Blue Dream

by Xavier Neal

  As soon as I'm on the other side of the threshold, I'm stopped by a junior girl I recognize from one of my electives. “Be careful, Presley. Ryder's here. And he’s not alone.”

  “Does he have his pet on a leash?” Carmen's remark gets a bunch of tipsy, catty girl laughs. We spot the two of them in the kitchen at the same time. “Guess not.”

  Carmen smirks and I can't help but smile too. Bambi is like that piece of food that's stuck in your teeth. You do everything you can to get rid of it, but it stays stuck, determined to ruin every meal you have until you can finally un-wedge it from that space brushing, flossing, and toothpicks can't reach. That is if you haven't destroyed your entire mouth in the process of trying to get it to just go the fuck away. Yup. That pretty much sums up Bambi.

  Before we have time to successfully get to the alcohol I know Carmen is dying to have, Bambi’s best friends turn their bodies to face me. Carmen announces, “Watch out. Stampede ahead.”

  A giggles escapes, which is when Bambi drunkenly storms over to me, dragging Ryder the entire way behind her. I try not to make eye contact. I try not to let my jealousy over the fact she is holding the hand I was holding yesterday show. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Making a birthday cake,” I sarcastically state and fold my arms. “What does it look like?”

  She mimics my action. “You need to leave.”

  My eyebrows rise as Arik comes around the corner with two plastic cups in his hand. “Who died and made you queen of the party?”

  “Arik doesn’t want you here,” Bambi snaps looking up at me.

  Carmen backs me, “Oh really? Let’s ask him.” She smirks over her shoulder,” Hey Arik? You want Pres to go?”

  “Of course not! She’s welcomed here,” he drunkenly chuckles. “It's a fucking party! All people are welcomed here!”

  The crowd cheers a little at his words while my eyes glance over Ryder who’s standing so close to her it knots my stomach. His body language is all wrong. It's screaming he wants her. That he wants to be that close to her. Suddenly his arm falls around her shoulder in a protective fashion, which forces the sanity inside to snap.

  “Guess that means you need to leave.” I point to her. “Ryder, next time try to remember, tie her up outside.”

  The crowd laughs including Arik, which infuriates her. “You’re just jealous because I'm holding onto the man you couldn't. Obviously I can do something right.”

  Unexpected rage hits the jealousy that was already lingering. In a loud, sassy voice I say, “You got me there 7-11. Thanks to those legs of yours that never close, I highly doubt you’ll ever have to worry about him leaving, just about the diseases you’re giving him.” The crowd that's gathered laughs again. “Way to help keep Planned Parenthood in business.”

  This time when they laugh, she huffs, storms off with her friends and Ryder, whose eyes I never met, behind her.

  Appalled by my own behavior, I feel an uncomfortable vibe coursing through my veins. My mouth waters for something to erase the foul taste in it. She may be a pain in the ass, my least favorite person next to Nathan, and a pathetic excuse for a human, but she didn't deserve public ridicule from me no matter how much she egged it on. That's not my style. That's...not me.

  All of a sudden Arik appears directly beside us. “How about a victory shot? After all, that round had to go to you.”

  “Oh…I hadn’t planned on drinking,” I confess and give Carmen a look. “But Carmen will take the shot. She's almost as clever as me.”

  She rolls her eyes, but smiles wide. “Go ahead. I’m driving. You deserve it.”

  “But-”

  “Take the shot, Pres. Loosen up a little. Have some fun. Besides, banging Mike is something I wanna do sober.”

  We move just a couple feet over to where a tray of bright red Jell-O shots are waiting. Figuring one won't do me in, I take it from Arik, cheers with him, and down it, surprised at the smoothness of it. I've never been a big drinker. Not a huge fan of the taste of alcohol, but these are killer. Arik lifts another shot and insists we cheers to how much better I am than Bambi as a person. Then to how annoying she is. Lastly we do a crowd cheers to Arik for being the greatest host. Four shots in ten minutes is a bit much, but I can barely feel them. Something tells me it's going to be a long night.

  The two of us make rounds in the party saying hi to more people, but really searching for Mike who hasn't arrived yet from what we can tell. Carmen's frustrations lead her to tug on my arm. “Come on, I want go smoke a cig.”

  Feeling like the fresh air might do me some good to the humming now floating through my system, I simply nod. Just as we're almost out the door, Blaze grabs my arm. “There you are. Let's dance.”

  “No,” Carmen declines. “She's gonna hang out with me while I smoke.”

  “Can't you smoke alone?”

  “Can't you dance alone?”

  “I wanna dance with my woman.”

  Not sure if I'm more disgusted by the vodka burp or his words, I scrunch my face.

  “If you wanted to dance with her, you wouldn't have spent the last thirty minutes jerking off with you friends. Now excuse us.” Carmen pulls me away, the look on Blaze's face almost saddening. Almost. Carmen has a point. This is the first time I've seen him since we came together. We passed by him drinking a beer with some people, but he didn't seem to give a shit where I was. To be fair....neither did I.

  On the front porch, Carmen scares away some freshman that are occupying the space she wants. Once they're gone, we lean our asses against the pillar. For some reason this music seems to be even more amazing now than it was. All I wanna do is dance. But not yet. Soon. Maybe after another drink?

  While swiveling my head around to the rap song, my eyes catch Ryder in an upstairs window. It's his profile. God, even that is sexy.

  Giggling I point. “Look there’s Ryder.”

  Carmen follows my finger. “Ugh. Asshole. Oh! I hear he does coke now.”

  My brain can barely process the words. “Wait. What?”

  “I heard it in chemistry.” She ashes her cigarette. “Apparently, both of them do.”

  Uncontrollably my brain flashes back to a couple weeks ago when Ryder gripped me too tight. I knew something was wrong then. They say coke can make you violent, but....no....that's not him. That's not my Ryder. Besides, he'd tell me. He tells me everything. “Nah. Come on. Now Ryder's done some dumb shit but-”

  “Like break up with you? Like date her? Like fuck her and her friends while on X? Yeah, Ryder's done some dumb shit. That just joins the list.”

  In disbelief I whisper, “God, I swear it’s like he's two different people.”

  “Like cool pot smoking Ryder or stupid expensive drug Ryder?” Her sarcasm causes my face to finally pull away from staring at him. “By the way, speaking of pot heads, you do know Blaze blazes, right?”

  Feeling my buzz start to die and more irritation start to rise I snap, “He told me he stopped.”

  “Yeah he tells you a lot of things.” She shakes her head and blows smoke out of the side of her mouth. “You date some of the most pathetic liars.”

  I try to remain calm. “Enlighten me.”

  “Last weekend, when he told you he was working on lyrics for their weird mix tape thing, they were actually playing basketball. I dropped by to fool around with Eli. Boy's got a mouth that could make my mom's Black and Decker jealous.”

  “Gross.”

  “Amazing. Anyway, last Tuesday, when he told you he wasn’t feeling well, he was really with his idiot friends and Ava at the bowling alley. I went with Tracey who apparently is seeing the shoe rental guy. Daddy issues.” Before I can process that she continues, “Oh and just yesterday when he refused to take you to dinner because he had to practice for tonight's show, they stopped practicing once you left and started playing Xbox. I only know that because I was waiting for Eli to bail so he could keep me from getting cobwebs.”

  Unsure if it's the disgust of the n
ew sexual information or the now exposed lies from two people I've been seeing, my jaw hits the ground.

  “I would've told you earlier, but you've been tutoring a lot lately.”

  My automatic cover lie for when I wanna sneak away to be with Ryder. He even helped me go the distance of keeping the fake persona alive, by putting the name in casual discussions, claiming that the non-existent girl is from another school. He says anything that helps keep us alive. Yet with all the shit he's doing behind my back and not being honest about, I have to wonder if maybe I'm the lie and that's the real him.

  “I’m gonna kill him.”

  “Whoa. Whoa. Whoa cowgirl.” Carmen insists putting her cigarette out. “You can do better than that. I've taught you better than that. Handle Blaze, the Carmen way.”

  “Threaten to burn his eyes out with my cigarette if he steps too close to my car?”

  She contemplates briefly before denying, “No. Show him, he can't make a fool of you because you're better than him. He's the charity case. Not you.”

  Nodding in agreement, I let the emotions about Ryder settle as well create a new familiar sensation in my body. My stomach rumbles. My taste buds crave to be caressed. More Jell-O. “I need more liquor.”

  “That a girl,” Carmen encourages looping her arm through mine.

  We stroll back into the party and straight for the kitchen where, more shots find their way down my throat. A couple Jell-O, a couple tequila, which burn, and a few mixed ones that remind me of butterscotch candy. Those are my new favorite.

  The moment it feels like my 'Give A Fuck' meter has dropped again, I grab the hand of the cutest boy in the kitchen and drag him to dance in the living room where everyone else seems to be trying to have sex with their clothes on. With the music loud to an oddly soothing point, I grind my body against his. Our hips keep knocking to the beat. My eyes shut as I get lost in the momentary numbness. It feels good to be so empty. It feels good not to care.

  Unexpectedly, he pulls me closer and states in my ear, “Brandon.”

  “Presley,” I say back.

  Opening my eyes to get another look at the guy who resembles a more attractive Ashton Kutcher, I also witness Blaze's face that's wound so tight I wanna pop it to watch him fly around the room like a balloon animal. He thought he could make a joke out of me? I deserve better. I am better. My eyes attach to his as I roll my body into Brandon's. His hard on reminds me that I am sexy. That I can have any guy I want. Whenever I want.

  Finally winding down from the buzz of my last shots, or so it feels, I slowly stop dancing. Brandon, who is more adorable by the blink asks, “Can I get you another drink?”

  “How about another shot?”

  “I can do that,” he answers, leading me back towards the kitchen by the hand.

  With a glance over my shoulder, I tilt my head to Carmen to make herself that way. Blaze who is still at her side makes his way the same direction. I don't know why. There's nothing in here for him or his out of date rhymes. Seriously, who matches, make out and fall out? That's not even trying!

  Thankful there's empty room on the counter, I hop myself up with a little help from Brandon. Grabbing a lime from the cutting board beside me I prepare myself for the tequila I know that's coming.

  “Here you are,” he smiles hopping on the counter beside me as Carmen leans on the wall seconds before Bambi and Ryder walk back into the kitchen. I don't wanna be anywhere near him or her for that matter. All the people that annoy me in one room makes me feel like I need a double instead of a single.

  Bambi places her hand on her hip. “Aren’t you a little too fat to be on the counter?”

  Looking her up and down, I'm a little surprised when the whole room turns to hear my comeback. It's strange, but there's a special tingle from having an audience. I like it. Might as well use them to my advantage. I point a finger at her and look around, “Um...Arik you forgot to take the trash out.”

  The crowd laughs. Brandon and I clink our glasses before we down the shots.

  As I suck the juice from the lime, she snips, “No matter how much you drink, no one thinks you get any prettier.”

  “And no matter how much coke you snort, you don’t get any thinner.” The moment the words are out of my mouth I know I've gone too far. That's not the kind of shit I should throw out there like that. Not the ammunition I need. Hell, I don't actually need any. All she has to do is open her mouth and she assassinates herself. What am I doing?

  Through the snickers and giggles, I hear her whine, “Ryder, say something!”

  Beyond pissed off at the fact he's keeping even more things from me than I can fathom, I push when I know I shouldn't. “Yeah, Ryder. Say something.”

  His eyes are screaming he doesn’t want to get into it, but it's too late. The damage is done. The guns are drawn. He could've left this battle any time, just like me. Only difference is, up until this moment, I had been dumb enough to soak the shit he had been dribbling.

  I watch his Adam's apple bob. His blue eyes that just yesterday promised to love me until we were old and senile, now glazed over. I'm not sure if it's from drugs, alcohol, or the less than ideal situation we've fallen into. Actually, I'm not sure I care.

  “She’s just jealous, she’ll never be as good as you at anything.” The sexual indication is front and center.

  “You’re probably right.” I nod tossing my lime in the sink. “It’s hard to beat a pro, but I applaud her because a blow job is still a job.” When the crowd laughs, I swipe a Jell-O shot from the tray that's within reach and raise it. “A shot, dedicated to the working class girl.”

  As liquor rushes down my throat, I hear Ryder state, “At least her pussy didn’t smell like Joe’s Crab Shack.”

  Hurt, my jaw slides open, and I fire back with, “Why would it? The combination of cum would give it a completely different aroma.”

  Too far. All this is going way too far.

  The crowd goes crazy crowning me once more winner of the battle, which pushes Bambi and Ryder out of the area. I raise the filled shot glass I don't remember grabbing, and lift it. “Champion!”

  “Champion!” They echo back.

  I shoot the tequila and let it burn its way down my throat. The guilt over everything I knew I had no business saying, the emotional pain I've caused the pawn that is Bambi, and adding to the turmoil I know that tears at Ryder is washed away once more. At least for now. To my surprise, Brandon slips a lime in his mouth before he points to it insisting I suck it out. With a giggle and grin, I do.

  “Okay Pres, I think you’ve had plenty.” Carmen sighs as she helps me down.

  Blaze shoves his hands in his pockets. “I’ll say so.”

  “Bye Brandon.” I wave seductively at him. “Call me tomorrow.”

  “You bet,” he sighs while watching me stroll away.

  Did I even give him my phone number?

  The three of us meet Eli and James at the front door. Together we head for the parked cars. Doing my best to walk without falling, I try to sober up a bit. It doesn't take long before I realize it's pointless. Eli and James get in Eli's car announcing their plans to go check on Nathan, but Blaze declines harshly, insisting that Carmen will take him home since he lives on the way to her house.

  As soon as I'm buckled in her car, Blaze leans around my seat. “You have fun?”

  I drunkenly nod. “Uh-huh.”

  “Do you think you did anything that maybe you shouldn’t have?”

  “No-huh,” I quickly deny, nausea setting in from the bumps on the dirt road that lead to Arik's mansion. It's so big, Barbie would trade her Dream House for it.

  Blaze tries to raise his voice, “Really? So-”

  “You're very loud,” I complain, holding a hand up to his face. “Lower it less than megaphone or shut the hell up.”

  Carmen laughs while she lights her cigarette.

  “You think this shit is funny?” He snaps at her.

  “I think it's hilarious,” she clarifies. �
��Snap at me again and walk your Slim Shady road dog ass home.”

  When I chuckle he returns his anger my direction. I know it's deserved, but between the high from all the attention, the liquor, and inability to understand why all guys I date feel they have to lie to me, I just don't seem to care. “You think it's okay to grind on some kid in front of me or party all night without me-”

  “You were there.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  My body whips around. “Do I?”

  “I can’t believe you’re acting like this, Presley.”

  “You mean like you?” I point to him my head bobbing around. “You can’t believe I blew you off all night around my friend the way you do me every day of the week? You can’t believe I got drunk, because you didn’t know I could drink just like I didn’t know you still smoke weed? Or you can’t believe I let Brandon get that close to my face and in my space knowing I have a boyfriend? Kind of the way Ava is always on your lap or how you two have little play dates you didn’t think I knew about?”