When I shared the news with the rest of the group, Deshawn, who seemed to be maturing before my eyes, put the perfect button on it. “This whole time you’ve been encouraging us to find our power and step into our expertise. It’s unfortunate that as soon as Cherise found hers, she quit.”
Phase Three: Learn
PART ONE
Learn how to target, find and connect with your ideal playmate(s).
8
Fiancé, F*ck Buddy or Financial Sponsor?
The five original, and now remaining, women gathered at my place a couple days later so we could begin Phase Three. I announced that we would be doing a 180 in our approach, then led them back to my office where I’d prepared something that I was really excited about.
“Now that you’ve gotten to know yourself, I think it’s a good time to start getting to know your future boo. So, this is what we’re working on today.” I gestured to my large dry erase board, which was covered with the following:
* * *
Job title(s): Who are you looking for? A long-term partner? Fuck buddy? Financial sponsor? List all titles here and complete one job listing for each.
Job location/term: How close do candidates need to live to you? Are you looking for someone contract, part-time or full-time?
Preferred experience level/age:
Frozen Five requirements: a candidate cannot be considered for employment if they fail to meet these.
Skills of interest: Anything that didn’t make your top five which is still important to you, place here.
Areas of flexibility: What are some attributes/habits of potential candidates that you can work with, even though others may view these as a deal breaker?
Do-not-applies: What are the attributes/morals/values that you know don’t bring out the best in you? List your deal breakers.
Job perks: What makes this position incredible? List all the things that you have to offer that make this role a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Job description: Using your answers above, summarize the role you are offering and the ideal candidate who you hope will occupy it.
* * *
I handed out paper and pens while Stephanie eyed me and the board suspiciously. “Wait, we’re working on work?” she asked.
“Oooooh no, I think I know what this is.” Courtney clapped excitedly. She dug in her purse and pulled out her soft case of gel pens and markers. “Does anyone want to write with one of these instead?”
I continued. “This activity is going to serve as the basis of everything we will be doing moving forward and it’s what we’ll be using to attract your dream mate. It should be fun!”
“By putting an ad in the classifieds?” questioned Deshawn.
“Wait,” said Pricilla, as though she’d just clued in. “We’re not, like, putting this out there, are we?”
The job listing method is something I invented in early 2015, during my prime of online dating. Sorting through mass amounts of profiles proved to be arduous and uninspiring, especially since I wasn’t 100 percent sure what I was looking for. So I sat down one night and developed a simple list of my criteria: loves, likes and dislikes. Then I added a few other things, like how far I was willing to travel to see someone and what age range I was comfortable with. When I was finished, I looked over what I had done and thought, Well, damn, it looks like I’m looking for an employee. And that’s when the lightbulb went off: That is precisely what dating is.
Think of yourself as a multibillion-dollar corporation. You, of course, are the CEO. Sure, you might have some family and friends on your board of trustees but ultimately this is your company. You have worked your ass off building this thing from the ground up into the successful, highly respected and above all, precious entity that it is. So, are you going to consider hiring any random schmo for your executive suite just because they took a selfie with a tiger?
Creating the job listing makes it clear who qualifies, who doesn’t and who seems like a decent fit to work in maintenance or perhaps even as an intern. At any given time, you could be looking for people to fill several different positions and if so, make a unique listing for each. Maybe you’re looking for a friend with benefits, a workout buddy, a mentor, a financial sponsor and/or a life partner. The clearer you can be about what qualities make up the right candidates, the fewer opportunities the wrong ones will have to waste your time. I firmly believe you can have a relationship with anyone, but I also believe you need to be realistic about what kind of relationship that person is capable of successfully having with you. In the romantic department most people are simply searching for a long-term partner and if you’re new to this, that’s where you should start. Don’t get lured into opening more complex positions like friends with benefits unless you are disciplined enough to see beyond any biologically induced passion that isn’t based on your logical needs. Relationships built on proximity, availability or mutual loneliness are not the goal of this book, and, as a matter of fact, they are the nemesis.
Sadly, I’ve worked with so many people who made the mistake of promoting their plumber to their executive suite simply because that person knew how to lay the pipe. So if you feel yourself making this mistake, review your listing for a long-term lover and remind yourself that your loyalty needs to be reserved for the success of your company, not for the company you keep.
“No, you’re not going to post this anywhere,” I said, answering Pricilla’s question. “This is for internal use only and it’s going to massively help us, especially during our final assignment, where you’ll be required to date someone of high interest. A high-interest playmate has to pass your Frozen Five test.”
“This is going to be a short assignment for me,” said Pricilla. “I’m just going to describe Matt Barnes.”
This wasn’t the first time Pricilla had brought up Matt Barnes, an ex-NBA-champion-turned-philanthropist-and-businessman. In our very first in-person meeting she identified him as her ideal type and when I asked her why, she explained that he embodied everything on her wish list: handsome, tall, successful, charitable, tattooed and, above all else, he was a loving parent. I hadn’t thought of this until that moment, but I had actually met Matt briefly a few years prior when we were both guests on Keke Palmer’s daytime show, Just Keke. I wondered if he still remembered me and figured it was worth a shot to find out . . .
“But wait, how are we supposed to know how to fill this in?” asked Stephanie. “Just like your standard tall-dark-handsome stuff?”
“Excellent question.” I beamed then pointed to another dry erase board that had a list of twenty-six crucial traits that make up a romantic bond. This was my absolute favorite activity I had developed after reading The Science of Happily Ever After, by Dr. Ty Tashiro. I instructed the group to look over this list and rank each trait in order from most to least important. “Your top five will serve as your Frozen Five and how you order the rest can help inform the remainder of your job post.”
For everyone reading this book I highly suggest you participate in this activity as well. So go ahead and shuffle this list around until it is arranged from what’s most to least important to you in a romantic partnership:
Agreeable (easy to get along with)
Emotionally stable
Securely attached
High novelty seeking (likes to do new things)
Supportive/happy for my good news
Intelligent
Physically attractive
Takes responsibility for self
Unlikely to withdraw (not avoidantly attached)
Has similar interests
Has similar values
Speaks my love language
Good life skills (cooking, cleaning, budgeting, building, etc. . . .)
Wants children
Sexually compatible
Financially well off
Charming/humorous
Trustworthy
Faithful
Strong leadership skills
Follows dire
ctions/allows others to take the lead
Highly ambitious
Independent thinker
Compatible with my friends and family
Excellent conflict-resolution skills
Has good relationships with others
Speaks my apology language
Once you have finished ranking, take a second to analyze your Frozen Five. Then look at your bottom five. Do you see any patterns that jump out? Also, try comparing your previous romantic partners against this ranking—would they qualify, if you knew then what you do now? If you need an example of what the finished product of the job listing exercises should look like, Deshawn agreed to share hers with you.
* * *
Job title: A long-term partner/relationship
Job location/term: Full-time, L.A. County, 50 miles or closer
Preferred experience level/age: 25–35, has had at least one long-term relationship
Basic requirements (the Frozen Five)
Intelligent. They need to have expertise in something that they do.
Has good relationships with others. They must know and be committed to a deep, family/family-like bond.
Sexually compatible. I love when someone makes me feel sexy. Seeing and feeling when someone wants me is important. I want to feel seen and be felt.
Shared politics/outlook on life. It’s important that people treat people different from them with dignity. I have compassion for others and that is my outlook on life.
Financially independent. You must be able to pay your rent and bills then also have a disposable income.
Skills of interest Speaks my apology language, securely attached, physically attractive, speaks my love language, similar interests, wants children, trustworthy, faithful, partnership oriented, takes leadership, knows how to take instructions, high novelty seeking, knowledgeable about black culture/race relations specifically in the U.S.
Areas of flexibility Fashion sense, drinking, smoking, living with parents, personal grooming, sexual experience, religion, race.
Do-not-applies Trump supporters, narcissists, misogynists, people who are selectively respectful, people who are gym obsessed or diet obsessed, pessimists, people who pressure me to “keep up appearances.”
Job perks When you work with Deshawn, you get: an honest person, very loving (I cater to people’s specific love language), faith oriented (nondenominational Christian), ambitious, compassionate, intelligent, excellent scrambled eggs with cheese, great blow jobs, skilled gift giver, high novelty seeker, witty, excellent kisser, flexible, easy-going, charismatic.
Job description An independent, adventure-loving, intelligent lady in the streets/freak in the sheets is seeking a full-time boyfriend. Successful candidate must be intelligent, family oriented and be well-versed in current affairs. This role has flexible hours, lots of making out, hikes and will encourage you to use Uber Eats far more than you probably already do—unless you’re in the mood for eggs. Oh, must love dogs and must not be a dog.
* * *
If, like Deshawn, you completed this exercise thoroughly, you should start to get a clearer picture of what occupation this person is likely to be in and where they might hang out in their free time.
Here’s what we were able to determine after examining the group’s completed job listings:
Deshawn was looking to date herself: an intelligent, community-focused, family oriented, sexually apt person who cared more about adventure than aesthetics.
Pricilla was in fact looking for someone who was loosely like Matt Barnes.
Stephanie was looking for someone dedicated to the betterment of others—like a teacher or a personal trainer.
Courtney wanted someone brave and strong, with exceptional life skills and a steady paycheck. A firefighter would be the perfect fit.
Maya also wanted to date herself, except she wanted the version that she hadn’t quite stepped into yet: outgoing, funny and brave in their pursuit of who and what they loved.
While I think everyone should complete this activity (and I’ve made it easy for you by giving you a blank template on TheGameofDesire.com/joblisting) I’m going to underline and put a star beside it for anyone who lives in a big city and/or those planning on looking for love online. The women in my group ticked off both of those boxes. So, to make sure they were extra prepared, I called on two professionals whom I admired: Chief Marketing Officer of OkCupid Melissa Hobley, and Meredith Davis, head of communications for the exclusive dating app The League.
Meredith connected with us via Google Hangouts from The League’s birthplace and headquarters in San Francisco. She was the second employee to join the company and cited that she knew it was the job for her when she learned their tagline, “Date intelligently.”
“So how do we do that?” I asked after the introductions. “How do we online date and come up with more than just ridiculous stories to tell our friends?”
“The League earned a reputation for being an elitist Tinder, but in actuality we just saw a market for a dating service that didn’t allow anyone with a phone access. So this is not a plug but honestly, the best thing you can do is use dating apps that have some form of quality control. After you’ve done that, there’s a bunch of other really interesting things you can do with your profile to get the most out of your experience. Should I just list them?”
“Hell yeah!”
* * *
How to Make Your Best Dating Profile by Meredith Davis
Photos
Wardrobe: Wear white or solid bright colors.
Expression: Smile, leave the duckface for Instagram.
Communication: Make sure your pictures aren’t just about looking good. They need to tell your story.
Picture 1: a great head shot with eye contact (think of magazine covers)
Picture 2: travel/you doing something out of the ordinary (full body if possible)
Picture 3: you doing something normal that you love (eating, hanging with friends, painting, reading, etc. . . .)
Picture 4: a group shot, because it communicates a lot about who you are, including your height.
Picture 5: your choice (you with an animal, you at a wedding, a professional pic of you, etc.)
Picture 6: Your weed-out photo. If there is something that is an intrinsic part of you that is going to be a make-or-break for others, put it here to save yourself time. (Do you smoke? Are you heavy into politics?)
After you have selected your six photos ask yourself: Can someone come up with three questions per photo? If so, move on to your “about me.”
About me
This is a place to give someone a taste of you. This is not your biography, so keep it short (fewer than two hundred words) but not too short because that shows low investment. Your “about me” should be regarded as a conversation starter. Here are some rules of thumb:
Do
Make statements that invite people to start a discussion with you (I was born in Cali and know where to get the absolute best carnitas).
Invite people to ask a question (Ask me about my second photo . . .).
Show your favorite thing about your personality.
Do not
List your criteria (must be tall, university educated and love animals).
List your weed-out criteria (Looking for a hookup? Don’t waste my time!). First, sleazy people don’t read on dating apps so you’re wasting your time and second, when we tell people what we don’t want, we indicate what we’ve already had and we tend to come across as bitter.
Just put a link to your Instagram. If you’re too lazy to write something, what makes you think people won’t be too lazy to open an entirely different app to get to know you?
Crafting the First Message
Make it meaningful
Look at a profile and comment on something specific that you like or have a question about. Saying “hey” in a first message is almost equivalent to saying nothing—in fact, the vast majority of “hey” messages never get a response at a
ll.
Make your first message brief, but not short
Messages with the best chance of a reply are between 40 and 100 characters long (again, saying “hey” twenty times isn’t going to cut it). Something like, “I see you went to Paris, what was your favorite café?” should suffice.
* * *
Next, we connected with CMO Melissa Hobley to discuss how to make your dating apps work for you and not the other way around.
“First and foremost, people can’t be afraid to put the work in,” said Melissa from OkCupid’s headquarters in New York. “At OkCupid we actually just came up with the term storking. Storking is when someone deeply desires a serious, romantic relationship but doesn’t put in any effort.” Instead, they just hope their dream lover turns up on their doorstep.
As I’ve said several times, you don’t get great results at practically anything without putting the work in, BUT, there’s a difference between working hard and working smart. Melissa gave us six pro tips on how to do the latter:
* * *
How to Make Your Profile Work for You by Melissa Hobley
Invest energy in the setup. Spend more time setting up your profile and you’ll spend less time turning the creeps away and ultimately more time on meaningful dates. OkCupid has over one thousand iconic questions. You don’t have to answer them all, but in order to activate your profile you must answer at minimum fifteen. My advice is to answer as many questions as you can, fill in every field, even if it isn’t required and add at least four pictures. The more you do, the more accurate your matches will be and the more you’ll stand out from the crowd.
The Game of Desire Page 15
