by Judy Nickles
When everything looked settled, she wrote to Neil.
I took him to my doctor for a check-up. He’s underweight and a little anemic, but otherwise he’s okay. The doctor gave him a tonic, and I’m working with him every night to help him catch up in school. His teacher says he’s smart and works hard. He likes school and is making friends. My neighbor, Mrs. Aikman, walks to the school to meet him every afternoon. It’s just a few blocks, but I don’t feel comfortable letting him walk all the way by himself just yet. He stays with her until I get home right after four. I just told her I was taking care of him for a friend overseas. These days, everybody wants to do something “for the boys,” so she’s agreeable and doesn’t ask questions.
On Saturdays, when I only have to work half a day, he stays here and listens to the radio or plays with his toys. (I’m not sure he ever had any before. He puts them in a box in the closet every night as if he’s afraid they’ll disappear!) He knows he can go to Mrs. Aikman if he needs anything. I think he must have spent a lot of time by himself, because he doesn’t seem to need people around all the time, and he doesn’t get into trouble when he’s alone.
I know the big question in your mind is why I’m doing this. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you Kent told me, on his last night, that Jonny could be his, even though he still insisted he wasn’t. But his name is on the birth certificate Mrs. Peters sent along with Jonny, and the lawyer, who helped me take care of the paperwork, said that makes it official from a legal standpoint. When Kent comes home—and I’m going to believe he will—we’ll just have to work things out from there.
Meanwhile, Jonny’s happy and taken care of, and every child has a right to all that and more.
Neil wrote back saying he wasn’t going to tell his mother about Jonny “for obvious reasons.” He and Kay were getting married on Christmas Eve after church services. He thanked Celeste for what she was doing and said he’d be in touch as soon as they heard more about Kent. Celeste was sure she read Thank goodness she dumped the boy on you and not me between the terse lines.
Celeste and Jonny went back to Sterling City for Christmas. Watching his face light up on Christmas Eve over a new robe and slippers, then over a toy truck and a stocking full of fruit, nuts, and candy from Santa Claus the next morning, Celeste put away her last doubt about the wisdom of taking responsibility for the little boy. “He’s mine now,” she told Pearl while she helped get Christmas dinner on the table. “Sometimes it seems like I’ve always had him.”
Pearl patted her arm. “Love is what makes a family, Celeste. Being a parent isn’t easy, but it’s worth every ounce of effort.”
“I still wonder if I can do everything I need to do, especially when he gets older.”
“All you can do is try. And who knows? Maybe Kent will step in to help.”
“I don’t think about that, Pearl. I know Coralee told you he left with things pretty strained between us.”
“If the two of you really love each other…”
“Maybe we just thought we did. People don’t always think sensibly during a war, do they?”
“You were sensible not to rush into a hasty marriage.”
“And not so sensible to take Jonny.”
“I wouldn’t say that at all. It seems to me that things are working out very well for the two of you.”
Celeste stepped back and surveyed the place settings, adjusting a stray spoon beside the sugar bowl. “Well, for good or ill, he’s mine, Pearl, and I’m going to take care of him the best I can.”
****
It snowed on New Year’s Eve. The next morning she helped Jonny build a snowman in the front yard. The phone was ringing when they came inside. “I’ll get it,” Jonny yelled, barreling toward the hall.
Celeste grabbed him by the collar of his coat. “Uh-huh, hotshot. You go get out of those wet clothes, and put them on a chair in front of the gas heater in the kitchen.”
“Aw, Cece!”
“Go.” She picked up the phone.
“He’s alive,” Neil yelled. “Kent’s alive!”
“He’s…oh, Neil! Oh, thank You, God!” She began to tremble.
“He bailed out just over the border in Holland, and the Dutch resistance hid him from the Germans. I don’t know all the details, but he’s on his way back to England now. At least, I think he is. The letter was pretty vague, but we’re supposed to get another one.”
She slid to the floor and cradled the phone against her. “Are they sure it’s him?”
“I hope so. I’ve never given up hope that he’s coming home.”
“Coming home,” Celeste murmured.
“Celeste, are you going to write him about Jonny?”
“I’ll have to.”
“Mother knows about him now. I think she ran into Mrs. Peters somewhere, and the woman threw it in her face. Then she got it out of me that I knew and…oh, well. Same song, second verse. Or maybe the needle’s just stuck.”
“It was the best thing that could’ve happened for Jonny.”
“Do you really think…I mean, you’ve had him a while now…is there anything about him that reminds you of Kent?”
“Not really. He looks like his mother.”
“But you think he’s Kent’s son.”
“I don’t know what I think, Neil, but I guess I’ve kind of wished it. Wished for something left of Kent if the worst happened.”
“Do you need any help? Money, I mean. Kay and I can send you a little every month.”
“We’re all right.”
“Will you let me know if you need anything?”
“Yes, thanks, Neil. That’s kind of you.”
“Kent’s my brother, and if Jonny might be part of him, well…”
“I understand.”
“My brother’s a good man, Celeste. One mistake doesn’t condemn him forever.”
“I was the one who condemned him, and now it’s too late.”
“Are you sure? I know Kent loves you. He wrote to me about the fight you had the night before he left. It tore him up.”
“I thought I knew him, but I realize now I hadn’t looked deep enough. I didn’t know myself, either. Jonny’s made a big difference.”
“Maybe Kent’ll get sent home now. Like I said, we’re supposed to get another letter soon. This one just had the basic information, just what I told you. But I’ll let you know as soon as another one comes.”
“Thank you, Neil. You’re a good brother. A good friend.”
Neil didn’t answer her right away. “I said a few things to him that I regret, too, Celeste. He deserved more from me after all the years he put me first.” He took a breath and blew it out. “You take care of yourself. Everything will work out.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
With Jonny tucked in for the night, Celeste sat down at the desk and took out a box of stationery. No time like the present. At least he’s alive. Whatever happens between us doesn’t really matter as long as he’s alive. Words flowed from her pen with amazing ease, but when she re-read the letter, she knew Kent would struggle to understand what she’d said.
Dear Kent,
Neil just called to tell me that you’re alive and well and on your way back to England. Neither of us ever gave up hope. Maybe you’ll be coming home soon. There are some things I need to tell you first, so here goes.
Mrs. Peters quite literally dumped Jonny on my doorstep one cold Sunday morning about three months ago. He wasn’t dressed for the weather, and he was hungry. It took me about five minutes to decide I was going to keep him, not so much for you, Kent, as for me. Jonny and I have something important in common—both of us were thrown away. You see, my mother left the man I called Daddy, and he took her back—and me with her. That’s why he had no use for me after she died. I didn’t tell you before, because I thought you’d be shocked. And, I was ashamed, even though it wasn’t my fault.
Big Ben’s lawyer drove to Brownwood and got Mrs. Peters to sign papers giving me guardianship. Whether you’re
his father or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that a little boy is safe, well-cared for, and happy, and I’ve found a new way to look at my own situation—and at yours as well.
When you come home, maybe we can start over for ourselves and for Jonny. At the very least, you’re legally his father because your name is on his birth certificate. Mr. Colley says you can give up your parental rights to me, if that’s what you want to do. Whatever you decide about us, I’ll accept. I don’t have any right to expect anything from you.
I ran into Pete Frame, the boy I used to date in high school. He met someone in Virginia where he went for training. Her name is Alice, and he says she reminds him of me—except, of course, she’s a real outdoors type like he is. We talked a long time, and I told him about you. Not everything, just that I felt like I’d messed things up between us by expecting you to be perfect. He set me straight on a few things, and I appreciated it. That was the same afternoon I came home and found the telegram from Neil saying you were missing in action.
I’ve had a long time to think about that last night and how it might’ve been different. Then, of course, there’s Jonny, and he’s made a big difference in my life. I’m totally responsible for another human being besides myself. Sometimes I think he’s six going on forty. He’s a good little kid and doing well in school despite his late start.
Anyway, we’re getting along just fine, and I can’t imagine not having him around. But I’d like to have you around, too.
Take care of yourself, Kent.
All my love,
Velvet
Celeste marked the first letter she’d written Read First before tucking it in with the second.
“I don’t have any illusions that we’re going to live happily ever after,” Celeste told Coralee. “He has every right to wash his hands of me. Of both of us.”
“If he does, it’s his loss. The important thing is, Jonny’s all right, and you’ve changed almost overnight. I can’t call you ‘baby girl’ now. You’re a full-fledged woman.”
“Kent had a problem with that nickname. I guess I was more like your baby than your sister. Anyway, I’ve come a long way from thinking that a blue velvet dress can change my life.”
“In a way, it did.”
“Maybe it did. Anyway, that’s in the past.”
“Don’t give up on the future, Cece. I believe in it for you.”
****
When Celeste didn’t hear from Kent, she wrote to Neil. “We haven’t heard from him either,” he wrote back. “Maybe he’s not getting our letters. That happens sometimes. But I’ll call you when I hear from him.”
By spring, Celeste decided that the whole thing was a false alarm, even a terrible mistake. Kent might still be missing somewhere. Or, he might be so badly injured that he couldn’t communicate. Whatever the reason for his silence, a hopelessness settled over her, threatening her new-found confidence. She was glad for the diversion created by Jonny’s cheerful presence. Sometimes she wondered if she had what it took to keep up with a little boy who seemed to be growing every day.
****
At the end of May, Celeste asked off early to attend Jonny’s end-of-school program. Wearing long pants and a crisp white shirt with a bow tie he’d picked out himself, he recited “Twenty Froggies Went to School” without a hitch. Celeste smiled until her face ached.
“Change your clothes and go out and play before supper,” she said, opening the mailbox and the door at the same time. Her fingers closed around a single envelope, a letter from Kent.
“I’m hungry, Cece.”
“I’ll fix supper early.” She had to retrieve the letter when it dropped from her trembling fingers. “Go change clothes, and don’t forget to hang up your shirt.”
“I worked hard today. Don’t you think maybe I could have a cookie?”
“One.”
“Where are they?” The unmasked triumph in his voice brought a smile to Celeste’s face despite her anxiety.
“Behind the box of oatmeal in the pantry. Just one, you understand?”
“Sure.” He took off in the direction of the kitchen.
“Uh-uh. After you change clothes.”
“Aw, Cece.”
“And hang up your shirt.”
“Heard you the first time,” he muttered, hunching his shoulders and turning toward his bedroom.
Closing the door of her room, she sat down on the bed and ripped one end from the envelope.
Dear Velvet,
I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner. All my mail got tied up somewhere while I was hiding from the Krauts, and it only caught up with me last week. I was really happy to get your letters, and I read the first one first like you said. I read it three times, as a matter of fact, and thought, “Well, everything’s going to be all right now.” Then I opened the second one.
What Mrs. Peters did was ignorant and mean, but that’s about what I’d expect from her. And I’d expect you to help the boy out the way you did—but not keep him. I admitted to you that he could be mine, but something inside me says he isn’t. Even if he is, I wouldn’t want to do more than just make sure he was provided for. Claudia had some nerve giving him my name. I guess she thought it would make me give in and marry her, but she reckoned wrong.
I know none of this is the boy’s fault, but in a way, it’s not mine either, especially since there’s no way to prove he’s mine. A blood test would only prove he wasn’t, and I don’t mind doing that. But even if all it says is that I might be the father, I don’t want him.
You said in your letter that the two of you had something in common. I’m glad you finally told me about your father—or rather, the man you thought was your father. Now you know it was him with the problem, not you. It doesn’t make any difference to me, Velvet. I love you for yourself, not who or what your parents were or weren’t.
I love you, and I want to marry you, but I won’t raise Claudia’s child. We can find him a good place.
Please write again soon.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Kent
The excitement of the day faded as a cold, dead weight settled in the pit of Celeste’s stomach. Kent had the right to feel the way he did, but how could he dismiss her feelings so easily? I love Jonny. It seems like I’ve been part of his life forever. I can’t throw him away again. I won’t. Oh, Kent, if I don’t hold Jonny against you, then you shouldn’t hold him against me.
They ate supper on the porch, and Celeste let Jonny stay up later than usual. He’d earned a nickel for sweeping Mrs. Aikman’s porch, steps, and walk, and used it to buy a new comic book. Celeste could still see the joy in his eyes when the woman tousled his hair and told him he did a good job, then handed him the nickel. But when she had finally tucked him into bed, she couldn’t put off the inevitable.
Sitting down at the desk, she wrote,
Dear Kent,
Knowing that you still love me and are willing to forgive my blind judgment, just as I’m willing to forgive your youthful misstep, makes me very happy. “We’ll find him a good place,” you say. He’s a little boy, not a puppy. Whether he’s yours or not, he’s mine. I’ve had him for almost seven months. He’s a bright, sensitive child, and even with a bad start, he caught up in a hurry. These days he doesn’t look as “old” to me as he used to when he first came.
I love him, and I think he returns all my affection. Don’t ask me to explain, because I can’t. It just happened, and I’m not sorry. If marrying you means giving him up, I can’t do it. You have to know I won’t change my mind. Whatever happens, I want permanent custody of him, and according to Mr. Colley, you’re the only one who can give it to me. He says a judge is likely to hold my being single against me, so I’ll find Jonny a father if that’s what it takes to keep him. That’s not a threat, Kent. It’s just the way it is. Now that I have confidence in my ability to be a parent, surely I can be a good wife to someone.
If you don’t write again, I’ll understand. I love you and want
you to have everything in life that will make you happy. I just wish there was some way to work all this out so that all of us could be happy together.
Velvet
That no more letters came from Kent didn’t really surprise her. She was glad to have other things on her mind, like finding someone to watch Jonny five days a week during the summer months. Even though he stayed by himself on Saturday mornings, she didn’t like the idea of leaving him at loose ends every day from eight to four. Fortunately, the school principal’s fourteen-year-old daughter thought fifty cents a day was a fortune, especially when Jonny practically took care of himself. The extra money going out made Celeste look for more ways to cut corners, but it had to be done.
“We’ll manage,” she told Coralee when she offered to help. “I don’t have rent or utilities, just groceries and what Jonny needs in the way of clothes. He’s growing so fast.”
In June, when the Allies invaded Europe at Normandy, she wondered if Kent had been on one of the bombers that “softened up” the beaches before the first troops landed. For a day or two, she thought of asking Neil, but as she hadn’t heard from him again either, she decided it would be better to let things go.
Churchill said the invasion wasn’t the beginning of the end but rather “the end of the beginning.” Some people said the war could go on another five years. Mrs. Lowe said so long was unthinkable. “All those boys. We can’t lose all those boys.”
Jonny turned seven in August and started second grade in September with a wild enthusiasm that warmed Celeste’s heart. In October, the Standard Times carried Pete Frame’s picture and the notice of his death somewhere in France. Celeste cried until the newspaper was soggy with her streaming tears.
“Gee, Cece, I don’t want you to cry,” Jonny crooned as he leaned against her shoulder. “I wish I could go fight those mean old Nazis. I’d fix ’em.”
She grabbed him with a terror she knew he could feel. “I hope there won’t be any more wars, not for you to fight.”
He squirmed. “But I would. I’d bomb those bad guys and blow ’em up clear to the sky.”
“No more killing,” she said, her tears beginning again. “No more, no more, no more.”
