Update your profile often. General rule of thumb for how to get the most out of dating apps? Write well, edit often. Just because you made a résumé once doesn’t mean that you don’t continuously tweak it until you land the job you’re looking for, right? So get into a routine of adding a new photo at least once a week and answering new questions or tweaking your profile every five days.
Manipulate the algorithm. The more you use the product and update your dating apps, the more the algorithm will show you to different people. It makes sense that dating apps would prioritize members who are active since their goal is to connect people. If you stop participating on the app, you’re telling it to stop prioritizing you. You’ve probably heard of an Elo score, a way that dating apps rank their users internally. Most people think that’s solely based on how many likes they get—not true. Most dating apps also consider how many rejections versus likes you make and how responsive you are once matched with someone.
Message first. Women who message first are two and a half times more likely to get a response. OkCupid’s studies show that when women message first, the chances of a longer-term interaction are much higher.
Avoid hypnosis. Most people who experience online-dater burnout do so because they feel disconnected, which is odd since, again, the goal is to connect with people. You can keep up the search and keep your sanity by limiting the time you spend mindlessly swiping. If you swipe for too long, you go into a trance-like state similar to hypnosis. So if you get one or two matches, that’s great; switch to the message section then give the app a rest.
Be open to those outside of your usual physical type. There is an unprecedented rise in interracial marriages and that is directly correlated to when Tinder launched. Dating apps help you think outside the box on who you would typically date, so don’t just go for your type—and see where it lands you. Remember, practice makes perfect. Not everyone has to be the one; you just need to connect with great people who help you get closer to figuring out what you want.
* * *
Melissa’s advice, especially that last nugget, is exactly why I loved my online dating experience so much. I met a number of incredible people of all origins and ethnicities who greatly improved my quality of life in L.A. and my impression of dating as a whole. I met lawyers, artists, actors, motivational speakers—all sorts of people who gave me more clarity about what I really wanted! I know it’s typical for people to rag on digital dating and that’s precisely why you shouldn’t. If you’ve read this far, you are no longer a typical person and you definitely don’t have a typical approach, so why not expect atypical success?
“Dating is neutral,” I said to the group after our sessions with Meredith and Melissa. “It is neither good nor bad, it is simply what you assign it to be because—remember—you are in control of your reality.”
“I get that, but dating is also not all in your control since there’s still a whole other variable involved that’s separate from you,” countered Maya.
I took this as an opportunity to remind them of what they wrote on their initial applications: Deshawn said dating is awkward, Pricilla described it as stressful, Courtney referred to it as an opportunity to see through people’s BS and Maya wrote that she was still trying to convince herself that she was worthy of it.
“If you met women who saw dating as a negative and then they told you they were disappointed with their romantic lives, would you be remotely surprised?”
“No,” responded Courtney. “And you know what, I think it’s about time we all started surprising ourselves.”
I smiled, beyond grateful that someone else said it because I was growing tired of slicing through everyone’s skepticism like Fruit Ninja. I could continue to offer up tools and solutions but eventually they had to change their own minds, and at this point they were running out of excuses not to. Before we went our separate ways, I encouraged the group to start building their online dating profiles using the pictures we had taken a couple of meetups earlier. As an update, I’m glad to say that we got one shot of Maya that she absolutely loved and had already begun to use “everywhere.”
The important thing to note in this chapter about dating online is that you can’t be passive about it. Literally, you can either go hard or don’t go home (perhaps go to the Apple Store because in my opinion, that’s a great place to meet singles in real life because it’s well lit, attracts a wide range of people and provides an atmosphere that’s easy to start an organic conversation in). There are apps, like The League, that promise to do some of the heavy lifting for you through their extensive vetting process and their promise to remove anyone who has been reported as problematic, but not everyone can afford or get into exclusive platforms. Thus, it’s best to get into the habit of doing this yourself by being clear about what you’re looking for, choosing an app where that archetype is likely to be, being thoughtful about your profile and developing an efficient system to maximize your safety and optimize your experience.
Here is the online dating system that I created and refer to all my friends and clients:
* * *
If you match, be the first to message and ask a question based on their profile that gives them the opportunity to reveal their personality.
If they respond favorably, continue the chat by asking questions, in a subtle way, to see if they qualify under your Frozen Five standards.
Once you’ve established they meet at least two of your standards, set up a phone call with them so you can hear each other’s voice. Don’t worry, you don’t have to give out your number, Google Voice is your friend!
If the call doesn’t go well, unmatch with them and continue your search. If the call does go well, set up a time to meet at a place that is within five miles of your work or home. This is partly for safety but mostly because you’re trying to save yourself from burning out.
Ahead of the date, create a time expectation for your encounter: I am so hype to meet you at 7 tonight. I have plans after so I’ll definitely try to get there on time, if not a lil earlier. In my books, setting a time limit for the first date is a must. First, if you want to screen for people who just want to hook up, this will be a deterrent. Second, no matter how much vetting you do before you meet someone, in truth it is nearly impossible to assess if you’ll click until you get some actual face time. It’s best to look at online dating like making ramen: you make sure you have all the right ingredients beforehand, but you won’t know if there will be any broth, aka chemistry, until you’re face-to-face. Again, if you do the vetting well, even if there is no broth, you won’t be at a loss; you’ll still have stir-fry, thus a decent time with a decent person. But if there’s broth and you both have the right ingredients—soup’s on, baby!
Phone a friend. Let someone know where you’re going, who you’re going with, and what time they should call to check in. Safety first, plus if you want an out, a well-timed call from a friend can be clutch!
* * *
You might be wondering, then what? How do you flirt once you recognize there’s chemistry? How do you secure a second date? What if you don’t wanna date online at all, how do you get to the ramen-making phase? These are all excellent questions. I knew I had to dig deeper than Google to deliver answers that would truly help women, of all walks of life, become masters of dating. And as we all know, the fastest way to become the best, is to learn from the best.
So, with that in mind, I have a riddle for you: What do an androgynous lesbian, a male pickup artist, a phone sex operator, a stripper and a three-time black belt champion have in common?
Phase Three: Learn
PART TWO
Learn from a series of experts how to become a master at flirting, attracting, approaching and influencing.
9
The 6-Figure Flirt
A tiny miracle about the group of women I chose for this program is that they all had steady jobs and predictable hours. Depending on where you live that may not sound like much, but in L.A. people’s s
chedules are usually as compatible as orange juice and toothpaste. So, I asked everyone if they could block out an entire weekend for me and like magic, there we all were (with the exception of Pricilla who had mama duties) that same Saturday morning. Stephanie, Deshawn, Court and Maya sat shoulder-to-shoulder on the couch while they stared, awestruck at our flirting expert, Ari Fitz.
Ari is not just a close friend of mine, she’s also simply put the most flirtatious and seductive person I’ve ever met. She is a model, digital content creator and filmmaker who fully embraces her identity as a black, queer, androgynous woman by sharing unique stories about gender and identity through fashion and vulnerability. Knowing that the group would love her just as much as me, I asked her to come by to teach us all her flirty ways.
“First of all, I’m really honored to be in this space with such an incredible group of women.” Ari sat down, leaned in and pressed her hands together. “Okay, so before I tell you what I think, I’m curious—what do you all think of flirting?”
Everyone stiffened then let out a unanimous nervous laugh.
“Okay, I can pick someone. Stephanie, you look like you’re deep in thought.”
“No, I’m not. I have, like, no idea but, um, I guess it’s what you do to let another person know that you are sexually or romantically interested?”
“I have no clue what flirting is,” added Deshawn. “I guess I can recognize when other people are doing it but this has been a lifelong struggle for me so I can’t really define it for myself.”
“None of those answers are wrong but you guys are making it too complicated,” said Ari. “To me, flirting is just communication plus sparks.”
There was a chorus of approval. Courtney dug in her bag for her trusty marker collection and notepad then jotted those words down.
“The first thing I wanna teach you about flirting is that intent is everything. It’s very easy to get caught up in how amazing or good-looking someone is, but then your intent ends up being to get this perceived, great person to like you. If you approach someone like that, with your needs laid bare, you’ve automatically put yourself at a huge disadvantage because flirting needs two things to thrive: confidence and mystery.”
Ari said that in order to get good at flirting she first had to recognize that she herself was a dope-ass person who people, no matter how hot or cool, were fortunate to be around. No longer was it, Will this person like me? but instead, Is this person interesting enough for me to hold an enjoyable conversation with?
“Once I flipped it and removed the need to be liked, the whole game changed for me. Now, I don’t flirt with expectation, I do it constantly because it makes me and others feel good,” said Ari. “I flirt when I get into an Uber because it makes the ride more interesting, I flirt at the bar because just sitting there is boring, I flirt in meetings because it loosens people up to new ideas, I flirt while waiting in line for the bathroom because doing the I-gotta-pee dance is just not sexy.”
“Okay so you do it a lot, but what exactly do you do?” asked Courtney with her neon gel pen pressed to the page, ready to rock.
Ari prefaced her explanation by stating that the first rule of flirting is to never make your actions seem disingenuous—and nothing screams phony more than a step-by-step guide. But, this being a very special circumstance and all, she was willing to put that rule to the side.
* * *
How to Flirt by Ari Fitz
Body position. You can get different reactions from people based on how you position your body. If you’re on a date with someone, be conscious of where your gaze is falling. Are you looking up, down or straight across at the person? Those all communicate very different things in flirting. As a queer woman comfortable in my masculinity, if I want to create a sexual connection with someone I tend to straighten up—that’s me being daddy, aka the dominant. If I want to be relatable and easy to connect to, I meet the other person on their level. If I want to appear innocent and coy, I look up at them. Shan says: Height is important, as is shape. A straight body communicates power and dominance, a hunched body can communicate a lack of confidence and an S-shaped body demonstrates sensuality. Sitting in an S means that you take advantage of contrasting curves, so perhaps your head is tilted to the left and your hips are pushed out to the right, or you lean your chest to the left and cross your legs to the right. Since curves are subconsciously very seductive, create your own whenever possible.
Touch. Once you’ve established that there are sparks in your communication, physicality is essential. Begin by touching neutral spots like the wrist, the shoulder, the back of the arm and if they’re engaging and touching back, then graduate to the torso area or thighs. A touch from someone that you’re attracted to never fails to raise the stakes and heighten the vibe.
Mirroring. When they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery, they aren’t lying. When someone copies you, that is a sure-shot way to tell that you’ve got them on your hook. So now that you know this, if you want to hint that you’re feeling someone, mirror their movements and tone.
Be bold. The whole playing-hard-to-get game is cute, I guess, but it’s also played out. It’s far more interesting to be the person who says how they feel and follows that up with action. Of course, there is such a thing as being overly enthusiastic and giving someone else all the power, which takes away the two things we discussed earlier: confidence and mystery. You must check in to gauge if the flirting is reciprocal. So, once you’ve given a bit, hang back to see if they give back, before giving more.
Slow down. Slow down your speech and your movements. Fast talking and fast, erratic motion makes it clear that you’re nervous. And while that can be endearing, it isn’t seductive. Pauses are your friend when it comes to flirting; you don’t have to be in a rush to answer questions. There’s a lot of power in looking into someone’s eyes and holding their gaze in silence while you think.
* * *
“Let me just show you how this works. Okay, Deshawn, ask me a question!” Ari said, turning her entire body toward her.
Deshawn made a series of fast movements then threw up her hands. “Uh, what’s your favorite food?”
Ari smiled, gave her the eye triangle, then held Deshawn’s gaze in silence for what felt like a minute. “I guess if you’re making me choose on the spot,” she said slowly without breaking her stare, “I’d have to say . . .”
Deshawn burst into laughter and hid her face. “But I don’t know if I can talk that slow!”
“Really?” asked Ari. “There’s a lot of power in being able to set your pace and—oh, sweetheart, you look so stressed out.”
Deshawn’s nervous laughter suddenly turned into tears of frustration. “Sorry,” she said as she held her eyes shut.
“No, it’s okay, I’m really curious about this reaction. What about this interaction is inducing anxiety?”
“I have no clue why this is happening. I just know as soon as you started talking to me, I just kept thinking: I can’t do this, this is not helping, I’m so confused!”
Ari, in expert form, slid her chair over and put a hand on Deshawn’s knee then kept it there. “Don’t be confused or anxious, okay? Know that I have no hidden intent or expectation from you, so whatever pressure you’ve put on this interaction, take it off. Look, we’re all just out here trying to find love, create a purpose, make some friends and have some orgasms. And right now we’re just two people having a conversation, there’s really nothing more to it.”
After Ari left, I found myself feeling a little stuck. We had done all this great, groundbreaking work and yet the group still seemed to choose their bad habits over the new ones. Granted, it had taken them all twenty-plus years to become the person they were; they were allowed to take a few weeks to own who they were meant to be. But still, I would have hoped to see a little bit more progress.
OUR NEXT SESSION WE HAD THE FULL GROUP TOGETHER, WHICH I WAS VERY grateful for as this was an important one. Pickup artistry (PUA) is somethi
ng that I talk about a lot because in many ways, I am a student of it. Before I did my show Shan Boody Is Your Perfect Date, I read every book possible on the topic, including its core recommended texts. I combed through online forums and watched way too many YouTube videos to count. I wanted to give the group that same opportunity to learn from the PUA community, so I reached out to JT Tran, “the Asian Playboy,” and the creator of the ABCs of Attraction boot camp, to assist us.
While asking a male dating coach to help a group of women may seem odd, I felt like there was one striking similarity between the men JT coached and the women I was working with. The women in my group felt like they weren’t given the same shot at love as everyone else and according to a 2014 study by OkCupid called “Race and Attraction,”1 Asian men are considered the least desirable ethnic/gender group. Yes, it would be great if everyone’s path to meaningful intimacy was paved, but the truth is for some, the climb tends to be steeper and that’s why programs like mine, as well as classes like JT’s, need to exist.
As JT explained, “There’s a big difference in how a straight white male, who has privilege and conditioned preference in the dating world, would approach someone than a minority would. There are different obstacles, different cultural norms to address, different strengths to try to highlight—all in all, it’s just different.”
But despite the obstacles, JT made it clear we had to feel more, not less, embattled, and worthy of success. “This is your life. You can be in the passenger seat hoping something will happen. Or you can actively drive your fate. Whether that means directly going after what you want or putting yourself in position to attract what you want. Either way you can’t just wait and hope for the best, if you could, you wouldn’t be here.”
The Game of Desire Page 16
