Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3

by Samantha Wolfe

  I followed her out of the room, realizing that I'd follow this woman anywhere, right to the ends of the fucking earth.

  Chapter Eleven

  Sydney

  I jerked awake with the horrifying vision of my parent's broken bodies in my head, my scream echoing off the bedroom walls.

  "Fuck," I heard Jensen grunt as he startled awake next to me. I was already sitting up, panting for air, my heart pounding inside my chest. He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, pressing a sweet kiss to my shoulder. "Are you okay, baby?" he mumbled.

  "No," I said harshly. "I'm so scared about Friday. I've been trying to pretend that I'm okay, and that it doesn't bother me, but I'm terrified."

  "I know, baby" he rumbled sleepily as he hugged me tight. I sighed into his embrace. "You didn't fool me," he said as he pulled me into his lap, cradling me against his chest.

  "I didn't?" I asked.

  "No," he answered. "You've been having nightmares every night, and talking and crying in your sleep. Most nights it never wakes you up, and I hold you until you calm down."

  "I've been waking you up every night?" I asked in guilty disbelief.

  "It's okay, baby," he said reassuringly. "I don't mind. I love taking care of you."

  "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked in annoyance.

  "Please don't be mad at me," he said sheepishly

  I pursed my lips wanting to be angry at him for not telling me, but I could understand why he hadn't. He was trying to protect me.

  "I'm not," I sighed out in resignation. "It would have only made me feel guilty all this time anyway."

  "That's why I didn't tell you."

  I sighed again, and snuggled against his warm bare skin, nuzzling my nose against his chest.

  "Do you want to try to go back to sleep?" he asked as he laid his head on mine.

  "I don't know if I can," I whispered wearily.

  "Maybe I could help you relax," he suggested as he brushed his warm lips across my forehead, his voice deep and sensual. "Make you forget for a little while."

  I lifted my head to see his eyes had darkened with arousal in the dim early-morning light coming in through the window above the head of our bed. He looked so beautiful.

  "I'd like that a lot," I told him and pulled his head down until our lips met.

  He spent the next few minutes kissing me until I couldn't breathe for want of him. Then he crawled on top of me, and made love to me slowly and deeply, every stroke pulling shivers of pleasure out of me until I came with a long shuddering sigh of ecstasy. He followed right behind me, moaning my name as his release overwhelmed him. He told me how much he loved me, how perfect I was for him, and that we were meant to be together. Then he cradled me in his arms, and I fell back to sleep to the sound of what seemed like a hundred sweet nothings whispered in my ear.

  **********

  "Are you ready?" I asked Jensen as I watched his hands clench the Camaro's steering wheel, the skin of his fingers turning white from the pressure he was exerting.

  "No," he said in a harsh sounding voice. "I'm fucking terrified." His eyes were focused on the house we were parked in front of, and I followed his gaze to the front door to see Erika, his mother, stepping out of Jensen's childhood home. She came down the porch steps, and down the sidewalk toward us.

  "Come on, baby," I said as I squeezed his thigh gently. "You can do this. I'm here this time, and you'll be okay."

  "Where's David?" he asked like he hadn't even heard what I said, his voice anxious. "Why isn't he here yet?"

  "He'll be here, don't worry," I reassured him, rubbing my hand up and down his leg comfortingly. "He's just running a little late." I sighed quietly, then climbed out of the car as Erika came up to the car.

  "Sydney," she said happily as I closed the car door. She pulled me into an unexpected embrace. "It's so good to see you." The hug was warm and loving, and I felt a pang of loss as a memory of my mother hugging me popped into my head. It was disconcerting. I hadn't had a memory hit me like that in a very long time. I took a shuddering breath as pain filled my heart, and I felt the urge to cry. Erika pulled back and looked at my face with concern. "Are you alright, honey?

  "I'm okay," I said, forcing a wan smile onto my face. "I'm just worried about your son."

  The sound of the driver's door opening drew her attention away from me. Jensen stood up out of the car, and shut the door behind him. I looked at his face closely, seeing the tension around his eyes and mouth as he walked around the car to his mother.

  "Hey, Mom," he greeted her quietly, his voice sounding small and unsure.

  "Hi, honey," she said in a soothing voice as she wrapped her son in her arms. I was always amazed how much he looked like his mother whenever they were next to each other. They both had the same vivid green eyes, straight noses, and full lips. She was a beautiful woman, and Jensen had inherited his gorgeous face from her, yet still managed to look masculine in every way. I watched Erika place her hands on his cheeks, and look up at him adoringly.

  "I'm sorry, Mom," he whispered as his eyes welled up with emotion.

  "For what?" she asked in genuine confusion.

  "For disappearing on Saturday, for making you worry about me again."

  "Jensen," she said warmly. "You have nothing to be sorry about."

  "But..."

  "Don't even start, honey," she interrupted him firmly as she continued looking into his eyes. "David told me what happened and why. You need to let this go now. Okay?"

  "Okay," he answered her, but I could tell he wasn't ready to do that just yet.

  Just then, David's Audi pulled into the driveway next to the Camaro. He jumped out of the car and hurried over to us with an apologetic expression. He was still dressed in the dark red polo shirt and khaki pants that he had probably worn to work today.

  "Sorry, I'm late." He stopped next to Jensen, eying him closely. "I ended up staying late at work until they could find someone to cover for one of the second shift nurses who called in."

  "We haven't been here that long," I told him as I stepped forward and gave him a quick hug.

  "Hi, Erika," David greeted Jensen's mother with a nod, and I think I was the only one to notice the slight tension in his voice. I was pretty sure he was still feeling responsible for Saturday.

  "David," Erika said brightly, her eyes lighting up. She stepped forward and hugged David, who smiled and hugged her back. He had to know that Erika adored him. He saved her son's life for God's sake. He'd really have to screw something up for her to feel anything negative about him.

  David turned to Jensen and put his hand on his shoulder. The contact and David's presence seemed to calm Jensen a little, but he was still tense and his eyes were a little wild.

  "Hey, man," David said calmly. "Look at me."

  Jensen stilled and managed to focus on David's face. David placed his other hand on Jensen's other shoulder and looked him right in the eyes.

  "Today is different," David assured him. "This is not like Saturday at all. We're doing this the right way today. You're in the right frame of mind this time, and you're going to be completely honest with yourself and with me today. I've got your back, and Sydney's here for you too."

  Jensen took in several deep breaths to calm himself down. "Okay," he said with a jerking nod. "Can Mom stay too?" he asked in a small voice.

  "Of course, she can," David answered with a smile. I noticed Erika's eyes light up with happy surprise that he wanted her here for this. I couldn't help smiling too. He had never let her see how bad things could get before, and until now, she had been one of his triggers. It was a pleasant surprise that seemed to be changing. "We'll go through the house again first, before we tackle the garage. Is that alright with you?" Jensen nodded with more confidence this time.

  David led Jensen up the sidewalk to the porch, while Erika and I followed close behind. I watched Jensen's shoulders tense up as we approached the front door, but his steps didn't falter as he followed David through the door. I
followed them in with Erika right behind me, and we stopped just inside the doorway to see Jensen standing in the middle of the living room with his back to his mother and me. David stood just to his left.

  "What's going on in your head right now?" David asked him.

  "I'm...I'm feeling tight inside my chest." He took several deep breaths. "Um...it hurts being here. It doesn't feel like home anymore."

  His mother grabbed my hand after that last sentence and held tight to mine. I glance over and saw the hurt look on her face. I squeezed her hand reassuringly.

  "Why is that?" David asked as he put a hand on Jensen's shoulder again.

  "Everywhere I look, I see them," he answered raggedly; his shoulders slumping forward. "Everywhere I look, I see pain and loss. I see what I've done to my family."

  Erika surged forward, driven by the pain in her son's voice, but David turned and stopped her with a shake of his head. She stopped and stepped back, wringing her hands together anxiously. I put my arm around her shoulders comfortingly.

  "What do you think you did to your family?" David asked carefully.

  "I d...destroyed it." He took another broken breath. "I ruined it. I...I killed...killed them." Jensen fell down to his knees. David followed him to the floor and put his arm around him. Erika's body thrummed with sudden tension under my arm.

  "You know that's not true, Jensen," David told him. Jensen responded with violent head shaking, denying David's statement, and started panting for air. David leaned in close and started talking quietly near Jensen's ear, his tone soothing, but I couldn't make out the words. It took a little while, but eventually David helped Jensen calm himself down, and he actually succeeded in keeping a full-blown anxiety attack at bay. It was the first time I'd seen Jensen stop one before it got out of control. David coaxed Jensen back onto his feet, then led him over to the fireplace mantle, where multiple family photos were displayed.

  "How do you feel when you look at pictures of your father and brother?" David asked him.

  There was a long pregnant pause as Jensen stared at the photos, his eyes darting from one picture frame to the next. "I see the lives I stole," Jensen said in an empty voice. "I see accusations and blame in their eyes."

  Erika's shoulders hitched with a quiet sob next to me, and I wrapped my other arm around her. I felt tears gathering in my eyes as my heart ached for Jensen and his mother.

  "I want you to tell me what was going on when this picture was taken." David pointed to a picture of two boys whom I knew had to be Jordan and Jensen when they were kids. Jensen stared at the picture a very long time, his face impassive. I was starting to worry that he might be dissociating again.

  "D...Dad took us camping," Jensen finally spoke, his voice softening with emotion. "I was five, J...Jordan was nine."

  Erika moved toward her son, and I let her go, following closely to get a better look at the picture. The two boys were sitting side by side on a large boulder of some sort. They had an arm around each other, and their heads were pressed together with huge grins on their faces. Jordan was quite a bit taller than Jensen given their age difference, and the arm he had around his younger brother had a protective quality to it that was touching. Jensen looked so happy, and he had to be the most adorable five year old I had ever seen. He had always been beautiful.

  "Dad took us on a hike and took our picture on that rock," Jensen continued hoarsely, his voice wavering a little. "That was right before Dad figured out we were lost."

  Erika abruptly let out an amused snort. "Hugo never told me that," she said with a wan smile.

  "He made us swear never to tell you." Jensen actually smiled a little. I stared at him in shock. "He bribed us with new bicycles. I think he was embarrassed that Jordan got us back to camp instead of him." I smiled. He said his brother's name without a stammer or a pause.

  "Do you still see blame or any accusations in that picture?" David asked Jensen pointedly.

  "No," Jensen whispered. "I...I guess not."

  David proceeded to have Jensen describe the other photos. Slowly convincing him that they were pictures of the past, and not the painful things he had turned them into in his head. By the end, Jensen looked calmer than I had ever seen him in his mother's house. It was heartening to see.

  When we were finally done in the living room, David led us all outside, and we stopped in front of the side door of the detached garage. I glanced at Jensen to see him shaking his head slightly, his lips pressed together in a thin line. He stared at the closed door, his eyes filled with fear.

  "Talk to me Jensen," David said as he watched him closely. "What's going on in your head?"

  "I'm terrified to go in there," he told David. "Every time I do, I lose control. I don't want to lose myself again."

  "That's not going to happen this time," David replied firmly. "I won't let it."

  Jensen merely nodded a reply, his face still tense.

  "Come on," David said as he approached the door and opened it. Jensen's jaw clenched, and he walked in first with a determined expression. David followed close behind, while Erika and I entered and stopped a few feet inside the garage. The building was large enough to hold four vehicles, but there was only one inside right now. An absolutely gorgeous Corvette convertible sat in the second spot from the door. It was a deep dark purple with chrome accents. I loved it immediately. I thought it was the most beautiful car I had ever seen.

  "How do you feel now?" David prompted as he watched Jensen, who was standing stiffly a few yards from the Corvette.

  "I hurt," he said softly. "I hurt so much inside."

  "Why does it hurt?" David asked.

  "Everything in here reminds of them. We...we worked on all our cars in here."

  "Who's car is this?" David questioned him.

  "It...it was Dad's." Jensen said, his voice starting to break into sobs. "I feel so much guilt when I...I look at his car." The sobs started to turn into hyperventilating breaths. "He...he's dead because...because of me." He sank slowly to the floor, leaning forward as he panted for air. He started rocking back and forth. He started shaking his head. "No, no, no."

  David moved in and knelt down next to him, talking calmly and reassuringly. Jensen jerked away from him when he placed a hand on his shoulder, staggering to his feet. He turned to rush out of the building, but jerked to a halt when he saw his mother and I standing in front of him, blocking the door. He looked so angry and lost inside his own head, that I was afraid he might plow right through us. Sudden recognition flashed in his eyes when his gaze fell on mine, and then pain when he looked at his mother.

  "Mom. Sydney. Help me," he sobbed as tears coursed down his cheeks. He fell to his knees again, and Erika and I rushed forward. We knelt on either side of him, and wrapped him in our arms. He slumped forward, his body shuddering and hitching with his tears. "I'm sorry, Momma." His voice came out low and harsh, filled with self-loathing and pain. I felt my own hot tears pouring out of me as I pressed my face into his neck. I could hear his mom crying too. We all held each other as Jensen let his grief pour out of him, his sobs deep and painful, but somehow cathartic too.

  It took a long time for him to calm down, but when he finally did he seemed lighter, like he had actually let some of his pain go. He pulled away from our embrace, and looked from my face to his mother's then back to me again. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot, but he looked calmer now.

  "I want to go home now," he told me in a hoarse voice.

  "Alright, baby," I nodded as I wiped the leftover tears from my face.

  "Thank you," Erika said to her son.

  "For what?" Jensen asked as he looked at her in confusion.

  "For wanting me here for this today," she answered as she caressed his cheek. "I've felt so helpless not being able to help you with this."

  "I've missed you, Mom," he said as one more tear eased slowly down his left cheek.

  "Me too," she said as she wiped the lone tear away. "I love you, honey."

  "Love you to
o," he whispered as he wrapped his mother in his arms.

  I looked over to where David was still standing by the Corvette watching us. I gave him a small smile of gratitude. He smiled back at me, acknowledging me with a single nod, his eyes glassy with emotion. The tension I had sensed in him when he arrived here today was long gone now.

  Jensen let go of his mother and helped her to her feet, then offered me his hand to help me up too. He gripped my hand tightly as we left the garage. He held it all the way across the yard and around the house to the driveway. I don't think he wanted to deal with going through the house again today. David and Erika followed close behind talking quietly to each other.

  We said our good-byes to David and Erika, then climbed into the Camaro. Jensen was quiet as he drove us away from his mother's house, his face pensive and relaxed. A few minutes into the drive home, he reached over and took my hand in his, lacing our fingers together tightly.

  "Are you okay?" I asked, his silence worrying me a little.

  "I'm getting there, Sydney baby," he said in a quiet yet confident voice. "I'm getting there."

  He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my palm softly, and I let out the breath I didn't realized I'd been holding. We rode in silence again as I let him process everything that happened at his mom's house. I could see a hope in his eyes that I had never seen before, the same hope that I felt now too. It was liberating and exhilarating, and I just knew in my heart that eventually he would be okay. Our future together had never looked as bright as it did at this moment, and I smiled to myself the rest of the way home.

  **********

  Wednesday was horrible, just complete shit all day. I started my day tired and irritable from the two different nightmares that had woken me during the night. Jensen had calmed me down enough to go back to sleep after the first one, but after the second, I was wide awake for the last several hours before the alarm went off. It ended up being a relief when it finally went off at six. I was snippy and pissed off while we got ready for work, and I kept catching glimpses of Jensen's nervous eyes as he tiptoed around my temper. It annoyed the hell out of me.