However, according to researcher James McNulty, physical attractiveness has no effect on the probability of a relationship being more satisfactory in the long run.8 And according to Ty Tashiro’s The Science of Happily Ever After, qualities that do ensure long-term relationship happiness include agreeableness, openness and conscientiousness—all traits that have nothing to do with looks.9
APPARATUS
For the first half of the night the group will be dressed to the nines: skin showing, makeup on and hair out but we will not initiate conversation with anyone. Then the second half of the night we will take off all our makeup and put on more modest clothes, but we will spark up conversations with potential playmates. We will then compare which approach is more effective when playmate hunting.
HOW TO DRAW A CONCLUSION
Assess the quality of our connections when the emphasis was placed on our looks and not our personalities. Then, vice versa.
* * *
Getting dressed for this experiment was a nice change of pace. For the rest of our outings, I ensured that my look was downplayed by wearing clothes that erred on the sensible side. But today, in the name of science, I got to ho it up! I put on my favorite bustier top, a pleated skirt, my green-tinted lenses, my Chanel belt, peek-a-boo heels and every last track of hair extensions I could find. When I looked in the mirror, I wanted to hit on myself and that’s how I knew I was ready to head out.
Pricilla, Deshawn, Courtney and I all arrived in different cars, which made our individual reveals even more dramatic. As per usual Pricilla’s makeup, hair and outfit were delectable. She wore a spaghetti-strap tank top with no bra that for some reason made her boobs look even bigger. Courtney looked dramatically divine in a black one-shoulder lace shirt and a hip-hugging black skirt. But the award for most dramatic transformation hands down went to Deshawn. I heard her before I saw her: she had on a pair of nude, strappy heels, a red crop top, red lipstick and perfectly sized jeans. Most notably, her hair was in jet-black, waist-length faux locks.
“Wow,” we all said in unison as she approached us.
“Thanks, just a little look I threw together,” she said.
We walked inside Angel City Brewery, looking like a moving mass of boobs, butts and beauty. The music bumped, our hips rocked, the wind worked in our favor and yet, no one put down their beer to greet us. Undeterred, we agreed to find a table and wait to see if they would bite once we were stationary. We chose a table at the front, so we would still be in plain sight, then sat down. I noticed each one of us had to adjust our pants or skirts in order to breathe. I smiled at that.
Deshawn clapped her hands together to get our attention then said, “So, I met someone in London!”
If we couldn’t catch people’s attention before, our collective cry of glee probably did the trick. The first night in London, Deshawn went out and met a guy we’ll call Alex. Alex approached Deshawn and immediately they got wrapped up in easy yet intense conversation that spanned from religion to sex to crude jokes and all the other things we’re told not to discuss. As per Nina’s advice, she kept it weird and sexy. She spoke slower, intentionally sat curvier, demonstrated value, played the faucet, built rapport with him, challenged his opinions and by the end of the night they were intensely making-out. Even though she didn’t get the chance to see him again before she left, they had been talking every day since.
Pricilla also had news to share about the dude she had been seeing. We learned that he was famous, which was exciting in one aspect, but also very difficult for her since he only seemed to be in town for less than twenty-four hours at a time. Courtney, who had been using the dating apps almost obsessively, hadn’t come up with much luck at all. She had gone out a lot and swiped until dawn, but nothing was sticking. I could sense her disappointment but that didn’t stop her from being fully supportive of the others’ success.
For the next forty-five minutes we sat, chatted and enjoyed each other’s sexy company without interruption. When enough time had passed, I suggested we walk around. We got a lot of glances, some stares, but no real takers.
We were about to leave to see if we’d have better luck at another location, but one onlooker intercepted us: “Hey, why are you sexy ladies leaving so soon?”
He was the kind of backward-hat-to-hide-my-bald-spot dude that I dreaded being stopped by, but this was what we were hoping for, I suppose. I thanked him and smiled. “We are gonna come back, we’re just checking out this other spot.”
As we walked a few people honked at us and yelled inaudible things. We also had an especially ridiculous encounter with a jersey-wearing dude that I thankfully caught on camera.
“Ladies, you look hot! Can I join you? I’m pretty hot too!” he yelled from ten feet away.
But instead of shooing this creeper off, I motioned for him to come over, so I could interview him.
“Wow, you all are so sexy, how is that possible? And you’re all sexy in your own—”
I interjected, “Just out of curiosity, how many women do you approach a day?”
The man smiled and thought about this. His group of friends were back at a stoplight but a few of them had begun to trickle over, sensing this shot might land. “I dunno, maybe twenty, we went to a Raiders game before this.”
We all looked at each other in amazement. I continued. “And of these twenty women, what’s your ratio of success?”
“About eighty, uh, seventy-five percent,” he replied.
There were four of us, so with those odds at least one of us should have been even remotely interested. Delusion is one hell of a drug, my friends, but no one said drugs don’t make some people happy; so good for him. We then went into a spot called Barcade, which was exactly that: a bar that was also an arcade. I took out a five, fed it into the coin machine then divvied up the tokens.
“Let’s split up, maybe we’ll have more luck alone.”
We didn’t. Ten minutes later we all reconvened, ready for phase two of the experiment. We walked toward our cars and Courtney remarked again how incredible Deshawn looked, especially her new hairstyle.
“Thank you, you know what’s really funny?” asked Deshawn. “When I was at the hairdresser this other girl was in there on the verge of a meltdown, talking about how much she liked this guy but how she had no idea how to flirt with him. She was sweet but all over the place and I thought, oh my God, that used to be me!”
We changed in our cars and emerged as different but much more familiar people. Courtney and I had our glasses on, Pricilla wore her hair up and Deshawn’s red lips were back to pink. We wore comfy sweaters and flat shoes that made the walk back to the brewery a breeze. When we got there, I instructed everyone that they had to approach someone.
I looked ahead at a loud group of bros and said jokingly, “You can start there if you want.”
I’m not sure if Courtney knew I was teasing or if she took my words as a challenge, but she walked right up to them and within seconds, they opened up their membrane and made Courtney the new nucleus. Five minutes later she sauntered back over to us and said cheekily, “Done.”
Pricilla and Deshawn split up; once again I went in the opposite direction and looked for some game of my own to kill time. I saw a cute guy playing Jenga with a couple and took that as my in. “You guys look like the coolest people in here. Mind if I join?”
Of course, they didn’t. I sat beside the cutie and played until the rest of the group made their way over to me, all flashing a thumbs-up. We left that spot and headed back to Barcade since we still had coins to play. This time no one honked or catcalled but we did note that because we were making the effort to talk to people, all of us were having a better time. Back inside, I had to yell over the sounds of the pinball machines to inform them that again, they had to find one person to talk to. Courtney and Deshawn peeled off and Pricilla hung back with me.
“No one here is remotely my type,” she remarked.
Pricilla had a taste for high-profile men, which I applau
ded her for. At one point Chanel had to decide it was a luxury brand, and I respected Pricilla for making that decision about herself. And if you, reader, also want to pursue more high-profile candidates, don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking that’s shallow. In its early days, the main objective of marriage was to arrange alliances so that families could become more powerful and pool resources (this is a pleasant way of describing what went down, but we don’t need to get into female slavery and patriarchal misogyny at this point). In contrast, modern coupledom is now largely based on emotions vs. assets, but that doesn’t mean that the historic purpose isn’t still a primary goal for some. There is only one word to describe the bond that people share when they are devoted to one another, love. And love has a thousand different connotations and billions of valid forms. Don’t catch yourself looking down on anyone else’s interpretation if it makes the parties involved healthy, happy and connected.
“I know this isn’t your scene, Pricilla, that’s why you should look at it like practice.” I pointed out a cute guy in a fedora.
She walked off then I watched in amusement as she trailed behind him for a few minutes before making her approach. I went and sat down, then a short while later Pricilla joined me again and shrugged. I high-fived her for trying. A heavyset guy in an all-red outfit walked by. I asked him a question to strike up a convo and thrilled with the attention, he immediately pulled up a chair. He talked and talked and talked; dude was a run-on sentence that never seemed to bend into a question mark. I was about to politely suggest that we leave to find our friends, but in that moment our friend found us. Deshawn and a handsome guy also wearing a red matchy-matchy outfit approached us.
We learned our long-talking friend had come to Barcade with Deshawn’s new handsome playmate, named Sean.
“But Sean, how do you know their friend?” long-talker said referring to Deshawn.
“Well, I couldn’t help but notice that she was trailing me and then she got the courage to say what’s up.” He laughed and said he was joking. But, in light of our experiment, obviously that’s exactly what happened.
Courtney danced over, sometime later, popping and locking as she joined our circle. “This DJ is the bomb!”
“You know how to pop?” said long-talking guy in amazement.
Courtney gave him a little something then he stood up and joined her. They made space at the bar to groove separately, then as one. Other patrons noticed and created a small circle around them; it was something out of the middle of a rom-com. Deshawn and Sean took a few steps back to talk in private and exchange numbers. Meanwhile, Pricilla and I sat still and happily watched both women, who we had come to love, truly living their best lives.
Conclusion
Looking good was not a sufficient replacement for having a good and welcoming personality. While looking sexy got us attention that we didn’t have to work for, it was also attention from the kind of people we would’ve paid to avoid. Being dressed down got us no volunteers, but we got better results from the people we got to choose. I’d say a healthy mix of both would be an absolute winning formula: look your best then go ahead and charm the pants off the best person of your choosing.
That marked the end of our group experiments. I reflected briefly on the results of each, then more thoroughly on each member of the group’s progress to this point. What a fucking difference! Maya on a date? Pricilla talking to a Billboard artist? Deshawn flirting and making out with a stranger in London? Courtney opening up, without trying to take control? I was amazed and determined to help them turn these budding wins into bouquets of victory. Which meant I needed to start pushing harder at their soft spots. I went to my desk and wrote down the weak areas I knew each still possessed: Deshawn still needed to be pushed to initiate conversations, Pricilla was still afraid to show her less-than-kind side, Stephanie was still too afraid overall, Courtney had proven to be personable but she lacked a sexual undertone and Maya had yet to overcome her fear of romantically pursuing someone in the queer community. For the next assignment, I originally planned to let them select their experiments, but it seemed like their roadblocks had chosen their path for them.
Phase Four: Practice
PART TWO
Practice what you’ve learned thus far on dates with low-medium interest playmates. In addition, test out new hypotheses so you can continue to add to your toolbox for making connections at will.
11
Fight-Flight or Fruit Testicles
Coming out of the group experiments, I felt most of the five women had a firm grasp on what we’d learned throughout the program thus far. This made me excited about sending them out on an experimental first date. But I quickly learned I was alone in that feeling.
“I’m a little stressed about this,” said Pricilla. “How are we supposed to remember to practice our seduction skills and do this experiment at the same time while on a date?”
I explained to her and the group that at this point practicing should not be reserved just for dates; they should be flirting, seducing and connecting constantly. Just like Ari said, “I flirt when I get into an Uber, I flirt at the bar, I flirt in meetings, I flirt while waiting in line for the bathroom.”
Thus, the experiment should simply be adding one more layer, because they were assigned to go on a date with the kind of person they’d find at any of those random locations. As a single person, if you want to test out new game, it’s best to begin with people you see as people, not as magically-hot unicorns. Again like Ari explained, when you get expertly good you stop putting anyone, despite their looks/status/reputation, on a pedestal, but realistically it will take some time to get to that point.
That’s why top-tier professional athletes practice more than they play. They recognize that if the drills, skills and physical conditioning necessary for success aren’t in place when the stakes are low, they don’t have a hope in hell when the game is tied and the clock is running down to its bones.
Similarly, to be a good dater it’s not enough to know the tricks. You have to understand the principles thoroughly, plus practice them so frequently that they become second nature.
The five experiments that we were going to conduct through one-on-one dates and the people who were going to test them were:
Interrogation (G)room: Deshawn
Can you ask bold and important questions on the first date and still land a second date?
Dangerously in Love: Stephanie
Does doing an adrenaline-boosting activity on a date result in a stronger, faster bond?
Me Mind So Horny: Courtney
Can you avoid the friend zone by infusing sexual tension into a date without the other person being fully aware of it?
You, Instantly New Boo: Maya
There are five words that researchers have determined are the most influential in marketing, but will they work in dating as well?
Hell Nah/Fuck Yeah: Pricilla
Is there a perfect balance to being agreeable and disagreeable that people should be mindful of?
Deshawn came into this group touting how bad she was at small talk, so I thought it would be appropriate to push her right into the deep end for some big chat (that’s West Indian slang for bold conversations).
EXPERIMENT ONE
* * *
The Interrogation (G)room
QUESTION
How are you supposed to get to know someone when you can’t get too personal while you’re getting to know them?
HYPOTHESIS
If people began relationships with total honesty and invited their partners to do the same, then awkward small talk would be extinct.
RESEARCH
Psychologist Arthur Aron’s research on ways to accelerate intimacy found that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness: “one key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”1 This work created the popular 36 Questions to Fall in Love. In addition, it inspired my own
rendition, called 13 Questions to See if This Is Going Anywhere.
APPARATUS
The researcher goes on a date with a list of questions they must find the answer to by the end of the encounter. Questions include:
What is your religion?
What are your politics?
Do you live with anyone?
Do you smoke/drink/do drugs?
How’s your relationship with your parents?
What was your last relationship like?
Do you still talk to your ex?
What would your friends say your weak areas are?
Do you have a criminal record?
What do you think about sex on the first date?
Do you want kids?
Are you in any debt?
Where is this going?
* * *
Deshawn and I game-planned for success before her date with a young man who happened to be an Olympian.
“What if he starts to figure out what I’m doing?” she asked nervously.
“He won’t. Start with the easy ones about his family and politics then keep an open ear for natural ways to bring the others up without going into rapid-fire mode.”
We spent the remainder of the call going over what we’d learned thus far. After analyzing his profile, we agreed that using the Oprah seductive technique, in which you try to inspire the best in someone, would be most effective, given his dedication to a competitive sport. We also agreed that the only way this experiment would be successful is if she was relaxed.
“Talk slow, take pauses when you need them and picture him naked if need be. Given that he’s an Olympian that shouldn’t be too unpleasant.”
We disconnected the call and off she went. The date was supposed to last one hour so when the two-hour mark came and she had yet to respond to my texts, I began to worry. I kept calm by reminding myself I knew the man’s Instagram account and phone number. The buddy system is something that I swear and abide by. In my single days I never went on a date if someone close to me wasn’t aware of all the details. Yes, some of my meetups were spontaneous and in those cases, I’d spontaneously text a friend screenshots of the guy’s dating profile and contact information. But before I considered plastering the community with posters, Deshawn thankfully phoned back.
The Game of Desire Page 21
