JT taught a workshop that was centered around how to make yourself approachable and how to approach someone. One thing he made very clear is that approaching people is a learned skill, and despite what your grandma thinks, it can be acquired equally by women.
“If someone approaches you it’s because they’ve gotten confident at that skill; it’s like riding a bicycle. But just because someone can ride a bike, that doesn’t mean they’ll be a great boyfriend. So if you’re out and the person you’re attracted to doesn’t approach you, that may not be because they aren’t interested, it’s probably because they’re terrified of rejection, just like you.”
The solution? Women need to start making it easier for strangers they desire to connect with them—regardless of what gender your target is.
* * *
How to Be Approachable by JT Tran
Put yourself in a low-traffic area.
Position your body toward your target, despite the distance between you; try to stand pelvis to pelvis.
Make eye contact, hold it and repeat. People will make eye contact with someone they find attractive three separate times for three seconds each.
Keep your body language open. This means smile, uncross your arms, lean in, tilt your head and if you have a purse keep it down so it doesn’t appear like you’re on your way out.
When in groups always position yourself on the outside or at the back to make yourself easy to talk to. If you’re in a group that includes a male or dominant person, make sure they aren’t appearing protective of you.
Pro tip: Have fun and be playful because people are drawn to happy people!
* * *
* * *
How to Approach People by JT Tran
Ask an opinion-based question. People love to give their opinions, so use this to your advantage. Treat them as an authority on a particular topic. If you’re at the bar ask them what drink is the best, if you’re at the gym ask them what machine to use to work out a tight hamstring. Opinion questions can also get more complex and interesting. There are a ton of different directions you can go by starting with this line: “You seem sensible. Can you settle a debate me and my friend were having?”
Do a cold read. A cold read is a statement you make about a person that makes it seem like you know them more than you do. Because people crave to be understood, a successful cold read can get someone to warm up to you instantly. If they stand out among the crowd try, “You don’t seem like you’re from L.A.; you’re too real.” If they’re too much to themselves try, “I can tell, you’re the strong silent type. I like that.”
Compliment. A kind word is worth a thousand more! Whatever it is that drew you to the person, what’s the harm in walking over and saying that? The worst that can happen is that they say thank you, and if they take it upon themselves to be rude, consider that you’ve done yourself a giant favor because you may have wasted a perfectly good night lusting over the wrong person.
* * *
“Does anyone want to practice? Dan here will role-play with you,” said JT, then stepped to the side.
JT’s copilot, “Captain” Dan Hyun Kim, stepped forward and smiled warmly. He wore a blue blazer, a pink button-up shirt and cream pants. If the term “Asian sensation” was meant for anyone, it’s Captain Dan!
Pricilla joined him at the front, smiled then said, “Do you know if this place usually picks up later?”
Dan pushed his hands into his pockets and smiled back. “Well, it depends. What kind of music do you like?”
“Dancehall,” said Pricilla. “I don’t really know how to dance to it, but I love to watch.”
“Do you know what’s crazy? I don’t really know how to dance either, but I took a salsa lesson yesterday.”
“Oh, wow, that’s so brave of you,” she said, then touched his shoulder. “I don’t know if I could do something like that.”
“Well, here’s an idea then,” said Dan, squaring up to Pricilla. “I’m a beginner, you’re a beginner, so why don’t we go take a dance class together sometime?”
“So . . .” Pricilla said coyly as she positioned her body in his direction too. “We take this class and you laugh at me and I laugh at you? That sounds like a deal.”
“That’s perfect,” interrupted JT. “And just the right amount of self-deprecation but still confident. You teased, you touched, you were inviting and you kept the conversation going, which allowed him to find a natural way to take things further. You’re a real professional at this!”
Pricilla paused and looked like she was about to do her usual routine: deny the compliment, then pledge her allegiance to introversion, but instead she flashed a mischievous smile and said, “Maybe I am.”
I loved the class with JT and appreciated how it gave Pricilla an opportunity to see how far she had come, but I knew something was still missing. We had learned a lot of hard skills but there was an IT element still not in play. Something that would make their techniques seamless, effortless and . . . well, sexier.
Odd, isn’t it? I talk about sex for a living and yet in a book about harnessing desire, there’s little mention of it. In truth, this is just logistics; you don’t need to know how to make someone change religions with your tongue in order to manifest a limitless love life. Maybe in a not-so-distant book we can graduate to that, but the kind of sex that I realized we needed to learn about at this stage had nothing to do with the hands, genitals, mouth, feet, butt cheeks, thighs, perineum, G-spot, A-spot, C-spot, U-spot or armpits—yes, armpits, but like I said . . . different book. What the group needed to master next was the subtle art of mind-fucking.
To help us learn this, I wanted to find someone who combined sex and conversation for a living, so I reached out to Nicole Thompson, a phone sex operator (known in the industry as a phone actress), to snag some quick tips. Nicole walked me through her onboarding process, which included a rundown on fetishes, a workshop on storytelling and, of course, an intensive on how to tune your voice.
“When you want to introduce sex with your voice, not your words, you have to learn how to lower, slow down and soften your tone,” said Nicole while also demonstrating. “If you have a rasp, use it; if you sound like the girl next door, then play that up because some of my clients go absolutely apeshit for that.”
I have been to several speech therapists in order to work on my ability to present with authority, but I had not considered enlisting the help of a coach to speak with sexuality! Nicole had me hooked, but what happened next, sunk me.
“But most importantly you must feel sexy in order to talk sexy. Sure, I can multitask, but it’s hard for me to really get into it and say, oh yeah, baby, I love it when you suck on my toes . . . if I’m folding laundry with a bonnet on. So, if you’re talking to your crush on the phone, why not sit in candlelight and run your finger along the rim of your wineglass as you chat? As a phone actress, my job is to pretend I’m filled with lust, but if you already like someone, all you gotta do is give your natural instincts a boost.”
Nicole said the biggest mistake people make when it comes to their voice is that they don’t pay attention to it, so they sound angry rather than playful or afraid instead of cool and inviting. I then asked Nicole what the best way was to subtly infuse sex into a conversation that felt too platonic. The response she gave may have been a little out of touch with the real world. Or perhaps it was right on the ball(s).
“When I’m not working and I want to make a conversation that’s gone dry wet, I simply ask, so . . . when was the last time you had sex? You’d be surprised how often that one works.”
The others couldn’t make this call because Nicole’s schedule was inverted to theirs: home during the day, working evening to night. So instead, I took notes and recorded it for them. Then, because it was pretty freaking awesome, I sent the clip of Nicole acting out the toe-sucking comment via our group chat.
Minutes later Deshawn texted, When you play the audio while tutoring in a quiet library
Oops
.
Next, I wanted to take things a step further by showing the group how to subtly ooze sex in person. I put out a call on my social media looking for anyone who worked in adult entertainment. But I ended up finding someone even better: a stripper named Nina Ross who taught other strippers how to take their craft to the next level by making more money and garnering more repeat business with their personality. Bingo. I booked Nina then rallied my troops.
NINA, WHO ALSO GOES BY “THE 6-FIGURE STRIPPER,” STRODE INTO MY APARTMENT looking every bit of her moniker. She wore a black shirt, black tutu and hot pink platform heels that looked higher than Wiz Khalifa. The girls in the group stared at her wide-eyed, which of course she played into. She took a seat in the best lighting my living room had to offer, then played with her ponytail and leaned forward so her two most prominent features, her eyes and her breasts, were center stage. Maya looked fascinated, Stephanie looked curious, Pricilla seemed impressed, Deshawn kept an unreadable expression and Courtney looked confused. Best of all, Nina didn’t take anyone’s judgment on; she seemed to delight in her own company, which made her a pure delight to watch.
“A stripper’s primary objective when she’s at work is to capture, hook and keep a client on the line for as long as possible. In my opinion this mind-set is not just useful at the club; every woman should know how to create connections that she’s in control of,” said Nina.
“How do you take control of connections off the top?” I asked.
“Easy. You make the first move, pick the topic and control where it goes. If someone says something stupid, but you can tell they meant no harm, don’t get offended. Instead, regain control by addressing their comment then redirecting the conversation where you want it to go. Address and redirect. That’s the formula of all great conversationalists.”
“What if you’re not naturally accustomed to leading conversations?” asked Stephanie.
“You start practicing,” replied Nina, plain as day.
Nina left and everyone stayed back for a while to digest. Whether people loved her or hated her (correction: no one hated her, they just hated the way she drank from her water bottle), it was clear none of us would ever forget The 6-Figure Stripper. I silently prayed they wouldn’t forget her lessons either. Nina was an experienced seductress who didn’t just use her moves in the club, like Ari had said with flirting, these were techniques she kept in her back pocket at all times.
* * *
A Stripper’s Guide to Killin ’Em with Conversation by Nina Ross
Take their temperature. You should never be surprised by, or a victim, of someone else’s bad mood. Always observe them first before making your move. Are they in a rush/do they seem frustrated? Or are they relaxed and being friendly with others?
Invade their space. If you want to get in someone’s head you need to enter their bubble. Position yourself close to them, walk by and make yourself noticeable.
Nonverbal acknowledgments. There are three things you should do before making your approach and each step needs reciprocation: 1) eye contact 2) smile 3) a gesture. Your gesture can be a wave, you can point, stick out your tongue, or coyly hide your face. What matters is that you’ve established a relationship before you’ve even said a word.
The approach. If you did the first steps you will not be walking over unannounced, so pay attention to how they respond as you approach. Consider that if you’re at a restaurant and you see your food coming, you’re gonna sit up straighter and make space; it’s a subconscious action we can’t help. So, do you notice them making space for you?
Start by asking them a question. When you approach, ask a question; if they don’t ask one back, politely take your leave. This shows that they are selfish or insecure; either way you’ll find yourself doing more work than it’s worth to get something meaningful from the exchange. If they do ask you a question in return, ask for consent to talk or join them. When you respect someone, they respect you. (e.g. You: are you here waiting for happy hour to start like me? Them: No, life’s too short to wait, what are you drinking? You: a mojito, do you mind if I join you?)
Never be typical. Once you’ve joined them, steer clear of small talk. People want someone to take control and lead conversations into entertaining experiences. So, be that leader. Try asking them a survey question about a topic that interests you because people love to give their opinions. As a bonus, make someone feel special by qualifying why you chose to ask them: “You seem cute; can I ask you a question that I’m only asking other cuties?”
Know the stripper topics. Talk about life’s temptations: food, sex, fantasies, alcohol, bold humor or financial splurges. Strippers aren’t afraid to talk about the things that bring out someone’s edgier side because it gives the other person an opportunity to relax and have fun. If you want to be memorable, make sure you weave in topics that are weird or sexy. (e.g. You: I’m thinking of ordering something. Ever had anything on a bar menu that compared to an orgasm? Them: Not sure, I’ve never compared my orgasm to a slider now that I think about it. You: Well, maybe you haven’t had the right slider or you’re doing something extra wild in the bedroom. Anyway, you didn’t answer my question, what’s the best bar food you’ve ever had?). The trick is to be playful, witty and light. You don’t have to overdo the sex talk, but also remember that talking about something is not a verbal agreement—if it was, we’d all be millionaires.
Cross the physical barrier. Wherever, whenever, however—make it your duty to get in there. But make sure you lead with consent. It makes things a lot sexier when you look someone in the eyes and say, “Do you mind if I touch your shirt, it looks really soft?” Strippers aim to touch the neck because it’s a very sensitive, neutral area, and you should too.
* * *
Nina was a great example of someone who understood the power of her presence and used it, but with great power comes great responsibility. A massive part of honoring and respecting the wonder of your physicality is knowing how to protect it.
THE NEXT CLASS WAS ONE I WAS BOTH EXTREMELY EXCITED AND EXTREMELY sad about. The five of us walked as a group—a group whose sole intention was to find meaningful connections with good people—into Foxy and Fierce for a self-defense class because unfortunately, it’s crucial to know how to protect more than just your heart in today’s dating landscape.
The heartbreaking #MeToo movement made it clear that as a society, we are working with two very different definitions of consent. Most of us understand that consent is nothing short of an enthusiastic yes! But, there are far too many who believe that being present and being down are the same thing. With this reality in mind, I couldn’t send these women out there if they weren’t aware and somewhat prepared for the worst.
According to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, every ninety-eight seconds someone in America is sexually assaulted.2 And a study conducted by StopStreetHarass ment.org cited that 81 percent of women surveyed had been victims of sexual assault.3 I need you to read those sentences again and this time don’t look at the numbers, look at the faces of the people they are referencing: your sisters, best friends, caretakers, doctors and heroes. Taking a self-defense class, especially for those under the age of thirty-four, who are the highest targeted group, is not simply a good idea. In the face of those statistics, it should be a requirement. Of course, taking one class, or simply reading about maneuvers, isn’t an effective deterrent to being assaulted but it can be something to draw on in an emergency.
There are few people who understand this better than Crystal Greene, owner and creator of the Foxy and Fierce “Simple Self-Defense” classes. Crystal holds the rank of third-degree black belt in the World Seido Karate Organization. She is a certified kickboxing instructor and has a background in Muay Thai boxing and Krav Maga.
After we had signed waivers and taken our place on the floor, Crystal and her husband greeted us then got down to business.
“This one class is not going to make you a master in self-d
efense, but it might give you confidence that will save your life,” she began with her arms in Superwoman pose. “Predators prey on people that they believe won’t be able to fight back and after today’s class, that will no longer be you.”
One by one Crystal taught us moves ranging from the hammer to the eye gouge (my personal favorite and the best self-defense move an inexperienced fighter can utilize against a much larger attacker). Then she and her husband went down the line with pads and had each of us practice the move until it had some power behind it. Courtney had no qualms whaling away, knocking Crystal’s husband back a couple of times, but the rest of the group seemed tentative.
“You have to commit to the move,” urged Crystal. “Remember, in real life this happens in a matter of seconds. One second you’re talking and in the very next your date could have you pinned. You won’t have time to think, just do. So in practice, really DO IT!”
Her husband made a come-on motion to Maya. “Let’s go! Put your hand in a hammer position over your head and use your legs to bring that fist down with everything you’ve got!”
Maya stepped forward decisively and struck so hard that I felt it in my eardrums. After that, it was as though everyone else had permission to let it all out. We kicked, escaped, hammered, and round-housed until the hour-long class melted along with our damsel complexes.
The following self-defense techniques are potentially dangerous and are provided for informational purposes only. This information should never be used as a substitute for actual instruction with qualified professionals like Crystal. Nor is there any guarantee that the use of these techniques will be successful in preventing injury to yourself in a given situation. Also keep in mind that the infliction of bodily harm on another person is generally a crime unless there is a legal justification, which varies by jurisdiction.
The Game of Desire Page 17
