For our final glam expert, I phoned Makeba Lindsay, a natural-hair guru and my personal curly-haired savior. Makeba is responsible for my staple halo cut as well as my highly coveted and perfectly blended curly-hair extensions. Again, not everyone in the group was in need of this coaching but three in particular were: Courtney, Maya and Deshawn. Maya’s hair lacked personality; it was parted down the middle with zero layers or life to it, Deshawn’s blue-pink hair had way too much going on and Courtney’s hair lacked luster due to lack of love.
Courtney’s ex-boyfriend used to instruct her to put on her “white girl hair,” and on a dating app she once got made fun of for the one natural-hair pic she posted. It’s not easy for a black woman to love her hair in a world conditioned to hate it, which is why black-hair experts like Makeba are worth their weight in shea butter.
“Tell me about your hair,” said Makeba.
“It’s fine, I guess. It’s kind of dry and hopeless,” answered Courtney.
“Hmmm,” Makeba remarked as she touched and detangled. “You have to look at your hair as an extension and a product of yourself, it’s telling you what’s happening inside of your body. I want you to try something different when you do your hair; don’t just rush to the result, listen to what it’s telling you in the process. If it’s dry that’s an indicator that you’re lacking hydration and good fats. Have a conversation with your tresses as if they were your children because frankly, they need your love, patience and attentiveness, too.”
Courtney nodded. “That makes sense. I do just think of my hair as another thing I want to get done. So usually I just braid it down, put a wig on and get on with my day.”
“Wigs are great, but if they’re something that you’re slapping on to mask your hair, you can cause more damage with the glue, the tightness of your braids or by giving more attention to styling the fake hair rather than treating your own. They’re supposed to be protective styles so you can change up your look without causing any damage. Wigs should not be used as a way to hide your natural beauty from the world, whether that world understands you yet or not.”
Courtney got a crash course on hair care and then departed with a bob that left her neck deliciously exposed, which she revealed was a big deal for her. “Growing up I used to grow hair on my neck, which left a lot of scars from ingrown hairs. I always wore long hair as a way to hide that shame, but I don’t have anything to hide anymore.”
When it was Deshawn’s turn, she looked herself over in the mirror with her yellow top, blue-pink hair and purple polish, then said, “Is there any way we can keep the color?”
No! I thought. I was so far over Deshawn’s Halloween hair, I couldn’t even see the wall anymore.
“Yes!” exclaimed Makeba. “You wear colored wigs and hairpieces, which is going to be easy to blend with your hair once it’s a neutral tone. Going darker is not about limiting your expression, Deshawn, it’s giving you the base to experiment so much more.”
I gestured to the mermaid ombre wig that transitioned from black, to green, to blue, to pink which I had purposely worn that day for this exact moment. Deshawn flashed a metal grin then gave the thumbs-up. Makeba got to work and when she was done Deshawn had a dark, curly style that had personality and prestige all in one—just like her.
Maya was last to go. Her hair was essentially a national conservation site: she never styled it, seldom washed it and it hadn’t been touched by another person in ages. Makeba got to work cutting in a multitude of layers so that Maya’s curls no longer fell in a limp triangle. When Makeba put down her scissors, Maya’s hair was a stunning cascade of bouncy curls with a rocking side part that made her look effortlessly sexy. I clapped, Makeba fawned but Maya just sat still and stared back at the reflection of her new curly-cut with squinted eyes, attempting to hold back her tears.
“You don’t love it?” Makeba asked.
“I don’t know,” she answered.
“Is this look you?”
“I don’t know . . .”
“What change do you think would make you fall in love with your hair?” pressed Makeba.
Maya turned her gaze to the ground. “I don’t know.”
Makeba raised a hand. “Maya, you have to decide who you want to be and own that. I know you know what looks good on you; every reference photo you first showed me had consistencies. I know that we aren’t far off, but I think you’re second-guessing because you’re worried about other people’s opinions. But guess what? They don’t get to wake up as you, so let’s give you the haircut you want.”
We had a scheduled group meetup at my apartment in thirty minutes, so I had to get back. I asked Maya if it was okay to meet us there when she was done. She nodded at me but kept her eyes fixed on her reflection.
Cherise, Pricilla and Courtney were at my apartment when I arrived. I smiled at Jared, who was in the kitchen pouring water and putting together snacks. He hugged me, buried his face in my neck and whispered, “Cherise doesn’t want anything, she’s waiting for you to order food.”
I squeezed his arm then handed my phone out for everyone to select a meal from Uber Eats. Just then, the door opened and the new-and-improved Deshawn strode in.
Pricilla stood up and embraced her. “Wow, you look incredible!”
“Thanks, I feel pretty incredible,” Deshawn said, touching her hair. “I FaceTimed my mom to show her and she said, ‘great, now we can take pictures together at church tomorrow!’ And I was like, has my mom been avoiding church pictures with me because of my hair!”
The group laughed, chatted and ordered. With each meetup we felt less like a curated assembly of different archetypes and more like a collective of one: one goal, one mission and one unanimous passion to support each other on this journey.
The food and Maya arrived at the same time, but everyone pushed their appetites to the side to praise the human snack that now stood in front of us. Maya now had full, blunt, bouncy bangs that served as the exclamation point to her layered cut. She looked like a modern-day Farrah Fawcett.
Before anyone could get anything audible out Maya spoke up first: “I love my hair! You know when you see a dog and its owner walking together and they match each other? That’s how this cut makes me feel.”
I loved that she claimed her feelings before anyone else could share their opinion. I also loved the irony that when I left her, she was on the verge of melting down and now she was practically soaring because of bangs. Literally, just bangs. I wondered if the rest of the group’s problems could also (seemingly) be solved with one, decisive snip.
“I could never pull off bangs!” said Pricilla.
“Oh my gosh, me either,” added Stephanie.
“Do you see how small this forehead is? A swoop, yes, but bangs—NEVER!” exclaimed Deshawn.
Well damn, so much for that idea. I pulled out a pink-frosted cake with yellow trim from the fridge and set it on the coffee table.
“As you know, today we’re taking pictures for your dating app profiles,” I announced. “And to give you an edge, we’re going to be using the cake as a prop. Can anyone guess why?”
“Because you’re a hater who doesn’t want us to look good in our crop tops?” said Courtney.
“The actual opposite, girl.” I laughed. “This is a psychological trick I learned while reading Methods of Persuasion by Nick Kolenda. He used a picture with a birthday cake to get him more sales, but you’re going to use it to get more attention on dating apps.”1
“I still don’t get it,” Courtney said, speaking on behalf of the group.
I explained the method behind the madness by asking them one simple question: When you see someone with a cake, what immediately comes to mind? If you’re like most people, the words birthday and celebrate are probably kicking around and that’s precisely why this technique works. On someone’s birthday we are conditioned to give them more attention and more time; thus, if someone is on an app swiping away in a trance-like state and a picture of a person holding a cak
e pops up, it will likely prompt the brain to get to work by pulling up the birthday schema and the ritualistic behaviors that go with it. In short, including a cake in your profile photo is a way to ensure more people stop what they’re doing to give you special attention.
The group let out a collective, “Oh!”
I smiled victoriously then told them they had about thirty minutes to freshen up before I got to snapping. They paired off two by two and scattered around my apartment taking up mirrors and standing by windows to see themselves clearly through their compact cases. I stood to the side and observed the group in quiet awe as they bonded, applied blush and helped one another choose the perfect lip color. Since I was a kid, I’ve loved watching people playing with makeup together. That day, I realized why: it’s self-love and community care in perfect balance.
Maya traditionally did not wear makeup, but since our Smashbox meeting, she had taken a liking to mascara and lip stain. So, naturally she was the first done. This was the best-case scenario since I suspected she would be the hardest to photograph.
I say this only because she did: “I’m horrible at taking photos and most of the time I attempt it, it ends in a panic attack and tears.”
So yeah, when people tell me that about themselves, I tend to believe them.
Maya walked in with her hands clasped in front of her and her head down. She wore perfectly oversized bright-green coveralls that needed no alterations and a timid expression that I wanted to change immediately. I instructed her to close the door, so we could work in private.
“All right, Maya, I want you to really stretch into your masculine side here. Embody that androgynous energy you possess that’s so seductive.”
“I don’t even know what that means,” she said, getting noticeably worked up.
I handed her a brown crate to sit on and squatted to demonstrate the vibe I wanted her to tap into. “That means you release all fucks. You sit how you’re comfortable, you look at the camera like it’s the one that has to prove something and you let your face do whatever it needs to. Except of course, if what it wants to do is panic.”
Maya took the box, set it down, then exhaled. “Okay, let’s try.”
We shot for as long as we could. I kept the requests for pose changes to a minimum and gave her plenty of time to take breaks to re-center herself.
About ten minutes later she looked at me squarely and said, “Okay, I don’t think I can do anymore.”
“You don’t need to, we got it!” I high-fived her and asked her to send the next person in.
Before she left, she turned back and said, “This is the first time in a long time that I’ve been able to take pictures without completely crumbling. I know that sounds small, but this is a big deal for me.”
The remainder of the group also clearly had issues in front of the camera, with the extreme exception of Cherise. Cherise was born to be photographed. Through the lens of my camera I saw the real her that she often spoke about but rarely exhibited: sexy, fun, flirty, mischievous, open, goofy and confident. I was smitten with her, until I handed her the cake.
“This icing looks like melted plastic, where did you get this? It looks toxic.”
Deshawn and Pricilla photographed identically: with one giant question mark over their face for every single frame. While some pictures came out nicely, specifically the ones where they were naturally smiling, whenever their face was at rest you could see that their spirit was not. It’s not just your eyes, but your whole face, that provides a window to your soul. How do you hold your mouth? What are your eyebrows doing? Where is your eye line? All of these factors serve as a road map to your truth. Most people foolishly believe they have mastered the poker face, but in reality, if you’re thinking it, we can see it!
Courtney and Stephanie had a little more ease, but still a layer of apprehension that made it clear we’d probably be doing reshoots. Which is fine; the beauty of 2019 is that everyone and their grandma’s cat has a camera so there’s no excuse not to practice taking your photo. Selfies aren’t just for the narcissistic, they’re also a great tool for the enlightened to truly see their feelings, as others do.
READER, HOW ARE YOU DOING? IT’S BEEN AWHILE SINCE I CHECKED IN WITH you. I hope that this chapter was an inspiration and not a discour-agement to anyone who feels left out of the beauty box. Remember what I said in the beginning of this book: attractive is not an adjective used to describe some, it’s a verb that can be utilized by anyone. This is why I wholeheartedly believe that working on your physical aesthetic will help to open your romantic options and best of all, the results are twofold. For one, shiny things catch the eye but more importantly, shiny things move with confidence because they expect to capture eyes.
As Winnie and the other experts in this section taught us all, your greatness can begin when you feel beautiful in your skin. But, it is also worth noting that satisfaction with physical appearance alone is not a substitute for any of the other work we have done, or are about to do.
As evidence, consider the study done by James McNulty of the University of Tennessee. McNulty recruited eighty-two newlyweds then separated them so that volunteers could rate the attractiveness of each participant. Next, his team interviewed participants and asked about their satisfaction level in their marriage; their answers might surprise you. Researchers found there was no correlation between how good-looking someone was and how satisfied they or their partner was in the relationship.2
All this to say, hell no, looks aren’t everything. But they sure as heck aren’t nothing either. Like everything else in life, this area is subject to balance and I say, if you can tip the scales in your favor by slaying your fit and your brows, why not? Especially if what you got going on underneath your healthy, bomb-ass hairstyle, is even more woman-crush worthy.
Phase Two: Change
PART TWO
Change how you present yourself. Play up your seductive qualities and learn to curb your anti-seductive tendencies.
6
Don’t Just Be Yourself
The six women sat in my living room for what I later learned would be the last time. I handed each of them a packet titled “Seduction and Anti-Seduction” (which could also moonlight as a manual titled, The Do’s and Don’ts of Human Interaction). Now that we had gone through the physical transformation, I wanted to prime them for the character alterations I believed they needed to address next. But people have a much easier time swapping hairstyles then dropping traits, so I knew I had to go about this process a little slower and gentler.
I once had a client send me a scathing email after a session because she felt I had crossed a line in suggesting she had qualities she needed to fix. She felt that being yourself is the key to finding the right mate, and that there shouldn’t be any tactics or adjustments necessary in the search for companionship.
This of course is far from an unpopular sentiment. As a matter of fact, if someone was struggling in the love department and asked a roomful of people for advice, the most popular response would be, The key is to just be yourself. Many therapists may even share some rendition of this in fear that the bold reality, actually it’s not just them, there’s a whole lotta you in there too, would be too off-putting. But, I’m not a therapist and my goal is big results for some not a pleasant experience for all, hence why you will not hear this advice from me, ever. Partly because I believe that we should all constantly strive while we’re alive; I never wanna just do anything that matters to me. And mostly because I don’t even get the practical application of that message. We have many different versions of ourselves: our work self, home self, after-hours self, hungry self, when-no-one-else-is-watching self and the version of self that may have been formed in reaction to past trauma. So which self are people referring to when they share that sentiment? I believe that the only true self is the one someone consistently chooses to be, and that simply points to the fact that you do have a choice. Thus, if who you’re choosing to be isn’t working, what’s so wron
g with choosing to become something else?
To vent about this just a tad longer, name one other instance where that advice would be appropriate for someone who is consistently missing the mark. If a med school student was on the brink of failing and asked what they should do, would you tell them to be themselves—even though their current self is at the back of the class? If someone had tried out for the basketball team two years in a row and failed but was determined to make this year the one, would you advise them to maintain the same course of action as their previous attempts?
Of course not. We would tell those people to study harder, enlist the help of coaches or teachers and to mimic the habits of those who have found success. Why should dating be any different? Yes, there is someone out there for everyone, but this program is about transforming women into someone widely desired—and there is a proven strategy to that. Hence why I wanted to take them through a crash course on seductive and anti-seductive behaviors before our big chat.
The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene is a book that changed my life by illuminating where I had been turning people off and the nine different ways that I could turn my interactions around.1 Jared recommended this book to me when we first started dating and now that I think about it, maybe he was dropping hints, because I know for damn sure that’s what I was doing with the group!
Below is a hella truncated version of The Art of Seduction. I also went ahead and put my own spin on everything to make it easier to understand and remember. Actually, I recommend each of you remix the content in this book as much as possible if you’re serious about winning the game of desire. Education experts agree the best way to retain information is to put it in your own words.
Also, keep in mind when reviewing this list that, much like Gary Chapman’s love languages, most people have one or two seduction styles they use well. But exceptionally good lovers understand the importance of all the styles—and how to deploy them. Finally, it’s wise to think of learning about seduction as if you’re learning how to dance. The absolute best dancers know the choreography until it’s a part of them, until the moves are an effortless extension of their own.
The Game of Desire Page 11
