The Game of Desire

by Shannon Boodram

  I ended the meeting by issuing a multiple-choice form that allowed participants to assess their ability on a scale from one to ten to attract, connect, influence, seduce and flirt. This form provided the framework for what was ahead but also created a marker to assess how far each had come in the end. Predictably, there were a lot of fives and no tens in their submissions. Also, somewhat notably, Courtney scored herself the highest and Pricilla scored herself the lowest. The yang, and the yin.

  LATER THAT WEEK, I INVITED THE GROUP OUT TO AN INFORMAL MEETUP AS A new dating app, Crown, was throwing a launch party in West Hollywood. When I arrived at the venue the line to get in practically wrapped around the street, a testament to the dire dating scene in Los Angeles.

  Cherise and Pricilla were unable to make this event, which left Courtney, Deshawn, Stephanie, Maya and me standing in a small group on the large rooftop that overlooked the massive city.

  After everyone had said their initial hellos and gotten drinks, a lull hung over us that seemed amplified by the bustling mixer happening at our heels. I pointed to a clip in Maya’s hair. “Are those lizards?”

  She smiled with gums. I looked around at the group; aside from Courtney, who wore a black and white ensemble with black lipstick, no one was really dressed for a singles’ party.

  “Shan Boody?” asked a man in bright colors.

  I nodded.

  “I thought I recognized you. I love your work,” he said, then looked over my shoulder at the group.

  Taking his cue, I introduced him to everyone. “These are my girls Deshawn, Courtney, Stephanie and Maya.”

  “Hey, wassup, ladies?” he said, smiling and leaning in.

  The group smiled back politely, said one word each, then pivoted their bodies away as if they had to get back to some top-secret discussion.

  He nodded a few times then said, “Cool, nice to meet everyone,” and left.

  Courtney craned her neck and looked around the party. “Let’s move away from the entrance.”

  I let her lead and purposefully followed at the back of the group, so I could take my time and see who would be valuable, or at least entertaining, for us to talk to. Sometimes that single act of making direct and intentional eye contact can open the door to conversation. And not just any kind of eye contact; there’s a formula to this. Avoiding eye contact can signify disrespect, disinterest or fear; looking someone directly in the eyes can be interpreted as respect or politeness; but a mix of both can indicate attraction. So, if you want someone to know you’re interested, look them in the eye, then once you have them on the hook, let your attention trail down to their body before meeting their gaze with a smile again. We’ll call this the sexy triangle.

  As we walked, I caught and kept the eye of a tall, handsome man with blond hair and cute style. I triangled him until we got very close, then he stopped me. “Those are not your real eyes.”

  I raised my eyebrows to let him know I got his game. That comment was a classic neg, which is an introductory move referenced in pickup artistry. A neg is a comment that is just as much a compliment as it is an insult. For example, those are not your real eyes is equal parts wow, your eyes are out of this world to you’re a phony and you’re not fooling anyone. Negs are designed to keep you talking by making you feel like you need to win the other person over. But in my case, I kept talking to him because I wanted to bring him over.

  “I’ll tell you if my eyes are real, if you tell me your real name.”

  His name was Eric and after I briefly explained I was with a group of single women who needed warming up, he agreed to come meet them. I walked with him in tow until I found the others, who were now standing near a table at the edge of the party. I introduced them all to Eric, then tried to get some light convo going but it didn’t really catch. Maya backed up and sat down, Deshawn went on her phone and Courtney continued to scan the room looking for a better destination. Stephanie went back and forth for a bit with him about her experiences on dating apps, but I noticed when she talked to him, she looked around, not at, him. Even though Stephanie was more than likely doing it because she was nervous, the wandering eye gives off the impression that you are looking for someone better to talk to, and no one wants to feel like a placeholder. In truth, most people can’t really tell the difference between shyness and rudeness, because both include closed body language, avoidant eyes and incomplete answers.

  “Do you plan on joining Crown? It seems pretty interesting,” Eric asked Stephanie.

  “It’s hard to say . . .” She trailed off, effectively killing the conversation.

  But perhaps that was her goal and if so, she played it well because within seconds he gave some excuse about needing to find his friends, then left.

  A better way to finesse it if you have the attention of someone that isn’t your type is to be fun and engaging then teasingly ask where their friends are. Once they respond, offer to go over to meet them too. If you don’t like any of their friends or they don’t have any, move on to the next group. Meeting new people is a lot like moving through the jungle: it’s easier to swing from tree to tree when you have some momentum. Everyone wants to talk to the popular girl.

  On our way out, we passed directly by Eric, who didn’t even make polite eye contact this time. I looked back over my shoulder and watched him engage happily in a spirited conversation with a group of singles who were ready to mingle. Which evidently Deshawn, Courtney, Stephanie and Maya were not.

  Phase One: Know

  PART ONE

  Know who you’ve become by identifying the core traits of your intimate self. This includes being fully aware of your strengths, weaknesses, blind spots and patterns.

  3

  How Do You Like Your Love?

  When I do keynote speeches, I have an activity where I ask the crowd to turn to the person beside them to describe, in detail, how they like their coffee or tea made. Next, I ask them to explain to that same neighbor how they love and like to be loved. Naturally people excel at the former but despite the level of education in the room, few have the language to effectively explain the latter.

  One man once said, “I’m a mirror image of my dog. So, if you want to know what I’m like, spend time with him.”

  In other words, this man believed that a dog was more capable of expressing his intimate needs than he was. Isn’t it crazy that even though we are told communication is the key to healthy relationships, few people know what the hell to say?

  Now that the introductions and icebreaking meetups were out of the way, it was time to officially kick off the program by ensuring my group would not fall victim to this mistake. I sent Pricilla, Cherise, Courtney, Deshawn, Stephanie and Maya the “Self-Summary Workbook,” which was comprised of quizzes, activities and essay questions to help them gain the language to understand themselves on an advanced level.

  The very next day Deshawn sent back an email titled Done that had a three-page document attached. I forwarded her and everyone else my own workbook, which was twenty-six pages, then instructed them that their completed file had to look more, not less, like mine.

  That’s when things started to go downhill.

  It took a full two weeks for everyone to complete their workbooks; two long, painstaking, harassing weeks of follow-ups and encouragement. This was not remotely how I envisioned our kickoff, but in the group’s defense this intensive, self-evaluating homework wasn’t the how-to-seduce-anyone crash course they’d hoped for. Just like when someone signs up for karate what they’re saying yes to is chopping through wood and kicking through walls of brick. No one is there because they’re pumped about the weeks of class and mental work that come before you throw a single punch.

  But that doesn’t make the prep work any less important. As a matter of fact, if you do nothing else that this book says to do, do the workbook alongside us.

  ON THE DAY WE MET TO REVIEW THEIR COMPLETED WORKBOOKS, I CLEANED my apartment top to bottom, lit all my candles, and by 7:15 P.M. we were off
to a decent start with all six participants seated and ready to rock. Cherise was the last to arrive and since she missed our first group session and our casual outing, I began by giving her the floor to introduce herself to the group.

  “Hey, I’m Cherise, I work in business, I’m probably the oldest person here but I’m carefree and fun as fuck.” She wore a long black skirt, a black tank top, heavy gold jewelry and a mischievous smile. “I’m pretty close to moving to the countryside to find my husband because the men in big cities are all trash. So I guess I’m trying this out first before I book that plane ticket.”

  Everyone laughed and then welcomed her. Cherise hadn’t finished the workbook yet and of course she’d missed the first two sessions, so I had begun to question whether we needed a sixth participant at all. But her intro gave me hope that she might prove to be the final two shakes of Tabasco sauce that our gumbo of a group would’ve been lackluster without.

  When the laughter and hugs died down, I crossed my arms and lowered my voice to give the group the speech I’d been planning for the past week: “I understand your first assignment wasn’t easy nor was it fun but I do want to make it clear that I never want to hound you to respond to messages again. A quote you’re going to hear me say thousands of times is, the key to happiness is managing expectations, and my only expectation from you is communication. You don’t have to do the assignments, you don’t have to show up to every meetup, but to participate, you do have to communicate with me. If you’re busy and need more time to finish something, say something. If you can’t do that, you shouldn’t have said yes to any of this.”

  Predictably the room was very still but these moments of discomfort were a small price to pay for less overall stress on my end. This is an important lesson on the early stages of forming relationships of any kind: if you notice a trend you don’t like, call it out. The sooner you make your standards clear, the easier it gets to do this as new conflicts arise. In short, it’s fairly straightforward to adjust new behaviors, but breaking long-term patterns can be back-(or heart-) breaking work. I need you to really understand this if you’re going to have a shot at a fulfilling love life: you cannot avoid confrontation. If you don’t do it externally you will end up doing it internally. And the absolute last thing that I wanted to do was spend my summer arguing with the participants in my head.

  With the tough love out of the way, I uncrossed my arms and lifted my cheeks. “So how did everyone feel about their workbooks?”

  Almost every single person admitted the process was time-consuming, emotional but overall extremely powerful.

  “This is the first time I’d ever spent this much time getting to know myself,” shared Pricilla. “It actually helped put so much in perspective, especially in regard to why my last relationship could have never worked.”

  For the remainder of our meetup, Deshawn, Pricilla, Maya, Courtney and Stephanie read their workbooks aloud. I have included excerpts from what they shared below in addition to a truncated version of the activities they completed.

  If you’re up for a life-changing challenge, the full workbook is available online for free at TheGameofDesire.com. But included here are six key activities, which will help you answer these critical questions about yourself: what specifically turns you on in an intimate relationship? What is your love language? What is your sexual orientation in reality (and in your fantasies)? What does it take for you to forgive and feel understood by someone? What is your attachment style? And finally, what are the strengths and weaknesses of your character? I promise that learning how to understand your intimate self using this exercise as your foundation will make a massive impact on the quality of relations with others. Because if you don’t have the language to describe what you’re working with, plus what you need to work on, imagine how difficult it will be to explain what you need to make a relationship work.

  TURN-ON TRIGGERS

  Turn-on triggers is a method I developed to help people understand what, beyond instinctual biological norms, gets them hot and bothered. I’ve used this method in my counseling to help some understand why they lack desire in their loving relationships. And I’ve also used it to help single people assess if they’re being manipulated into sexual relationships that don’t serve them. Knowing your and your sexual partner’s turn-on triggers can lift the veil of fog when it comes to finding and maintaining an intimate mood.

  In order to quickly assess what your primary turn-on trigger is imagine that you just got home from a long day and your partner greets you at the door ready to get freaky. What could they say or do to get you in the mood as well?

  “You look so good and I want you so bad. Go to the bedroom and take your clothes off, I want every square inch of your body.”

  “I ordered dinner for us. Let’s chill, talk and connect. I wanna hear everything about your day and tell you everything about mine.”

  “I vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, laid down some fresh sheets and put on your favorite album. Take your time getting cleaned up, then meet me in the bedroom.”

  “Hey, you’re home early. I was going to take a shower and walk around naked for a bit but now that you’re here I guess I should change my plans, unless . . .”

  “I know you’ve had a long day so if I take care of the house, handle dinner and take your car to get some gas, do you think tonight we could . . .”

  * * *

  Answer Key

  Desire: Skip the filters, you need to be told directly that you’re desired.

  Mental: If you’re not connected mentally first, physical is hardly an option.

  Environmental: You need the mood to be set before you set it off in the bedroom.

  Cat and mouse: You enjoy the chase as much as the experience.

  Transactional: There needs to be something more than the physical act to entice you.

  * * *

  Now that you know your triggers, try to expand on it in a short paragraph as if you were explaining it to someone else. Here is Deshawn’s explanation of her trigger:

  Subtle hints and riddles are just too much for me, I love someone who is straightforward. If you want me to know you’re into me, here’s the trick . . . JUST TELL ME. Desire is absolutely my turn-on trigger because my brain is always going a million miles a minute so if someone plays coy, I’ll move on quickly, thinking there wasn’t much to the relationship.

  Growing up, I was constantly teased and made fun of because of my looks. Let it be how uncool my clothes were, the style of my hair, my glasses I’ve worn since age five or just my features, like my nose and lips being too full for conventional attraction. It was extremely hurtful to hear those things from my peers, and they manifested into what I thought was my reality.

  As an adult, I’ve definitely grown into myself and have come to accept my beauty. I no longer believe the haunting memories of the kids from school, but I do still hear them from time to time in my head. That is why it’s crucial for my lover’s voice to be even louder. Let me hear what makes me sexy, irresistible and hot to you. Tell me all the ways I turn you on, and what that makes you wanna do to me. Nothing makes me feel sexier than just being simply told, “Deshawn—damn, you look sexy!”

  Love Language

  Hopefully you are familiar with Gary Chapman and his internationally renowned book, The 5 Love Languages.1 Love languages are a genius way of understanding the different priorities people have in intimate relationships. Just like if you went to Thailand and spoke in English, you wouldn’t expect to be fully understood, if you show others you care by speaking in your love language, not theirs, you shouldn’t be surprised if your message gets lost in translation.

  Here’s an easy way of guessing what your love language could be: imagine you are in a healthy relationship and you’ve had an especially hard day. On your way home you text your partner to let them know your emotional state. How could they help turn your day around?

  Giving you a long hug and kiss at the door, then carrying you to the couch, where yo
u can touch some more.

  They reveal that they’ve already cooked dinner and done the laundry. They press play on your favorite album, leaving you with nothing to do but relax.

  They cancel their previously scheduled engagement so they can stay home with you to spend quality time.

  They greet you at the door to let you vent about your day; they listen, affirm your perspective, then tell you that you can overcome this problem because you are X, Y and Z.

  When you get home, you notice a package on the table because your partner bought you something that means a lot to you.

  * * *

  Answer Key

  Physical touch: A little loving goes a long way with you.

  Acts of service: They say actions speak louder than words, and you would say it again and again in case the people in the back didn’t hear it.

  Quality time: All those Netflix shows aren’t going to watch themselves, and you aren’t trying to take on that challenge alone.

  Words of affirmation: When Chris Rock said, “Women need food, water and compliments,”2 you laughed a little louder than everyone else.

  Gifts: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend and an impromptu order at your favorite takeout spot is definitely your homie too.

  * * *

  Here is an example of how Pricilla described her love language:

  My love language is words of affirmation. When I was growing up my mother spoke a lot of negative words into my mind and heart. I was yelled at often and it seemed like she took every opportunity possible to tell me what I was doing wrong. It hurt but instead of addressing it or her, I internalized a lot of negativity and carried that with me. This is why hearing kind words about myself really helps to heal me and my inner child. Positive affirmations give me strength to love who I am in the moment and they also help me to combat all those negative agreements that I made about myself in the past.