Here’s my adaptation:
* * *
How to Be Seductive
The jaw/panty dropper. Simply look and act the part of the person whose bathwater we’d all guzzle. Marilyn Monroe and Henry Golding are excellent examples of this seducer.
The faucet. Because you’re hot and cold, get it? Tease your playmates with your sharp edges and round curves until they don’t know which way the exit is. Sarah Michelle Gellar as Kathryn in Cruel Intentions was a faucet. I also think Selena Gomez is a great modern-day example since she bounces expertly between sweet as heaven and sexy as hell.
The kindness killa. Give tons of compliments and be the kind of person who moms and waiters adore. Agreeableness is the number-one trait that determines the success of long-term relationships, so remember—it’s cool to be kind. Michelle Obama and Tom Hanks are exemplary kindness killas.
The keg. When you go out, make an entrance, be the center of the party and leave everyone in your vicinity begging for more when you exit. It’s no surprise that these two are friends, but The Rock and Ellen DeGeneres are prime examples of kegs.
The zero fucks. Do what makes you feel good and don’t ask for permission or wait for others to join. Be a natural, and by that I mean be the kind of person who is untainted by the pressures and expectations of others. Channing Tatum and, of course, the queen Chrissy Teigen play this like a pro.
The centerfold. Be gender-neutral without apology or explanation. This can be accomplished through your style or your personality, whichever feels most authentic. Prince and Ruby Rose are sexual icons for a reason—they dare to defy our gender-conforming culture and they look irresistible doing it.
The player. Be the kind of person whose reputation gets around almost as much as you do. Those who want to tame or experience a beast will not be able to resist. Drake and Rihanna are classic players. Is it any wonder why these two are so drawn to one another?
The Oprah. Be supportive of others’ highest potential. When they’re around you, they should feel like they are the reflection of their truest, highest self. Oprah of course is the pinnacle of this seductive trait, but Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack in Titanic is also a good example. He was able to woo Rose away with a gift worth more than diamonds. He looked her in the eyes and told her, “I see you.”
The It factor. Embody, ooze and emit that special kind of special that people can’t put their finger on. These are less well-known names but there are two people who I recently felt, wow, they’ve got IT: Zhavia (a singer known best as a contestant on The Four) and Salif Lasource (the Michael Jackson impersonation dancer).
* * *
When we finished running through the list, I asked the group to explain one of the seduction styles in their own words, plus identify a fellow member who exemplified that technique.
Stephanie went first. “I’m gonna pick the zero fucks seducer. These people have a child-like essence because they aren’t super-self-conscious and they aren’t worried what other people are thinking, they’re really just enjoying themselves. And I think the person in the group who embodies that is Deshawn.”
“I choose the keg,” shared Pricilla. “They are the kind of person that lights up every room and is very comfortable being the center of attention. But what makes this person really seductive is they use the attention for good by making others feel appreciated and more comfortable in their presence. I think that is Courtney to a T. She’s the hype woman for everyone.”
Everyone agreed enthusiastically, and Courtney grabbed ahold of her cheeks as though they might explode with joy. “Well thanks, guys! I chose Maya as the centerfold because she really does dance on the line of masculine and feminine so effortlessly in the way that she dresses and holds herself.”
“I chose the It Factor, and I understand that to be a person who people are just drawn to even though they can’t always explain why,” said Deshawn. “I think that person is Cherise because when she comes into the room everyone just looks at her. I feel like she has a secret something that makes people want to know more.”
“That’s funny,” added Maya. “I was going to also pick Cherise for the jaw dropper because that is someone who brings you in with their overall appearance and beautiful call.”
“Can I just add to the jaw dropper?” interjected Stephanie. “I think Pricilla is one. I feel like she would kill it at the club. If I had to bring one person to the club who would bring all the boys to the yard, it would definitely be Pricilla!”
Everyone exploded into laughter.
“What’s funny is that people see me and expect me to be this vixen type,” Pricilla said, blushing. “But when people actually get to know me, they’re like, aww, you’re actually supersweet! A part of me is like, no, I wanna be the seductive vixen!”
“Well, you can be the seductive vixen too,” I said, raising my voice above the laughter.
I explained to the group the magical concept of contrasts. When done right, they are undeniable seducers, as outlined by the faucet seduction technique. For example, Pricilla being super-sexy and super-humble at the same time was a very effective contrast that made her hotter. I believe we should all have a baseline at rest, but at play, there’s nothing wrong with using extremes to keep people guessing—as long as you’re careful not to be contradictory (saying one thing and doing the other) because that certainly isn’t seductive.
“Does anyone have a contrast of their own that they are aware of?” I asked.
“I think based on how I look people are often shocked that I’m nice,” said Cherise. “People have thought that I’m mean for my entire life but I’m completely super nice. I love people and I love making people feel comfortable.”
I wanted to tell her that I’d never met an actual nice person who felt the need to defend how nice they were so exhaustively, but I knew my time to have that one-on-one discussion was coming soon.
“But if you know you are a visual contrast,” I said instead, “you almost have to counter that first impression right away.”
“I usually do,” she said.
“Meaning the first thing you would do is walk into a room, smile and say something kind.”
“I usually do,” she repeated.
Now, I couldn’t resist: “I’m gonna be honest, Cherise, I haven’t really seen you do much of that.”
“Well, we don’t go much of anywhere, do we?” The group laughed and she continued. “Anyway, I chose the faucet and that is someone who has mastered the art of not saying yes or no and they keep people intrigued and guessing. I think that . . . oh my God, why am I blanking on your name?”
“Stephanie?” offered Deshawn.
“Stephanie, right.” Cherise continued. “Stephanie here is kind of that way because you never know what she’s thinking and I think it also comes from a place of trying to remain safe.”
For those of you who recall the neg, that comment was a classic example: an observation that is equal parts compliment to insult.
“I don’t think the tease does it because she wants to remain safe,” I added. “I think she does it because she feels in control and likes to keep people on their toes. For example, Steph, the first time we met, remember I was saying how flirty you were being with me? In my head I kept thinking, dang does this girl know she’s totally seducing me!?”
NEXT, WE WENT THROUGH THE EIGHT ANTI-SEDUCTIVE QUALITIES. I TOOK MY time with these as they were things I planned to reference on our upcoming one-on-one calls. Again, these are inspired by Robert Greene’s The Art of Seduction, and I also added three of my own at the top.
If you’ve ever been curious why someone that you believed you had a great connection with never called you back, it’s likely because you exhibited one of the following:
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How to Get Ghosted
The cactus. The cactus puts up deterrents to keep people away in the belief that those who are meant for them will fight through their wall of spikes. Why it doesn’t work: I came up with this term
in my counseling service, after coming across multiple people who thought potential partners should work to earn their kinder/softer side. But in a global market, there isn’t much incentive to put up with someone’s unkindness especially when there’s no guarantee for a reward down the line. There are many examples of the cactus type triumphing in movies, but remember life is not a movie and our lovers aren’t actors paid to stick around for the plot twist!
The Peter Pan. This person does not want to, or simply just hasn’t, grown up. Why it doesn’t work: While it is seductive to have a carefree, almost child-like essence that reminds us of simpler times, it is not seductive to behave immaturely. The Peter Pan does not inspire others to engage in an adult relationship with them, since they don’t appear to be up to the task elsewhere in their lives.
The red marker. The red marker lives to correct people, no matter how innocuous their “error” is. If the fashion, grammar and politeness police were real, they’d be sheriff on each force. Why it doesn’t work: Needless to say, it feels shitty to feel like you gotta mind your Ps and Qs to avoid constant judgment. Mistakes are the mothers of many great inventions; the red marker is the grim reaper of ’em.
The bulldozer. They came, they saw . . . and they took charge. The bulldozer wants things to go their way and they have no interest in hiding that. Why it doesn’t work: The phrase “go with the flow” is not something the bulldozer understands—and they aren’t willing to compromise for the people around them. Being around a bulldozer is exhausting because you rarely get a say in what happens.
The clinger. Clingers are in love with the idea of being in love and thus are unable to let someone go once they’ve hitched their hopes onto them. These people are often anxiously attached, thus will have a difficult time forming healthy bonds until they address this void. Why it doesn’t work: While it may seem like clingers really like someone, in truth they like the idea of being liked and will hold on to this hope even when it doesn’t make any logical sense. At first someone may be flattered by the attention but eventually they will get turned off once their true motivation is realized.
The shadow. Like the clinger, this type needs your approval and seeks to gain it by parroting your thoughts, beliefs and values. Why it doesn’t work: Healthy relationships are built off mutuality and reciprocity, but the shadow will forgo their beliefs to validate yours. Not many will be enticed by this one-sided deal, because it’s inauthentic to a true partnership. Unless you are partnered with a bulldozer.
The pusher. The pusher believes they know best and will not rest until you agree with them. Why it doesn’t work: It is not practical or tasteful to push your values/goals onto someone else. The pusher thinks you should be vegan, doesn’t know why you don’t sign up for SoulCyle and buys you things they already own. Although their actions seem kind at first, people eventually recognize that their intentions are narcissistic.
Penny-wise and people-foolish. This person is willing to trade in the quality of their interactions to protect their finances. Why it doesn’t work: They aim to save their money by spending yours and they aren’t very good at hiding that. They may be a gold digger or just cheap. Either way they make it clear that money and how to keep most of it for themselves is always top of their mind.
The Nervous Nelly. This person is so awkward and self-conscious that it’s awkward to be around them. Why it doesn’t work: Worry is usually contagious: Are you the one making them uncomfortable? Are they going to have a meltdown? Are you safe around this person? These questions initiate someone’s fight-or-flight mode, and make it difficult for people to relax around the Nervous Nelly.
The long talker. This type would seemingly rather suffocate than take a breath and give someone else a chance to chime in. The long talker rarely asks questions and is noticeably uncomfortable when any other person has the floor. Why it doesn’t work: No one can listen for that long without getting irritated or bored. In the book Words Can Change Your Brain, by Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman, they recommend speaking for thirty seconds or less at a time, because the human brain can only absorb three new pieces of information at once. So if someone speaks for five or ten minutes trying to argue their points, the listener will only remember a small portion.
The eggshell. Eggshells have a fragile ego and a shaky self-esteem that can be bruised with the most minor slights. Why it doesn’t work: When you are around these people you get the sense that everything you say or do is on the cusp of offending them. They are prone to whining, sulking and out-of-the-blue emotional outbursts.
* * *
In the same fashion as I had done with the seductive qualities, I asked the group to identify who they felt embodied these anti-seducers. But, since no one wants to get called a clinger in public, I asked if they could write down their answers so that I could share them at a later date. This is a snapshot of what they said:
I think Cherise is the cactus because she gives off a vibe of like, I don’t need anything or anyone, so I don’t know why I’m here. But as soon as she talks it’s clear she has issues and needs to be here. And I really don’t like or understand why she makes fun of people for approaching her, but then complains that people find her unapproachable.
—Pricilla
I think Deshawn is the Nervous Nelly. I feel this uncomfortable energy around her to the point that I feel like she’s not having fun at all. I also can’t imagine her in a romantic setting where she could turn off her awkward, nervous side.
—Stephanie
I think Courtney is the bulldozer. At NASA, I worked in mission control and we planned the astronauts’ days during their mission. In addition to making space for their work, we had to add in contingency: days for them to get sick, days for them to not complete something properly, days for equipment to malfunction. Courtney seems like she doesn’t add space for things not to go according to her plan. She’s lost that trust, but if you get to know her, you can see she actually wants to be vulnerable.
—Deshawn
I think Steph is the shadow because she’s just so yielding. She comes across that whatever is better for others she’ll just adjust to. It makes it hard to connect to her because you never know if she’s saying what she wants or just what she thinks other people want her to say.
—Courtney
I think Maya is the eggshell because she seems too easily offended. She feels like the person you must be so cautious of speaking around. She has this anxious face most of the time, which makes you feel like if you say the wrong thing, this whole other person can come up.
—Cherise
I think Pricilla is kind of like the cactus except she doesn’t have spikes, just a hard shell. So, I’d like to submit a new term: the turtle. It’s like she just can’t or won’t open up. Whenever Pricilla talks, I really like listening to her and when she doesn’t I want to hear her but I also don’t wanna push her out of her comfort zone. So, I would say if she was doing that on dates, just sitting there and not giving a lot, that would be exhausting. And yeah, I am totally seeing the irony of me pointing this out about anyone else.
—Maya
I tried my best to break up the session with activities, but somewhat unavoidably, I took on the character of the long talker. When I finally finished rattling on, the group looked tired. I called it and told everyone I’d be in touch soon with instructions on what we’d work on next, but for now there was no homework. With this, Stephanie and Pricilla headed out to make their evening plans but everyone else just sat there and stared at me.
“Do you guys wanna stay and chat? I think I have some wine.”
And that is precisely what we did. Or more accurately, they did. Me, I just sat back in awe listening and affirming their stories while feeling more affirmed than ever in this process. Not only had this project improved these women’s odds at finding meaningful relationships but also, it brought six unlikely people together to create a special bond of their own. As I watched them share and laugh, it dawned on me that I
truly considered these women friends. Which somehow made me feel equally better, and much worse, about what I had to do next.
Phase Two: Change
PART THREE
Change your attitude. Have an honest check-in with someone who sees the best in you and who recognizes how you may be blocking your own blessings.
7
Growth Vs. Ego
In this final step of Phase Two the group must tackle the toughest question to date: what’s more important, your growth or your ego? I have been foreshadowing this next part for some time and that’s because it is a particularly crucial step in this program. For the conclusion of Phase Two, there would be no workbooks, expert speakers or group work; it would be just me, them and the truth as I had observed it. I planned on having a one-on-one talk with each woman to help answer the “Why do I always get the short end of the love stick?” question with them.
Now, I promised you in the beginning a repeatable format that you could do as well, and that still holds. You really don’t need a Shan to do this shit. As you saw in the previous chapter, the women in the group were able to recognize each other’s anti-seductive qualities accurately. Bear in mind, these women had no expertise in the relationship space, and they’d only known each other for a couple of months. Thus, there is no doubt there is a Shan in your life who knows what your roadblocks are, but hasn’t said anything because you never asked. If you have done the Self-Summary Workbook plus you’ve asked an ex about your intimate flaws, you’ve probably already uncovered what habits you need to address. The point of having a third, safe person to work through your findings with is that together you can go a little deeper and create new pathways to avoid your old, ineffective route. Of course, a therapist is the ideal person to do this step with if you have access to one, or if you were looking for a nudge to visit one. This chapter is designed to give you the courage to seek out the best illuminator for you. And when you do, hopefully it will go as well as 5/6 of my discussions had.
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