilt preying on my weakened emotional state. But then why did all the rest of this happen?

  Well, I guess Shaun’s actions are his own, and A&A just got caught in the crossfire. Along with me. And Jessie. So what does that mean, exactly? That A&A wasn’t doing a good job? That the ministry was pointless— or that it was actually offensive to you? And I have serious issues with the fact that you let this happen to all the great people we worked with. None of this was their fault. How could you do this to them?

  Her feet pounded the pavement, slower than their old jogging rhythm, but steady. Her body still felt awkward in exercise, but the effect it had on her mind was the same. Her next clinic appointment was in two days. She wondered what the stress test would show, what they’d say if they knew she was exerting herself so much.

  And what’s the deal with all this cellular memory stuff? Is that what it really is? Or am I out of my mind? After reading Dr. Pearsall’s book, I have to admit I’m a believer. I just wish more people were so I didn’t sound like a lunatic. And if you designed our bodies to work this way, then you really should have designed an off switch.

  She slowed herself when the path curved, not wanting to go too far in case something happened to her heart. She turned around and started to walk back, squinting into the sun.

  Look, wherever Jessie is, can you please take care of her? I have a hard time believing she’d do something stupid and get herself in trouble, but she was upset and not thinking clearly. Get her home safely. Or help me find her.

  She stopped walking as the impact of her words caught up with her. Had she actually been praying? She took a mental inventory. She was still angry with herself, but toward God the feeling had faded from disgruntled irritation to simple doubt—Was he real? Was he listening? Did he care?

  She never would have guessed that doubt could make her so happy.

  SAVANNAH SNUCK INTO THE HOUSE, easing the door shut and grabbing her carry-on that was still leaning against the wall. She brought it up to the guest bedroom, alert for signs that Shaun was around. His car was still in the garage, but perhaps he was out for a run. She slipped into the guest bathroom and showered, enjoying the ache of her muscles from the exercise. Just one more piece of the old Savannah coming back into focus. Hopefully it wouldn’t be the last.

  When she was dressed, she went back downstairs and ran smack into Shaun as he came out of the kitchen. She glowered at him, then sidestepped him without a word and went to the kitchen for some lunch.

  “Jessie came in just after you got in the shower,” he said.

  Relief washed over her. “Good. She texted me just before I came home, saying she was alright. Hadn’t said when she’d be home, though. Thank you for telling me.” She pulled out the ingredients for a stir fry, ignoring the sounds that told her Shaun had followed her.

  “Savannah, I just want to say again how sorry I am.”

  “Save it. I’m not ready to talk about this again with you.”

  Zucchini, broccoli, carrots, cabbage. She chopped with vigor, keeping her back to him and trying to fill the silence with her cooking. She could have made something less labor-intensive, but it gave her something else to think about and an outlet for her antsy energy.

  Shaun, however, wasn’t ready to give up. “So what now?”

  Chop, julienne, shred. “I don’t know, Shaun.” And she didn’t. She felt betrayed. Shaun was like a stranger to her. What could she realistically expect of herself in such a situation? Leaving the marriage certainly felt like a justifiable option, even if she wasn’t ready to admit it.

  But as she dropped the vegetables into the wok, it dawned on her that Shaun had likely felt the same way after she’d changed so much. And he hadn’t left.

  “I’m just … not ready to forgive you yet.” She hoped he would catch the fact that she wasn’t ruling it out entirely.

  “I understand,” he said quickly. “I wouldn’t expect you to be.”

  She whisked soy sauce and cornstarch in a bowl, set it aside. “I had an idea while I was out. I’d like to bring Jessie to Georgia with me, if she’s willing, and if Tabitha can spare the room. I think she’d benefit from being at The Refuge, and it would give the two of us the chance to bond some more.”

  “That makes sense.” He spoke slowly, and she knew he was trying to decide if those reasons were the real ones or decoys.

  “It’s not like we’ll be gone forever.” She finally turned to look him in the eyes, then tried to soften her tone. “I still need some time, too. But I want to do what I can to help us get untangled from our … financial issues. If you want, I can pack away the things I really want to keep, and you can try to sell the house and whatever furnishings people want. There’s very little in the way of stuff that I’m attached to. And we’ve got some nice things; I’m sure you could sell or consign them for a good price.”

  He managed a smile. “That’s a good idea.”

  She stirred the vegetables and chose her words carefully. “You are going to come clean with everyone, right?”

  His response took a few seconds to come. “Come clean?”

  “With the staff.”

  “With—wait, you mean, tell them everything?”

  She breathed deeply, trying not to let her anger build up the wall they were trying to tear down. “Yes. Everything. Don’t you think that’s the right thing to do? Apologize — to Nick, to Carlie—”

  “Carlie! Are you nuts?”

  “She’s doing what she’s doing because of what you did, Shaun. Admit your mistake to everyone and you take away her power. Plus, you really do owe her an apology if you fired her, even partly, because of what she found out. And it would be better to do it before she made good on her threats.”

  Shaun ran a hand over his face and wandered out of the kitchen. Savannah turned back to her stir fry, astounded at who her husband had turned out to be. She never would have believed his story if it hadn’t come straight from him.

  She plated the food and ate as she tried to envision their future. Was there a future for them? The life they’d been living — more business partners than lovers—was not appealing. She didn’t want that life back. And now that she knew who Shaun really was, she wasn’t so sure she wanted him, anyway. If he did what he needed to do, showed he was willing to change—maybe she’d concede to giving it another try. But would they ever be able to go back to how they had been before A&A had transformed them from lovers to coworkers?

  The longer she pondered, the clearer things became, and after she finished eating she made a stop at Shaun’s office before calling Tabitha about her idea.
r />   “Just to put your mind at ease — I don’t want a divorce.”

  The fact that he looked so shocked broke her heart. “You don’t? Why not?”

  “I don’t think it’s what God would want.”

  The look intensified. “You actually care what God wants?”

  “Well, not exactly—but I don’t want to make any decisions I might regret. And I think I would regret that.”

  He smiled. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  She smiled back. “Yeah. Me too.”

  JESSIE TOOK A BITE OF her apple and keyed in the URL of the Colorado Springs Gazette’s website, then clicked on their job listings. She couldn’t handle the bookstore for much longer, not with all the comments she heard from customers when they saw Savannah’s books on the shelves. The other staff hadn’t been too bad, though Torrie had been standoffish for the last week or so. Jessie tried not to care, but it wasn’t working. She needed a change.

  She still hadn’t seen her mother since coming home from Angie’s house. She’d run into her father, to whom she had refused to talk before locking herself in her bedroom and falling asleep. She’d woken just an hour later, but the nap had done her good. She hadn’t been ready to take on all the questions of her future, but she had felt ready to take a small step. The job search felt doable.

  A knock, then a call of “Jessie?” broke her concentration. Her mother. The walls went up once again around her heart. “Come in.”

  Savannah’s face held a look of cautiousness, of apprehension. Not expressions she was used to seeing on her mother. “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” she said, sounding truly concerned that Jessie may have been in the middle of something important. “I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. That alright?”

  “Um—yeah, sure.”

  Savannah sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m really sorry about last night. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Thanks for letting us know you were alright; we were getting worried.”

  Jessie felt a twinge of guilt. “Yeah … I’m sorry I ran out like that.”

  “That’s alright; you needed your space.”

  Jessie smiled a bit at the echo of Gayle’s words. “Yeah, I did.”

  Savannah pulled the ends of her sweater over her hands as her demeanor seemed to shift to one of almost nervousness. “Listen, I wanted to propose something. It—it might sound sort of weird, but just hear me out, okay?”

  “Okay.” She was curious despite herself.

  “Okay, so … I told you about the Refuge, and Tabitha and Aniyah, and all that … they’ve really helped me, and Tabitha has a really amazing program there. I know we haven’t talked a ton about everything that’s happened lately, or about the things your dad did, so for all I know you’re handling things really well. But, even though you’re an incredibly strong and smart young woman, I know you’ve been hit with a lot of big stuff lately, and I thought it might be helpful for you — if you wanted to, that is — to come to The Refuge with me for a while.”

  Jessie hadn’t known what to expect, but this wouldn’t have even been on the list. “What? Seriously?”

  “You wouldn’t have to go to the sessions if you didn’t want to— if it just didn’t seem like something that was going to be helpful, no one would make you participate. So, if nothing else, it would be a vacation, and heaven knows you need one.”

  She had to smile at that. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

  “No expectations, no pressure — just an opportunity to commiserate with some people who can relate to what you’re going through, in their own way, and who might be able to give you some insights. And I promise you’ll have your privacy. I won’t go to the sessions that you go to, so you don’t feel like you have to censor yourself. Heck, we don’t even have to talk while we’re there; you’ll have your own room and everything. I talked it over with Tabitha and she’s totally fine with it all.”

  Jessie slowly tilted her chair back, thinking. “Wow. That’s … that’s quite an offer.”

  “You don’t have to answer right now, either.” Savannah stood, her hands popping out of the sleeves. “Let me know what you decide. And like I said, no pressure.” She gave Jessie a quick hug, then left her to her thoughts.

  Jessie watched the door close, feeling like she was in a dream. Had her mother really just apologized, affirmed Jessie’s fragile emotional state, and then actually managed to offer help without making it sound condescending? If that was the result of her time at The Refuge, then that alone was a reason to go.

  But even if it wasn’t, she had to admit the opportunity sounded amazing. The vacation aspect alone was enough to make her want to pack her bags. But to be able to finally dump all her frustrations and anger and grief over the events of the last few years and get some help in sorting through and dealing with it—it was almost too good to be true.

  So what do you think? She stared at the computer and took another bite of her apple. A warmth grew in her heart as she imagined the place her mother had told her about the night before. She finished her apple, closed out the classifieds, and picked up her cell phone and dialed. “Hey Torrie, it’s Jess. Look, I’m really sorry to spring this on you, but it looks like I’m going to have to resign. I can probably give you another week, but then I’m … well, I’m going away for a while.”

  She couldn’t help the smile that stretched across her face.

  THE HOUSE WAS SILENT, BUT for the first time in months, the silence didn’t weigh on Shaun like a suffocating blanket. With his secrets spilled, he could breathe more easily, stand up a little straighter, even though the future was a gaping hole of uncertainty. All that was left now was to apologize.

  He wasn’t so naïve as to think that would then be the end of it. He knew serious consequences still lay ahead of him. But the hopelessness that had clawed at his soul and driven him to consider suicide was gone, and even the worst-case scenarios didn’t scare him as much as they once had. It was hard to believe he’d been that desperate. He thanked God for the hundredth time for saving him from himself.

  Before him on the desk laid a list of names. Each of the A&A staff was there, as were Nick and Pastor John. He picked up his pen and hesitated a moment before adding Carlie to the end. His eyes narrowed as he put down the pen, but he didn’t scratch her name out like he wanted to. He knew in his heart Savannah was right.

  He turned to his computer and began to type. He knew he ought to apologize to everyone face-to-face, and he still planned to do that, but not without some assistance. He outlined what his apology would cover, then began to write the script which would keep him from babbling and trying to defend himself. This wasn’t a way for him to justify his actions, as much as he wanted to. This was a way to try to mend the bridges he’d burned the day he’d locked the door on A&A’s office for the last time.

  Rough draft complete, he stood to distance himself from the fallout of his pride and took a moment to wander the small space of his office. Soon he’d need to start paring down to the essentials, sacrificing the tokens of success that lined his bookshelves and walls for the sake of his family. They’d put the house on the market next month and sell what possessions they could to knock down some of the medical debt that still hung over them. It felt good to have a plan, even if the plan meant giving up so many of the things that had fed his sense of self-worth and security—or required him to place himself at the feet of those he had wronged and ask for their forgiveness. That part of the plan hurt. But with God’s help — and only because of God’s help—he’d do it.

  A sudden throb in his head made him wince. He looked at the clock and groaned. More time had passed than he had realized. He took one last look at the computer screen, replaced a vague statement of wrongdoing with a flat-out, unadorned, stark admission of guilt, then shut down the machine and went to bed.

  SHAUN, JESSIE, AND SAVANNAH SPENT the next few days packing up their most prized possessions and stashing the boxes in the garage. They filled their cars with whatever didn
’t make the cut and brought the donations to the Springs Rescue Mission. Shaun made an appointment with a Realtor to have the house listed as soon as possible. Then, three days after Thanksgiving, Savannah and Jessie boarded a plane for Georgia.

  Jessie stared out the window at the vast stretches of farmland that filled her view out the plane’s window. “I can’t believe I’m finally flying somewhere.”

  “Someday we’ll make sure to fly over the Rockies. There’s a view for you.”

  “I can’t believe you did this all the time.”

  Savannah chuckled. “Me neither.”

  She began to flip through her magazine, though her mind was elsewhere. The next few months would bring chaos and uncertainty as the house hopefully sold and they tried to determine where to settle down. She wasn’t tied to Colorado, and Jessie had confided that she was happy to be getting out as well. Shaun hadn’t spoken much on the subject. He didn’t think it appropriate to express an opinion since it was his fault they didn’t have much choice. She had tried to reassure him that selling their home of twenty years and moving on to new things was an exciting adventure, but he hadn’t bought it. Surely once their debts were paid off he’d be in a better frame of mind.

  When they arrived at The Refuge, Jessie’s first words were, “Oh wow, look at the orchard.”

  Savannah slowed as they neared the house, giving Jessie a longer look. “It’s a great place to go for a good think. Just don’t run through there. Lots of rocks and holes for your foot to catch.”

  Jessie grinned. “Do you speak from experience?”