“Yay me,” she said as soon as the line connected. “I think I got them all.”
“Tell me everything!” I grinned.
What is your religion? Grew up Catholic, but the only time he goes to church now is if he goes with his mom back home.
What are your politics? Fuck Trump.
Do you live with anyone? He lives alone in an apartment.
Do you smoke/drink/do drugs? He has never drank or smoked in his life.
How’s your relationship with your parents? He texts his mom good morning every day, but he doesn’t talk to his dad often because he didn’t grow up with him.
What was your last relationship like? His last relationship? He didn’t have time for her so they broke up because #athleticsIsLife
Do you still talk to your ex? Not really.
What would your friends say your weak areas are? That he’s not very social.
Do you have a criminal record? Hell no, could never do that to his parents, plus he already upset them enough when he chose to be an athlete versus a doctor.
What do you think about sex on the first date? As someone who travels he wished he was more sexually aggressive, but it’s not his thing. He’s not opposed to it, but it’s never happened before.
Do you want kids? Not now, but he also doesn’t know what he’ll want in ten years. He used that as an opportunity to make it clear that he had no intentions of settling down for at least ten years.
Are you in any debt? No.
Where is this going? He has only had two relationships in the past decade because he’d rather focus on sports and most women seem to be a distraction. So probably nowhere, at least not for a while.
Just imagine the world of good that knowing all of this about someone after one date could do!
Deshawn went on to explain that she kept waiting for him to get upset or catch on that this was some kind of experiment, but he never did. With each question he answered she got more comfortable, until asking if he had a criminal record felt like asking him to pass the salt. She also shared how proud she was of herself for having a conversation that flowed so easily, without the help of alcohol. She admitted it helped a lot that she didn’t have to stress about what to say next, since she had a checklist to get through.
“I mean, sure, he gave me a look of ‘why are you asking this’ and I just smiled and played it off like there was nothing behind it. I think my tone made a massive difference! I spoke slowly and with a hint of friendliness. I was playful and curious, not probing for answers.”
We chatted some more about a few other things—What did he wear? How much did he talk about sports? Did he get the bill?—before I asked the only questions that really mattered: Had the experiment worked? Was there a closer connection as a result of getting the important questions out of the way?
“I’m not sure about the connection part, although he did invite me to a beach concert next Friday. So I would say that it worked, it definitely made the date easy and he even asked me a lot of the questions back so I had fun regardless. Actually, I’m going to try this experiment on the guy from London when we FaceTime later . . .”
Conclusion
You can get away with saying almost anything if you say it with a smile and that includes asking intrusive questions—even on a first date.
Dangerously in Love was the one experiment that I was most excited about because it was the only experiment that I hadn’t done in the past myself. When I thought, who’d be the perfect person to pull this off, one name came to mind: Stephanie. She was an adventure-loving fiend who had a tough time letting her wild side out on dates or in social settings. And if free-falling didn’t shake her loose, I was all out of ideas.
EXPERIMENT TWO
* * *
Dangerously in Love
QUESTION
Where should you go on a first date if you want to create a strong bond, quickly?
HYPOTHESIS
If a new couple participates in an adrenaline-boosting activity on a date, then it will result in a faster bond.
RESEARCH
Dates that include risky behavior have proven to create stronger ties among people than those that don’t. Psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron found that sexual attraction can transpire from arousal in the form of fear.2
APPARATUS
The researcher will go on a first date at an indoor skydiving venue then be mindful how her date flirts with, touches and opens up to her.
HOW TO DRAW A CONCLUSION
Do you feel the activity brought you closer? Was there more physical touch than on conventional first dates? Did they want a second date?
* * *
“I just realized that this is the first time I’ve gone on a date where alcohol wasn’t involved,” said Stephanie from her car as she drove to iFLY at Universal CityWalk. “But I’m excited, actually. I really am.”
We went over the principles of flirting and how to be an exceptional conversationalist but in all honesty, there was only one major thing that Stephanie needed to be reminded of: do not downplay yourself. “People will believe what you tell them, so choose to tell them what’s great and hopeful in your life,” I said. “Even though you don’t love your job right now, there are aspects that you do like, so focus on those in conversation.”
Around eleven that night she phoned me from her car. “Well, that was a different experience. It wasn’t awkward at all and having an activity really loosened up the experience. I have to admit I didn’t hate spending time with him.”
Stephanie went on to reveal something incredibly powerful, but based on her cavalier delivery, I wasn’t sure if she understood the magnitude of her words.
“I felt like I had more power on the date. That was my first time feeling like the power was shifted in my favor and it made me realize I need a partner who appreciates how much I know. It also made me realize I’ve been superficial about my partner selection in the past. I need to be with a guy who allows me to talk and feel cool!”
I asked her how the indoor skydiving portion of the night went, and she explained that it created an “us versus the world” vibe that brought them closer together. They cheered each other on, hugged in support, high-fived and made a lot of eye contact that felt vulnerable—a side that she wasn’t accustomed to seeing in men. She also admitted that her racing heart and the excitement of the new experience definitely made her date seem far more interesting than he actually was. Thus, when they went to dinner after, the spell quickly wore off. At that point she started to notice his flaws and in a shocking turn of events, Stephanie revealed, it was her date who downplayed himself way too much. In her words: “In life it’s about having your story and your narrative and being happy about whatever that is at the time. He just didn’t seem happy at all, which made it hard to look at him like an equal.”
I asked her what she thought about the experiment’s success and if she would recommend an adrenaline-inducing activity for others to consider when planning a first date.
“I can totally see how an experience where you’re in danger can heighten the connection faster than a normal date would. Because it was new and exciting for both of us, we bonded. But there was no chemistry, so there’s that too.”
“How do you think the date went from his perspective?” I asked.
“I think he was into me and he kept trying to extend the date. I agreed to go to dinner after, but then he wanted to go out more, but I said no. Let me tell you, saying no to the next step of the date felt so good because usually my dates drag on and on! I think this power thing kind of suits me.”
Conclusion
If you want to get close to someone in a short amount of time, suggest a date that has an element of danger to it. (I mean, now that I think about it, the movie Titanic is based on this psychological technique. Luckily for you, no icebergs are required for similar results.)
Up next we had to tackle the Mind So Horny experiment and coincidentally, the one person who had the nerve
to pull it off was also the one person who needed it the most. The last time I saw Courtney she confessed that she had no problem finding dates, but securing a second was proving to be extremely difficult. I had a hunch why based on her recounts: Courtney seemed to be failing to find a healthy balance between heavy conversation and light flirting. What makes functional romantic connections so rare is that there is a ridiculously long list of extremes Eros must swing between: exciting while familiar, available while scarce, confident while modest, sexy while classy, thought-provoking while goofy . . . and the list goes on. Esther Perel does an incredible talk on the difficulties of balancing these dichotomies in her must-watch TED Talk speech, “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.”3
The Mind So Horny experiment was designed to help women like Courtney strike a balance between being intellectually and sexually stimulating.
EXPERIMENT THREE
* * *
Me Mind So Horny
QUESTION
How do you create sexual tension without giving off the impression that you’re all about sex?
HYPOTHESIS
If you infuse sexual innuendos into a serious conversation, then this will create a subtle sexual bond that results in sparks on a date.
APPARATUS
On the date the researcher will ooze and insinuate sex without ever mentioning the word. This includes stroking bottles, rubbing round objects, thinking of sex while making eye contact, wearing glycerin to appear in heat, eating aphrodisiacs and suggestively drawing attention to the mouth.
HOW TO DRAW A CONCLUSION
How effective was using subtle sexual behaviors/signaling as a means of creating a connection? Did you notice a lusty look in your date’s eyes? Did they seem to shift as if in heat?
* * *
Courtney’s date was scheduled walking distance from my apartment, so she decided to stop by first. Luckily in this circumstance, instead of talking her through what she needed to do, I showed her. I pulled up my episode from Shan Boody Is Your Perfect Date when I did this same experiment and played it for her. I watched with delightful horror as I welcomed my date looking like I just stepped out of a baby-oil shower. Then I proceeded to caress the decorative oranges at the table, stroke my glass, squeeze lemon all over myself, suck the sauce off my food and gawk at his groin like it was a pharaoh’s treasure.
“And you never mention sex?” asked Courtney with one of her gel pens in hand.
“You can make some innuendos but other than that, it’s business casual convo.”
She jotted some things down then went to the front hallway to get ready. I handed her a bottle of glycerin and two avocados. The glycerin she had heard me speak about before; it’s used in fashion shoots to give off a dewy look, so I used to apply it all over before going on a date to give off a fertile look. But the avocados were new. I explained that, according to urban legend, when the Aztecs discovered the avocado, they named it after their word for testicle because of the shape, and the fact that it grows in pairs.
“So just, like, have them on the table and casually play with them during the date,” I instructed.
“And how in the hell am I supposed to explain why I have these fruit testicles?”
I shrugged and waved. “You’ll make something up!”
When Courtney phoned a couple hours later her tone was different, but not in a I-just-made-this-guy-cum-in-his-corduroys kind of way.
“Well, that was a bust,” she confirmed.
I wanted to make the pun probably as bad as you do, but I resisted so we could get to the bottom of what went wrong. Apparently, her date had just moved to L.A. fresh off a divorce and that’s all he could talk about. She stroked, squirted, caressed, triangled, teased and licked to no avail as he told her the details of his split.
“I really liked the techniques and I do think I’ll use them, but this definitely was not the date,” she said, defeated.
This wasn’t the first time in recent memory that this exact thing happened to Courtney. Another guy she had met online a couple of weeks before who she said was a potential high-interest playmate, had spent the entire evening talking to her about his ex-girlfriend. What’s worse is that Courtney ended the disastrous night by letting him know if he needed to vent some more, he could call on her. (**Insert facepalm here.) But I didn’t bring this up because now wasn’t the time to dig, it was a moment to uplift. Courtney had been pouring her heart out during this whole process and I was disappointed on her behalf for the dismal response she was getting in return. As a black woman, the odds were statistically against her, but I knew she could pull through because attitude determines altitude. Some have a higher climb than others, but I believed she had the determination to overcome this challenge.
Conclusion: Inconclusive
There were a number of reasons I could not wait for Maya to test out the You, Instantly New Boo! experiment. But the biggest one? This was going to be Maya’s first official date with a woman.
EXPERIMENT FOUR
* * *
You, Instantly New Boo!
QUESTION
What do you say on dates so that you don’t get awkward silence in between topics?
HYPOTHESIS
If someone uses the five words that researchers have determined are the most influential in marketing, then it will also help them have better conversations on dates.
RESEARCH
According to marketing expert Gregory Ciotti, the five most persuasive words in the English language are: you, because, free, instantly and new.4
APPARATUS
During a date the researcher will use these words as much as they reasonably can. The researcher will make a special effort to use the word you, since everyone’s favorite topic is themselves, and because, since it provides the listener with clarity while promoting additional discussion.
HOW TO DRAW A CONCLUSION
Were there any awkward silences during the date? Was there an increased flow as a result of putting the five words in play frequently?
* * *
I chose this experiment for Maya because she was often at a loss for words after getting too many caught in her head. By attempting to use one of the highlighted five (you, because, new, free or instantly) as much as possible, she would always have a springboard to jump off that would keep her talking and prompt her date to do the same.
We connected before she and the new woman were scheduled to meet. As soon as Maya got on the line, she said the forbidden phrase: “I’m nervous.”
I didn’t correct her, I just listened and reminded her that this was a low-stakes date with nothing to lose. All she had to focus on was the words; everything else was just inconsequential details.
“I actually feel kind of awkward knowing I’m doing an experiment,” she retorted.
“I can see that, but let that awkwardness slip into purpose instead. You’re not doing anything bad; in fact, you’re testing out a theory that could possibly help others to find a formula that helps them overcome mental blocks on a first date. Usually, half the battle is knowing what to say, but your only battle is to see how many times you can say it!”
About an hour and a half later Maya phoned back. “Hey, we just finished up.”
I leaned forward and waited for her to continue; when she didn’t, I slapped on my Captain Obvious hat: “So how did it go?”
“It went . . . great!” She went on to explain that it was a lot less awkward trying to keep the conversation going because she always had a completion lined up. “It’s kind of like driving: even if you’re not a great driver, you’re still in control if you know where you’re going.”
Maya estimated that she used the word you 60 times, because 35 times and new 15. She admitted that she forgot the other two altogether, which was totally fine since free and instantly weren’t as important in a non-marketing context.
“I was very surprised that something just like you would change a conversation so much,” reflected Maya. “And using
because allowed us to find similarities much faster.”
For example, if someone asked her what her tattoos were, she usually just answered the bare minimum. But because she had to use because, she found herself going into stories that led to deeper conversation.
Now on to the juicy stuff. “So girl, how was your first date with a woman?”
Maya explained that she loved the experience and how relaxed she felt about challenging gender roles with another woman. She felt bolder, funnier and all-around sexier without feeling any pressure to perform. “I honestly feel so dumb for putting it off for this long because it was so easy, a lot easier than any other date I’ve been on. I am proud of myself. I feel weird saying it but I am. I was reflecting during this because I could never, even six weeks ago, see myself doing this, and when we started, I would have been clear that I absolutely could never do it. But I did and it went well!”
Conclusion
The word you promotes conversation about others, which is a bonus since people like to talk about themselves. The word because promotes more sharing and prevents conversations from fizzling out too quickly. New is a great way to instill a sense of excitement, instantly gives a sense of urgency and free is just a word that I dare someone not to love. All in all, whether you are a budding or pro conversationalist, infusing these words into your discussions will work at promoting dialogue.
The Game of Desire Page 22
